Messages

Thank you, Kizzie. It helps so much having Oots here and knowing this group is part of my community.
 

Beautifully expressed,  Gromit. Thank you, you have given me much food for thought in a situation very close to my own circumstances.

Hey Marcine, your story makes me think... mine was reciprocal love... "I'll do x for you but then you'll do y for me..." Every "service" had a price. 57 years later I finally identified much of the same functioning within myself and the relationships I'd established around me... the recognition was hard. This realization of a programing-pattern moved me rapidly to pure nausea. I woke up to a toxic tradition I carried with a scream. And I'm deeply proud to say I stopped doing it in the instant it was identified (or almost).

Marcine, I think we are all incredibly strong-willed. Just give us the freedom to "see" and we engage. Change is good, a darn nice habit to encourage.
 

Hey BB, I'm certain the wood fires we start here never go out. It is indeed a magical place. I'm gonna meditate awhile while my kids play with their new presents. The fire's really nice.

This is the breakthrough I made this Christmas. I vowed to myself to keep myself safe. I'm done serving others at the expense of myself. I've done enough. I will participate and learn to handle safe and mutual relationships that honor the boundaries and resources of both.

Absolutely DD, beautifully expressed.
Happy Holidays to yo too.
 

Thank you everyone.

I'm greatly struggling to respond to those who've commented in my journal here. For some (very mysterious) reason I'm finding inspiration and optimism in the experiences of others here on the forum, in others' journals and the recent threads. I feel a new "self" is somehow establishing itself... ever so slowly, like a crab molting, its new soft shell carefully setting into place.

I'm also incredibly busy with my kids and it's enormously  rewarding. Unless I'm very much deluded, they are happy and these past few days have been really smooth and fun. I'm seeing and feeling things differently. The void of love (my attachment wound) is not so devastating as it's been in the recent past. I feel patience in me and don't react the way I used to. I feel I've learned so much in this past four months since my move. It's been so horribly difficult... especially last September, of which I've written little. It was (and still is) such a drama. But the "impact" has been ever so slightly in line with those Buddhist concepts of simple stoic observation. Nowhere near perfect or enlightened, but just enough that I've had a glimpse through the wall into a garden of peace. There are pears hanging from lovely branches in the sunlight. There are smiling faces too, each one in the form of a forum "friend" you the people I now know, love and deeply care for. It's fantastic (as SO has also pointed out to me many times
:-), I have friends, and they "get it" and as much as I give I get back twice as much.

I've got to sleep now. Christmas tomorrow morning. My daughter has already tried negotiating 8am... we got her to nine but I fully understand her excitement and I feel it too.

Merry Christmas everyone. May peace find its way into our neuronal chaos and push back the thing that so dominates our existence... But nonetheless I imagine... without that horrible tragedy, I'd never have known this blessed connection. It very well might make all that pain worth every h*llish moment. I thank you all.

Indeed, looking forward to a nice few days ahead. I explained to my kids that I didn't want to see my mother for the traditional Christmas video call. They both said no problemo and seemed to completely understand. So I'm pretty prepared and relaxed.

Wishing everyone here and everywhere a stressless and happy holiday period.
 

The flowers of the desert have to choose very carefully their moment to open and expose themselves to a consistently harsh environment. As such they are deeply, intrinsically wise. They know in their core of what the land, wind, and sun are creating around them. Season after season they learn and modify, testing, sometimes failing, sometimes closing up again to await better conditions. But even in difficulty, they are in union with themselves.

What a wonderful post to read in your journal. Thank you DF. Sounds like you're striking out in a whole new way of being.
 

Happy to hear it Alliematt!

I am also bumping this thread for anybody having trouble round Christmas/ New Year's.

I think I'm being a lousy friend irl atm so it's no wonder no one is reaching out.

Great idea to bump this thread BB! But I had a weird disorientation when I read my own post you quoted. I suddenly didn't know what year it was. A kinda time-warp.

I've discussed with a few other people setting up a Holiday open zoom meeting. I love the idea, but am actually kinda scared to take on the project. I just don't trust myself one week to the next. And the idea in itself is complicated...
[sigh]

(Sorry if this reply was a bit jumbled up due to the state I'm in.)

Yeah, me too Hope, thanks for that binaural link. I actually downloaded that exact one ans listen to it on a little mp3 player I have. 40 minutes a might? Most nights I listen. Serious experimentation. The only (pretty) clear sign is my irritated bowel syndrome has "gotten worse". Not 100% sure there's a link, but it's pretty noticeable. Anyway, all that's me. Sounds like you're pretty zen at the moment and the awareness is strong, but not overwhelming. Good place to be. Ps. I love libraries too. :-)
 

I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment.

That sounds very very wise Ran. Go slow, take your time. Cptsd demands our attention first and foremost.
 

Yes, thanks Tigrlily! I just saw this and am definitely gonna check it all out.
 

Awesome. I'm sold. Did exactly this last week with my t. Coincidence? Two cerebral halves connecting. Just like two people... it's all about connection. Regulation comes when the two halves "work together ". Just like relationships can do. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

AND Emdr can be used for preverbal by treating the associated present-day negative experiences that remain the aftermath of what happened before cognitive memory came online.

To be continued...