Messages

Thank you for the welcome and the hug (much needed).

Also thank you for letting me know about being able to delete posts. I am an over sharer at times and that would be helpful after my breakdowns. It does take time to trust people, but I can word vomit my emotions at the wrong times.

1. Finding this forum to take the time to shift my thoughts and energy towards something positive.
2. hugging my dog
3. watching corny movies with the kids and making memories.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and I am still trying to deal with it because I am angry at my family and my mom who I am still on contact with. I have 2 younger siblings, but I received the majority and more severe physical abuse and neglect. We still do not talk about it and I am not sure if my siblings even know what I went through. I think we all have different recollections and experiences with her. They did get verbally abused so I do not want to diminish that but even now we all conquer that I am the target when she is dysregulated. Growing up, I always excused her actions attributing that to the abuse that she received from her family and my dad. I never blamed her or held her accountable, I just put it all away as something that happened. When I started talking in therapy, I realized how f* up it was. Listening to myself say some of the things that happened (and they were the lighter events) unraveled all the emotions you listed but mainly anger. I realized I did not deserve that and I cannot fathom doing such things to a child or to any human being for that matter. I going through my emotions and just letting them flow through for now. I have a new therapist now too and I hope that she is able to guide me. I had not realized that I had big T trauma and that not all are trained in that.

There are emotions we may not be ready to feel and you are in your own healing journey. There is not a right or correct path. I hope you find what you are looking for here and in your new therapist as well.

Hi everyone. I am new here. I am very nervous about being here, but I am hoping that this will help pave some of the way towards healing and not feeling so alone. I am not much of a social person even though I am in very social circles if that makes sense. I have been in therapy for about 3 years and have seen 3 therapists. I thought that I would be "better" by now and had no idea all the ugly that therapy would unleash. Everything was just let loose with the first T and Ihad no idea what was going  on. I lost control of myself and felt as if all the trauma had just happened. I went to such a dark place because I had a revelation of how messed up my life was and how my parents treated me, and my family never mentioned anything that happened. I was severely neglected and abused by my mother since I can remember, and my father was an alcoholic who was absent (don't think he knows what happened to me). I have siblings but I was the only one that went through that degree of abuse. I could not handle all that anger, guilt and hurt for so long and I just wanted to unlive. My partner has not gone through trauma and could not understand anything I was going through. Our relationship went downhill as my mental and emotional health deteriorated. I ended up changing therapists about 6 months ago and this one diagnosed me with CPTSD. I Moved out on my own again, and although I am now aware of what I have and I am unable to come to terms with who I am. I am still struggling with the grief, anger and self confidence. I feel the heaviness of this label and the more I learn and become aware of what is going on with me physiologically, mentally and emotionally , the worse and disappointed I feel in myself. I am hopeful I can love little and grown me some day but for now I hope I can learn from this group and be on a path towards healing.