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I'm not sure I would dare, or rather it would take me an eternity to "see" the true behavior of my mother were it not for the gentle shifts of perspective that forum members give me. So many times I've read of the behavior of others' foo and felt anger and frustration and sadness for the pain inflicted on the person, only to realize that when similar circumstances fall upon my own head, I doubt, self-blame, hesitate, question and feel guilt. It's this contrast, brought to my awareness through the experiences of others that gives me more and more ammunition for saying "stop". "Witness the madness, Chris! This kind of behavior is unacceptable..." Seeing through the etes of others offers a mirror on my own experience. And I can so easily...
Zut, being called back to work... merde :-)

I think 'irony' sums it up best. When we witness someone's behavior rebound back in their own face and entirely due to their own actions... well it's perfectly normal to recognize the justice of the circumstances. The little chuckle is a dollop of whipped cream-awareness.

SO, the last line you wrote caused me to break into tears. I so understand and know and experienced something similar with my mother. My mother has just done me in again (last week) and it took me over a week to start again feeling a little more "normal"... which is still anxious and desire to stay in bed. I am sure I only move because other people (my innocent children) are dependent upon me. They are my golden portal, but that being said, I'd never manage to do what I'm doing without that force. On my own, I'd be as powerless.

All that doesn't help you. And I want to help you. So, I'm here reading your words. Understanding them as though I'd written them myself. I see and feel the value and power in you as only a super-hero empath (that we both are) can. It's not ego, it's truth. You are a phenomenal person, SO. You are also so very very sensitive. For whatever reason, Nature gave you "that" brain. It is our curse.

BUT!!! We will find the way to transform it. We will change. We are changing.

Note: this h*ll you're feeling WILL NOT LAST (as) LONG. It will pass and more rapidly than in the past. Don't stop. Meditate, exercise, cold shower... whatever your work/regime of healing is, don't stop. Keep up the healing routine. Grasp onto it and continue. Don't let the trauma win. You are far stronger than it. You are iron... it just doesn't "feel" that way. But the truth is something else.

I'm sending love and hugs and anything else you could want or need. I'm here. And I'm not going to leave you.

  

NK, I don't think you're being mean. I often have similar feelings. For me, this is my inner child (one of them) who reacts differently than adult-me. Since my foo "created" this inner child, I recognize that it's somewhat natural that I often feel and react as that child would. This is part of my traumatized self that has remained four-years-old. I'm especially reactive when it's my actual foo, or more recently it's the relationship where the dynamic was a mirror of that trauma dynamic.

Realizing where my negative feelings are coming from has allowed me to understand the (adult-me) guilt that comes with that happy feeling at someone else's failure. I can work it through and understand that the ic in me is activated... and for a very good reason. I can then have a discussion between ic and adult-me and work to find a healing compromise. Slowly, my anger and negative emotions towards these people lessens with the understanding that allows me to process what's actually at the root: how I myself was abused by this person and persons similar. Ultimately that's what's at the root of it all and I'm only doing myself good by healing all that... thus I can move on to living my life and not rejoicing in watching other people f-up... (but there is a certain gratification that goes a long way in validating me I can't deny it. But again, ultimately, I want to validate myself, by myself, in a healthy and positive manner. (And though I recognize all that, I don't always react immediately as I "should". :-)
I believe we grow up our whole lives.
Kisses and hugs!
 

I've also recognized that I have a small part of me that feels unsure and doubtful about using my recovery journal on here in this way. Like I'm doing something that I'm "not supposed to" and that I'm somehow going to get in trouble for exposing my parents and relatives or for sharing too much or something like that. I've been holding back and "keeping the peace" for my entire life though. The constant invalidation and gaslighting made me believe that I can't trust my own feelings or experiences. I think it's probably just a result of being silenced for so long and now I'm worried that I'm doing something wrong. I know most of the members use their recovery journals in a different way from this, but I don't think anything I put here will go against the guidelines? I'm probably just overthinking all of this like I do with everything else .-.

Strawberrycat, Your doing nothing wrong. This is your journal, your space. There are some practical rules (trigger warnings, swear words, respectful language towards others...) but otherwise you say what you're thinking and feeling and want to say. It's about sharing your unique experience. No two people on this forum are the same. We've all experienced things in different ways and come here with a perspective that is our own. Often (and I'm speaking for myself) the things I've experienced in my life affected me in a particular way that I thought was the true reality of the situation. But through the reflections of others and reading others' experiences I realized my own perceptions were influenced by ideas forced upon me by my family members. The process of realizing has been for me an enormous catalyst for change. I honestly feel I've evolved more into my true self (or the person I dream of actually being) more in the past three years than the entire rest of my life (I'm 56). I give enormous credit to the Forum and the incredible members here for this. The connectings and support have been nothing less than life changing. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am here to understand your experience because it enriches my own. When you share your life and what you've been through, it helps me immensely. But of course you share yourself in your own unique way, you share yourself how it's beneficial to you. And sometimes it's hard, very hard. But we've decided to start facing the truth. And the truth is not often easy.

