Thank you everyone!! I am to a certain extent "giving up" responding to posts on my journal. I ask your understanding, as I am simply feeling overwhelmed after a life of trying to control and organize and categorize and hurt NO ONE even those who either through their behavior merit the turning of my back or the soles of my feet as I walk away... I am wheeling in circles, catching glimpses of "real-life" in between the flashes of pain that still blind me ten to twenty times per day. I believe I am losing my sense of "old-self" and what is coming in its place is strange and disorienting. Transformation is a painful process too. It is not only the suffering of the past that lingers in my cells, but the fear of the new me that strides directly at me in a crowded street, our eyes lock and I get that thrill of novelty that I have so craved, sought and created my whole life. It is insanity to change, yet I cannot keep it from coursing into and through me. I have lost myself, in order that I might be found.
My new friends, both in my head, here on the forum, and hidden behind the woodwork, are whispering to me. They suggest I speak of the present moment. And I think this is wonderful advice. Funny how I carry the past into the present. But I can choose what I keep now, more and more. I flip from one idea to the next with quick decision... the old patterns dropping to the ground as quickly as my ancient neural networks fire them off. I want some things from the past, but most I wish to release. There're new things coming into those old dead places. New growth coming from the compost of the past. I've been contacted these past weeks by multiple people from my past. A well-known jazz pianist I met on the tennis courts in New York was billed in the performance center just a few clicks up the street from where I now live. I stopped in my tracks as I passed and stared at the old familiar face and felt it was a sign from the Universe... A week later I sat in the audience listening and as I often do now, cried, remembering the man I used to be, that city I cruised on my bike from one end to the other... what another lifetime, what another person. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm suspicious. I feel something is coming, but I've no idea what it might be... could it be life itself? Can life get bigger? Better? Wider? Denser? Can life really change for the worst? I sense it differently now... "There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so..." -Bill
Received a text from an old friend last night... while talking to a new friend... it was almost too much. This old friend I've missed, so news from him was quite special. And he is greatly similar to my new friend with whom I was actively speaking... crazy serendipity. It's all getting to be too much. In the sense that I can't untangle it all. A week with my kids too, which was easy and simple and fun. Dare I say it comes from a new-found inner place of peace and balance? I don't know. I can't work it out rationally... The situation is too simple for my maddeningly complex organizational system created during five decades of confusion. Only at one point was I dogmatic. I "forced" my kids to take a walk around town on Christmas day. They'd agreed the day before when I'd proposed it, then when the afternoon actually came they both tried to weasel out of it. I held fast... then dragged them to the last place on earth they wanted to go... the Cathedral! I've raised two little die-hard atheists and they moaned with dismay as I led the way into the edifice. "It doesn't have to be a prison of reductionist ignorance..." I tried to explain, a big smile on my face... "It's a space-ship that can transport you to higher planes of conscious thought..." Perhaps there is a loving god after-all, as they settled down into a vociferous acquiescence of divergent questions and comments. We walked fast up and down the nave and transepts. Finally they got annoyed at my pace and sat down in the seats, talking between themselves. I made a tour, came back with my phone out and snapped off a bunch of pictures of the two in conversation. I am so god-awfully proud of these two... no idea how these things work out, but they are content in their present existence (imo) and seek fun as only complex organisms on a carbon-based life-infested planet can do. I suggested that more advanced species than ours would one day ponder our objective in constructing such structures. The whales will almost certainly rub their heads in wonder... "but isn't it obvious they all self-imploded and went extinct?" We came home and further expanded our consciousnesses with a Harry Potter film. Some realities are indeed far better than others.
I looked up the county records this morning in the town where I was born. A recent post by Dollyvee in her journal inspired me to try and find the records of my biological father. I'm unsure if he is still alive. It doesn't really matter, but I'm curious. I verified that there was no death under his name for the years that my kids were born. (Best not take any chances
But beyond that I found very little. Did find where my great-uncle is buried, the one who died horribly in an accident making the first atomic bomb. If I ever go back to my birthplace I might try to visit his grave. Or not. It's all raindrops in the sea.
There are two terms, or concepts I've been thinking about lately. One is from Lisa Feldman Barrett (LFB) and the other is the term "non-duality" which has been popping up lately and I've decided to quickly classify it. My understanding of non-duality is the idea that everything is one, nothing is separate. I believe this concept. However, I've been curious how best to "get to that state". Since I operate in a dual-system universe, that is to say that everything has it's representative opposite, then I'm necessarily obliged to understand the contrast if I want to get anywhere in life... at least average everyday life. So I've decided that non-duality is actually like ones and zeros... one is one... zero is nothing. Both are necessary to construct a "reality". But since zero is nothing, one is all there "is", thus everything is non-dual. What I believe through all this, is that I need the two halves of my brain to function in this reality. But the "true" reality is that my two halves are actually two sides to one thing that is whole. Why on earth might this be? Why not make just one single thing? The answer I've invented for myself is that the sum of two things is actually "greater" than the simple addition of those two things... The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. To my thinking, this is why Emdr helps... when the one and the zero team up, they are capable of producing something that is new and different. And if anything can suggest a better modality to trauma healing than experiencing things in a "new and different" manner I'm sure I don't know what that could be...
