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HannahOne, Finally putting a name on my condition, Cptsd, was a huge help for me. It has changed everything. I now know what I am struggling about. As mentioned, I think my struggle got much more difficult once I realized all the interwoven aspects of developmental trauma. And as I started to link things up, and connect the dots, the conflicting emotions were terrible. I struggle enormously still. There's so much to make sense of and work out. But it helps so much knowing that I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

Hello everyone! Thank you for your feedback (and thank you for your understanding about sometimes (often) not responding to feedback :-))

It's New Year's Eve and two feeble attempts to spend the evening with friends seem to have melted. As well, my son had asked me to taxi him to a town nearby so he could attend a friend's party, then called a few minutes ago to say he had found another taxi... I was kinda sad, but then thought that accepting what the Universe brings is "okay" too. I then called my two oldest friends who live in the States and left messages on their telephones... Now I'm watching a YouTube video about how to change the clutch in a Vauxhaul Opel Vivaro... which is the same truck that I have... and to boot, I had the clutch changed when I changed the gearbox... so why am I watching this video?!? I'm not Exactly sure, but I suspect something to do with Cptsd...

I went to an osteopath yesterday. He manipulated my shoulder and now I'm recuperating. I'm pretty worried about my shoulder. Eight years ago I tore a tendon and have never done anything about. When I mentally collapsed in 2023, my body produced a inguinal hernia and this right shoulder started deteriorating. I month ago I moved a bout two square meters of earth, wet, from one place to another place, and with that and other physical work, I've felt my shoulder just getting more and more "contrary" to my expectations of functioning like it did when I was 18... I've pushed my body my whole life and it's served me so completely, utterly and tirelessly that now, finally when it's starting to crack here and there I can't but sigh and ask what it is I can finally do in order that it holds on another few years. I believe it can, but I definitely need to change how I treat myself... physically and the other third, mentally. Spiritual care is also in order. All of it comes now, two and half years after discovering what developmental trauma really is, what it does to a brain, and how I can best manage the whole affair in such as way as to live decently and with understanding.

The thoughts whirl of late. It is a winter storm of light snow and heavy winds. I am in many ways living on an edge, precarious and thin. I try not to look down too much, but in the depths lie the things that I feel I need to face and resolve. So I am hastily trying to learn how to fly, having come to an age when my unused wings are no longer at their prime.

Tomorrow is 2026. At least for me. I have spent 2025 fighting, just like 2024. How is it possible to just keep on compiling information and understanding, layer after layer. There is no end, I know, I know, just deeper to go. The earth is wet, full of rocks and my should hurts.

I'm two years solid PMR (progressive muscle relaxation), cardiac breathing (just five minutes per day) and abdominal exercises (I use a method called Guillarme, it's French and they have resisted my suggestion to "go English" with their technique, but it's just abdominal strengthening and there are other similar techniques out there. EMDR. I've done it in the past and have begun a second round. EMDR is tricky and confusing for me. Part of the complication is that my trauma is "mainly" pre-verbal. But I'm making headway, like crawling into a dark cave. Going slow, but very powerful. I also do binarual sounds (almost every day). Yet, I still don't know how to organize binaural sounds into a "container" that makes sense. I just listen, and let my mind wander. I believe I could be doing more, to make the experience more efficient(?) but have yet to arrive at that point. I'm committed to continuing to explore all that. I think getting both hemispheres of my brain working together can greatly aid the processing of what happened to me.

My mental collapse instigated a total draining of energy. Even now, going on three years, I am exhausted nearly 80% of the time. I'm just shagged. I organize my life around one week taking care of my youngest daughter, one weekend taking care of her and my high school son, and one week where I am "free" to work, or sleep or whatever depending on the conditions of my bank account. I have been an "independent" worker pretty much since I left New York back in 2002. I cannot hold a job in a company. I have way too much anxiety to survive working with someone else. I can do it for variable periods of time, but in the long run I am just too stressed, and so I break out and find something else where I can be relatively alone and independent. This is difficult to maintain, and after a month of working in a team, with a group, I invariably have to take off a week (or three) and just lie in bed and recuperate. It's a crazy situation when I reflect back on it. I've only in the past two years become conscious of how I operate. Now I understand what I've done my whole life, the stress and anxiety around work. My limitation, what's held me back over and over again. My brain is just deep-fried from early developmental trauma. I used to to think I was down-playing something when I would attribute my behavior and life experience to my infancy situation. Now I know, on a deep visceral level, the chaos of my first four years of life has absolutely impacted every single thing I've ever done or tried to accomplish. Coming to that full realization in September/October of 2023 hit me so hard, I still haven't recovered. I am literally re-constructing the very foundation of my psyche... and trying to do it right this time...