I'm mixing up you/I/we a little too much perhaps. :-) I have to be careful with generalizations. Anyway, all that is my perspective. It saddens me that you think you're somehow "doing it wrong". I'd like to respectfully suggest that is a conditioning from your past.

It is exactly in circumstances like here on your space/journal that you can recognize this and begin the (often) slow but sure work of changing those ideas into something healthier and more validating for you.

I think your writing lovely. Thank you so much for sharing.

Hugs, chart
 

I have developed a response that I'm losing control of. When someone says anything like that to me, I automatically start laughing out loud. I worry that one day I'll get beat up for it, but I can't seem to stop it. It's a kneejerk reaction. But if anyone behaves like a bully around me, I suddenly think it's hysterical and I laugh before I can stop myself.

Incredible. I VERY often have the same reaction in similar situations. I also have that same laugh when faced with blatant hypocrisy in other people. The guy I'm currently working for/with does this often. He criticizes others, then behaves in exactly the same manner. He's completely oblivious and I've taken to laughing and making a two-sided comment/joke when he does this.
Perhaps that's a little immature on my part too. I think eventually I want to take more and more a distant position in situations where I realize the person is actually unhealthy or toxic. It's all about being conscious and "tweaking" myself towards health.

  
Absolutely. Like a tripod, I believe I'm still standing because of the people I've connected with through this forum. It's only one leg, but otherwise I'd be flat on my face.

Hello San, hoo-boy where can I begin... so many things in your post ring for me too... Like "am I too sensitive"? Moley jehosephat, I say that in my head all the time. I wonder I wonder I wonder... I speculate, I analyze, I reflect... if only I wasn't so darn "sensitive"...
True and not true... maybe. But for me the thing is not to not be sensitive, but rather not be controlled in my reaction... AND (of course) not beating myself up all the time "because" I'm so sensitive.
Ouf (as the French say)

So lately, what's been formulating in my brain is, Yes, be sensitive, but re-wire the impact of my sensitivity.

Not easy, but I'm getting some ideas and trying out some new thought experiments. Just an example... I watched something that encouraged attaching the "desired-thought" (not what I'm actually experiencing) to the fact that I am Conscious. Hard to describe... Like the fake it technique, but I force the thought and bring with it that all this/that is solid Consciousness.

Did that make any sense?

I'm going to continue and the try and explain it better.

Regarding your past life in Mexico... Have you read Thomas Wolf, You Can't Go Home Again?

Imo, you have not returned to your birthplace. It's no longer that. But probably you know that already. I can't imagine, for the life of me ever going back to my ancient haunts anywhere in the US. Even visits to Paris now are too heavy, too much past, too much feeling of sadness for the naive boy I used to be. Just too weird. It's culture shock with each little walk. Maybe I'm in denial. But it seems more and more the past is not interesting for me.

But I'm rambling... sorry :-)

I'm on the highway, returning from a short week of work. Some time of reflection.

Thinking about you, glad you're feeling a little better.

    

I'll address this to Starr as it seems they are the primary author of this post.

Thank you, Starr, for explaining this in such a clear and concise manner. I get easily confused when there're multiple people but you kept things relatively clear for me.

I had many thoughts while reading but an idea struck me relatively instinctively: Could Asdis's behavior be a "clumsy" manner of getting attention or love? Perhaps she hasn't understood how to effectively connect with everyone else and so she's acting out to perhaps get attention.
I could be completely off-base so please disregard my ideas if they really don't apply.
Sending support and like NarcKiddo, hoping things smooth out amongst everybody soon.
 

Welcome Storm Glass, take your time, write what feels natural, or just read the other stories. I've found immense solace in recognizing in others' journals profound similarities with my own experience. Having spent so many decades confused and fundamentally lost, the realization that I'm not at all alone was immensely cathartic.
Do what feels best for you.
Sending support, Chart
 

I'm here strawberrycat. Take your time. Do what feels right and natural. I've found its a growing process for me. Looking back and remembering and rereading my journal I can really see how I've changed. And the support and advice the whole time from others is inestimable in value. It's never easy, but for me at least it has saved my sanity, if not my life.
 

I'm right there with ya Bach.
 

 

Paranoia always makes me think of the observation of Frank Lepage (a French writer and political activist). He points out that there are two "errors" when we talk about paranoid stuff (like conspiracy theories, etc). One of the errors is to be paranoid about everything. The second error is to think that this feeling can't possibly have a basis in truth.
:-)

I'm a little late, but welcome to the Forum, She!