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So I did some research on this and answered my own question.
 This is called "dissociative semantic disintegration". It's distinctly different from a repressed memory.
 In a repressed memory, the pathway to access it is disrupted, but may be restored some other way. A song, a smell, etc. It suddenly springs back into being, and when you remember it, it's like you're experiencing it with all of the emotions of the moment.
 In the case of "dissociative semantic disintegration", the episodic memory itself is intact and freely accessible, it's just the *context* of the experience that is gone. This specific example of abuse wasn't filed under "abuse", just as my sister wasn't filed under "sister".
 
 So I've just learned that there's more than one way for my subconscious to hide memories from me.

 Best,
-Slashy

 All,
 I've been digging around the events surrounding my early childhood and I stumbled across an odd memory; A vivid memory of our babysitter abusing us.
 Every other unlocked repressed memory I've experienced came with a flood of emotion, this one came with nothing. 
 I'm not sure I can trust it because of that.
 I've always sworn that while we *were* abused, I had no recollection of it. But focusing on events surrounding that time, listening to period songs/ TV show themes, etc... I realized that I actually *did* recall it perfectly well. I knew it the whole time.
 Given the fact that I remember it with perfect clarity but I don't "feel" it... What are the odds that this is a false memory? How common is this phenomenon?

Thanks,
Slashy

Man... This is not the sort of thing I'd *EVER* attempt on my own. It's literally why therapists exist.
 If you're going to sit down and account *EVERY* horrible memory??    You need someone around that has your back and can coax you off the ledge.
JMO,
-Slashy

 I went through a progression of feelings about this repressed memory, eventually hanging up at the point that it doesn't fit who I am. I've spent my entire life having *not* felt that emotion, and then suddenly I need to incorporate it in my life experience.
 I felt like nobody on Earth could possibly relate to this dichotomy and didn't even think to consult my own GF!
 Yes, absolutely the repression of happy memories is a thing. It has defined her entire life! She's always happy in the moment, but never retains the long term memory of it.  It makes her who she is, so the triggering of happy memories confuses her even *more* than the recall of this event confused me.
 In any case, mystery solved.

 So here I was thinking that nobody could possibly relate to this, and my GF knew *exactly* what I was talking about. Her entire personality has been shaped by her inability to retain happy memories.
 Her advice was very sage: I have no control over triggered memories. It doesn't make any difference whether I want them or not. They will happen of their own accord and on their own schedule.
 I do, however, have a choice as to whether I'm going to allow it to screw up my day.
 

All,
 The more I try to process this, the more confusing and overwhelming it becomes.
 I lived my life as a man who had never truly fallen in love. I can relate to that. Screw that "giddy romantic infatuation" nonsense. We understand each other in ways others don't and that's good enough for me.   
 Now I know what it feels like to have fallen hopelessly head-over-heels for a girl and felt that love returned. I can now relate to *that* too.
 These are 100% contradictory experiences and I don't handle contradictions well. The recovery of one of the happiest memories of my life *should* be cause for celebration. Instead, I just feel lost. It should've been one or the other, not *both*. I hate the fact that I lost this memory, and I'm not really happy that it was restored.
 I don't know what I'm supposed to *do* with it. I don't know if I want to have it ever happen again. 
 
 "I can't imagine what it feels like" is a pointless phrase. *OF COURSE* you can imagine it. That's what imagination is for. What you really mean is "I can't relate to it". Never experienced it and never knew anyone else that did. I feel like I relate to a bit too much at the moment.
 Best,
-Slashy
 

 All,
 Those of you that have recovered repressed memories, have you ever recovered a happy memory? Is this a common occurrence?
 I heard a song last week that immediately triggered an almost overwhelming feeling of love and belonging, and my memory of my summer camp puppy love romance back when I was 8 years old was restored to me.
 I've never felt pure love so intensely before or since. It was one of the happiest experiences of my life, and it had been locked away from me for over 40 years!
 Prior to this I had assumed that repressed memories were all traumatic and best left alone. Now I'm wondering how many happy memories I've lost. Now I'm ambivalent about what I should do.

 Best,
-Slashy
 
 

NarcKiddo,
 Yeah, it's especially jarring because my memories from that period are so clear. That was the mostly *happy* part of my childhood. I had absolutely no suspicion that anything was missing.
 Then I hear a song and *BANG*! "Oh by the way you had a torrid summer camp puppy love romance in 1979 and this was your song. So that's a thing"...   
 I didn't forget it, I never knew it had ever happened.
 Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?
-Slashy

Hope,
 It's Deep Brain Reorienting.
 Now I'm left with a new problem. I was content to let sleeping dogs lie and not explore my jumbled memories. Now I want to know *all* of it. The loss of previous happy memories alongside the traumatic ones is a tragic loss. Chrissy's memory was lost to me at the age of 11. My subconscious popped the fuse on the neural pathways associated with her. I only recalled her at the age of 54. 
 What *else* did I experience that is no longer available to me? I have no idea. I don't remember. 

Best,
-Slashy
 
 
 

 It's been a long while. DBR therapy is stressful, but I can personally attest to its effectiveness.

 I just want to note a new frustration about repressed memories.
 
 I had ranted a couple weeks ago about how awful late 1970s disco music was, and decided to revisit it. Billboard Top 100 hits, 1979.
 On my way into work, The song "A Little More Love" by Olivia Newton-John came on and I was instantly transported back to summer camp at 8 years old and my whirlwind "puppy love" romance with a girl from the girl's camp.
 Nothing untoward or sexual, we were just crazy about each other and conspired to thwart the adults' attempts to keep us apart. Passing notes, meeting in line, stealing moments together.
 And at the intramural dance, they finally couldn't stop us. We were together the whole night. And when they turned down the lights and lit up the disco ball for couples dance, that was our song.
 There was nothing traumatic or upsetting about that experience. It was just happy. 
 The only sad part was the bus ride home when she and her older sister had to leave the bus. We both cried so hard because we knew we'd never see each other again.
 Point is, this was a perfectly *happy* memory. Very wholesome and uplifting. But when my subconscious got busy burying later traumatic memories, it buried this one too.
 I lost a lot of innocuous and even joyful memories. Far more than traumatic ones. But I still fear what might pop up more than I welcome it.