No wonder I'm tired. And I constantly fight that inner voice that keeps suggesting I'm lazy. That inner critic is really a wanker. I'm much better now at just flipping him off and walking past.

And in place of all those things I "should" be doing... I cry. I cry while doing my PMR. It erupts. I cry reading people's entries on this Forum. I cry when I think about my own children and just how hard it is to be a child. I cry as much as I frickin' can. I want to express just how hard I have struggled to deal with Cptsd. I want to cry and be seen by those who do not understand (and of course, I don't mean here). I want to get the fact across to the people I run across just how bad it can be. But I don't manage. I've got a couple ideas, but it takes energy, and energy is in desperately short supply at the moment. One of the hardest things I know is to react in such a way that no matter what I do, the other will not understand. My mother will NEVER understand. She didn't get it as she was abusing me, why on earth would she get it now? I got a card from her today... addressed to me formally, plus "the family" meaning her grandkids. Nothing inside but a crap Hallmark card saying "Peace on Earth" or some crap and signed by my mom and my dad... My Mother is a moron. I tried to love her, I really did. I consider myself extremely sensitive and empathic. I know exactly what my mother suffered from in her childhood. I could do nothing when her emotions ran roughshod over me my entire childhood, her anger, her over-reaction, her ignorance... she could never stand up for herself, so we kids had to submit to her reprisals. Looking back, I feel just how pathetic she really is. And she hasn't changed in the slightest. Vindictive and unjust, she lashes out at all those around her for her pain, dressed up in new-age spiritualism and watered-down Buddhism, all of which she is convinced she understands. She has apologized a million times, but I've never once heard her say it without affect, excuse, and reproach. Honesty is an absent trait in my mother.

Sorry, I don't often talk about my mother, but the digging the past few years has brought some stuff to the surface I want to get out. Thanks for listening.

2026... hmm... more healing? And then maybe a little more healing? And after that? Maybe I'll try and heal some more... LOL

What Healing looks like to me: First and foremost, I want more Energy. Energy gives me Agency. I want to achieve things that I know I am capable of, but because of my Cptsd I have not had the force to do them. So Healing in 2026 means, to me, getting closer to my inner children. I have two: the first is a baby, new-born really, the little guy that was relatively "okay" but then started seeing things that weren't normal. And of course, the total rejection from the biological father. That he had already attempted to terminate my existence should have tipped me off. But that's the funny thing about kids, they are actually really quite decent at that age... I mean, is it really so extraordinary to just want Love? So that little baby, he needs love, Love, LOVE. The real stuff, the deep stuff, the light stuff, the airy, wavey, miss-you-already-love! And I'm gonna give it to him. I'm giving it to him this very instant. I love you, chart. You were/are one little bundle of goodness. And I love you. And it's not gonna stop. It's NEVER gonna stop. Need more? No problem. I love you. I hold you, I kiss you, I cuddle you, I protect you... I'm everything that your biological father wasn't and couldn't. The tears are flowing. They are for you, with you. You EVERY RIGHT to be sad. I'm sad with you and being with you. We are one.

My second inner child is four. He appeared the day his biological father disappeared. Not an easy day. It wasn't a day. No one told him. Or maybe they did... You're not going to see your father any more. In a blink of an eye it was no longer an "issue". He's gone. What was never there, is now gone. Did you have to "move on"? Did you have questions? I know you did. Are you angry now? I think you are. I also think you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry. I absolutely agree with your anger. How can I help? No, we can't beat people up, though I agree I'd like to as well... no, we have to find another way, a better way, one that is good for us. What can we do instead? That's a tough one. I think we are going to have to do some work together this coming year. But I promise I am here now. I am "on it". I'm on your side, and we are going to explore this together, hand in hand. And I won't let go.

