Messages

In my lifetime I have had maybe a dozen panic attacks, only two of them brought on while in dialogue with another person, the same person, both times past my age of 50. The first while in her presence and the second while on the phone 460 miles away from each other! Blinking at the phone receiver would have been pretty useless so I quickly excused myself, hung up the phone and made for full body spread-eagle on the floor to breathe it out. She interpreted that publicly as "hostility". My family told the rector at my deceased parents' church that I was too easily "upset" to be included in a memorial to my parents. Before the end of my life, it is my goal to give an educational talk to the members of that church about FSA based on my personal memoir. There's a stake in the sand!

I said I had a good therapist; it took four tries: Two just plain LPC clinicians and one psychologist all said the same thing after multiple sessions: "you seem like a fairly healthy, well-adjusted 60 something year old man with some generalized anxiety. You seem to have good coping skills and, you have been the target of narcissistic abuse by a sibling". None of these people had any training for recovery from this abuse - not their fault as the pathology is with the abuser. The psychologist told me I would probably have to let go of my FOO. My wife is an LCSW and worked hard to find me someone who is trained in EMDR and this kind of recovery. I've also watched a lot of Youtube videos as credited above. I viewed this one

and can't wait to try it out next time I encounter a random NARC in the wild. I have not spoken to my primary abuser in 6 years although don't you know she was the executer of the estate. She proved to have enough integrity to not steal money from me however I can never trust her again with my self esteem. She seemed to take pleasure in crushing it over and over again. By the way, she is a wonderful human being, and everyone loves her including myself. I just can't allow myself to be in her presence.

Papa Coco,
The Mother Teresa quote is very inspirational. Very sorry for your loss. I have to say this: that as I have come to understand my own victimhood, I have also come to understand the innocence of the perpetrators. By and large they are merely doing what they think is the right thing, following in the imprinted veins of suffering so expressed by those who precede us. Passing off the internal suffering that effects each of us in daily life - some many of us are trained by tradition to seek to transfer this to those around us instead of finding healthier outlets. My primary oppressor has been my eldest sister and while I focus and reflect, I think about what experience of trauma may have brought her to be this way I have to remind myself that it may not have happened to her but possibly to our parents or even grandparents. That is how this insidious force works. I say you can't blame the bricks for the wall. Breaking the chain means seeing yourself in the full cycle.
Thanks - you folks are getting me to think really hard about all of this.

Lakelynn,
Well, you are welcome for the terminology, but credit belongs to Rebecca Mandeville, Debra Mirza, Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani, Jay Reid, the 2 local therapists and 1 psychologist who brought me to the point of finding a qualified therapist who is trained in recovery from narcissistic abuse. Also, my eighth-grade English teacher who included "tenacity" in his "word of the day" chalk board notes. Truly amazing how many of his "words of the day" became themes in my life...Murmuration?

Thanks Kizzie, Maybe I saw that when it aired, and I appreciate you pointing it out. The screen name is not a reference to this skit, it is the name I have given to a Maple tree that is in my backyard. It also could show up in the title of the book I hope to complete. I encourage anyone to check out references to Parnassus and its ancient origins although it has nothing to do with CPTSD.

Kizzie, Please explain the SNL part. Sure it's okay but it was a lot better in'76. How did I unknowingly reference it?

I am a 63-year-old male in the US and the youngest of the five offspring in my family. I was eight years old when I heard the word "scapegoat" used in a sentence, I asked for a definition and felt a sense of relieve to know that there was a word for how I felt in my family. At eleven it became apparent to me that I was being effectively gas-lit by my family members. At nineteen I was terrified when this thought hit my mind: that when it came down to it, in spite of their words - what would suit my siblings best was for me to be in a constant state of failure and that I should probably move far away if I wanted to survive. This really scared and confused me because I wasn't sure if this was a premonition or just the over-sensitivity I had long been accused of. Within a year I had found a path away and someone to take it with me. We moved just far enough away to be out of my family culture but still have parents be able to visit with only a day's drive. Our life has been an exercise in stability, together now for over forty years. We renovated a home, raised three children and prospered in our careers. I've enjoyed a great life but at this point am completely isolated and ostracized by my family of origin. For the most part three of my siblings managed to grow out of the scapegoating but not my oldest (GC) sister. Her weapon of choice is "traumatic invalidation" (thank you Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT for this spot-on term) and after the second panic attack in her presence I felt forced to go no contact. In 1984 I received a dose when I sought her review of the contract to buy our home (she is a lawyer). This resulted in 15 years of "grey rocking". At the point in time when care and housing for our parents became an issue I relented and put myself back in her sights. Big Mistake. Sad, mad, depressed, angry and living in a constant cycle of "repair fantasy" - I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!! Thank you for hearing me and I do have a very good therapist.