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Bach, I'm just re-watching the video I linked above. I just want to say that it's FULL of information, and often he doesn't go into details or general info about certain subjects he's discussing. I first saw this video about eight months ago (sortof guessing the time-frame) and I'm realizing that with this second viewing of the video, AND the direct experience I've gained over the past couple years doing vagus-nerve work and seeking to stimulate my parasympathetic nervous system, I'm only now truly understanding what is being discussed and talked about. I also have irritated bowel syndrome, an inguinal hernia, and right-arm tendon-muscle pain. I've had all these things for decades (excepting the hernia, which I got the same month I discovered Cptsd , and am only now fully understanding how all these things are inter-related and how the vagus nerve is effected and effecting... Hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that this is a big complex thing and it's taken me time to "figure" it all out... or some of it out... I'm still learning. But, for the past two years this has been the most impactful treatment of my Cptsd that I've found. For me at least, in terms of energy and time put in, I am getting the best results from just consistent daily stimulation of my para-sympathetic nervous system. I'm definitely better today than two years ago. It's long, but it works. I plan on sticking with it.

Bach, my experience is that somatic work can very easily be triggering. And sometimes violently triggering... I've been working with vagus nerve and parasympathetic stimulation for two years now. For me it's working. Here's a good introduction if you're interested:
Pradip Jamnadas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irn3cFHmK-Y

Just a suggestion, ignore it you don't think it's a good idea for you.
 

still, i felt good enough to get out and walk, took a leaf stroll - one of my favorite things is crunching fallen leaves in the fall

I love that too!
    

 

Bravo SO, it's not always smooth, but sometimes some things work. It's an inexact science. Still plenty of suffering, but you're putting up a fight. Pensively resisting. AND going someplace. For better or for worse, you're doing something. Cptsd isn't taking you down, at least not without a fight.
 

I've staggered in after months of heavy work and affronting storms. The tempest of October has settled into a constant drizzle. I'm loading up the fireplace and bringing in a stock of wood to feed a roaring fire throughout the chilly wet morning. Later, if the sun comes out I'm gonna walk down the path to the lake. On my way back I'll take a tour of the garden.
Breathing is suspiciously magical of a sudden. I'm so glad to be here.

San, when I had my breakdown in '23, two friends (a couple) offered me work and have been employing me ever since. I work for them when I don't have other work, so they fill the gaps so to speak. They are humanists, highly sensitive, caring, intelligent, everything. Good loyal friends, and I'm not exaggerating when I say they've saved my butt these last two years. You're galpal sounds very similar. How wonderful to know there're good people out there (and who aren't on this Forum nor suffer from Cptsd :-)
Glad to hear you got dolled-up the other day. Me too I bought myself a slightly flashy clothing item and have been feeling good wearing it about. Funny the link between feeling good and looking good. Sometimes the latter helps the former.
And sorry to hear Trump is still monkey-wrenching your food stamps... 

Sending hugs and support.
 

This makes me feel a little bit hopeful that maybe it really is possible to unprogram at least some of what was programmed into my body so very long ago.

I'll buy into some of that hope too.
 

I'm sorry you're struggling so much Bach. You didn't deserve that treatment as a child. Please find the strength to treat yourself differently. You deserve love. Sadly you never got that from the ones responsible. Please try and comfort and love the one you were who so deserved it. You can do it. You have good reason to feel what you're feeling right now. Allow it to be. Know it will change. And with each cycle encourage the little girl  to show her sadness... and meet her sadness with love. As much as you can.
Sending love and support.
 

 

Ok, I'm sold! I'm gonna start shopping around for a stuffed animal. :-)
 

San, my best friend of all time and space calls himself the Lone Bison. He too suffers from Cptsd, but he hasn't the faintest notion nor would be even slightly interested should I ever bring it up.

Siblings and shared parents... Just like the adage, no one steps into the same river twice... No two people have the exact same parents. And even identical twins have unique and sometimes enormous personality differences. C'est la vie...

I'm trying to think of a situation where I realized the full scope of something from the getgo. Aint happenin... I don't "realize", I "absorb"... Then little understandings plink-up like mini-mushrooms. I link G with H and it clicks. I get a solid feeling of being a genius... which lasts exactly seven minutes. Then I look back up at the night sky and feel a silly giggle rise in my throat. I think the realization of anything is just another step on that stairway. I'm still pretty darn discouraged. Would it have been worse if it'd come all in one fell swoop? I don't think so. Cptsd sucks no matter what temporal time-frame we engage it on. At the beginning I was obsessed with speed. Now I'm impressed by the depths the condition can take me to. I encounter innumerable "ah-ha" moments, but remain generally clueless. But I know I'm someone else every time I decide to cross that river. Each time, the freezing water shocks me just a minuscule fraction less.

Sending positive senator-reactivity vibes. Keep writing your representative. I believe collective energy accumulates. This Forum serves as my proof.
Kisses and hugs
 

The thing I'm best at is disappointing myself.   

Bach, That's actually good. Because if it's you doing it then that means you can change.
 

Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.

DarkArtGirl, what you wrote here struck me deeply. It's very personal and so very human and honest. Thank you for your courage to share this. That being said, I need to say I do not believe you are pushing your partner away. Quite the reverse: you found the strength to share something so deep and so painful with him. Even certain he would leave you for the Truth you are now bravely facing, you opened up despite every warning sign inside you telling you to hide. There is no greater intimacy. You are NOT shutting him out, you are asking he share your healing journey. That is the greatest gift anyone could offer. Please do not berate yourself that physical intimacy is difficult. That is because of the wound inflicted upon you. And not an indication of you rejecting anything, let alone your partner.

There is so much more I want to say in response to what you've written. (But I've got to get some sleep :-)

Have you read Pete Walker's book? CPTSD, From Surviving to Thriving? It sounds to me as though the police report hurled you into a very large EF (emotional flashback). Anyway you probably know all that.

Thank you again for your honesty and strength. Your story has struck me on many levels. Sending lots of hugs, Chart

Little2Nothing, I am so very happy to hear your upbeat tone. It sounds like you're making good headway, slow but inexorable movement forward. God speed and don't let up. Sending support.