I'd better stop there. I'm already totally lost in tears of release. Happy New Year everybody. My thoughts are with us all. Much love and see you around :-)
Chart

< OOTS ice cream party. 

It really does look like that, I've seen the photos :-)

Hello Asdis, I'm here and I have witnessed your pain. I am thinking about you and sending thoughts of simplicity and balance.
Much love, chart

Now, I'm all alone in the hardest moments of my life and I don't see a meaningful future for me. It's been so long, too long, and I've had no enduring relief from my CPTSD. If anything, it's gotten worse in the last four years.

Hi Ray, Welcome to the Forum. I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. I'd like to give you my opinion regarding a couple questions and observations you have posed.

There is a general undercurrent belief that Cptsd does not get worse. What happens however, is that we become more conscious of what happened to us, and that realization is extremely triggering and can be a great cause of increased pain. For many many trauma survivors, there is a long period of coming to terms with what actually happened. It (rightfully so) remains incredibly difficult to realize just how bad things were. This process is discussed in depth in Pete Walker's seminal work, "Cptsd, From Surviving to Thriving". I don't know if you are familiar with his books, but if not it is an excellent starting point and even contains incredible insights for those who have been conscious of their pathology for awhile.

I guess my question now is if healing is even possible. I wonder, are there any people out there who have actually healed from CPTSD? What helped you? Is there any hope for me??

It it course matters what you mean by "healing". Healing from developmental trauma is comparable to other physical injuries. Healing occurs, but there remain scars. And often, the wound causes pain even after all has "healed". And someone who has lost a leg, cannot expect it to grow back. Does this mean they are not healed? Does this mean they cannot lead a meaningful life? Wounds, even serious ones, do not imply there is no longer meaning in life.

So, in my opinion, yes, there is hope for you. Please see yourself as I see you right now. You are here reading these words. Yesterday, you did not know what you would do or where you would go. Today you have taken a chance to reach out, question, seek, communicate, try to find answers to the things that are the most important. Why are we here? What are we doing? What brings joy? Why so much pain? I think many people just turn on their tv and ignore their pain. You have not done that. For me, You are the definition of Hope.

I could have died in my mother's womb. I lived in extremely adverse conditions for four years and then suffered the toxic behavior of another care-giver who was impelled to strangle and manipulate to ease her own pain. I lived in fear, anxiety and depression for fifty years. I searched the whole time for answers. It was a long road, but now I know. I understand the mechanisms on a corporal, mental and spiritual level. I've instituted practices that help me on a daily basis. I have a great relationship with my two youngest children. I have made connection and friends who understand my experience, as it is nearly the same as their own.

I want to improve, and struggle still. But now I have the key, it's called developmental trauma, and there are things that I can do. Ultimately, I'm on the right path and the healing has become the journey, not the goal.

Again, welcome. Looking forward to sharing our experiences and this strange voyage together.
Chart
 

My own mother trauma dumped her horrific childhood on me, crying in my bed when I was a toddler and throughout my life. So I went the other way completely. Lately I've been questioning if that's fair or reasonable, I feel like I'm withholding part of their legacy as well, like part of their medical And I guess I feel dishonest to brush off the question, like I"m invalidating her sense.... but I don't know how to answer.

Boy does that sound familiar. I remember explicitly the very last time I "took care" of my mother... she was crying on her bed and I came in and "had" to console her. Of course, her weeping was all about her and she was upset that she was such a horrible mother and that her son was chronically depressed because of her... All of it completely true, looking back. But of course I comforted her and told her, no, it was just "normal" what I was going through. I was literally folding in on myself with horrible feelings of inadequacy and severe depression, and I denied it all... all so that she wouldn't feel so bad... Ugh! I have NEVER done anything remotely similar to my children, and I'm very happy and proud of that.

