Messages

Dear Blueberry,

I was having a * day and your post helped me feel a little bit better.

Thankyou

Love,
Sunshine

Hi Kizzie,

I realized I've been posting in the private journal section for a while now, but I wasn't sure how to access it at first. My tech skills aren't the best, and I apologize for any confusion. I've figured it out now, and I really appreciate your patience with me while I was figuring things out. Thank you so much for your understanding and support.

Take care!
SunshineandWarmth

Dear Chart.

Thank you so much for telling me that. I have reached out and requested to be a part of the private group.

Your suggestion is so helpful.
It will definitely help me feel safer and protected.

Love and Light,
Sunshine

Hello Kizzie.
I'd like to join the private section for journals.
Thanks.
Love,
Sunshine

Hey Maria,

Thank you. I feel like you have a very big capacity to understand my pain. It takes a massive heart to listen and empathize. I am learning to try and be that too.

As for the little girl who grew up to work with abused children, I kinda have the same life plans too. I am just scared to not live up to it. The "what ifs" come in the way. I know I can do it. I just think my caretakers would be horrified that I came from the same place as them and didn't turn out the way they did. I am just scared of not protecting another child from something I wished I had been protected from.

I am doing better after your message in the past few days. I need to cry, and I could imagine you all huddled here, and I could cry. But I don't know. I would really love if someone physical were here — someone I could relax my body in, lose all tension, and lean on, and they would let me.

But I really love that you suggested the big hug. It gives me tingles in my body. Like I get giggly, like a child when their parent adores them and tells them they love them.

I am scared to admit that I have never been loved. Haha. But I would want to be someone who doesn't make other people feel like that — unloved. So, I am working on that.

I will try to be kinder to myself. I have an exam on Tuesday. I am working on that. Hopefully, I will find kinder ways in my approach to that. Can't say I am not scared, but a friend said being scared and doing it anyway is courageous. I am working on being courageous. It will take time, but let's hope. I am hopeful.

As for the domestic violence helpline, I can't do that. I really can't do that. It would be extremely unsafe for me and my mother. I need to find a way out by myself for both her and me.

Her... God, I wish she had someone to protect her all her life. I wish I was her mother, and I wish I was that little girl's mother who I was.
I think I am becoming one.

As for one kind thing today, I won't be doing anything that gives me anxiety today — just for one day as a start. People give me anxiety. So, I'd spend time with myself and my books. I'd feel sensations in my body, and I won't suppress them. I will let them be fully felt so they can eventually go. Painful, but breakdown is the breakthrough, right?

I am looking forward to more of your responses. I loved your response. It gave me hope. It gave me something to look forward to, and it made me think maybe the world is not so bad after all.

Also, how do I support my friend who is distressed but won't open up about it? I know because I know him, but he is not very expressive and downplays everything. I respect his boundaries and I told him exactly that. So, I said to him, "It is your choice, but because of what I feel, I would drop you a Bible quote every night for a couple of days." That would be a reminder that God is here (he reads the Bible and loves God so much). Is that enough? Is doing that enough to show that I care for him? Because I do.

At the same time, I give so much, people might get suffocated and tell me to get a life. Haha. What do I do?

Give him space, right? Just the quotes. And listen if he opens up, right? But don't push, right? Would that be okay to support him?

Also, how much is too much?

Love and Light,
Sunshine

P.S. Hope67 
Chart, love, how have you been doing?

With Love,
Sunshine on a Rainy Day.

12th December, 2024

I am at the edge of an emotional breakdown. My mind is collapsing, I have an exam, I have not taken a bath in a week or so, or brushed my hair or my teeth. I don't know how long it has been since I washed my face.
My friends checked up on me. I have realized, maybe I am too available, which is why, people take me for granted.
There was this guy that I had been crushing hard on for nearly 2 years or so.
He said I am incredibly triggering and annoying. And I am confusing and there is no point in him talking to me.
He knew about the sexual abuse feom my father.
All he said was, stop messaging me, I keep my messes to myself. I hope you get the reassurance you need. Have a good life.

I was shocked. I still am shocked. Am I too much, and confusing and triggering? He said there is no point in talking to me. Is that true?

