Messages

Papa Coco, thanks for the safe, sheltering hug.  I really appreciate your support!

I've been through a little spiritual rollercoaster.  The only thing that works for me is the concept of energy.  And yes, I'm finding that the more I incorporate that into my healing, the better things work.  Still waiting to feel replenished with energy, though, lol.  
   -Cascade
   

Wow, James, welcome back here and welcome back to your life!  

All you wrote sounds amazing.  Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
   -Cascade

PaperDoll, thanks for all your contributions.  Hope your break is a good one.
   -Cascade

Hi Little2Nothing,
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.  I was privileged to read some of your healing journey.
   -Cascade

Kizzie, thanks so much for your thoughtful insights.  I really appreciate your own example, too.  Yes, I can hold it in the back of my mind, but putting effort into a relationship with my brother right now is too much.  I'm not sure it'll ever be in the cards, but I'm not closing the door, either.  It's just a big maybe.  Who knows?! 
   -Cascade

to you Papa Coco.

[You Hurt Me]

Introduction
I recently started a series of "You Hurt Me" letters, by long hand, in my real-life journal.  So far, I have them for my most recent ex-boss, my most recent ex-lover, and my ex-husband.  I'm working in reverse chronological order.  The only two left that I intend to write are to my parents.  They're both dead and I never confronted them about the abuse.  I think maybe seeing the words in purple and white and expressing them from my own hand might help dislodge and process some of the pain of all their hurt.

  Yeah, I write with a purple pen.  I associate purple with being at the intuitive end of the color spectrum, like our chakras, so I like seeing purple as I write.

You Hurt Me

The Ex-Husband

Ex-husband, you hurt me.  I fell in love with you and you told me you loved me.  It was a lie.  People who love someone don't do the things that you did to me.

You humiliated and belittled me around other people.  You always had to be the winner, whether we were around others or by ourselves doing something as simple as play fighting.  You always had to be the strong man, never recognizing or even seeing my strength.  You hurt me.

You took me to sex parties.  You wanted to let other men do as they pleased to me, just like you.  You wanted other men to see the sex toy you obtained for yourself, like you got to show me off to everyone.  You reinforced that my only worth was for sex.  And you wanted our lives to revolve around sex because you were a sex addict.  You set a schedule for our sex later, and knew that kind of emotional abuse would be enough to keep me in line.  You didn't even have to hit me.  You took advantage of me, knowing that all I wanted was to feel loved.  You used sex as a substitute for love and I accepted it based on years of my father's training.  You hurt me.

Later, when things really started falling apart, I was shocked by your admission that on the night we first went out, you struggled with yourself, trying to decide if you were going to do this to me ...  You knew you would hurt me!  You knew how young and desperate I was to be loved.  And you didn't care.  You did it all anyway.  You were the important one, the only one who mattered.  You never loved me.  You took advantage of me in so many ways:  sexually, financially, emotionally.  You separated me from my friends and family.  You took complete control of my life, even forcing me to work where you worked.  You kept picking away at my already injured identity, making sure my strength could never surface to usurp you.  You hurt me.

Goodbye.

[You Hurt Me]

Introduction
I recently started a series of "You Hurt Me" letters, by long hand, in my real-life journal.  So far, I have them for my most recent ex-boss, my most recent ex-lover, and my ex-husband.  I'm working in reverse chronological order.  The only two left that I intend to write are to my parents.  They're both dead and I never confronted them about the abuse.  I think maybe seeing the words in purple and white and expressing them from my own hand might help dislodge and process some of the pain of all their hurt. 

  Yeah, I write with a purple pen.  I associate purple with being at the intuitive end of the color spectrum, like our chakras, so I like seeing purple as I write.

You Hurt Me

The Former Lover

Former Lover, I can't even refer to you as a boyfriend or partner because you never saw a human being actually attached to the sex.  You hurt me.  I offered my friendship and my body and my fun and my thoughts.  You screwed them all and flushed them down the toilet like a pile of poo.

You were so confusing, saying our communication was important, then acting like I was yours to use whenever it pleased you.  I thought we were friends with benefits who got close at work, until you showed that you had the attitude of simply wanting sex at work whenever it was convenient for you.

I just wanted to make a connection with another human being that could include sex with a sense of safety.  I was wrong about you.  Nothing about you was safe.  You used me.  You hurt me.

You treated me like every other man in my life, taking advantage of everything I was willing to give.  You treated me like I was worthless, less than a person, just a lay.  You hurt me.

You gaslit me, so I refuse to shame myself for "letting" you treat me that way.  You even blamed me when I told you I was upset and felt my boundaries were violated.  You said I was the one who needed to calm down and time time to think about what was going on.  My only mistake was trying to reach out and connect with another human being.  You hurt me.

Goodbye.

[You Hurt Me]

Introduction
I recently started a series of "You Hurt Me" letters, by long hand, in my real-life journal.  So far, I have them for my most recent ex-boss, my most recent ex-lover, and my ex-husband.  I'm working in reverse chronological order.  The only two left that I intend to write are to my parents.  They're both dead and I never confronted them about the abuse.  I think maybe seeing the words in purple and white and expressing them from my own hand might help dislodge and process some of the pain of all their hurt. 

  Yeah, I write with a purple pen.  I associate purple with being at the intuitive end of the color spectrum, like our chakras, so I like seeing purple as I write.