Regarding "how to answer" questions from your children... What I do is just state the facts. I answer the question literally and as accurately as possible, with just the information. Then I let that information "be". Perhaps there will be more questions, perhaps not. I have a long relationship with my kids. What they can understand will also change over time as they have their own experiences and grow.

Another possibility is to use a family therapist to participate in a session with one or both of your children to discuss this subject. That might make things easier for you, for everyone, having a third party present holding the space, creating a container as it's often put.

Just some ideas and thoughts. Hope that you can work towards some peace in this trans-generational transmission of your lived experience.
Sending support and hugs
 

 

[I haven't shared anything near the extent of my childhood neglect and all types of abuse with my kids. I don't even think they think my childhood was particularly unpleasant or challenging, they just think it was a bit impoverished compared to theirs. They don't know I was ever struck.]

HannahOne,
I have three kids, 19, 17 and 12. I am estranged from my eldest daughter (19). She is Trans and has rejected me from her life. I think I fully understand why she did this. My son (17) has recently returned to France after two years attending school in the US. He jumped at an opportunity to get out of the family dynamic. I think he did right. I also think the Universe did right by arranging things that he comes back now. My youngest daughter (12) currently occupies most of my time: I set my priorities thus: Make money to take care of us; Research, therapy, healing practices, etc to take care of myself; Everything else, working to take care of my three children, the youngest of which requires the most time and energy. I'm globally content with my current parenting. I cannot change things in the past, but I am doing a very good job in the present and have learned an enormous amount about myself that has helped me become a much better parent. I cannot stress that enough, I have a much better relationship with myself today than ever I had in the past. As such, my relationship with my kids is much much easier and better (even my daughter who doesn't want me in her life, which I am respecting but not suffering from).

I discovered Cptsd in August of 2023, (a Cptsd video on YouTube. :-) From that point on I began a massive change that was in no way shape or form easy or pleasant. Things definitely got way way worse. I broke up a serious intimate relationship and subsequently experienced a mental collapse. I wanted very much to end my life during this period. The fact that I had three children factored into that decision-making process VERY profoundly. Simply put, I began for the first time in my life to understand myself in a context that finally made sense: Developmental Trauma. It is impossible to understand Cptsd and NOT apply the concepts of it to our own children. A good metaphor might be: the cat is out of the bag, and kids don't have much experience with the cat's claws.

For me, the relationship I had with my own children changed enormously when I discovered the true impact of trauma on my Self and my Behavior.

I wanted to give some context to my own situation. I think it's important because no two situations are the same, and as we know there's no one-size-fits-all, particularly with development. I now talk about some subjects with my son, who is older, that I don't necessarily bring up with my daughter, or when they come up, I handle them differently. All that being said, I'll give you my feedback/opinion regarding the questions your raised. But this is just my opinion and by no means the final say in the matter. There are plenty of times I've not followed the classic advice in certain situations. I actually believe that children are far smarter than anyone realizes. Unconsciously treating them contrary to this I believe can keep them from realizing their own capacities.

I haven't shared anything near the extent of my childhood neglect and all types of abuse with my kids. I don't even think they think my childhood was particularly unpleasant or challenging, they just think it was a bit impoverished compared to theirs. They don't know I was ever struck.

My experience is that kids know A LOT more than what they give out. They might know it in a different modality, like in their bodies, but they know it. My daughter particularly has stunned me with the depths of her understanding, and not lessened by the manner in which it seems to appear out of nowhere. She once told a group of people, in my presence, surrounding the subject of family relations, very directly and simply, that her father had suffered maltreatment when he was a baby. She didn't go into details, no explanations, just the correct response to a question that was completely true. I looked at my daughter completely differently after that. Of course I had previously mentioned this, but I had not phrased it in that manner, nor gone into any details. But my daughter had intrinsically understood.

My kids are 14 and 18 now. The 18 year recently said that they know I don't like my parents, but don't know why. We were very LC throughout their lives and NC the last few years, so they have met my parents but not seen anything like the full picture of who they are.