This is an incredibly difficult time for me, my live language is physical touch, I desperately need someone to talk to, I need to fall apart in someone's arms right now. I want to hide my face in their chest and sob for a really long time. All I need is that, right now. The reassurance that when I am falling apart, they would hold me. I could cry for as long as I wanted to, and they would never leave.
I need a shoulder to cry on, and a chest that makes me feel like home. I want a home. I really do want to be at home.
It feels like I am dying, slowly. Or maybe I am already dead, I just don't know if I have passed through the denial of being dead or not.

PapaCoCo, Chart, Kizzie, Mathilde, Armee, Atramentous, Kia1212. Desert Flower.
Thank you for being my friends. I love you guys so much. I really do. Wish you all were here, we could have huddled together in a hug. I am crying, I am sorry. I love you all so much.

I have nothing to say anymore.

Love is signing off,
S

Dear Mathilde.
I am incredibly grateful for your post, it has helped me alot. Thank you so much, love.
Responding to Dear Mathilde, Journal Entry for December 7th, 2024.
I feel like I have become numb, I don't care what he does or says anymore. It used to hurt, back when I was still coming to terms with how could someone I loved all my life, my best friend, could hate me so much. But he has hated me, to the point that I had started hating myself, I wanted to end my life when that happened. And, none of that mattered to him. He told me, he didn't care. He never did, his actions proved his words. I loved him, and he made me hate myself, and I don't know if I ever want to be in love with anyone ever again. I don't know if I'll ever allow anyone in my life. Love, maybe, is not for me, maybe not right now.
I'll tell you why, because my best friend is in love with me. And instead of being happy about it, or all those butterfly feelings, I am wondering why would he love someone like me?
He deserves better. This is me seeing myself from my father's eyes.
Deep down, I know, I am love itself. I don't even need to look for it, its all inside me. Just trapped, waiting to come out in gushes, to flow. To flow for an eternity. It just needs to come out first.
2. He didn't threaten to kill me outright. He didn't take me to the ER, when I couldn't breathe. And he, threatened to break open my jaw, and beat me up if I self-harmed again. And also, he went on a holiday with his friends, when I had told him I was having suicidal tendencies.
Also, he stares at my chest and crotch. And used to slap my butt all the time and make comments about it. He stiff sniffs me from time to time and rubs his hands on my back to feel the straps of my bra. Sometimes, he offers to sleep next to me, this happened when him and I were alone at home. Tell me something please, I have seen this behaviour all my life, for people with healthy relationship dynamics, is this a normal thing? What does a normal family feel like? What is different?
He says all the time, you should see how people live on the streets, with nothing to eat, you're so much better than that. Because you have me as your father.
As long as I don't talk back to him or disagree with him and obey him, he won't harm me physically. So I am trying to physically protect myself right now.
He has a strong network, and the police and shelter homes in my country are next to none. The police won't even pick up if I called them. But he, for sure, would find me in a few hours, and that would be the end. So I need to have a fool proof plan.
Also, he has refused to allow me to visit my uncle abroad. Since the said uncle doesn't have a family and he doesn't trust men. He won't even let me go the gym when there are men there (in our country there are allocated times for women, and other times, both men and women can work out together). He said all men are predatory.
I have blocked all my family members on social media. I don't even have a real social media, it is under a different name. I am so terrified of him ever finding that out.
Yes thank you for reminding me, I need to hide my diary.

You have helped me alot. Your words, they have encouraged me. I feel like I am not alone. I feel like there is someone out there, who does really care about me. Thank you for that.

Also, my sister said I tell her negative things about dad, so I could get in his good books and she is isolated and distant from him. She thinks, I am being nice to him because of selfish reasons, she isn't aware if I ever disagree with him, he would do God-knows-what to me. But her words did hurt. My mother said the same.
Those words hurt.

Also, as I am writing this, I am terrified of the idea, but, if, he were to ever come across this, he would kill me for sure. Or physically incapacitate me, or I don't know what. I don't even want to know. I am so scared.

Please I want to be okay, God. Please.


