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A little late but heartfelt too! 

Hey San, how much research have you done on "gut health" and the micro-biome? I ask cause I wonder if your energy struggles might not be related to an unbalanced intestinal condition. I've been kinda haphazardly exploring this "area" since my hernia appeared three years ago. Lately I've come across all sorts of stuff that I've started taking as kindof "rapid" experiments... milk thistle, vitamin c, artichoke leaf, raw garlic, etc etc. I haven't found any clear-cut magical solutions, but the awareness of doing this stuff in combination with near-zero carbs and near-zero sugar has definitely convinced me that my belly and what I'm throwing down there has a Huge impact on my energy and depression, amongst other things. Another thing I've realized is just how hard it is for me to resist "comfort foods" and so I know I'm constantly backsliding. It's just too tough. But I keep trying to reorient, coming back on track after slipping a bit. Slowly, very slowly I'm building better habits and resisting the negative impulses. I say all this just as an observation to your lack of energy. Might it be related? Or similar in your current struggle with energy?
No implications or pressure, just curious and tossing out some thoughts and ideas. I would so love to hear you're feeling more energy and doing more easily the stuff you want to do. But I'm guessing you already have a lot of knowledge and experience with this subject too. Just throwing it out there for what it's worth.
  

New T... yeah I hear ya, San. I "switched" at the... gosh I'm not at all clear when exactly... This past winter? My new T knows emdr, but otherwise classic French official health worker. Master's degree in psychology... Never heard of Cptsd... I'm of the opinion she's getting as much out of our sessions as I am, though that might be slightly egotistical on my part. :| It is really frustrating having to explain all the work I'm doing on my own. And she's absolutely not Carl Rogers. Informal address (using 'tu' as apposed to the formal 'vous') is as about as "intimate" as she's willing to get. But I'm really working on "not caring". I say pretty much whatever I want and stay conscious of my absence of concern what she thinks. I don't expect much understanding (outside the Forum). And it feels good not caring what this person thinks. In any case she's here for me and not vice-versa. Just that realization has helped me immensely. All part of the package.
 

I'm screwed blued and tattooed out the gate.

You gave me a good Sunday morning laugh on that one SH! Thanks!!!

On a positive note however, at least we see it. I'm intrigued and curious still. Taking things apart is as interesting as building something up. I'm appreciating Jung a lot at the moment. All that crapola DOES define me as to what evolution I made. Such are my investigations at the moment.

(And just out of curiosity, the pulley for your timing belt that you were struggling to get off, was it a reverse threaded bolt? What was the "trick" finally? :-)

 

09-04-2025

There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

   
Totally with you on that one!

however, your intelligence, determination, and willingness to look both inside and outside yourself is intact.  you are writing here trying to figure out how to move forward from all that happened to you.  that's no mean feat, certainly not easy.  still, you persist, and for that you deserve all kinds of credit.

For me the "measure of success" is not where I'm at, but how far I've come. I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish, but I also realize it may never happen. And it's exactly there that I have compassion, understanding and forgiveness for myself. A kid who inherits their parents wealth travels far less along the road of development. Those with Cptsd can in contrast cover millions of miles more in realizations and awareness. Though the world will likely never know our names, we have nonetheless already succeeded in the love and touch of comprehension for what it truly means to exist and share and comprehend.

As such we are gold-medal champions.

I think you are spectacular, Bach. Keep going. Love what you are, and enjoy as much as you can. For the rest, breath and forgive. All will change, transform and grow. There is no end, only eternal beginnings but often on terrible paths. Which we progress upon against all odds.
 

08-24-25

Noticed that I have also been having the same reaction to video entertainment.  When I fire up a movie, I want to be entertained not preached at.  I want a good story, characters that I can actually relate to in some way, characters that go through a arc, and to be honest the current situation is such that I'm burned out on even trying to watch anything. 

Omg... is it me or are 9 out of ten scenarios the "bad guy" acting pompous or worse, non-pc and the "good guy" beats them up... or shoots them...
Hollywood is clearly struggling to manufacture original variants of this over-used, repeated, ridiculous and unrealistic theme. Though LA writers are still somehow managing to crank out more of this same garbage on a permanent basis. Is this what sells? Who are theses "masses" buying all this?

Sorry I'm ranting... but really... is it not resoundingly evident just how messed up 98% of all this "entertainment" is?

SH, you struck a chord in me there... :-)

 

As it is, I often find myself hiding or downplaying my past and struggles from others, fearing it will be perceived as whiny/etc or exploited.

Part of my healing process involves re-examining this theme. Since so much of my young infant experience was focused on survival and the needs of my mother, I did exactly what you've described: downplayed my suffering through fear of losing the support of my caregivers. Changing that pattern had been a major work for me. But more and more I come to accept my value and worth and here on the forum I get that support. (And hopefully return it too :-)

 

 
Hey Slash, check out Lisa Feldman Barrett, neuroscience researcher proposing fundamentally different mechanical functioning of our brains and emotions from classical models. Might just be right up your alley at the moment.

I too am struggling with finding the facts about my early childhood. So much is just fog and feelings of unworthiness. I'm doing body awareness work and over the past two years have started unlocking memories from before my explicit memory capacity came online (3-4 yrs old). Two weeks ago I had the desire to crawl under my living room table from severe sadness and depression. I finally did it and realized as it happened that I'd done the same as a child to protect myself from my parents violent fights.

Clear memories are slow in coming, but they're there.

Sending support
 

Hello lowbudgetTV, Reading your journal was serendipitous for me too. I'm pondering the recent atrocities of my mother and thinking that there really is no hope with her. She does not see herself, she does not know herself. She is torn-out pages of a human. The face comes from one place and the heart from another. She has disguised herself so well no one recognizes her either. I am perhaps the only person who sees her completely for what she is. And I struggle horribly still to reconcile that person with the one I so desperately needed as a child.

Some deaths occur long long before the internement. I've just been in too much denial to see it.

Sending support and welcome to the forum.
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