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Thank you HannahOne, Marcine, Armee...

I'm in awe of your ability to cry and feel, Chart! 

I have always felt... Only recently have I begun to cry. But I find the word "cry" inappropriate. I don't believe that's what I'm actually doing. For all appearances it's crying, but I'm slowly slipping towards an understanding that the tears are not only water, they are truth-understanding coming and settling into their rightful place. I am a (mostly) Pre-verbal Trauma survivor. There are no personal memories. I have stories and the amazingly off-cuff memories of my mother... I also have an older sister (who probably went a long way to dramatically minimizing my trauma, but she couldn't be the parent I actually needed, and she was as terrorized by him as I was). No, tears are the lenses through which I see more and more clearly what actually happened.

And so I let them roll now. I've searched my entire life for these memories. I've begged god for them as only an unbeliever can beg a usesless god of whom he's never bought into. I revel in the stories that now float into my left brain... and boy are they coming. Not in mass, but more the subtle waftings of piano heard through an open window. But my ear is trained and I listen and pick up on it straight. I remember what was said, and more importantly, what was not said. I remember his tone of voice, and now understand why certain men have terrified me all my life, why I've never liked the actor Jack Nicholson, why ignorance coupled with insensitivity brings forth often severe anger.

But I need to say something else. The understanding I have found in the past two years has cost me a great deal. I am EXTREMELY low energy. I have a hernia now. I can no longer tolerate many many foods. Sugar plunges me into depression. My body hurts. I no longer have full strength in either of my arms and am currently in a bad way because I threw tiles up on a roof for two days. My wrists are currently out of service.

Realizing the extent of my trauma has been incredibly debilitating. I'm managing to work, but it is just the minimum possible. And I do very little else besides work, take care of my kids, and do my nervous system exercises, emdr and write on the Forum. (Is that in order of priority? maybe...)

And now I'm pooped :-) And one more thing... Every single time I write on the Forum, I feel a little voice in me that tells me I'm wrong, bad, egotistical and selfish. It's incredible. It's there every time. I overcome it, but it's still there.

Healing is the path, not the goal...

I deeply truly madly love you all.

 

I'm with you on the horrible memory Chart, and it being a handicap in professional and financial life

Dalloway, I so wish I could take your inner child in my arms and hug her... she deserves all the love and support and attention and caring... that she never got. It truly breaks my heart. My biological father made one single attempt at contact and that was to try and end my existence. There is no comprehension of this kind of behavior, of our parents and caregivers who did nothing parental nor giving of care... And so we have to hold ourselves, we have to hug ourselves, we have to care for ourselves. I refuse to let my father win. I have promised my inner child that he will have love and care and attention... from me. I see him for what he is. I see him for what he suffered. I know the injustice that nearly crushed out his life. And I've stated clearly and explicitly that all that was wrong. I tell him over and over and over. I hug him over and over and over. I think about him, talk to him, love him. "We" are working together now. It took us a long time, he was scared, he was hurt, he was jealous and confused... But slowly, ever so slowly, he has raised his little head and looked at me, and I felt his trust growing. It was not desperation, it was love through understanding. I understand what my child-self experienced. And now, he understands what I have to tell him. He's getting better. He still doesn't laugh. But he suffers less. He cries more, but now it is tears of release as opposed to anguish. We are holding each other. Nothing in the world could move me to let go of his being, his essence, that which is the best part of me. I love me, and will never stop. Our inner children deserve so much. I'm still learning, but the start is now behind me and I'll never stop. Love will have no end.
 

By the way, I've read about Rufus May's views on psychosis, and they seem very explanatory and assertive. It seems very natural that the content of psychotic episodes is deeply connected to the trauma. Unfortunately, he has experienced it himself.

This made me think of a supposed quote by John Briere:
"If Complex PTSD were ever given its due, the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) would shrink from its dictionary like size to the size of a thin pamphlet."

 

I listened to tye replay last night. Kinda unenthusiastic at the beginning, but I did get two ideas out of the whole thing that I find very valuable.

One is the definition of Trauma. I'm gonna explore that a bit.

The second were the core needs of children: Love, Safety and Boundaries. It was very good for me to hear this explicitly.

Anyway, thanks again BB!

Thanks HannaOne!

Yeah, the process of Emdr is definitely unlocking things. I cry. I cry harder while doing emdr than other times, but not always. I nearly always cry when I do my PMR in the mornings. I have to pause the audio and cry for a bit. All sorts of interesting thoughts invade at that moment, but I try to let them slip past and stay on my body. My little baby ic comes up at those moments, really strong. I don't see him, but he is there. I "feel" him. He seems sooooooo far away. Like another planet, another life. But he's there. I could begin crying now, just thinking about him.

So mourning... mourning, mourning, mourning. The crying "solidifies" something. The Emdr breaks the bonds, or makes the link in the affect right-brain, then the tears come. It hurt like all get-out. I tried to run, but I had no motor functions in my legs... and the bars of my bed were too high...

Tonight I am writing on the Forum BEFORE going to bed. I am not going to allow myself to dissociate, like I did last night. I felt good last night, but then allowed myself to dissociate with YouTube (and other stuff). It was... not the best. Tonight I came on the Forum to bounce around, write, implicate myself, participate, and now I want to express... for me... to me... I need some strength. I need some help... not from others necessarily, I need to start giving myself a hand, somehow stepping in with the part of me that can handle a little bit more. That part of me needs some more energy to step up. I'm wanting so desperately love, as always, as usual. I dream of a loving relationship and intimacy and simplicity and safety... but all of it a dream. Ok, why not, but a soul cannot subsist on illusions of the past and projections of the future. I need a glass of water, the present moment, a deep breath, and clarity.

