Messages

Bravo SO, it's not always smooth, but sometimes some things work. It's an inexact science. Still plenty of suffering, but you're putting up a fight. Pensively resisting. AND going someplace. For better or for worse, you're doing something. Cptsd isn't taking you down, at least not without a fight.
 

I've staggered in after months of heavy work and affronting storms. The tempest of October has settled into a constant drizzle. I'm loading up the fireplace and bringing in a stock of wood to feed a roaring fire throughout the chilly wet morning. Later, if the sun comes out I'm gonna walk down the path to the lake. On my way back I'll take a tour of the garden.
Breathing is suspiciously magical of a sudden. I'm so glad to be here.

San, when I had my breakdown in '23, two friends (a couple) offered me work and have been employing me ever since. I work for them when I don't have other work, so they fill the gaps so to speak. They are humanists, highly sensitive, caring, intelligent, everything. Good loyal friends, and I'm not exaggerating when I say they've saved my butt these last two years. You're galpal sounds very similar. How wonderful to know there're good people out there (and who aren't on this Forum nor suffer from Cptsd :-)
Glad to hear you got dolled-up the other day. Me too I bought myself a slightly flashy clothing item and have been feeling good wearing it about. Funny the link between feeling good and looking good. Sometimes the latter helps the former.
And sorry to hear Trump is still monkey-wrenching your food stamps... 

Sending hugs and support.
 

This makes me feel a little bit hopeful that maybe it really is possible to unprogram at least some of what was programmed into my body so very long ago.

I'll buy into some of that hope too.
 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much Bach. You didn't deserve that treatment as a child. Please find the strength to treat yourself differently. You deserve love. Sadly you never got that from the ones responsible. Please try and comfort and love the one you were who so deserved it. You can do it. You have good reason to feel what you're feeling right now. Allow it to be. Know it will change. And with each cycle encourage the little girl  to show her sadness... and meet her sadness with love. As much as you can.
Sending love and support.
 

 

Ok, I'm sold! I'm gonna start shopping around for a stuffed animal. :-)
 

San, my best friend of all time and space calls himself the Lone Bison. He too suffers from Cptsd, but he hasn't the faintest notion nor would be even slightly interested should I ever bring it up.

Siblings and shared parents... Just like the adage, no one steps into the same river twice... No two people have the exact same parents. And even identical twins have unique and sometimes enormous personality differences. C'est la vie...

I'm trying to think of a situation where I realized the full scope of something from the getgo. Aint happenin... I don't "realize", I "absorb"... Then little understandings plink-up like mini-mushrooms. I link G with H and it clicks. I get a solid feeling of being a genius... which lasts exactly seven minutes. Then I look back up at the night sky and feel a silly giggle rise in my throat. I think the realization of anything is just another step on that stairway. I'm still pretty darn discouraged. Would it have been worse if it'd come all in one fell swoop? I don't think so. Cptsd sucks no matter what temporal time-frame we engage it on. At the beginning I was obsessed with speed. Now I'm impressed by the depths the condition can take me to. I encounter innumerable "ah-ha" moments, but remain generally clueless. But I know I'm someone else every time I decide to cross that river. Each time, the freezing water shocks me just a minuscule fraction less.

Sending positive senator-reactivity vibes. Keep writing your representative. I believe collective energy accumulates. This Forum serves as my proof.
Kisses and hugs
 

The thing I'm best at is disappointing myself.   

Bach, That's actually good. Because if it's you doing it then that means you can change.
 

Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.

DarkArtGirl, what you wrote here struck me deeply. It's very personal and so very human and honest. Thank you for your courage to share this. That being said, I need to say I do not believe you are pushing your partner away. Quite the reverse: you found the strength to share something so deep and so painful with him. Even certain he would leave you for the Truth you are now bravely facing, you opened up despite every warning sign inside you telling you to hide. There is no greater intimacy. You are NOT shutting him out, you are asking he share your healing journey. That is the greatest gift anyone could offer. Please do not berate yourself that physical intimacy is difficult. That is because of the wound inflicted upon you. And not an indication of you rejecting anything, let alone your partner.

There is so much more I want to say in response to what you've written. (But I've got to get some sleep :-)

Have you read Pete Walker's book? CPTSD, From Surviving to Thriving? It sounds to me as though the police report hurled you into a very large EF (emotional flashback). Anyway you probably know all that.

Thank you again for your honesty and strength. Your story has struck me on many levels. Sending lots of hugs, Chart

Little2Nothing, I am so very happy to hear your upbeat tone. It sounds like you're making good headway, slow but inexorable movement forward. God speed and don't let up. Sending support.
 

Hope your retreat goes well DF.
 

Just to be explicit, no one here on the Forum gets into trouble for being heard/seen. That is never an issue. Quite to the contrary, one of the most important aspects of the Forum is that we can all be heard and seen as much or as little as we each choose. And I can speak from personal experience that I feel safe here expressing myself and know that the others on the Forum truly wish me and everyone well.
Anyway, for what it's worth that is my firm conviction.
Sending support and hugs if that's okay.
 

I'm the very proud owner of a diesel electric generator, 230volts, 30 amps continuous. My neighbors have exploitations of beef cattle and dairy, both cow and goat (I love goat cheese, buy it en masse). I'm currently renting in a large town while my youngest gets through her obligatory brainwashing six hours, five days a week. (I straighten her out in the evenings by running through the original Monty Python shows... works perfectly, my twelve-year-old is more balanced than all her teachers combined.) When she goes off to boarding/high school, I plan on retreating to my generator homestead. No electrical, water, gas or even trash contract will be subscribed to. Found a busted solar panel. Will build a winter greenhouse, rainwater stockage, mass-heating stoves, etc, etc. I don't pay any attention to politics or social internet. People I bump into keep me informed. I smile and nod and change the topic to cat juggling or snail breeding. I did buy a remote controlled sailboat to play with with my daughter. We're both learning to sail at the local lake and park. Gonna live as much as I can the time I've got. May not be long either. I'm smack dab next to some of France's main icbm's as well. [sigh] Definitely worthwhile believing in reincarnation. Wonder what I'll be taxed with the next run around the track?
Stay well SH. Thanks for your writing. It stimulates uniquely :-)
 

I want to chip in and affirm what others are saying. Realizations like you're having are just the thing those invalidated inner parts are crying out for. Before moving on to a new chapter we absolutely have to finish past ones. If we don't, the story is fragmented. For a book to be whole each part must be written in Truth. It's horribly hard and extremely painful. But it IS indeed the true sign that mourning and healing can begin. I wish it was faster too. I'm in the midst like you, Bach. It's really really hard. Don't give up, okay? Me too I want to keep going. Your story helps me know I'm not alone. Thank you.
 

PC, bears are scary. Sounds to me like many of your fears are totally and utterly appropriate. Your psychotic sister less than a mile off? She's gotta be ten times more dangerous than the bears. (Which makes me think an evil thought... maybe one of the bears will get her!) Sorry for that, couldn't help it.
But be understanding with yourself. Many of these things are legitimate fears that you do well to reflect on and prepare for eventualities. But don't stop living either. I know it's a difficult balance to see and decide upon. But I think you're doing really good, being rational and reasonable.
Sending love and support.