S

Hey Mathilde,

You didn't say anything wrong, love. I feel so supported by your words and I feel so understood and seen.

1) I feel like it comes from cognitive dissonance, I detach and then he lures me in by telling me he loves me. And my FOO tells me that I am being negative and I should definitely give him another chance (this happens when he starts crying infront of everyone). Or if I say no to anything, he either: guilttrips me, or threatens me.
2) The thing is, he would definitely kill me if he found me after I have left. That is one thing I know truly. He would kill me, if I am not dead by the time I leave. He is capable of that. He has made such threats before and I am scared what if he is reading over my shoulder?
3) What gives me purpose is, maybe, I could in the long run, make a difference for people living in the same situation. I don't know how I am going to do it, but I have hope I'll figure out along the way.

I don't want to die.
Also, he is pretty manipulative and knows alot of people. It won't be long before he finds me if I attempt to leave right now.


Why is he doing this to me?
I am so scared, I have done absolutely nothing to him and he hates me so much. I have been hating myself all my life because of him. I want to stop hating myself now.

I'm sorry if this post is too long.

S

Dear Kia1212.

What you went through sounds incredibly painful, I'm so sorry you had to experience that, love.
I am at a loss of words right now. All I want you to know, love, is you're not alone. There are people that care about you, me being one of them.
Your strength to share this is so powerful. You may not feel it right now, but you are so much stronger than what happened to you.
Take Care of Yourself, love.
I am rooting for you.

Love and Light,
S

4th December, 2024

Update:
My narcissistic father humiliated me in front of family. And he said, you are only helpful to people so that you could get something out of it. That hurt.
And he said a lot of other things along the lines of stupid and stuff that my mind can't recall now.
I think this is a protective mechanism, I forget what he said altogether.

But I am writing down a diary, and I'll notice the subtle changes in his behaviour. For Example, he humiliated me, this would usually be followed by him telling me he loves me or "allowing" me to have my monthly allowance that he has been holding back.
Nevertheless, I am looking out for his manipulative behaviour so that before I leave, I am a 100 percent sure, and when I walk away, I walk away for good. And that, he could no longer lure me in.

He said he knows everything I have ever done. And I think he might know about the forum. But there's no way he could find out. Right?

I have decided to emotionally distance myself, take a note of his behaviour and walk away when I have the ability to support myself.


I have hope.

S

A few hours later.
Update: He came into my room, when I had specifically told my brother to leave because I had an exam and I was studying, I couldn't say that to the father, and even if I did, he won't leave. So he comes, sits down next to me. Pretends to cry. Clenches his fists. And keeps staring at me. When I don't give him any attention. Leaves.

And also, he said my mother told him to lie to me about getting her tested because she was sick. He hadn't gotten her tested at all. He lied to me that he did take her to the hospital, and said my mum told him to lie.
My mum refuses these allegations.

Also, he has refused to support me any further.

Dear Atramentous,

For me, I have stopped having dreams altogether. Science says everyone dreams, even when they have forgotten about it in the morning. I don't believe that to be true. My mind is way too restless for it to dream.

A couple of years back, when I used to have dreams, a recurring theme for me was I'd be in a plane, and somehow, it would plummet to the ground. I have had so many dreams like that, so many, throughout the years.
But there was something about it, just as the airplane would crash, and my life, seemingly would end, I would feel a deep sense of tranquility and calm. I always felt like I was floating, that I was something weightless that was passing through the skies.
The crash would fear me to death, and what happened afterwards, gave me hope.
Beyond my fear, there is peace.
The idea of the unknown might be terrifying, but unknown places can turn out to be beautiful too.
I hope all the unknowns in our lives, the places we work at, the strangers we meet, the people that become family, I really hope and wish and pray that for all of us, the unknowns turn out to be beautiful.
I have hope.

Love,
S

Chart, uhm. I didn't understand your reply. Could you please help me understand it better? I really admire your responses!
Atramentous! A big fat hug right back to you.