This looks great, thanks BB! Although I think I'm gonna be tied up at work this week...

I just wanted to comment that I've been going back rereading old stuff I've written on the Forum. Too much of it I have absolutely no memory whatsoever having written that... It's quite unsettling.

I printed the chart about different types of memory and will look at it repeatedly for the next six months. This is the ONLY way that I manage to retain information. It took me two years of constant repetition to remember: cognitive vs emotional empathy... and only just today was I able to recall Judith Herman's name (and I only did it by using the mnemonic method of linking it to a SHerman tank... of which there is absolutely no connection apart from the Herman...)

Having a horrible memory has been the single biggest handicap to my professional and financial situation my entire life.

I want to "heal" much of my trauma for the affect regulation that could bring... but I ALSO desperately want my hippocampus to get more online and assist me in pretty much any/all projects I attempt as I go through this life. Alone I'm better, but in a group don't ask me 9x7... couldn't tell ya to save my life...

Hey Teddy Bear, I was in a relationship with a woman about eight years ago who suffered from auditory hallucinations. I knew a enough about her childhood to understand that her pathology was certainly related to her childhood. But at the time I didn't know about Cptsd, nor the impact of developmental trauma, even for myself. Looking back, the relationship was very functional on many levels because we both needed the same levels of security, mainly through avoidance, and we functioned very well together. But the problems slowly became apparent as she became unbalanced with the things she was experiencing, and I had zero comprehension about what she was experiencing. At first I tried gently trying to "show" that her experiences weren't actually manifesting in reality. But she refused this and just kept repeating that she knew that she wasn't crazy, therefore it had to be me and others around her who were in a  kind of conspiracy against her. Eventually I couldn't handle the situation anymore and broke with her. We're still in distant contact, but I know that I will have an uphill struggle communicating with her regarding what I've learned in the past few years

I'm not sure what exactly I want to respond to you, Teddy Bear. I haven't experienced the symptoms of which you refer. I can imagine however, a little, how difficult it must be. But I also think that you seem far and above aware of your condition and situation, and that that in itself is a VERY positive sign. It's incredibly hard what you are facing, but you are facing it.

I, like a lot of people, feel that I am doing the main part of my healing and therapeutic work on my own. I have a therapist (emdr trained), but, not to be rude, she is completely ignorant of Cptsd and hasn't a real clue of the true impact of developmental trauma and it's aftermath. I recently joked that I could replace this current therapist with a metronome with two fingers added to the point (like the classic Emdr movement done by Emdr therapists). I hope that doesn't sound egotistical, but honestly, it's true. Though I do believe there are good/better therapists out there, I just know from direct and second-hand experience that they are rare.

So in many ways, I'm a lone cowboy out in the Trauma hills, exploring the cliffs and valleys of my pathologies. The single greatest help and influence are the experiences I read here on the forum, and the knowledge of what has been shared in terms of techniques and ideas. After I learn about something, I slowly begin exploring that thing on my own. I have also used direct contact with Forum members via the Zoom group I am in to further share and discuss. I go slow, I am not nearly as energetic as I would like, but I forgive my frequent "laziness". Being so far down in a hole for so long in my life, I know that pulling myself up and out is going to take a long long time, years in not decades. And I don't believe I will ever entirely "break free" of the pain that floods my nervous system on a frequent basis. I just want to move more and more towards a state of equilibrium. Already, that would be/and is, great. I have made solid progress in the past two years.

Sorry for the long response not saying much, especially about psychosis. I want to encourage, but stay realistic and true to what I've experienced.

Sending support and hugs (if that's okay)
 

Wow, what a backstory Highimpedance. I'm so sorry for your struggles, but very glad you found this forum and hope you can find some stability in your real life and connection here on the Forum.
Sending hugs and support if that's okay for you,
Chart
 

Here it is:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15819.0

I'm gonna try and reread it out of curiosity... but my daughter's making a cake right this instant... :-)

Hey HannahOne, your description of evenings in bed make me think of my mornings. There's a thread on the forum, Mornings and Fear, will try to find it. A constant trigger for me is the waking moments of the day. I know now it has to do with being horizontal and the bulk of the trauma I experienced as a baby. This connection has been "in my face" my entire life, but when I finally put everything together with Cptsd, I suddenly had the understanding that has changed all sorts of things around my morning fears. Funny, what you described sounds so similar to my morning experience. I'll try to find that thread and post it below. Thankyou for sharing all that, it does really help.
 

Hi EB, perhaps you could suggest to your partner to have a look at this forum. It is open to everyone to read. To post your need to register, but just reading through some of the recovery journals might give your partner a deeper insight into what Cptsd is and how different people are currently coping with it.
This is an interesting thread that seems applicable:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13689.0
All the best, chart

Hi Teddy bear, I don't have an official diagnosis of Cptsd either. I think very few people around the globe have that, due to lack of awareness mostly. I'm sorry to hear about your trauma experiences. I find this Forum very supportive and I think you will find acceptance and understanding, along with a lot of information and experience.
Welcome to the Forum
Chart