You Hurt Me

The Ex-Boss

Former Boss, apologies start with, "I'm sorry I ..." instead of, "I'm sorry you ..."  I may have apologized in turn if you had ever genuinely apologized to me for the things you did.  You put the blame on me for everything.  You blamed me for my reaction to what you did.  You used me.  You used me for your own purposes and your own gains.  You got me to do your work for you — work you were getting paid for, work that was your responsibility.  The way things worked weren't clear to me, so I asked you about it.  If they weren't clear to you, you should've asked, too.  But you didn't want to ask because deep down you knew what you were doing was wrong.  I told you that the other boss made it clear it wasn't my responsibility to do your work.  You tried to convince me that I was getting paid for the work.  You gaslit me.  You hurt me.

Then you recruited another boss into the same practices to make it appear normalized.  She backed you up.  She enabled you.  You manipulated her so you could manipulate me.  You hurt me.

I was in so much pain that I couldn't do any of my work anymore.  I couldn't function in the work environment you created around me.  Finally, the only way I could protect myself was to leave.  I had to get away from your abuse.

I don't care what your intentions were — whether good or truly uncaring.  I gave you the benefit of the doubt, apologizing when you expected and basically demanded it, trying to live up to your standards.  Your actions towards me and the way you treated me spoke louder than any intentions.  You hurt me.  You used me.  You took advantage of me.  You lied to me.  You kept hurting me until I couldn't take it anymore.  You broke me down until I felt spat out and useless.  You hurt me.

Goodbye.

Papa Coco, thanks so much for sharing your own insights with closing estates.  Agreed, no contact was so much better.  But then there's also the fact that if I wasn't so triggered, I wouldn't have so many lovely opportunities to heal, lol!  

Guess it's just the right time, and I have to hold on and do what I can do, when I can do it.  What I hear mostly from you is that at least the probate will have an end-point.  That's what I'm hanging onto!
   -Cascade

Armee, thanks for the tender loving hugs!  And Phoebes, thanks for sharing your wisdom.  It got me to breathe again.

Yeah, when I confronted him about manipulating the guy at the bank to reveal hints about the accounts he really couldn't reveal, my brother's response was, "But I do it for good!"  OMG, doing bad things for "good" reasons only reminded me of power-hungry narcissists I see in movies like Medici and The Borgias.  I think it would take another in-person visit over something really emotional to get us talking about our childhood.

TW:  Rape
I suspect he knew something was up the last time I remember our dad raping me during a summer visit.  He kept asking what happened in the hotel bathroom, if I was okay, and I finally had to get mad at him to get him to stop asking.  I was 12, so he would've been 8 (and going through his cancer treatment).  Not sure he remembers that.  I didn't even remember till more than 35 years later, eesh!  Not sure I want to go down that memory lane with him.

Thanks so much for all your well wishes and support.  It does feel good to get this off my chest!
   -Cascade

Hi Group,
I'm not sure there's a solution or anything to be done here.  Just need to get this off my chest and away from me.  All thoughts are welcome!

I never talked with my brother, who is four years younger, about the childhood sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of our father.  We've been communicating more than we usually do out of necessity, since our mom passed away about six months ago.  It's brought a constant barrage of triggers that I've kept to myself.  I always tried to protect him.  Our communication is still very superficial and logistical.  Once I left the house at age 18, we rarely talked at all.

Anyway, he texted me today with his usual humorous front, "Happy (not?) Mother's Day," and said he was just checking in on me.  It was a kind message, but I still responded very superficially.  Guess we just haven't laid the trusting groundwork that would be needed for me to respond more honestly.  There was a part of me (larger than expected) that just wanted to unload on him and tell him everything.  No, I'm not okay.  I've been in an emotional flashback for two and half months, and dealing with all the instability of CPTSD and oh yeah, left my job!

I know there wouldn't be any point in doing that though, because once all this with probate and everything gets closed out, we'll probably just go back to not being in each other's lives.  And now I'm crying because it kinda sucks and feels pretty painful not to have a relationship with my only living immediate relative.  Dad died in 2017, thank god.  But there were things that I saw in my brother when he visited for a few days right after mom's death that make me think maybe he fell into the trap of narcissism.  He sure can be manipulative.  Our father probably trained him well, too... except to be a "man," instead of the way dad "taught" me to be a woman.

I was doing better today till I got that text.  Everything came flooding back as I imagined telling it all to him.  Plus the newly felt pain of our superficial relationship.  It all hit me.


Thanks for letting me express all that here.  At least I have someplace to put it! 
   -Cascade

Wow, Phoebes, that is so triggering and unbelievable that he would still try to play you like that!  I'm so sorry to hear that happened.  Wish I had some sage advice but I'm honestly totally blown away.

I, for one, wouldn't wish illness on you for the upcoming wedding.  I guess spring seasons are just rough, with parental days and weddings.  It sounds like you're considering going no-contact with him, which might be your only move at this point -- for your own sanity!  Have you learned any coping mechanisms to help you prepare for the triggers that might rear up around the wedding?

It sounds like you really see things and him for what they are.  That's so huge.  Bravo!
   -Cascade

Thanks so much for all the warm re-welcomes, Blueberry, Kizzie, Papa Coco, and woodsgnome.  I'm still seeking peace and haven't landed from my leap yet.  Peace sounds like a really good place to land!  I have to be honest, though, and admit I'm still scared completely behind my door of fear.  I'm so glad and grateful you all are there for me to reach out to. 
   -Cascade

Hi Kizzie,
At your convenience, I'd love to be added to the private journal section.  Thanks so much!
   -Cascade