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I was sexually abused from about 4 years old until I was taken away by cps around 10 years old. But after about a year, I was sent back to my mother who spent from 13 years old being sexually abused by him, kidnapped by him around 15 years old and then terrorized emotionally, physically and sexually by him until she ran away with us 2 girls. She spent another 10 years with my stepfather who terrorized us all, emotionally and physically. I was the only kid he sexually abused. When I got back to my mother she went out to the bar, that very night and left us alone. She has severe cptsd and was not at all mature enough to raise kids and she really hated me. She was never paying any attention and always had us around bad people, I was a magnet to child molesters, rapists,  even on the street perverts found me. So I continued to be sexually abused, emotionally abused and sometimes severely neglected, no food, no clean clothes, pet cats dying, she only came home to scream at me, I became her enemy somehow. I'm sorry for going on so long. It's just so much sexual abuse for so long really, unbelievably overwhelmed my whole being with shame and the only neutral or as a child seemingly nice attention that I ever got was sexual. At least they weren't screaming at me, beating me or completely ignoring me. And because my sister never got molested or raped or had men around constantly trying kiss her, or show their private parts to her. I've always felt that I was so deeply broken that even my soul was defective and worthless before I was even born... 💔

I am exactly you DD... I always do that. I'm impulsively blurting out everything negative about me and my diagnoses, and avoidance behaviors. This has literally caused me and sometimes my family great losses and hardships. I too, feel like no one respects me, at jobs a lot of people end up not liking me and I haven't been able to keep any friends for any considerable period of time. I'm with you 💯

I've had years and years of experience with narcissists, starting with my mom throughout my childhood. I really understand now that she has always had severe cptsd too, but she actually did insanely horrific things to me, my sister and my cats. She can't even bare to recall a lot of the things she did now. I don't know, it all probably was severe emotional dysregulation and strong avoidance adaptations. She was always drinking my whole life. When I was around 12 she started using a lot of meth too. I guess the pain, shame and suffering from needing to heavily poison yourself every day turns you into a monster...

 

I really like this. I have been labeled so many negative diagnoses, particularly a drug addict or alcoholic. I've used or drank on and off for maybe 5 to 10 years of my life. But my other avoiding behaviors, like being a workaholic and a never ending doer, I have to be very busy to feel ok, they've been around my whole life. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for most of my life, but only one mental health care provider, in 45 years even suggested or tried a treatment for PTSD. It was EMDR. I was so young though, I only did it a couple times. I had no idea how much CPTSD was ruining my life already, I had no awareness or knowledge about PTSD or CPTSD or how my childhood psychological, emotional, physical, sexual abuse and neglect were already controlling my body, my mind, my compulsions, my instability etc.

Thank you very much 🙏

Thank you very much 🙏 I'm having a hard finding connections online, so this really helps. I realized yesterday that my father was physically and emotionally terrorizing my mother when I was in her womb and my first 2 years of life, she was just a 16 year old, not at all wanting to be or able to be a mother at all. I was already screwed for life, then it just got worse and worse.

I feel this way a lot but, I do exaggerate sometimes. So, I'd blame myself a lot. Although my mother still ignores or forgets almost everything I ever ask, it's usually trivial,  actually sometimes it feels like life or death and I get so upset that I'm not important enough for her to remember urgent requests or respect my life, feelings or boundaries, after I beg, crying hundreds of times.

I can really really really relate. My mother was a teenager who was being physically and emotionally terrorized by my father. She did not want children and abortion was illegal back then. Her brain wasn't even developed enough to have empathy or understanding of other human beings suffering, let alone a child's suffering. I don't remember my mother even talking to me about anything my whole childhood until I came into adolescence when she always screamed at me and treated me like an enemy, always trying to catch me doing something wrong, so she could psychologically terrorize me. She always screaming that she'd never be a mother who baked cookies for her kids, like if we needed food or clean clothes.

Oh, it's Juliann, like Julianne but with no e

I can look in the mirror sometimes but I feel like I am disassociate or detached at those times. I hate getting my picture taken 99% of the time and when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror in a public place I am mortified and disgusted too.

My whole childhood was about sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, and statutory rape. It defined me, it was the only attention I got. Well, except my mother screaming at me. Oh and the beatings and being thrown across the room and he hurt my cat so bad. I've been an emotionally dysregulated crazy person all my life. Even though I spent decades in therapy and decades being treated by a psychiatrist. Just, like all of you, CPTSD describes me and my life like no other diagnosis has before. I am ready for this work. I'm ready to be free from selfharm and self sabotage. I'm ready to NOT walk around every day, every moment in afight or flight state. I'm so hopeful. Thank you all.

  thanks so much

My name is Julie,
I'm just starting this new journey. I've been diagnosed so many things over my lifetime but CPTSD is all my symptoms. I'm here for the long haul. I hope to get to know all of you and learn from you.