 Childhood trauma doesn't just leave your memory scattered with landmines, it robs you of happy memories as well and leaves you too scared to search them out.
 I hate that.

Best,
-Slashy

NarcKiddo,
 My abuse left me avoidant and non- confrontational. I realize that different people respond in different ways, but that's how *I* responded...
 Anyway, as a result of that I never had the opportunity up to that point to throw a proper punch, leaving me lacking confidence in that ability should the need arise. After that incident I no longer feared *that*, but my automatic response in a conflict remained "freeze".

 Which leads me to the point of the dream.

 After mulling it over, I believe the dream itself isn't as important as my emotional response to it although both are related.
 I think my "fight" response is reemerging after having been suppressed since childhood.I'd wager that this dream and response is a common occurrence for people with a normal fight response.

Best,
-Slashy

All,
 Trigger warning as usual (not for the squeamish)...

 I recounted a dream I noted as 'important' this afternoon, and my T seemed taken aback by it.

 It starts with me approaching a friend of the family about a prior transgression that I was upset about. To be clear, this transgression never happened in real life.
 In the dream, she had punched me for no apparent reason the last time I'd seen her and found it uproariously hilarious.I had decided to confront her about it, explain to her why it had upset me and demand an apology, and she did it again! Laughed about it, and all my friends and family were there, laughing along with her.
 
 I was so angry, I tried to throw a punch back at her as hard as I could... but I was frozen in place. I was unable to move.

 I woke up from that dream absolutely furious! I hadn't lacked the ability, will, courage, or resolve to deliver that crippling blow I so desperately wanted to deliver, I was cheated by the physics of the dream; physical paralysis.

 I've had lots of other dreams along these lines over the years, but never one where I woke up livid because I was denied the ability to severely injure someone in a dream. And after I woke up, I fantasized about how the dream "should have" ended; me delivering that devastating reply shot, her ending up unconscious with a broken jaw, skull fractures, unconscious on the pavement, with me berating her...

 Neither of us were quite sure what that dream meant, but it scared the bejeezus out of me!
--------------------------------------------
 Related story: I know that I am physically (if not mentally) capable of delivering such a devastating blow.
 I was conditioned from early childhood to avoid confrontation and am a scrawny guy... so I've never had the opportunity to gauge the force of one of my punches. I just assumed it would be pitiful, so avoided any situation where I would need to rely on it.
 2004, I was hanging out with my soon- to- be ex in the bar, and they were holding a competition to see who could hit the punch-o-meter arcade game the hardest.
 I *really* didn't want to get involved in that, for fear of embarrassment. But they were all cajoling and insisting, so I eventually caved in and did it. I gave it everything I had because I was so afraid in the moment.
 I punched the machine so hard that it literally broke. 
 Scared my wife (and myself), and ruined the mood of the party. Turns out that nobody likes "psycho- level" energy. Especially not me.
 I don't want anyone to ever be afraid of me.

 Best,
-Slashy
 
 

All,
 This song came up on my playlist today and it hit me pretty hard.
 The first verse is pretty spot- on, but the rest misses the mark.
 
"The key to my survival was never much in doubt.
The question was how I could keep sane while trying to find a way out.
Things were never easy for me. Peace of mind was hard to find.
I needed a place where I could hide, somewhere that I could call mine.
I didn't think much about it until it started happening all the time.
Soon I was living with the fear everyday, of what would happen that night.
I couldn't stand to hear the crying of my mother and I remember when...
I swore that that that was the last they'd ever see of me and I'd never go home again".

 And so the song progresses and the prodigal son returns only to find that he has been disowned by his abusive father for his abandonment. "You're no son of mine".

 This is where the song gets it wrong. It's not just the abuser that casts you out, it's *everyone*.
 None of them can relate to that decision.

 Cutting all ties and fleeing is a drastic option; one that I and my surviving siblings all took. Everyone was affected, the guilty and innocent alike. They have no way to relate to that decision and they will all condemn you for it.

 There is no closure. There is no rapprochement.The only "family" you will ever have from that point on is the one you have made for yourself.
 My baby sister is only just now learning this fact.

All,
 It's been weeks (months?) since the last time I've posted.
 The best I can say is that DBR seems to be *very* powerful, but also very exhausting. I have very vivid and pointed dreams every night as my subconscious processes my lost memories, which leave me more tired when I wake up than I was when I went to sleep. Sometimes I understand my dreams, sometimes I don't.
 I also lost a disturbing amount of weight this summer. Down from 143 lbs to 124 (a large percentage of body mass). I've clawed my way back to 132 through eating lots of military MREs.
 I simply don't feel the need or inclination to discuss the trauma of my childhood anymore. I also don't feel like I've made any major changes in my life, which would indicate that I've started breaking my cPTSD habits. I feel like I've just reverted to the "normal" that has carried me all these decades.
 I've made friends with a rescue dog named "Maverick" through my GF. He's a lanky tan stray mystery breed. All ears, tail, and legs. Highly intelligent. He doesn't get along with other dogs and can't be around them, but loves humans.The two of us are dopplegangers. It's like looking through a dark mirror.
 I don't know what (if anything) I can add to the convo here. Just my unique experiences.
 Best,
Slashy

 

All,
 Thanks for the replies.
 Best,
-Slashy