Messages

Marcine, SanMagic, SenseOrgan, NarcKiddo, Armee, DesertFlower, TheBigBlue, BlueSky, Dollyvee!!!
Good lord, thank you! I feel like my thanks are so insufficient. But, lordy, your presence, it helps so much. I still feel like a fraud, but I know the inner critic does fraud really well... so I just try to ignore the IC as much as I can. It's such a struggle for me to receive. I can give. Was trained to give. Was trained to climb up on that cross and give until my last breath, but receiving is a million times harder. I breath, I relax, it's okay. Might never go away... completely. It is such a funny feeling... people always say "Trust your feelings"... sadly, with Cptsd, it's just not possible, so many of my "feelings" are just dead-wrong.
Thank you all again soo much.
 

Hi Hope,
I read your opening post for 2026 and was very touched. But I didn't respond immediately, probably related to being interrupted by a child or suchlike :-) Anyway, I'm back and I wanted to say how much I sensed self-care and understanding in your objectives for this year. It was very touching to read and feel the love in your words to yourself. It was inspiring, thank you.

And your comment to your husband about your night cries was touching too. I totally agree, it's probably better that it comes out, than it stays in. This has been a thought of mine since my last EF. I had the strange thought last week, when I was feeling pretty terrible, something like, imagine if I DIDN'T feel this? That is to say, it's there, but I don't feel it? And the next thought struck me... is it possible that it's actually "healthy" to feel the pain? That the "negative modality" (the Trauma) that must/needs/wants to come out, is much much better since it IS coming out? Imagine it's there, but it stays inside, hidden, crushed, throbbing...

This has been along the lines of my thinking for a long time about the purpose of pain. I feel a little childish thinking this, but I've not really understood why there's so much pain... And the idea has slowly been forming that pain is part of healing... or even, pain "initiates" healing. Whether it's the start of healing or integral to the process, I'm not sure...

Sorry to divert a little bit on my ideas, but your experience of night terrors brought it up in a very interesting way for me. Though I am very sorry you are experiencing that.

Sending love and hoping for peaceful rest.
 

I like cute things. I like children. I like childish things. But when I think about the concept, the manifestation of a child being a child, my heart hurts and I fear it. I want to cry. I am filled with fear. Part of me also imagines an adult acting like a child and I am repulsed somehow, like a magnet. Yet still I am always drawn to these instances.

lowbudgetTV,
For me the context is different, but the "conflict of feeling" (which is how I interpret what you wrote) is the same. It is hard to describe and explain, but I think you expressed it well: wanting one thing, but feeling torn and repulsed at the same time. Emotions or dissociation coming up from situations that we want to experience but are deeply conflicted by.

I believe this is one of the many symptoms of complex trauma. I believe it comes from having primal needs manipulated by caregivers in an unhealthy manner. That is to say, needing something, then having that thing manipulated or twisted such that we perceive that the thing is somehow conflicted with the emotional response of the parent.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm still thinking and reflecting on it as it seems to impact me in a very subtle way. But I'm closer to it now that I've read your post and processed my own feelings from it a little.
 

A book I'm reading now says that we need to forgive ourselves for the wiring. We aren't as responsible for ourselves as we try to believe we are. At least, I'm not. It described me perfectly when it said I'm like a leaf that's blowing in the wind but thinks I'm dancing of my own free will. That's been a comfort. I absolutely believe in personal responsibility, but I have to stop taking it so far as to think I can muscle through all the terrible things my family and church did to train me for most of my life. I'm behaving as I was trained to behave. I'm taking responsibility for myself by seeking help, admitting my feelings and fears, connecting with the right people, reading the right books...I don't need to behave like nobody's ever hurt me before. I can be responsible without believing I need to be undamaged. I like that old saying that our scars are where the light enters us.

