Messages

[saying]

I am recovering from having this issue. The key, for me, has been to stop attending to or thinking about myself as much as possible. I realized recently that I literally could not hear other people; that I was constantly blanking out of the conversation as I would get sucked into "is this the right amount of eye contact? I looked away, was that weird? Do they think I'm weird? How long is enough? I feel anxious! Let me try that eye contact skill I saw on YouTube." Etc, etc, etc. Now I put most of my focus on the other person. Where they're looking while we speak, how their lips move, their gestures, their tone of voice...And of course, what they're actually saying! Which isn't easy - there's still the anxiety. But it's been a short time and it already feels better. There's an instinctual flow to it that you can regain over time.

[first]

Denverite, you've given me permission to start thinking about doing the MDMA a few more times, maybe once a quarter. I apologize to my wife all the time for all the money I spend on my own mental health, but she repeatedly tells me it's not my fault that I'm in so much pain all the time, and that she only wants me to get better. She says, "If it were cancer, would you apologize to me for spending money on chemo?" (Of course, I would, because I apologize to everyone for everything I do that is not for them. I was raised that if I do anything for myself, I'm selfish and unlovable. But I get her point. She loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy. My level of suicidal ideation scares her).

Your wife is amazing and she makes an excellent point. Healing is healing, mental or physical. I'm so glad you have someone in your life who provides a loving perspective; as C-PTSD sufferers we all crave that but it's not easy to find. You know, my very first MDMA session addressed that exact issue, funny you bring it up, as I haven't thought about it in a couple of years. I also started to think that maybe I was in so much pain because I was laser-focused on myself and healing...I started to think maybe I was just selfish and the pain was deserved because I'm always thinking about my past and my hurts instead of other people.

But that MDMA session made it clear that healing is as much for other people as it is for me. That only with a full cup do I have anything to share with the world. And I find it to be true; I get days now where my cup is full and the first thing I want to do is share it with others. To connect, listen, and smile at people.

Healing really is for everyone! So I hope you do continue to pursue MDMA as a healing resource. It's just one more tool in the box but it's a potent one.

My therapist who has been seeing patients for nearly 40 years tells me that of all his clients over all his decades of service, the ones with CPTSD are by far the most spiritual. I wonder now, chicken/egg, which comes first? Does trauma drive us into the arms of our ancestors? Or does our spiritual connection make us prone to CPTSD? For now, I'm okay with saying "Entanglement. Neither came first. Both are true.

That's a good question. Chicken or the egg...I think it's probably closer to both are true as well. The sensitivity makes for the deep hurt. Yet it also drives us to address it since we can't ignore the dissonance in our being as others often do. Even as a child, I already saw more than my parents did.

From what I can tell with my work, much of this C-PTSD trauma is generational pain. The legacy of slavery and treating an entire people like animals for centuries. And no one knowing what to do with all of that pain other than unthinkingly continue it down the line. Are you familiar with the founding of Liberia in West Africa? It was founded by American slaves shipped off after Emancipation. They settled in Liberia to start a new country - and promptly enslaved the locals. You'd think they'd know better, but no...

@ Dina, I'm eager to read about your experiences with MDMA as well! Each one can be quite different and reveal things you never expect.

@ Papa Coco, does the revelation feel like something you're almost embarrassed to talk about? I had a very similar experience with that medicine; tapping into what seems to be the afterlife. Knowing that it really is all about Love and that it will all be okay. That life nor death are something to be afraid of. I made the mistake of talking about these things with a few of my non-tripping friends and I started getting "the Look," so now I stop. I don't want to be That Guy

I had some time with ketamine. I found it to be very educational and focused on the importance of presence. For now, it's off my radar in favor of MDMA + classic psychs, but I think I could re-integrate it back into my practice one day. Funny how we all intuitively discover what our minds and bodies need.

I've tripped 10 times on MDMA, 5 of those guided. I know for many folks it's a 1 and done thing but I keep being invited back to that space. I visit with it every 2-3 months, which is pretty frequent. But I have my own supply so I don't need to hire $$$$ guides. It's true the more you do it, the less of a "magical explosion" it becomes. But the medicine - my body - my self - God - keeps telling me to come back. I keep being told each time that I'm integrating more deeply despite the "weaker fireworks" because my body was so badly abused as a child it needs the deep calm to reconnect with my mind. That the "fireworks" aren't very important anymore, I just need to heal my mind-body split. That experience I still get every time; the profound ocean of calm that digs up past hurts, shows me their origin, and disintegrates them in its embrace. And lets me be held by God for a few hours.

