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but what has seemed important is the realization of how very traumatized i've been that this phenomenon happens at all.  that's not 'normal'.  i'm much more mentally ill than i even know.  maybe mentally ill isn't the correct term.  maybe mentally/emotionally wounded/traumatized.  dang, i just didn't realize . . .

Yes! I totally identify with what you just expressed here, San. It is so very important. It's as if the more we dig, the more we realize just how huge our experience actually was... I keep realizing that I downplayed my experience... for years... then I did it again, downplayed what I had newly realized. Then some time passed, I learned and worked some more, and realized it was actually worse than what I thought. As time goes on, understanding gets deeper and deeper. I'm making "some" progress, but am always confused why it's not "more".

I think the answer is that Cptsd is actually far more devastating than we realize. And even that "ignorance" is understandable... like trying to get our heads around Mao's purges, Stalin's gulags, and Hitler's concentration camps... no matter how much we learn, it was actually much much worse. Maybe it's human to avoid the full impact of things. But it's still weird.

My initial reaction to this aspect is that I really really need to go easy on myself. I need to appreciate the scope of what I've had to deal with my whole life.

Did that make sense? I'm actually realizing while writing. Thank you for sharing this idea. I want to support it and you. The credits are still rolling apparently... we're not at the end of the realizations...
 

Bach, My sophomore year in high school my parents got a call from the Principal telling them if I missed one more single day of school I'd have to repeat the year. I'd stayed home sick the total maximum days allowed. I was always "sick" and it was always about feeling just awful all the time, especially at school around so many others and all my Cptsd difficulties to boot. I'm now 56, and still all I want to do is hide from the world. My last EF lasted a week and a half. I hid in bed for over a week. Yesterday I had my daughter return for my week... I couldn't do anything. I slept all day. I felt horribly guilty. Today I feel better. Maybe it's passing. I had a nice evening with my daughter tonight.
Just sharing. You're not alone. Breath, bodywork, patience, no guilt, no guilt, no guilt. You have Cptsd. It's h***. And it comes in waves. It will re-subside... just as there are EFs to come in the future. We live with it. It sucks. No matter how many times you share with the forum your EFs, you will ALWAYS find understanding here. And our empathy totally understands.
Sending love and support.
  

Hi Bach, I didn't read everything you wrote, only the first and the last page to get a glimpse of who you are. And we don't know each other that well. So I might be typing something entirely unhelpful and if I do, please ignore.

I didn't get the impression anyone here was saying you should stop about that incident though. Obviously it keeps coming back to you and there's reason for that. Yes it definitely was wrong.
And I know we keep looking for some 'objective' or verifiable evidence, other than the little scraps we do have. It would help tremendously. Just something big you could point at and say: See, everybody knows that's wrong. Part of our problem it is not always that simple. I myself still have trouble getting my head around the knowledge that it was in fact wrong. The thing is, we can tell from the way we feel that it is wrong. And speaking for myself, I just heard too many times (back then) that what I felt was nonsense, and I shouldn't feel it. That's what I was taught. From a very early age.
It takes a lot of time to be able to feel again and to acknowledge what those feelings mean. These are deeply ingrained patterns. It may take the rest of our lives.
But the way we feel IS our evidence, our only evidence in many cases. We ourselves are the only ones who know what we feel and how those feelings should be rated. We are not wrong. We know.

I'm sure you heard all this before. Sometimes we just need to hear it again. I hope it helps.

And as for going back to the incident. This sounds like a little Bach that needs to be comforted and held many many times before she will be able to let go of it. Like she should have been held so many times before. We can give ourselves the comfort we were denied back then by practicing. It's a drag I know, and there is no quick fix, but we can and do get better. Hoping to give you some encouragement even though I'm not a motivational speaker myself. A hug if that's okay.

 

I wrote elsewhere that I'm feeling my body in a new way.  Something I learned recently is exactly where in my body the worst of the crazy lives.  By "the worst of the crazy", I mean the obsessive thoughts of death and suicide and not being worth the resources that keep me alive.  And by "where it lives", I mean, as in, there's my body keeping the score for little/Middle B.  I pinpointed exactly which physical symptoms correspond with those unbearable thoughts, and have identified some practical physical things I can do to alleviate them at least somewhat.  This is  a major breakthrough for me, especially in light of all the frustration I've felt lately with knowing all the WHY I'M LIKE THIS without being able to figure out WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.  I finally have something of a weapon against my trauma.  The tricky part will be not overusing it, because that's exactly the kind of thing I do.

   
Personally, bodywork/body-consciousness cannot be "overused". I was sooooooo out of contact with my body it's insane. I'm now working daily with bodywork and it's sooooooo beneficial and rewarding. It's an extremely powerful tool that I will continue using and learning for decades to come. But the benefits are already clear.
Keep the contact with your body. Give it as much love as the inner children. Like them, your body deserves it.
 

Lots of big questions, strawberrycat. But you seem to be analyzing well and with a wise approach. Slowly and gently. Sending support.
    

 

 

Hey DF, I was walking with you. My legs were your legs. The needles in my abdomen, my eyes, deep in the back of my neck. Walking hand in hand with terror. We're not exaggerating. And yes, so many of my "friends" just haven't the first clue.

I've taken to stopping everything, mid-gest, putting everything down and saying, "Ff-ing Cptsd!" A good friend asked me, "What's wrong?" I just said it: "It's Cptsd... it seems to never stop..."
He just stared at me bewildered.