Now the other thing I've been sifting through my head lately is "prediction error". (I have struggled with this because it keeps coming into my head as "error prediction" and that is not at all the same thing... (I'm pretty sure.)) So I'm going to break this down very quickly. I've used AI to help me on this, which isn't a justification that it's right, I just think that transparency is important here as to where I'm getting my "organization".
Prediction error can be positive, negative or zero. "Learning" occurs when there is positive or negative prediction error. For zero, nothing happens. Trauma is negative prediction error. And positive prediction error is enlightenment... eventually (and for lack of a better term). So described in these terms, prediction error also takes into the calculation the inherent assumption that certain behaviors are beneficial to the survival of a species, and other behaviors are destructive to the survival of a species. Trauma is the establishment of a series of behaviors that the brain (very accurately) attributes a negative survival paradigm. And the negative is extremely powerful, thus the neuronal patterning takes the parental behavior and attributes it correctly to a destructive and dangerous "prediction". As such, the emotional centers of the brain set off the warning bells whenever a situation even slightly resembling the core experiences occurs. Thus the brain stays trapped in a safety-loop which, for survival and safety's sake, doesn't change, regardless the "reality" which is in fact NOT dangerous.
So, put very simply, an EF (emotional flashback) is just another term for a prediction error.
How is this helpful? I mean, we all know that our EFs are just past childhood experiences and events resurfacing. Well, for me, putting my EFs into the terminology of "prediction error" does go a long way in helping me understand what is going on on a slightly deeper level. It helps me understand that my brain is "making a mistake" even in the instant of the horrible emotional overwhelm. The concept of prediction error, gives me just a little more distance between the feelings and the "sense of self" that does on occasion exist beyond this feeling. Prediction error is nothing more than a name for something that helps to more accurately understand what "it" actually is. I had the same experience when I discovered the acronym CPTSD. For me, Prediction Error is the element that allows me to define my EF in such a way that I have a little bit more elbow room to see and appreciate my inner children, the ones who suffered this process and the ones who are fated to repeat this suffering due to the neuronal necessity to "learn it or die".
So I understand better, much better, that the reality I currently live in, is constructed by me and my brain. And it's got it wrong to a very large degree. It has it wrong for a very good reason, but I'd like now to correct that error and open up those parts of my brain dedicated to a false threat to other possibilities and experiences.
I'm not entirely satisfied with how I expressed all that. But I want now to get "mes fesses" outside for a little walk. I'm going to go up to the library to look at beautiful women (they always seem to hang out at the library :-)
My new friends, both in my head, here on the forum, and hidden behind the woodwork, are whispering to me. They suggest I speak of the present moment. And I think this is wonderful advice. Funny how I carry the past into the present. But I can choose what I keep now, more and more. I flip from one idea to the next with quick decision... the old patterns dropping to the ground as quickly as my ancient neural networks fire them off. I want some things from the past, but most I wish to release. There're new things coming into those old dead places. New growth coming from the compost of the past. I've been contacted these past weeks by multiple people from my past. A well-known jazz pianist I met on the tennis courts in New York was billed in the performance center just a few clicks up the street from where I now live. I stopped in my tracks as I passed and stared at the old familiar face and felt it was a sign from the Universe... A week later I sat in the audience listening and as I often do now, cried, remembering the man I used to be, that city I cruised on my bike from one end to the other... what another lifetime, what another person. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm suspicious. I feel something is coming, but I've no idea what it might be... could it be life itself? Can life get bigger? Better? Wider? Denser? Can life really change for the worst? I sense it differently now... "There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so..." -Bill
Received a text from an old friend last night... while talking to a new friend... it was almost too much. This old friend I've missed, so news from him was quite special. And he is greatly similar to my new friend with whom I was actively speaking... crazy serendipity. It's all getting to be too much. In the sense that I can't untangle it all. A week with my kids too, which was easy and simple and fun. Dare I say it comes from a new-found inner place of peace and balance? I don't know. I can't work it out rationally... The situation is too simple for my maddeningly complex organizational system created during five decades of confusion. Only at one point was I dogmatic. I "forced" my kids to take a walk around town on Christmas day. They'd agreed the day before when I'd proposed it, then when the afternoon actually came they both tried to weasel out of it. I held fast... then dragged them to the last place on earth they wanted to go... the Cathedral! I've raised two little die-hard atheists and they moaned with dismay as I led the way into the edifice. "It doesn't have to be a prison of reductionist ignorance..." I tried to explain, a big smile on my face... "It's a space-ship that can transport you to higher planes of conscious thought..." Perhaps there is a loving god after-all, as they settled down into a vociferous acquiescence of divergent questions and comments. We walked fast up and down the nave and transepts. Finally they got annoyed at my pace and sat down in the seats, talking between themselves. I made a tour, came back with my phone out and snapped off a bunch of pictures of the two in conversation. I am so god-awfully proud of these two... no idea how these things work out, but they are content in their present existence (imo) and seek fun as only complex organisms on a carbon-based life-infested planet can do. I suggested that more advanced species than ours would one day ponder our objective in constructing such structures. The whales will almost certainly rub their heads in wonder... "but isn't it obvious they all self-imploded and went extinct?" We came home and further expanded our consciousnesses with a Harry Potter film. Some realities are indeed far better than others.