PapaCoco,
I'm so very sorry for your current state. I want to absolutely support and validate what you wrote. It cannot be said enough, cannot be repeated enough: We are not at fault for feeling terrified and triggered at events and situations we know all too well. This pattern was pounded into us when we were in development, construction, neuronal creating, processing and pruning... it is as if during the construction of the house, an evil clown passes every night and switches wires around, changes the plumbing, inverts doors, pulls out insulation, unscrews the drywall, saws through the beams, and tears off parts of the heating system... Day after day, and for years after, we keep finding things that break, don't work, explode suddenly... it just goes on for years. We got sold a lemon... a lemon of a nervous system and limbic brain... Visitors to the house, like our prefrontal cortex see very little, but we know, when the lights go out at night, and things start going wonky, we know, that f*ing clown was one sadistic sob...

I got an email from a narcissist yesterday. They demanded to know what I meant by "X". I read the email and felt the clench in my stomach, the twist in my gut, the shame-jolt through my heart. I reread the email, then reread what I had originally written... I never wrote "X"... For a good fifteen minutes, my brain did a somersault... I "tried" to figure it out...I tried again. I got scared. I felt their anger towards me. I began responding, writing, thinking of a way to explain to them that they got it wrong, that it made no sense, that they'd made a mistake. I began explaining the mistake, searching to express how I could be understood. Then I stopped. I realized I could not do anything. The feeling I felt inside was horrible. This sick person had just jabbed a pen into my wound of 57 years. Bloody heck... I deleted my email... I shut my computer... I walked away... But the feeling of "wrong" and "responsible" and "you're in trouble" stayed right with me... I still feel it now.

That "thing" is punched into my nervous system like a cannonball punches into the side of a ship...

PapaCoco, YOUR family was a forty-gun ship of the line, and they had but one target... But lord almighty, you are one tough son-of-a-gun... You're still afloat! How many broadsides did you take? That beautiful little innocent trusting boy, looking around, wondering... they tried to kill you, but you're still here, standing, weeping perhaps, but tears more justified I have rarely seen. I say, "Go ahead, slink around your house feeling however you want to feel. Hide, cry, rage, suffer... none of that comes from you, even if it's as deep as it goes... it's still not the "real you". The real you is on either side, before the torture began, and now that the torture is long done. That is the real you. And you know this is going to pass faster then in the past, faster than it ever has, because you have done the work, pushed forward, opened to the love. You're firing salvos yourself now, but they are bombs of love that explode like fireworks in that dark night sky. And by their light, we see a thousand other little ships out there alongside you, floating on the soft swell, all your friends who know and love you. We're watching your magic, PapaCoco, it's so beautiful. Thank you, thank you for letting us be part of YOU...

Thankyou HannahOne! That was absolutely lovely. Frank is now a rockstar thanks to you.
 

Great news Teddy bear! Well done with the work and searching and results!
 

Asdis, Dollyvee put it really well, "I'm sorry, all that is really tough." I second that. Sounds like you are working double shifts with the symptoms and research, all on low energy. I understand the low energy. I'm also struggling with foods, but not allergies, just sugar and carbs. But even that is hard to avoid, so I empathize immensely with your allergy limitations.

It takes a long time to see effects on a deep level, but working with the nervous system and parasympathetic stimulation might be an avenue to explore. I have great faith in Indian and Ayurvedic approaches.

Sending care and support
 

Thank you NarcKiddo, this highlights for me something my mother did ALL THE TIME: Telling me how I felt. And not only was it simply a reflection of how SHE felt, it was done so insidiously that it took me decades to figure it out. The most common situation was simply to "mirror" something that wasn't there. I think almost exactly like your mom did. Mine would make statements about things and how it was "alright" to feel ashamed, or cry, or whatever. But rarely was there any place for me to express what exactly I was feeling. I think it's possible to simply not feel things because we were never given the opportunity to have the breathing space to explore and find out on our own what exactly we were feeling. Indeed, it is a quantum problem, both there and not there at the same moment in time. :-)

Hey Dalloway... yeah, I feel your sadness. It's such an integral part of Cptsd. The hopelessness had me firmly in its grasp this week. It's ebbed a little, but once more the reminder just how much this sucks. I loved your image of lilies... please know it's ok to float. There is no hollywood muscled hero who beats back Cptsd. The best most of the world can do is deny and dissociate. You're not doing that. The sadness is recognition, what the child needs to crawl out from beneath the bed. Do whatever you need now, Dalloway. Take the emptiness and make it sympathy for the one you were who faced that infinite injustice. You can't change the past, but you are no longer alone, here, now, in the present. I see you and validate your feelings. Dive as deep as you need, but know: love awaits you at the surface when you re-emerge, love in the form of beautiful lilies floating on all that sadness.
 

