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Went shopping with my Mum at my former local supermarket. Within 5 mins of being there I was in tears and had bad anxiety. As this happened the last time I was here I decided to admit defeat and head back to the car.

I would come here on a regular basis with the narc and just being here again was enough to bring up his abuse. I didn't feel safe and felt panicked that I might run into him or see an old neighbour. I did not realise just the prospect of seeing him would make me feel like this. The sooner I can move out of this area, the better.

I think it probably does. If I had been able to get a place of my own, I would have fled to the city in the short term, just to get a sense of feeling alive again. I would still have had no friends but I would have been able to join groups/clubs and try to put myself out there a little to build my circle. But being here, with no life around me (I should add there has been no life around me for many years) and no opportunities to make friends is soul destroying. I want to feel like I am making progress but there are so many physical barriers to this that I have no control over.

My parents left yesterday for a mini-break and do not return until late Sunday. I am not resentful for them going as they booked the trip months before my marriage broke down but being alone, with noone to talk to is awful. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have been able to talk to them about the abuse and to begin with they shrugged it off as me being over-dramatic. I managed to get them to understand that I wasn't being over-dramatic but they just think I should get on with it. I know that if I don't 'get my sh*t together' in the next week or 2 they are going to come down on me like a ton of bricks. There has already been an insinuation that I am being lazy and not thinking about my future. All I am doing is thinking about how to get out of this mess that has become my life. I just can't work any of it out.

I did not realise until this week just how unstable I am right now. Apart from forums and facebook groups, I cannot talk to anyone because they just don't get it

Thanks for the welcome Dutch Uncle and Kizzie.

I know I should have a feeling if liberation that I left but i don't. Mostly I just feel more trapped and very alone. I am trying to make positive changes but nothing moves me forward and I feel worse. I guess I just have to try and get through every day and take them as they come.

Hello,

Really glad to have found this forum as there is very little online about cptsd and I have been informally diagnosed by my therapist a couple weeks back.

I've recently left a very emotionally abusive relationship from my husband. He has aspergers which is one of the reasons things took a turn for the worse but he also displays signs of covert narcissism and is sexually deviant. Maybe one day I will find the strength to share my story with you all. It's a long one, so not today!

I have been left a shell of my former self. Death by a thousand paper cuts. His lack of empathy, complete disregard for my needs and screaming meltdowns broke me. I adapted everything I did to make his life easier and try to avoid the inevitable crisises his lack of care and responsibility would put us into. I gave him everything and he gave nothing. If I dared question his behaviour it would end in him blaming me for it. After nearly 8 years I have developed severe depression, anxiety, self-isolation, very low self-esteem, morbid obesity, fear of going outside and suicidal thoughts. To top it off, since leaving I have started experiencing flashbacks, panic attacks and random amnesia.

I have initiated no contact but still find myself fixated on hating myself for allowing this to happen. I am so dusgusted and ashamed that I wasted so many years of my life with someone who simply didn't care. I am living with my parents in a very remote area. I have no money. No friends.  Can't drive. I have nothing. Yet everyone around me tells me just to get on with it and move on. I wish it were that simple. This man has destroyed me.

Thanks for listening.  Han x