I looked up the county records this morning in the town where I was born. A recent post by Dollyvee in her journal inspired me to try and find the records of my biological father. I'm unsure if he is still alive. It doesn't really matter, but I'm curious. I verified that there was no death under his name for the years that my kids were born. (Best not take any chances
But beyond that I found very little. Did find where my great-uncle is buried, the one who died horribly in an accident making the first atomic bomb. If I ever go back to my birthplace I might try to visit his grave. Or not. It's all raindrops in the sea.There are two terms, or concepts I've been thinking about lately. One is from Lisa Feldman Barrett (LFB) and the other is the term "non-duality" which has been popping up lately and I've decided to quickly classify it. My understanding of non-duality is the idea that everything is one, nothing is separate. I believe this concept. However, I've been curious how best to "get to that state". Since I operate in a dual-system universe, that is to say that everything has it's representative opposite, then I'm necessarily obliged to understand the contrast if I want to get anywhere in life... at least average everyday life. So I've decided that non-duality is actually like ones and zeros... one is one... zero is nothing. Both are necessary to construct a "reality". But since zero is nothing, one is all there "is", thus everything is non-dual. What I believe through all this, is that I need the two halves of my brain to function in this reality. But the "true" reality is that my two halves are actually two sides to one thing that is whole. Why on earth might this be? Why not make just one single thing? The answer I've invented for myself is that the sum of two things is actually "greater" than the simple addition of those two things... The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. To my thinking, this is why Emdr helps... when the one and the zero team up, they are capable of producing something that is new and different. And if anything can suggest a better modality to trauma healing than experiencing things in a "new and different" manner I'm sure I don't know what that could be...
Now the other thing I've been sifting through my head lately is "prediction error". (I have struggled with this because it keeps coming into my head as "error prediction" and that is not at all the same thing... (I'm pretty sure.)) So I'm going to break this down very quickly. I've used AI to help me on this, which isn't a justification that it's right, I just think that transparency is important here as to where I'm getting my "organization".
Prediction error can be positive, negative or zero. "Learning" occurs when there is positive or negative prediction error. For zero, nothing happens. Trauma is negative prediction error. And positive prediction error is enlightenment... eventually (and for lack of a better term). So described in these terms, prediction error also takes into the calculation the inherent assumption that certain behaviors are beneficial to the survival of a species, and other behaviors are destructive to the survival of a species. Trauma is the establishment of a series of behaviors that the brain (very accurately) attributes a negative survival paradigm. And the negative is extremely powerful, thus the neuronal patterning takes the parental behavior and attributes it correctly to a destructive and dangerous "prediction". As such, the emotional centers of the brain set off the warning bells whenever a situation even slightly resembling the core experiences occurs. Thus the brain stays trapped in a safety-loop which, for survival and safety's sake, doesn't change, regardless the "reality" which is in fact NOT dangerous.
So, put very simply, an EF (emotional flashback) is just another term for a prediction error.
How is this helpful? I mean, we all know that our EFs are just past childhood experiences and events resurfacing. Well, for me, putting my EFs into the terminology of "prediction error" does go a long way in helping me understand what is going on on a slightly deeper level. It helps me understand that my brain is "making a mistake" even in the instant of the horrible emotional overwhelm. The concept of prediction error, gives me just a little more distance between the feelings and the "sense of self" that does on occasion exist beyond this feeling. Prediction error is nothing more than a name for something that helps to more accurately understand what "it" actually is. I had the same experience when I discovered the acronym CPTSD. For me, Prediction Error is the element that allows me to define my EF in such a way that I have a little bit more elbow room to see and appreciate my inner children, the ones who suffered this process and the ones who are fated to repeat this suffering due to the neuronal necessity to "learn it or die".
So I understand better, much better, that the reality I currently live in, is constructed by me and my brain. And it's got it wrong to a very large degree. It has it wrong for a very good reason, but I'd like now to correct that error and open up those parts of my brain dedicated to a false threat to other possibilities and experiences.
I'm not entirely satisfied with how I expressed all that. But I want now to get "mes fesses" outside for a little walk. I'm going to go up to the library to look at beautiful women (they always seem to hang out at the library :-)
