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How many times can you show someone the light and have them not listen?

I found this synchronistic just now and on several levels : How many times can we realize the truth and just not feel it?

I believe feelings exist, but they're not necessarily "true".

Here's to not judging ourselves... and letting go of our torturer's stories...
 

SH, geez, reading your post was like going into a church, the bell chiming every four sentences (not religious but love churches for the cool silence). So much to touch on, but tears, yeah tears. I so appreciate that cathartic step I trip over at least once per day (9 times per week?) The picture you paint puts me back in so many places... my grandpa's acting disgusted because I was terrified and screaming at the site of visiting an enormous submarine museum in a Chesapeake dock somewhere... The photos of my naked parents (taken by my sister) half-hidden by the ferns of West Virginia... My autistic stepdad forcing himself to tears because my mom demanded it. Little things... often big, but always grossly blurred by dysfunction and horrible angst... when to flee was a choice between horrible suffering or death. I scratch my head raw these days wondering just how messed up a species we really are. Any vacancies in that Tibetan monastery?

The positive for me at the moment is body work. Slow but lead-solid body work. Not much, but I'm daily faithful. Finally got a routine that works for me and I'm stickin to it. Heck it got so bad I HAD to stop the ipa's. I'm cold for two years now. Less and less words for the family. Fled to France to escape. Honestly, the smartest thing I ever did. One last kid to put into rights, (not too messed up) and I'm really free. I'm probably not even going to my mom's funeral. Maybe you could call it revenge... but f- it all, you can only get urinated on so many times before just the thought of looking back makes you want to retch. AND!!! AND! How to stay positive? How to live now!? I chatted with SenseOrgan about that too... I wanna live, and travel and love. Got plenty of wandering left in me. Never been to Belgium... wanna go! Gotta survive. Gotta stay positive (as much as possible). Gotta live. Gonna make it happen. One teardrop at a time.
Love ya right back. We all need copilots on this trauma-train.

SO, we have the right to live. We have the right to grow. We can change and pull the terror up by the roots. No matter the field is rampant with weeds. We'll get at them one at a time. And with no illusions about what we're attempting. But we can be happy... sometimes. It's possible. It happens. I have a theory that nothing can comprehend complexity greater than itself, for once that understanding is reached, the mechanisms behind that understanding have evolved to another level of complexity. Thus we are consciously always one step behind. But this does not limit us from climbing the staircase. It actually defines the ascension itself. It's movement. I believe the way out of Cptsd is movement. Your post was absolutely lovely. It sounds like you're moving... hands in the dirt and helping things to push up towards the sun. Absolutely lovely. I'm so very happy for you. I share in your change and evolution. Me too... today I was rained on... multiple times... and I didn't mind nearly so much as I might... and tonight I feel good about me. All that is pretty new. It's feels good. I'm gonna garden with my daughter this weekend. Thanks for inspiring me.
  

SH, yeah I think I identify. Preverbal is... "clunky"? Thing is, for me, nearly everything that messed me up happened before age four... well at least the worst was past. (Fusional and devouring mother was nonetheless mitigated by quick introduction of very decent adoptive papa...) So the story became: "You don't remember all the violence, so you got off easy..."
I've come to realize that my inception probably triggered the violence (in that trash heap who can in no way be called a father. No gory details, but what I want to say is that preverbal has been everything for me. Real memories are ultra rare. But going back to that little boy usually brings tears. I open to them more every time, every day, every morning. It's my only avenue. I've got "body clues" too. There's a huge difference between right and left, literally, physically. I'm trying to hear a deafening silence (sorry for the overused metaphor :-)
Gotta get to sleep. Thinkin of ya. Hang tough. And lots of hugs.

Hope put that very well.
Gosh SH, I think I really know how you feel. "That" sadness is deafening. I just wrote in my journal about a sudden memory that sprang upon me while driving home from work Wednesday. For me it was the Father who walked away... the little smile of hope I threw into the trash heap. And the emptiness that remained in my clenched hands... that sucks bigtime.
Now I mourn. I hug that little boy and tell him how it is now. And it's "okay" to be so sad. We'll cry it out together. He's not alone. Not anymore, I'm on the up and up and I'm gonna look after him like he needed over fifty years ago. Bring on the sadness. Now is the time. Now it's ok. We're not alone.
 

My heart and thoughts go out to you, San. I hear you about driving. How many times I've caught myself suddenly realizing that I'm driving and haven't really looked in front of me for... I don't know how long... Yeah, that causes me to flip-out pretty bad. My daughter asked me to put my phone down the other day while driving and I felt really bad... I promised to stop using my phone while driving. But of course, when she's not with me I still cheat... Everything's hard. You're not alone. Wish I could help more. Sending support.
 

Chaos,
There's a classic book on shame by John Bradshaw. Maybe you've already read it?
Anyway I hope you're feeling better. Sending support.
 

Welcome to the Forum, Wooboyattachmenttrauma. Your story made me think of the variety of difficulties we face with Cptsd. I hope your struggles with your therapist bring a constructive outcome. It's a very important and complex part of our healing process and isn't always smooth sailing (to put it mildly :-)
Sorry to hear your struggles but glad you're with us!
Sending hugs if that's ok.
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Hello Jack, welcome to the Forum. Your story touched me deeply. It sounds like you are incredibly resilient. To have accomplished so many's things in your life despite the trauma. Yet as you say, it's still with us after all these accomplishments and years. I for one still have much work to do, but I've progressed and in no small part thanks to everyone here. Welcome again and happy to know you.
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Thanks, Hope.
And thanks, Jack. It has been a journey, sometimes I'm not so sure about progress... I've got enough decades under my belt to be able to rattle off a list of chapters in my life, but the truth is I haven't found my place in life. It's like being a misfit or fighting a strong current, even though I cherish the adventures and the learning.
And it's pretty lonely in the dark moments when I grapple with the sense that I'm doing life wrong, which slips into feeling like I am helpless and worthless.
I don't talk about this much. But it feels ok to share it here.

Welcome to the Forum, Marcine. Your post really struck a cord in me. I really feel what you wrote. For me discovering Cptsd was a watershed moment. I'm still pretty lost two years on but I at least have a framework from where I can work. And sharing what we're going through here on the Forum is pure gold, it's helped me so much. Reading what you've written I feel less alone. Thanks and hugs if that's ok
:-)
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Hey San, I haven't been to this journal in awhile. Just stopping by to say hello and catchup a little bit more. Hope the time is easing things a little.
 

That when I say I 'can't' make the negative thoughts stop...that I literally can't. Its not a matter of willpower and just trying harder. My brain is programmed in a faulty way due to abuse from the entirety of my childhood and longer. You might as well tell a someone who's blind that if they just tried harder then they could see. All I do all day is try harder, hence the exhaustion.

 

Fun fact: when I'm physically injured like this,I have far more intrinsic motivation, it just kicks in automatically. I was told by a previous OT that it's a known thing.

That is super interesting. I've always wondered why I'm super motivated to do my own stuff when I'm working for someone else. And when I have time for myself I just sit here... like today... :|