Chart's healing recipe (morning/daily routine, with detailed notes below):
1) 10 minutes abdominal strengthening
2) 5-10 minutes Cardiac breathing
3) 15 minutes PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation)
4) Twice per month EMDR therapy (and frequent binaural EMDR on my own, 40 minutes of binaural sounds, often at bedtime)


1 - Abdominal strengthening: Methode Guillarme https://www.methode-guillarme.com
This is very frustrating for me because the method and link is entirely in French, thus very difficult to access the full potential for English speakers. I need to find the "equivalent" in an English format... will update this post hopefully in the future.
Also, it's hard for me to stress how important this abdominal strengthening has been for me. It has helped my diet through improved digestion, improved intestinal functioning, my hernia, my perineum, and allows me to breath more deeply and efficiently regardless of whether or not I am conscious of it. This takes less than ten minutes per day, and I know it is helping like a background program running at all times, regardless of what state I am in...

2 - Cardiac breathing (also known as Cardiac Coherence) is a technique specifically documented to calm the nervous system, specifically around the heart. There are variations, but it usually consists of a three-second intake breath and a five-second outtake breath.

I use an App on my iPhone created by a French company, but there are lots others out there.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.thermesallevard.respi_relax&gl=FR

Note: I know this is triggering for some people, so please go into deep breathing exercises with awareness and patience. Here's an interesting video I found on the subject:
What to do When You're Triggered by the Breathing in Yoga: A Trauma-Informed Understanding
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0fzGUPdb4A

3 - Progressive Muscle Relaxation has been the most powerful tool I have found for regulating my system and alleviating my anxiety symptoms from Cptsd. Note, I have been practicing this for two years now, on a consistent and daily basis. I do not believe in (nor is there much evidence for) rapid symptom alleviation of life-long stress and anxiety caused by developmental trauma (Cptsd). However, PMR engages a process of activation of the Parasympathetic Nervous System, which for me has been radical in reducing my intense suffering. In two years, I have "reduced" much of my suffering by around 30-40% in general and on average... it's hard to put a number on it, but I'm convinced it's helped me a lot. I have every intention of continuing and am hopeful to increase this relief from my daily anxiety. Irene Lyon speaks to the slow but steady technique of Polyvagal parasympathetic nervous system healing work. This aspect of healing has been critical to my understanding of the healing I'm trying to effectuate and "how long" it's going to take before I start to "get results":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qxd8hTMUSOY

This is the specific PMR program I use, but there are lots on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqqqZDSojoQ&t=816s

In line with PMR, Parasympathetic nervous system work is a HUGE topic and there is lots of info on the web and youtube. If it's new for you, I highly recommend learning about it. It's Polyvagal Theory, by Stephen Porges. Here's a video I like about the subject, but there is a lot more out there:
Pradip Jamnadas https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irn3cFHmK-Y

4 -  EMDR. I've done it in the past and have begun a second round, working with a State psychologist who is not particularly trauma informed (or maybe she is, but she doesn't express very much). EMDR work is specifically linking my two hemispheres, right and left brain. This is accompanied by a lot of mourning. I feel ready for it now, at this point of my life, however, it is incredibly overwhelming.

