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Thank you so much for your reply and the links. I am shocked at how this has affected me. When I was given the diagnosis around 5 years ago I buried it, determined to move on and live my life. I worked as a psychiatric nurse for nearly 20 years and know that mental health services in the UK are basically in crisis. I have no trust or confidence in the system or indeed the medical model. Yet I feel backed into a corner. I don't want to be a 'victim' but I do want help I think. I have been in * for the past 2 days and it's overwhelming me right now. But I also know that these feelings will pass. But I want to feel happy, unself conscious and in control, even occasionally. To not feel pain and fear is great, but is it unrealistic to want to feel joyful, excited and safe at times? It feels toxic. I don't want this anymore.

I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD caused by childhood stuff and later on a bad long term situation that went on for 4 years. Yesterday I had too much to drink at a family lunch. Went to a gig to watch eldest son play. A woman who had made my life a misery for several years was there. I thought I was over it. The last thing I remember is going over to her and shouting that she had basically made my life a misery... I lost it completely. I didn't hit her, but OMG I haven't been so angry for years. Today I feel awful. Ashamed at my behaviour, ashamed because I upset my family, scared that the PTSD I thought I had managed is obviously capable of being triggered. I don't know what to do.