Again, I think children pick up on a lot more than we realize. We're talking about shared DNA. I mentioned to my kids the other day that I did not want to see or talk to my mother. They didn't even ask why. I forget the question exactly, but I explained about the last time I had spoken to my mother and the fact that my mother had bullied and disrespected me. I added that I knew why, that she was scared and was certainly having a crisis of her own. But both my kids explicitly replied that they understood and I got the very strong impression that they totally agreed and supported me. I left it there and didn't continue, as there didn't seem to be any need of going into details (I'll come back to that idea in a minute.)

I want to share a little more of my history with my kids. I feel they need to know more who I am, and where I come from, as it's part of their own wider story. And the older one is asking. I would like them to understand better why I raised them as I did so they can make sense of their world.

I don't think children (or anybody) "need to know" anything. The question is rather, would it be beneficial, positive, advantageous in some way to know the story? The answer is very often, yes, but it's not straightforward. First, how much is actually your own desire to "share" your story with others? For this aspect I suggest careful caution. I grew up with a mother who passed off things to me in the guise of it being good for me... when in reality is was NOT good for me, it was in fact what she wanted. This is a VERY tricky element of parenting and with Trauma it is especially important. Over the years, I've looked back and seen very clearly that sometimes what I thought I was doing "for" my children, was in fact "for" myself. And this doesn't have to be bad. But I know now that I have to be aware of this and ask myself this question in advance. One thing I've learned, and is more and more clear to me, is that less is better. Less of "me" imposing on "them". I can be me, and as a natural process, my kids see this... and know inherently, intrinsically, that they can become who they truly are. But "forcing" this very often backfires or has the reverse effect... (I hope that makes sense... :-)

At the same time I am afraid that if they know even the bare outline, they would feel guilty/feel like they need to take care of me.

Two things: Do you think you are explicitly or implicitly asking them to take care of you? Are you insidiously putting stress and pressure in such a way as to manipulate their behavior to achieve a result that you want? (My very strong conviction to that question is, NO. I do no think you would be on this forum asking these kinds of questions if that is in fact what you are doing, at least, on a systematic basis.) But in all relationships, this CAN happen. We all need someone to take care of us at different points in our life. Also, taking care of other people can be extremely rewarding, enriching, gratifying. So the point is, with children, where is the "good" ground? Why does my daughter LOVE, absolutely LOVE, making me my coffee in the morning? Am I abusing her? Manipulating her? Not at all. I'm actually empowering her. She's learned how to deal with the kettle, boiling water, measuring quantities, etc etc. She's proud as all get-out to be able to do that. Now this is different than emotional support, but still, there is nothing automatically wrong with one person giving support to another. It simply has to be dealt with in the appropriate context and to the appropriate measure.

Something else... As I suffer from abandonment trauma, I find it incredibly hard to ask for help. I will try to do everything myself and NEVER admit that I have passed my limits. This was a huge error on my part, for years. I literally made life more difficult for everyone around me, including myself, by trying to do everything myself. I'm now, much much better about that. I just let it not happen. I just tell everybody, nope, I didn't forget, I just couldn't get around to it. My kids understand 100%, I'm absolutely sure of it. Mind you, I also accept their own situations when they don't manage to do something. I think kids intrinsically sense balanced systems. So long as it's relatively fair, things are much much smoother. But what's interesting here is the guilt feeling, and perhaps identifying where it's really coming from.

Or that they would feel less safe in the world overall, knowing how bad people can be.

There's a great part in the book Dune, where the mother superior warns Jessika of the dangers of over-protecting her son... Again, this is a question of degree and context... But isn't it important to know just how dangerous the world can be? My daughter was recently targeted by a pedophile. What astonished me was to what degree she didn't identify this person's behavior as dangerous. She simply didn't know. This was not a subject I had discussed with her, or anybody... when a man four times your age asks you for photos of yourself in your underwear... this is BAD. Even after we had talked for several days, the real implication of the situation didn't register with her. How could it? I can barely imagine such a situation myself... how on earth was she supposed to understand it at age 12? So it took a long time for all that to solidify in her mind. She needed help and support and this was a situation where I knew I had to "force" the topic, because she herself just wanted it to disappear, to go away, to ignore it. But fortunately there were others who helped me out, particularly my son. His sister adores him and thus is much more open to what he has to say. The situation is not finished, but I don't feel nearly as stressed as I did and this is largely due to the knowledge that my daughter now understands better how to protect herself.