I've always been so fond of hugs that feel like the other person has embraced my entire being. It feels suffocating. But for those 1-2 seconds, it makes me feel loved too. Although with C-PTSD, I'm terrified of the idea of a bear hug, but I remember, one of my friends does bear hug me. I love that. I think it all comes down to who we feel comfortable with. I feel comfortable being myself on this forum. Thank you Atramentous, I needed that.


3rd December, 2024

I think I don't feel safe within my own body. I am scared all the time. And when I'm not faced with an immediate threat, I make up scenarios in my mind where I'd be prepared to defend myself if a disagreement might arise. A hypothetical scenario, which could become a reality given I acted out of character, if I talked back to my father.
My mother mentioned something about getting me married. I have been mortified by the idea. If need be, I'd have to say no to my parents.
Then, they'd cry. And emotionally manipulate me. But no, not this time, this time, I am standing up for myself.
I am so scared. If he threatens me, or does something even worse, I am so scared right now.
As long as he is convinced that I'd make him good money when I find a job, I could keep him from getting me forcibly married.

I just need to find a way to become financially independent. That will help me get away from it all.


Any suggestions would greatly help me.


S

3rd December, 2024.

I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I walked away from a friendship, we had been friends for over 5 years. Her behaviour had hurt me on multiple occasions. It was finally time to let her go.
It hurts a lot. The throbbing pain in my head, the emptyness in my chest, the sinuses of my face, they all feel so heavy.
It would have been fine is she didn't love me back, I was dealing with that just fine, what didn't work for me was, she had never even realized how her actions or inactions were hurting me.
And I, I think, maybe, what if, what if she has her reasons. My mind is still making up excuses for her.
My heart is aching so bad, because it loves her so much.
I think, I should not let people hurt me just because I love them.
I could love them, I could still choose to walk away. Love, as it turns out, isn't enough of a reason to stay.
Respect and understanding are.

I hate that I still love her.
I love that I could never hate her at all.
I am sinking into this oblivion I don't think I would wake up from.

Bye.
S

Dear Aphotic,

This sounds so painful. And so relatable. My FOO has similar behaviours. So much so, that sometimes I fail to recognize the difference between normal human behaviour and abuse.
I am glad you are able to recognize this abusive behaviour.
I find almost everything in your post relatable.
If I cried, I was told I would be beaten uo and given a reason to cry over.
When I needed to count on someone my FOO said, I am abandoning you, because that would make you strong. Because the world is cruel, and I had to be tough. So they disguised their abusive behaviour under the pretext of wanting to make me a brave human being.
I often wondered, what difference did it make between strangers and my family, if both were equally as disrespectful and cruel? I had asked my father this question once. He didn't reply.
The same thing happened in our house with the pets. A cat. My dad got furious one day and had told my brother to throw it out of the house. (He didn't obviously).
One time she got sick and he refused to take her to the vet. Said we were fussing too much over an animal.
He would deliberately put her in the trunk with all our luggage when we were going to our family home. The cat would make sounds for the next 3 hours straight. At this was in summers. He never cared.
I am so sorry, you are going through all of this.
I am sending you a virtual hug and immense amounts of love and support.
Your friend,
Sunshine

Chart, thank you so much for the hug, I needed that.
Aphotic, I understand what you said completely, I will have to grieve to wash away some of the pain away.
Apart from grief what helps with recognizing and healing from pain? I would love to hear y'alls perspectives and insights on this.