I've also met "visitors" from beyond. Once I was surrounded by my ancestors. Slaves, princes, queens, and ordinary people. I've always struggled with my black identity because I've never felt "black enough" for people. Yet they sat around me in a circle, black shadows like African art shrouded in a gold light, and I connected with them. Felt their confidence, their wisdom, and peace. Their pride in me, and reminding me that black is what I am, not how I act. Many other times I get "visits" from my mother, apologizing for her part in my C-PTSD and encouraging me. Almost like a guardian angel. I try to remain agnostic about the entire thing but the peace it brings is hard to ignore. Not to mention the lines I sometimes have the presence of mind to write down. The message each time has been the same: "it's all about Love" and "everything is going to be okay." But what's most healing of all is being told that "I'm doing GREAT." Even when I feel like crap, I keep being told how wonderful I'm doing with all this C-PTSD bull     

Such great medicine...

@Papa Coco I'm reminded of the title of Gabor Mate's book, "The Myth of Normal." I haven't read the entire thing but your post is dead-on in that regard. Supposedly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 6 men undergo some sort of sexual abuse in their lifetimes. It's pretty much guaranteed that we all know or have met SOMEONE who would understand it. Yet we hold it all in because it seems like such an outlier event...

I'm only starting to share my experiences and slowly coming to connect with people who DO get it. I found someone one city over through a forum specifically for men with sexual trauma issues. We meet every so often and each time we talk I feel a deeper connection growing. He even had a family of origin that would qualify him for this forum. I feel like I've met someone I can be completely unfiltered with. It's astonishing to know that's possible for me as I've never not had to hold things back in a relationship.

@ Lolly728 I think that's one of the more insidious parts of C-PTSD. The normalization of the outrageous abuses. We gaslight ourselves into thinking "it wasn't so bad," or "it was really our fault for being so demanding," etc. I hope you manage to find some way to look at that truth squarely without flinching. And I hope it brings some sort of resolution rather than more pain.


@Kizzie It's funny to read this as I said almost exactly the same thing to my therapist last week. I'm 41, not 68, but I've been on the "healing journey" for a long time. I said to him, "right now, I'm sick of hoping and I'm sick of healing." I'm starting to suspect the laser focus on some future state of "better" might even cause a sort of dissonance since we can hardly focus on what IS good in our lives right now. I dunno...I feel better about it all now but everything just felt grey last week after feeling like I was making major progress, only to get super triggered like I hadn't in a while.

So far in my recovery work I've only gotten fragmentary memories not long stretches of time back.

Thanks everyone! Photography is the one thing that gets me completely out of my head and engaged with seeing beauty and living life.

@AphoticAtramentous you're definitely sensing into my intentions with those words. That's why I call my brand "human elements," heh. Everyone says they're trying to capture the essence of their subjects....But yeah, that's what I'm doing 

@Cascade that's one I have printed and hanging on my wall. It was taken in Death Valley during a sandstorm at Mesquite Flats dunes. The tiny figure against the vast landscape has a spiritual dimension to me!

[can]

Welcome, PandaQueen! I think you'll find that joining a community like this is an important step towards healing. We realize that we aren't as alone as we once thought. Knowing others truly can understand our pain is immensely liberating!

I've been taking pictures for about 20 years now. I shoot a little of everything but these days landscapes and portraits are my thing!

My portfolio: https://www.human-element.me/

Thank you for the well wishes, Kizzie and Desert Flower!

Maybe the key to this is accepting that we will get triggered and then dealing with that as best we can and being compassionate with ourselves when we do get triggered (this is theoretical knowledge from me mostly, I only just recently started practicing this myself - I find it hard but I try). Like you say, it gives us a chance to grow. And the environment you chose may just be safe enough for you to do that.

I think you're right, Desert Flower. That's the kind of advice I would have given someone else in my shoes...To accept that it isn't going to be a perfectly smooth ride. But in risking the bumps we can hopefully grow into no longer fearing them as they occur.

I'm glad you're doing the same in your own life. It takes some faith in our capacity, doesn't it? I hope you see results that keep you reaching for more! 

[be]

I think you're absolutely right, PapaCoco. Love is what makes us - or the lack of it breaks us - as demonstrated by C-PTSD. That's also what makes this condition so insidious; generating some sense of love for oneself feels impossible, given the sucking void inside of us. Yet the void is proof of the lack of love that we deserved rather than our unworthiness to be loved.

I see love in my own life as giving up the fight with myself. The self-hatred and criticism. No longer feeding that beast. I even externalize my story, imagining a child next to me who has gone through what I have. How could I not have compassion for, and strive to protect, someone like that? How could I abandon that person to the critics, inside and outside? 

[too]

I've spent the past 5 years working a remote job. Part of the reason I took it was because the idea of being self-employed was an exciting one. But another aspect was that I was simply falling apart inside due to my undiagnosed C-PTSD. I've made good money; enough to afford therapy, work on mindfulness practices, and really make a study of my condition.