Or even that they might respect me less somehow. It would have been better to tell them gradually over the years and it shouldn't be a big secret. Now I just can't find the words. 

It has not been my experience that my children respect me less, in any situation. Children observe their parents and it fashions their own range of possible behaviors. Some they adopt, others they don't. Ultimately it's up to them. If they don't like something about their parents, they may tell them, or they may not. Such is the evolution of relationships. My eldest daughter clearly has a very negative opinion of me at the moment. Does this mean I'm a horrible person? I don't think so. Although it does give me an opportunity to look at some aspects of myself that she clearly sees in me and I can ask myself if those elements are valid? All relationships are opportunities for development and growth...

On Christmas day, I read my kids a christmas card I'd received from good friend. As I was reading it, I got choked up and started to cry. I cry a lot more these past few years than I did in the more distant past. I always feel a little ashamed, but I know, I KNOW, that children seeing their parents expressing emotion is not in any way shape or form "bad" for them. Quite the contrary... What's important is that they understand where the emotion is coming from. So when I cry in front of my kids I always explain why I'm crying. It's important that they know explicitly what I'm experiencing at that moment. My kids understand. I know they understand. Once, my daughter found the little doll that represented my inner child I used with my therapist in therapy. She asked about it, and I simply told her the simple truth. It was my inner child that I was "taking care of". She nodded and told me that I could have any of her stuffed animals if they could help. She understood. No big deal, just comprehension.

(I hope I'm not sounding pedantic... when I reread this I'm very confident that these ideas are neither new or unknown to others. I just mention all this as my experience...)

So here is my solution: I "open the door" with my kids. I mention a subject, like sex with my son. Usually it doesn't come out of nowhere. He or I have had an experience where it's related. I told my son recently that I wanted him to know that if he had any questions about sex or anything related to girls, or relationships, or whatever, he could ask me. I explained that I had bought him a box of preservatives, and that I felt strongly that as his father I needed to at least address the subject. There is a lot to know and learn about all of this, and I'm NOT going into it now, nor will I particularly go into it at all, UNLESS he has questions. The door is open, and I promise to answer the questions as simply and directly as possible, not going into other subjects, but sticking just to what he wants to know...

After stuff like that, I shut up... :-)

That is my general rule. I don't hide what's going on, but I don't force it either. I believe the best way to handle these things is to let it come naturally, smoothly. And for me at least, to not let it go too far (but that's just me :-)

Sorry for the long post. And sorry for the "advice". I tried as best I could to keep it to my own personal experience, and everything else is also just my opinion. If I have inferred anything upon you that you are not in agreement with I'll change it or remove this post entirely. But nonetheless thank you for a great topic as it's helped me sort out in my own head a very convoluted subject that I am also still working on. But I'm so grateful to my kids. They allow me to push myself in a very good way, good for them AND good for me.
-chart

Thank you everyone!! I am to a certain extent "giving up" responding to posts on my journal. I ask your understanding, as I am simply feeling overwhelmed after a life of trying to control and organize and categorize and hurt NO ONE even those who either through their behavior merit the turning of my back or the soles of my feet as I walk away... I am wheeling in circles, catching glimpses of "real-life" in between the flashes of pain that still blind me ten to twenty times per day. I believe I am losing my sense of "old-self" and what is coming in its place is strange and disorienting. Transformation is a painful process too. It is not only the suffering of the past that lingers in my cells, but the fear of the new me that strides directly at me in a crowded street, our eyes lock and I get that thrill of novelty that I have so craved, sought and created my whole life. It is insanity to change, yet I cannot keep it from coursing into and through me. I have lost myself, in order that I might be found.

