I've struggled with mental health issues my entire life. I'm 35. I was diagnosed with depression in my early 20s, and been on and off various anti-depressants since then. I've always felt like there was some deeper issue though. Only after my marriage fell apart and I repeatedly hit rock bottom that I dug deeper and deeper, used my obsessive and addictive behaviors to learn and self-reflect, did I eventually realize that C-PTSD is at the core of my issues. It explains all of my thought and behavior patterns that I struggled with and could not understand the roots of.
It began with childhood trauma, and my responses to the situations that I could not properly deal with as a child. Complex trauma has negatively affected all aspects of my life, and about 2 years ago it was a major factor in my partner leaving me. I know I was a huge burden on her, even if I now understand the reasons behind my actions and inactions. I was left to live alone in a different country than my home. I felt abandoned, but tried for over a year to make a life for myself on my own, because I was trying to get away from various issues in my home country. It was too much for me, and I kept messing up more and more, until I was out of money, out of a job, racked with debt, and so alone and broken that I had to leave and return to my home country.
I'm struggling right now to develop any motivation at all, and I'm in a state of constant and crippling depression and anxiety. But there are some things I'm grateful for. First and foremost is having my mom on my side. This makes a huge difference, even if it feels like I'm still unfixable. I've done a lot of research on C-PTSD causes, symptoms, and treatments. I know I need to do the hard work of taking action and reframing my shame-based self-identity. I've made an appointment at a mental health clinic with the intention of starting medication again, and hopefully doing regular therapy sessions to work through rewiring the ways I think about myself - assuming those are resources that are available.
I'm in the midst of it all, and I'm trying to be solution-oriented and not just doom-and-gloom. It varies over time. I'm a little anxious about being here and more than a little anxious about being vocal. But I hope this can all be part of my cognitive reframing - putting myself into uncertain situations and trusting that I don't need to be hypervigilant or overcautious. It's not the same as leaving the house and interacting with people irl, but I hope it's still at least a half-step forward.
It began with childhood trauma, and my responses to the situations that I could not properly deal with as a child. Complex trauma has negatively affected all aspects of my life, and about 2 years ago it was a major factor in my partner leaving me. I know I was a huge burden on her, even if I now understand the reasons behind my actions and inactions. I was left to live alone in a different country than my home. I felt abandoned, but tried for over a year to make a life for myself on my own, because I was trying to get away from various issues in my home country. It was too much for me, and I kept messing up more and more, until I was out of money, out of a job, racked with debt, and so alone and broken that I had to leave and return to my home country.
I'm struggling right now to develop any motivation at all, and I'm in a state of constant and crippling depression and anxiety. But there are some things I'm grateful for. First and foremost is having my mom on my side. This makes a huge difference, even if it feels like I'm still unfixable. I've done a lot of research on C-PTSD causes, symptoms, and treatments. I know I need to do the hard work of taking action and reframing my shame-based self-identity. I've made an appointment at a mental health clinic with the intention of starting medication again, and hopefully doing regular therapy sessions to work through rewiring the ways I think about myself - assuming those are resources that are available.
I'm in the midst of it all, and I'm trying to be solution-oriented and not just doom-and-gloom. It varies over time. I'm a little anxious about being here and more than a little anxious about being vocal. But I hope this can all be part of my cognitive reframing - putting myself into uncertain situations and trusting that I don't need to be hypervigilant or overcautious. It's not the same as leaving the house and interacting with people irl, but I hope it's still at least a half-step forward.