November 29th, 2024
I woke up at 6 30am. The mornings always calm me down. I usually am curious to see the sky in the mornings, the sun rising on the horizon. It has been a long time since I have watched the sunrise, it has always filled me up with an euphoric feeling inside. Like a tingling sensation in my entire body. A giddiness. I can feel the euphoria spreading through my body, it starts at my jaw, my shoulder blades are next. I rarely feel it in my abdomen. I have noticed I don't feel anything in my abdomen at all. My T asked me where did I fely grief? I had told her somewhere between my chest and abdomen, somewhere deep inside. It is like a solid mountain, its roots are buried deep inside me. Maybe that doesn't allow me to feel anything else at all.
I had always suffered from stomach issues ever since I was a child. No diagnosis was ever made. The reports were inconclusive. But my chest and abdomen would hurt a lot. At that time, once when my parents had thought I was asleep, my dad told my mum, she's lying. I believed him, and I thought I was lying too. I believed him more than I believed myself.
I wrote on the forum the first thing in the morning, I have decided to not be distracted when I am doing something important such as being on the forum. It helps me connect with people better.
I went to sleep again soon after. One of the things I have really liked is going back to sleep in the mornings. I am glad I am realizing the things I have loved ever since I was small.
Went to the gym at around 11 am. Really pushed myself for 40 minutes. Gym makes me feel something, thats why I go there. Mostly I have felt numb, so going to the gym, makes me feel something. This is progress since in the past, being in situations where I was being abused made me feel something. Being in unsafe situations made me feel alive. I have realized now, I baseline stress levels are higher than normal, so when faced with dangerous threats, my body feels something.
Thank God, I realized it was unhealthy. What helped me was, if someone was being way too kind to me, asking intrusive questions, that rang a bell in my mind- manipulator on radar. All manipulators I had seen in my life were skilled orators. Highly regarded and respected. Saints outside of their homes. Monsters inside.
One of my friends at the gym is getting married to her boyfriend. I am happy for her. I think it will be a long time before I let someone in my life to be more than just friends.
If they even suggest it, I could say, like neighbours?
Or worse, siblings?
The idea itself makes me chuckle.
But I would love to feel safe with someone one day. And my T, said before that happens I need to feel safe with myself.
Came back home, checked up on a few family members that were sick. Studied. I cannot concentrate for longer periods of time. I didn't get much done but I got something done. That is progress.
I constantly checked in on the little girl inside me, sometimes she was hiding, other times she would be bawling or asleep. She sleeps pretty early.
I mentally ran a loving hand through her hair, held her in my arms, consoled her. And told her I was there for here, I always will be, because my love for her wasn't conditional. Love for me, is unconditional. Selfless, beyond one self. I don't think I could ever explain love enough to fulfill the criteria of all that love is. For me, it is all the skies and all the seas in all the galaxies in every single one the universes. Infinite, uncountable, beyond comprehension.
I have realized I understood yesterday a subatomic part of it, when I thought about a friend, and instantly felt connected to him, like I could feel what he was feeling. It lasted for a mere seconds, but in those few seconds, it felt like I knew what he was going through.
So, I have decided to give him space to process his feelings. He could reach out whenever he needs a friend, right now, I am letting him be.
I felt connected to another friend, thought she was distressed, texted her, and turns out, she indeed was stressed. She was the same friend who had abandoned me when I was sick, and my parents were sick. Somehow, my soul managed to connect with her too.
I have deleted social media for a while. It gave me anxiety. I am planning on leaving it in the long term. I had been off social media from 2020 to 2022. Those years went pretty good.
I keep my sisters photographs in my side drawer. Her childhood pictures. I love her, even though she gets annoying, but hey, I love her even when she is annoying.
When my mother was sick, she had had a banana and she had removed some parts of the banana that were rotten. I had told her I would just throw it in the garbage. Instead, I wrapped the rotten pieces of banana into a tissue paper, and store them in my drawer. I still have them. I also have the jasmine she had given me once, I keep it in my wallet. Right in the pocket I have kept a picture of baby me.
My grandfather visits me nearly every single day. He has been running a charity organization since the 80s. He has lost everyone he once knew as family, his parents, 5 out of a total of 7 siblings. A son, his wife of 50 years. I don't understand how someone could go through so much and still have hope in the world. To still have love for the universe. He is currently sponsoring a couple of children academically.
Ironically, this is the same gransfather who was once in debt, and people would bang his door all day asking for a return of their money. Years later, people knocked on his door again, this time, to ask him for charity. For food, for supplies, for ration, medicines. He had told me once, THE MORE I GIVE, THE MORE I GET FROM GOD. He said it was the rule of the universe. The more love you gave out into the world, the universe multiplied it and gave it back to you. So he never loses anything at all. It just gets multiplied and returned back to him as a gift. In another form. One that keeps him satisfied with how the universe works.
I have a long way to go to understand him.
For now, I am focused on listening to the little girl inside me.
Love and Light,
Sunshine