My new friends, both in my head, here on the forum, and hidden behind the woodwork, are whispering to me. They suggest I speak of the present moment. And I think this is wonderful advice. Funny how I carry the past into the present. But I can choose what I keep now, more and more. I flip from one idea to the next with quick decision... the old patterns dropping to the ground as quickly as my ancient neural networks fire them off. I want some things from the past, but most I wish to release. There're new things coming into those old dead places. New growth coming from the compost of the past. I've been contacted these past weeks by multiple people from my past. A well-known jazz pianist I met on the tennis courts in New York was billed in the performance center just a few clicks up the street from where I now live. I stopped in my tracks as I passed and stared at the old familiar face and felt it was a sign from the Universe... A week later I sat in the audience listening and as I often do now, cried, remembering the man I used to be, that city I cruised on my bike from one end to the other... what another lifetime, what another person. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm suspicious. I feel something is coming, but I've no idea what it might be... could it be life itself? Can life get bigger? Better? Wider? Denser? Can life really change for the worst? I sense it differently now... "There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so..." -Bill
Received a text from an old friend last night... while talking to a new friend... it was almost too much. This old friend I've missed, so news from him was quite special. And he is greatly similar to my new friend with whom I was actively speaking... crazy serendipity. It's all getting to be too much. In the sense that I can't untangle it all. A week with my kids too, which was easy and simple and fun. Dare I say it comes from a new-found inner place of peace and balance? I don't know. I can't work it out rationally... The situation is too simple for my maddeningly complex organizational system created during five decades of confusion. Only at one point was I dogmatic. I "forced" my kids to take a walk around town on Christmas day. They'd agreed the day before when I'd proposed it, then when the afternoon actually came they both tried to weasel out of it. I held fast... then dragged them to the last place on earth they wanted to go... the Cathedral! I've raised two little die-hard atheists and they moaned with dismay as I led the way into the edifice. "It doesn't have to be a prison of reductionist ignorance..." I tried to explain, a big smile on my face... "It's a space-ship that can transport you to higher planes of conscious thought..." Perhaps there is a loving god after-all, as they settled down into a vociferous acquiescence of divergent questions and comments. We walked fast up and down the nave and transepts. Finally they got annoyed at my pace and sat down in the seats, talking between themselves. I made a tour, came back with my phone out and snapped off a bunch of pictures of the two in conversation. I am so god-awfully proud of these two... no idea how these things work out, but they are content in their present existence (imo) and seek fun as only complex organisms on a carbon-based life-infested planet can do. I suggested that more advanced species than ours would one day ponder our objective in constructing such structures. The whales will almost certainly rub their heads in wonder... "but isn't it obvious they all self-imploded and went extinct?" We came home and further expanded our consciousnesses with a Harry Potter film. Some realities are indeed far better than others.

I looked up the county records this morning in the town where I was born. A recent post by Dollyvee in her journal inspired me to try and find the records of my biological father. I'm unsure if he is still alive. It doesn't really matter, but I'm curious. I verified that there was no death under his name for the years that my kids were born. (Best not take any chances But beyond that I found very little. Did find where my great-uncle is buried, the one who died horribly in an accident making the first atomic bomb. If I ever go back to my birthplace I might try to visit his grave. Or not. It's all raindrops in the sea.

There are two terms, or concepts I've been thinking about lately. One is from Lisa Feldman Barrett (LFB) and the other is the term "non-duality" which has been popping up lately and I've decided to quickly classify it. My understanding of non-duality is the idea that everything is one, nothing is separate. I believe this concept. However, I've been curious how best to "get to that state". Since I operate in a dual-system universe, that is to say that everything has it's representative opposite, then I'm necessarily obliged to understand the contrast if I want to get anywhere in life... at least average everyday life. So I've decided that non-duality is actually like ones and zeros... one is one... zero is nothing. Both are necessary to construct a "reality". But since zero is nothing, one is all there "is", thus everything is non-dual. What I believe through all this, is that I need the two halves of my brain to function in this reality. But the "true" reality is that my two halves are actually two sides to one thing that is whole. Why on earth might this be? Why not make just one single thing? The answer I've invented for myself is that the sum of two things is actually "greater" than the simple addition of those two things... The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. To my thinking, this is why Emdr helps... when the one and the zero team up, they are capable of producing something that is new and different. And if anything can suggest a better modality to trauma healing than experiencing things in a "new and different" manner I'm sure I don't know what that could be...

