Messages

Thank you everybody for the supportive words. I think it went well. She did not reject me and said that she will try to help me. She is very young and not so experienced. I dont feel like i can just completly trust her and guide through this storm. Not because she has ill intentions towards me ( my critic things otherwise) , but because she is not so experienced. She just recently finished her certification and i am not sure she exactly knows what she is doing. It would be nice to have someone experienced who i would trust that he/she knows what to do. How to maneuver through the storm. 

Thank you everybody. I actuallywill have my first session today. I am really scared.

My parents wanted to "force" me to forgive them. Under the notion that forgiveness is the right thing to do, the good thing to do. Its good for them, not for me. I also will not apologise a liftetime of intentional abuse. They knew what they were doing and did it anyway. I have not seen my parents in 10 years. I stoped all contact with them. They are not part of my life. I dont want anything from them. What i am fighting with is their afterimage and the horrible things they installed in me. I agree with the person that said "i need forgiveness for myself" For me that is the hardest thing to do.

Hello desertflower, i also wish you a that the therapist will understand you and help you. I also unfortunately had the same experience regarding group therapy. Nobody said anything. It was like school, everybody was afraid to talk. It was like school. The therapist just said there and said nothing or even attacked you when you said something "wrong".

Thank you Chart for the answer. I am very mistrusting of people. I have been hurt and betrayed so often, especially as a chuld by the people who should have loved and protected me. But i am acutally a people kind of guy: i like hanging out and talking to people and i really badly need a positive connection. The tension between those two feelings is very difficult for me. Maybe someone else feels the same and would like to share his/her story. I think it would help me a bit. I am new to this and i dont know where to post something like this. Could you please tell me where i could post it? Thank you

Hello everybody, i suffer from cptsd. Its the only diagnosis that really makes sense to me. I have suffered years of neglect, emotional violence, emotional manipulation and physical viooence as a child by my parents. Nobody ever came to rescue, or help me. I was "healthy" until 3 years ago. I stopped thinking about the abuse and thought that i had worked through it and was free. Than 3 years ago something for me personally very traumatic happened, something that triggered me so much (thats how i try to explain it) that i started to extremly depersonalise and dissociate. It was extreme. I was completly cut of my emotions, nothing felt real. Everything felt distant. Its even hard talking about it for fear it could return. Additionally, a voice started to appear that told me that i deserved everything bad that happened to me. That i was scum, completly worthless. Additionally i developed a harm ocd, which amplified my inner voice that i was bad. It became proof that i was bad and evil like that inner voice told me. Things got so bad that i checked into a hospital for mental health issues. Unfortunatly, the hospital was a bad experience overall. But i got supscriped zoloft and i reconnected with some old friends. That made me "stabil" enough to start going to work again. I started a therapy, but it did not help. It was a cbt therapy and it did not help with my trauma, because of that i paused my therapy for half a year.I will start therapy again this week. I hope i can get help here and communicate and share with people about how to cope and hopefully how to heal. I hope this is not a bad idea and i will not get hurt again. Thank you for listening.