Trauma gives very few breaks.

I've spent the past three days beyond exhausted and sleeping. Last week someone said, "I completely understand". I cracked, I split in two. I'm not paranoid, I'm not insane. It's the world around me that's bonkers. My daughter got exposed to a pedophile. I've been doing insane work to protect her. Among other things, I changed my front door locks... Some kid at her school stole the new key from my daughter. I thought I'd lose my mind. That's when this someone said, "I completely understand".

No, you don't. I wasn't very nice to this person. I care less and less, I tell people the truth. They're bewildered.

Sorry DF, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I wanna say I understand, but that strikes me as being just too easy to say. I THINK I understand.

It's really hard. Thank you for sharing your story. I really relate.

Hey NK, sounds familiar. My father has been a stoic enabler of my mother for years. He's calm, but I know he tows whatever line my mother leads out for him to grab hold of. Turns out his psyche finally cracked. He was actually admitted into a psych hospital for two weeks about a month ago. He's had a complete mental breakdown. Since, my one interaction with my mother ended with her furiously telling me I was to leave my father alone as SHE would be the one who "fixed" him. (This was following a phone call I'd had with my dad.) I calmly told my mom that he's my father and she can go to heck, I'll call my dad whenever I so choose. She hung up on me. I'm wondering if it's the last time I'll ever speak to her directly. There's ultimately very little we can do about our toxic parents behavior. It's sad, really really sad. I'm sorry you're dealing with all that. I think I really know how you feel.
Hugs!
 

Hey SH,
You mentioned "legacy" several times awhile back... I'd like to say your journal is a tapestry woven of rough wool with patterns and images I marvel at. You have shared your life, honestly, directly, nothing artificial or conceited. I feel real connection with you and your words. It's a gift I highly value. And I believe that's much of our possible legacy, connection in seeing things for what they are.
Big hugs, your story is beautiful.
 

Hey Bach, I hear you and your inner child. It's so hard sometimes. Such valid questions that don't seem to have an answer.
 

Hey San! Been catching up these past couple of days. Happy belated birthday! Ditto like NK, I thought you were my age (56). Your true spirit-age shines through your writing.
 :-)
 

PapaCoco, I think you've just summarized a prevalent but little discussed condition: Healing Burnout.

I remember when I imploded in 2023. I'd just a few months before discovered the term Cptsd. I remember very clearly  throwing myself into "healing" like those salmon fighting with all their might to get upstream against the relentless current. My idea was willpower, force, determination and incessant research. Pain drove me like a galley slave.

Kinda worked...  :-)

But I think that one of my mistakes for a VERY long time was seeing "healing" as an objective; a destination point. As time passes, my pain has changed, but definitely NOT disappeared. And this is still immensely frustrating. (Especially when I know I've made great progress... but... life keeps throwing poop-piles in my face!)

So recently the idea of acceptance has reemerged. It's not so much about where I'm headed as the scenery out my window as I make this trip. And yeah, it's often pretty ugly. I struggle with how much to shut my eyes.

I think all these things going on around the world are great. But for me at least, now, it's not how I'm gonna move beyond my condition. I'm staying open, but the hardest thing for me is not seeking, it's looking inside.

Beet, The only aspect I believe questionable is whether tickling is "sexual" abuse. But even this question is pretty irrelevant in my opinion.

Clearly your father was also engaging in sexual abuse. Touching a sleeping child in a sexual part of their body is sexual abuse.

Unwanted touching of ANY kind, is abuse.

Tickling is also unwanted touching if the child is clearly asking that it stop or if the tickling is clearly painful and stressful to the child. If the child's demand to stop is ignored, this is abuse.

No one has the right to touch a child's body if the child does not want to be touched.

And needless to say, a child who is consistently ignored regarding their needs and requests for limits and boundaries are destined to develop deep wounds regarding their physical integrity and self-value.

Children are not the property of their parents (or anyone else).

Beet, I am so sorry your parents did not respect your physical, mental and emotional boundaries that you were 100% valid in demanding they respect.

Additionally, the subsequent accusations that you were being "dramatic" is gaslighting. Gaslighting, if you don't already know, is a toxic device to put responsibility on the victim. It is done to shift focus off of the abusive behavior of the aggressive perpetrator in order to imply fault and blame on the victim.

This is a classic narcissistic tactic (which you probably are already aware of, but it bears repeating due to the continued unawareness of the technique in so many cases of child abuse).

Please know that you were entirely valid in demanding that your father's behavior stop. And not being supported by your mother was further abandonment at a time in your life when your being needed true love, trust and protection. I am so deeply sorry that you experienced this absence of what you, and all children, so rightly and inherently deserve.
 

oh, and i woke up from a dream the other night, and i do believe i felt the feeling of 'happy' afterwards.  it was warm and calm and just lovely.  it didn't last more than a few minutes, but that's the second time in my life i've felt that emotion.  no wonder everyone likes it so much.  it's the best.  i know excitement and anticipation, and they're both fun and 'up', but this was heavenly.  i wish i could feel it more often.

I wish that for you too!
 
Those rare dreams of love and happiness are precious. I never forget them.
And it makes me smile your friend whom you cut her hair. I can just see you turning, twisting, trying to get the truth out of her... I'm also a bit like your friend, I often give an answer that is in the other person's interest and not so much my own. I'm a fawner big-time... workin on it But other fawners don't bother me at all. I just overrule them and give it to them (whatever) anyway.