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I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, but I recognize this place so much. What my therapist would gently remind me is that what matters most is the impact on you, not his intentions, explanations, or inner struggles. Your body is reacting because it was that bad for you - and that reaction is real and valid.

Trying to figure out why he did it can keep you stuck in self-doubt and looping. You don't have to decide whether he's a "monster" or not. You already know the situation harmed you. That's enough.

Focusing now on tending to what it did to you - your nervous system, your safety, your recovery - is not avoidance. It's care. And it's allowed. 💛

   

"I knew it would be a bad idea. I did it anyway. i still don't fully understand this."
IMHO, this is developmental trauma. As a child even, I knew my caregivers were f-up and their behavior was nothing but "bad ideas". But what choice did I have (as an infant baby, young child, adolescent...) what choice did I have but to go along with their bad ideas... if I hadn't, I wouldn't have survived.

This is developmental trauma. No choice... at that age... Any wonder we're still processing that?

 

Hi Abitbroken, welcome to the Forum. Soooo much of what you've written and described resonates with me. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Just quickly, two things: it is a long hard road... but it does get easier with time, patience, self-love and understanding.

...we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.

Just an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.

For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.

Just like "comparing trauma"... no two experiences are identical. This is one of the greatest challenges to understanding adverse childhood experiences (ACE).

However the symptoms of trauma are quite incredibly consistent amongst sufferers. We all know intimately what an EF is. On that there is a lot of consensus and immense amounts of sympathy.

I personally believe I will continue "learning" what Cptsd is for the rest of my life... there's so much to know and understand. Healing is no longer a destination, but has become the path itself. My awareness only deepens over time.

But through it all, the single most important thing for me is that I no longer feel alone on this voyage. I am understood and feel connected. Love is exponential here.

Sending hugs and support if that's okay.
 

I know that as soon as I tell her how much everyone appreciated them she'll insist on making more.
 

What a beautiful entry, DF. Thank you for sharing that small precious awareness.
  

 

 

 

    

DF, thank you for sharing this. I was very deeply touched. What popped into my mind (and this might just be me) is that the greatest "love affair" we have perhaps in our lives is that long inexorable awakening as to who we ourselves truly are. The reality of the layers just keeps peeling back and we find ourselves over and over again, going deeper and deeper. Often this is a painful journey. We come to "remember" the unimaginable and the pain seems re-born with all it's intensity and newness, horrible in its conception. But it is necessary (imo), just as bubbles must rise to the surface. I've heard it repeated here over and over and I agree, I would prefer to know the truth than to continue blind never truly knowing who I am or could become. It seems to me that this is indeed what you are doing, embracing the things that are truly happening and seeing them for what they mean. Nothing is be more admirable to my way of perceiving.
 

Westman, So sorry to hear your situation. Sending support and welcome. -Chart
 

An old friend is coming to sit quietly on the porch steps to catch up in comfortable silence. 

My daughter made cookies and I'm setting them out for whoever wants :-)

I've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.

I agree, Ran, connection is so important for me and helps me regulate. I connected with two people this week and it was very beneficial.
 

Hey San, You ARE struggling. I want to confirm your struggle. I know to a very great degree what you are going through, though it remains unique to each of us, the pain when it descends is horrible. And you've been hanging in there for years, nose just above water. I want to affirm that I see you, and acknowledge your efforts and difficulties. I am so sorry that each move you make to try to improve your situation is met with a big stick in the turning wheel.

I recently had an experience where my daughter was targeted by a pedophile. Long story, but went to the police, informed the school and changed the two locks on the door to my house cause my daughter had lost her keys at one critical point (perfectly normal for a 12-year-old to lose stuff). But the thing that pushed me over the edge was when I learned that the new keys I'd gotten were actually stolen by another student in my daughter's gym class... I went to the school and had the misfortune to run into a monitor that was aware of the stolen key situation and thought it a good idea to help me out by telling me repeatedly that she "understood perfectly" how I was feeling. I finally snapped and replied, No, I don't think you do in fact. She then got a little haughty and told me that I didn't have to be rude. I held my ground, stayed rational and didn't go into a rage, but I was so at my limit at that point that I couldn't let it go. That night I wrote a letter to the administrators and teachers concerned that I did not in any way accept their window-dressing of understanding. (The situation actually made me aware of the fact that the full extent of the situation had not been communicated to the teachers or staff...)

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit... I guess what I'm trying to say is that "other people" do not in any way shape or form understand your situation... and I am deeply, truly sorry for that.

Seeing you, hoping the hardest part is past and sending love and support, Chart

I imagine my therapist would say that these realizations are a sign of my healing. To which, today, I would reply with a choice expletive.

Marcine, so sorry about the migraines, ef and all its consequences. Becoming conscious of pain is extremely unpleasant. I think that's why we often feel like we're regressing and simply not making progress. As the layers of the onion peel back, there's easily a painful realization that accompanies. Pain is often overwhelming, but it is also a sign of consciousness, awareness. I'm still trying to figure out the relationship between the conscious and unconscious mind (do they actually communicate, exchange, recognize... or do they hate each other's guts?). There has to be "some kind" of interaction there... Anyway, my point is that suffering or even increased pain is not necessarily a sign that we are NOT healing. I'm hedging my bets and hoping (praying?) that my irritated bowel syndrome is a sign of healing... that my morning anxiety is a sign of healing... that my brain fog and complete absence of energy is a sign of healing...

And if all this healing doesn't kill me, I should be right as rain soon! :-)

Sending support and hugs.
 

But trauma doesn't separate things neatly.