I'm absolutely not the person that I used to be but I still get triggered daily and I'm scared to do this. Yet I also feel that I'm stagnating by spending all of my time indoors in front of the computer. It even works against me, in a way, because I'm not getting the stimulus I need to better manage my condition. Even though I don't like my work it's just too comfortable. I don't get triggered by being a writer but I also can't grow much more without being "in the arena" with people and their craziness.

So I'm joining USPS as a mail carrier in 9 days from today! I got hired and attend training on the 10th of August. I think the job is a great fit since beyond 1-2 hours of office time casing mail in the morning, you have the entire day to yourself on delivery. Headphones in or just walking around in the sun or rain. As long as you get the mail delivered, no boss is harassing you and you aren't dealing with coworker drama. Even so, I'm scared. My mind has so much baggage from the past. But I'm trying to be brave and trust that this time it will work out. This time, I really can have a career that's mentally stimulating, get healthcare benefits, start working on my retirement before I get too much older...

I hope. 

I take solace in knowing that so many of you haven't closed yourselves off to the world. You still show up to work, make that bacon, and have the resilience to keep doing it. Again and again. Good on you all and thanks for inspiring me to do the same! 

[hellll]

I'm getting to the point of understanding my family will never acknowledge my pain as well. It was really validating to read this comment chain because it seems like we all harbor the same fantasy: if only we phrase things in just the right, they will finally apologize and love us. But they simply don't have the capacity to meet us where we need them to be; that's why they hurt us in the beginning.

I remember talking to my father two decades ago. It was just a couple of years after I told him I hated him and I wanted him out of my life for bullying us, beating my mother, and threatening to kill us on basically every visit after my parents split. He had the *audacity* to say "well, son, you hurt me, too." 22 year-old-me didn't really get it at the time but I look back on that now as proof of his profound brokenness. He was just that consumed in narcisissm that he could justify his abuse with "well, you hurt me too." I can't remember ever slapping him in the face, beating him, intentionally terrifying him, or threatening to kill him, but I'm sure 6-year-old me made his life hellll   

Awesome, it sounds like we're all on the same page. Redirecting attention via one's surroundings - or Minesweeper  Have you seen a reduction in symptoms since you've started the practice, NarcKiddo & AphoticAtramentous?

I have another idea I wanted to share with people here. One of the hardest things about C-PTSD is finding places to practice our skills outside of a therapist's office. As children, we learn by making a thousand mistakes while we're still too innocent to be embarrassed by our failures. As adults, it's so much harder since even a single failure can be painful or even re-traumatizing.

If you're intensely anxious around people, how do you practice when failing leads to avoidance? I've discovered that volunteering is a near-perfect way to get safe exposure around people! I volunteer at my local homeless shelter for the following reasons:

- I can sign up on a whim and not be committed to specific days or weeks at a time.
- Each time I go, I remind myself that I can stop going if it ever becomes too much to handle.
- Each time I go, I remind myself that I can walk away and never come back if something scary happens.
- It's less than 2 hours of exposure time.
- The people who volunteer for each shift are different; even if I say or do something awkward I will likely never see that person again. Plus there are multiple facilities so I can just go somewhere else if I feel threatened.
- It's busy and there's next to no time for conversation. I can simply focus on cleaning, serving, cooking, or whatever. Letting my mind and body get used to being near other people without pressure.
- Even though its busy people still converse some, make eye contact, ask for help, etc; perfect practice.
- It's a good deed and it counteracts the hateful critic my parents installed in me.
- It's free!

I've been volunteering at my local homeless shelters for 7 months. When I first started, I was hypervigilant and tense the entire time. I mostly just silently served and then skipped out as fast as I could. Now I can actually look at people in the eyes and serve with few triggering moments. And even when I do get triggered I'm grounded enough that I can skillfully work with my feelings. It's definitely working and getting me excited for the future.

Low-key, low-pressure, high-frequency encounters. Exposure therapy ideas like work, social clubs, parties, etc, often fail because there is too much importance placed in our minds on the encounter. Failing to meet our imagined ideals hurts too much so we don't stick to it. Plus if you're relationship-phobic, as C-PTSD victims usually are, the idea of people remembering you doing something awkward ensures you'll never return. So instead, try an activity where you can show up with little investment, engage in a limited way, and then leave with as little pressure as possible. And then come back and do it again. And again!

Curious about people's thoughts + other safe exposure therapy ideas. Taking your dog to the dog park seems like another one. Walking in the park and finding a single stranger to converse with. Going to the gym and quietly working out if you're scared of being around people (this used to be hard for me but not anymore). Other thoughts?