I thought it might be interesting to start a thread regarding specific techniques people on the Forum are doing in their healing journey. This is people-oriented, what you are doing on a daily or regular basis in order to heal from  your developmental trauma (Cptsd). I'll follow with a "recipe" of my current healing "program". The presentation format is my own invention, but please describe your experience as you feel is good for you and you think might be of help to others.
Love and support, Chart
 

 
Very cool Agency, DF.
It's good to know that actions we take, however hard and complex, can achieve things.
Step by step, understanding, growth, movement on the path.
Love and hugs.
 

I'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.

Ran, I hear your struggle. It sounds very hard... and very familiar. I agree there is something "miraculous" in your story. That you are still fighting and living shows the power of your resilience. When one part of us is weak, another part compensates with strength.

From what you describe, I would agree that your symptoms are neurological. And it seems clear it comes from trauma.

This is the condition we are in and must try to understand and grow through. It's hard, but I believe it's not impossible (most days :-)

Finding health and balance after trauma is the hardest thing we can face.

Sending love and support.
Chart
 

Thank you everyone, I don't know what to say. But your support helps so much. Now it's time to mount the walls of the wave. Perhaps they're not as high as I thought. Your words are like little ladders, magic stepping stones, one foot after the next. The little child sees only giants around them, everything oversized. Maybe that's where I am.

So many good things happened to me after writing those words this morning. I reached out all around, and in every way. I spoke with several friends, different subjects, but all of it good and rational and supportive. These conversations are lighting up little candles and filling the room with light. My son came home from school because he wasn't feeling well. I then had a task outside of my Suffering. He wasn't "that" ill, more sick of school then really sick :-) We talked about all sorts of stuff, connected, laughed a little, ate dinner together. My daughter called while I was out grocery shopping. She was struggling with her feelings and the challenges of adolescence and we talked about life and love, me in the middle of a French super market speaking loudly English on my phone to my daughter, people looking at me, me not caring. My daughter kept telling me that she felt horrible because she knew she kept annoying people. I kept responding, simply, "You don't annoy ME..." I felt a surge of Attachment Theory crash through the thoughts of love over the telephone. I FELT the theory and wanted to scream, "THIS SH*T ENDS HERE! THERE WILL BE NO MORE ABANDONMENT TRAUMA IN THIS %#!&-ing family... I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true.

Just like you all have done for me here, seeing my pain and reaching out to support me.

I can face the tsunami, I can face the fire, knowing now what you have taught me. Thank you.

I have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, so

Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!


I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.

Ouf... Ran, your post hits me right square where I am suffering... now and for two years... and since forever...

My core trauma is Attachment... my research has revealed a long family history of father/child abandonment. The men were abandoned, were all subsequently raised by mothers who had in their own trauma emotional or physical abandonment. It's a web of failed relationships from the past, the inability of each to recognize their pain as the parental dysfunction. The scenario seems to be always the same: a woman suffering abandonment who then has a  male child, thus demanding their sons to fulfill their emotional needs which in turns causes trauma in the sons... who grow up to abandon their children. Somehow this six-wheel wobble-machine has moved forward through the decades advancing like a drunken sack of aluminum cans.

I am in extreme pain at the moment. It sounds like you are experiencing painful symptoms?

For me, this deep deep core wound that occurred in-utero and I endured directly for the first four years of my life, is what keeps rising up inside me as depression and mental pain. It gets pretty severe. I'm also experiencing physical breakdown, as various parts of my body are ceasing to function without mild to severe pain on a regular basis. I think pain can trigger further pain. The pain I'm experiencing in my body is triggering fear and insecurity in my psyche... because it's now extremely painful to "work" as I've been doing the past ten years. I'm now in a very scary place. This is awakening violently that primal wound of insecurity and absence of safety. It's not the same, but it's enough to trigger my old deep wound.

When these things get triggered, we have to listen to them. Pain in the present is leading us back to the wound that was never healed. It's really really hard, but I have to "go back" and sense what the core situation was and then stumble forward in a manner that allows to come into the light... and resolve... but it's hard... it was sooooo long ago.

Crazy situation, but that's how I understand it. What you are describing sounds quite a bit similar. If not, feel free to ignore what I wrote. It's just what struck me now in this moment.

Sending support