Now the other thing I've been sifting through my head lately is "prediction error". (I have struggled with this because it keeps coming into my head as "error prediction" and that is not at all the same thing... (I'm pretty sure.)) So I'm going to break this down very quickly. I've used AI to help me on this, which isn't a justification that it's right, I just think that transparency is important here as to where I'm getting my "organization".

Prediction error can be positive, negative or zero. "Learning" occurs when there is positive or negative prediction error. For zero, nothing happens. Trauma is negative prediction error. And positive prediction error is enlightenment... eventually (and for lack of a better term). So described in these terms, prediction error also takes into the calculation the inherent assumption that certain behaviors are beneficial to the survival of a species, and other behaviors are destructive to the survival of a species. Trauma is the establishment of a series of behaviors that the brain (very accurately) attributes a negative survival paradigm. And the negative is extremely powerful, thus the neuronal patterning takes the parental behavior and attributes it correctly to a destructive and dangerous "prediction". As such, the emotional centers of the brain set off the warning bells whenever a situation even slightly resembling the core experiences occurs. Thus the brain stays trapped in a safety-loop which, for survival and safety's sake, doesn't change, regardless the "reality" which is in fact NOT dangerous.

So, put very simply, an EF (emotional flashback) is just another term for a prediction error.

How is this helpful? I mean, we all know that our EFs are just past childhood experiences and events resurfacing. Well, for me, putting my EFs into the terminology of "prediction error" does go a long way in helping me understand what is going on on a slightly deeper level. It helps me understand that my brain is "making a mistake" even in the instant of the horrible emotional overwhelm. The concept of prediction error, gives me just a little more distance between the feelings and the "sense of self" that does on occasion exist beyond this feeling. Prediction error is nothing more than a name for something that helps to more accurately understand what "it" actually is. I had the same experience when I discovered the acronym CPTSD. For me, Prediction Error is the element that allows me to define my EF in such a way that I have a little bit more elbow room to see and appreciate my inner children, the ones who suffered this process and the ones who are fated to repeat this suffering due to the neuronal necessity to "learn it or die".

So I understand better, much better, that the reality I currently live in, is constructed by me and my brain. And it's got it wrong to a very large degree. It has it wrong for a very good reason, but I'd like now to correct that error and open up those parts of my brain dedicated to a false threat to other possibilities and experiences.

I'm not entirely satisfied with how I expressed all that. But I want now to get "mes fesses" outside for a little walk. I'm going to go up to the library to look at beautiful women (they always seem to hang out at the library :-)

 

Welcome HannahOne, I find this Forum is a crazy-house of mirrors. Everywhere I roam here I find reflections of my own experience. It is troubling and comforting all at the same time. But the "alone-ness" has disappeared for me. It took awhile to get used to it, but it sure is nice now. I'm sorry to hear your history, but so very glad you are with us here.
Sending hugs if that's okay, chart
 

Thank you, Kizzie. It helps so much having Oots here and knowing this group is part of my community.
 

Beautifully expressed,  Gromit. Thank you, you have given me much food for thought in a situation very close to my own circumstances.

Hey Marcine, your story makes me think... mine was reciprocal love... "I'll do x for you but then you'll do y for me..." Every "service" had a price. 57 years later I finally identified much of the same functioning within myself and the relationships I'd established around me... the recognition was hard. This realization of a programing-pattern moved me rapidly to pure nausea. I woke up to a toxic tradition I carried with a scream. And I'm deeply proud to say I stopped doing it in the instant it was identified (or almost).

Marcine, I think we are all incredibly strong-willed. Just give us the freedom to "see" and we engage. Change is good, a darn nice habit to encourage.
 

Hey BB, I'm certain the wood fires we start here never go out. It is indeed a magical place. I'm gonna meditate awhile while my kids play with their new presents. The fire's really nice.

This is the breakthrough I made this Christmas. I vowed to myself to keep myself safe. I'm done serving others at the expense of myself. I've done enough. I will participate and learn to handle safe and mutual relationships that honor the boundaries and resources of both.

Absolutely DD, beautifully expressed.
Happy Holidays to yo too.