Messages

Thank you, HannahOne

Armee & Marcine THANK YOU!!!

Last month I made it to 70. Never thought I'd live this long. 

That is a big milestone for me. With entering the ranks of the elderly I also had some helpful breakthroughs with my T. 

There were events in my life that I have not been able to verbalize. Every time I tried to talk about them I was mute. No words would come out. It had been an ongoing struggle. 

A couple of weeks ago I was finally able to partially talk about those things on a very surface level. For me that was huge. I still have a long way to go, but, right now, I don't feel defeated by my inability to speak. 

Just slighty verbalizing these incidents has been extremely freeing. It is no longer my secret. I have begun to uncover the ugliness and inward pain it produced. 

After all these years I am beginning to realize that I am not guilty of the actions of my abuser. It is a horrible trick that my abuser pulled to get me to willingly carry their guilt and shame as though it was my own. 

Anyway, for me this is huge. There seems to be a bright light at the end of this disastrous tunnel. 

Dollyvee, Thank you!!!!!!

[Chart]

Chart, I think you're right that this is a form of grief. It is encouraging to read about you're connection with your younger self and how healing it has been. 

I'm sure I will get there eventually. I was just able to see myself at 10 years old as being a 10 yr old. I have been disconnected from that part of my life. I'm learning to give 10 year old me some slack. When I looked back I despised that part of me for being weak. 

I would not be that harsh on any other 10 yr old I know. I can look with empathy on any child (not me) suffering abuse. Intellectually I know that is absurd. But, I guess intelligence and trauma are two different things. It has been a struggle making the connection. 

Anyway, I'm working on it and hope I will get to where you are. 

Thanks for sharing, by the way. It is an encouragement to me

[Hope,]

Hope, thank you for the encouragement.  

Chart, I'm looking forward to your comments 

[Armee,]

Armee, my resistance is beginning to wane. My T has been patiently working with me to help me connect with my past hurts. I am learning how effective these exercises are and the benefit I derive from them.

NK, I think everything is distorted for those who have experienced significant trauma. It's hard to determine what normal might actually look like. Finding some way to distract the little rascal isn't a bad idea at all.  

Chart, thanks for the hugs!

Thinking more about the holiday blues. I think that the extreme contrast between the idealized Christmas and the reality in my home as a child made the longing for soundness even more intense. I lived in a bubble of unkindness, violence, and sheer terror. Christmas was never a happy time. That was my reality. Everything else around me told me that I was abnormal. My holidays never resembled the Currier and Ives ideal. A hallmark moment in our home was when someone didn't wind up in the hospital.

Every song spoke of happiness, joy and peace. The music was sentimental and left a lingering sense of longing. Now, I don't know how many people felt the same as me. I'm sure there are plenty. TV shows always had some astoundingly touching Christmas story. Some miracle occurred, some need was always met. The message was that Christmas produced miracles. Everything bad became good. 

As a kid I was on the outside looking in. I never had a Christmas miracle, no happy music, no sentimental reunions, everything I experienced was the exact opposite of that. The happenings at Christmas were no different than the rest of the year, but during the rest of the year I was not bombarded with promises of miracles and happy endings. As a child I believed the stories, or at least intensely longed for them. 

Those feelings of loss precipitated by the season were profound. At no other time of the year did I experience that compounded loneliness. That sense of loss stays with me along with the memories, fear, and sadness. I may never rise above this, but I believe it can get better. I'm not living there anymore, though someone forgot to tell that to the part of me that suffers this time of year. 

Thanks Armee, I'm just beginning to learn about creating safety for those emotions. I'm not very good at it but am making progress. 

I do see the value of doing what you mention. I still have an internal resistance to the process. Like I said I'm working on it. 

That was not too advice-y. On the contrary I appreciate it deeply. 

Thank you SenseOrgan. The closer it gets to Christmas the more sadness presses on me. 

As a kid I saw the Andy Williams specials and others portraying happy loving homes. A place of smiles, figgy pudding, and warm embraces. I think those things gave me a nostalgia for things that didn't exist in my world. It was a seasonally perpetual unmet need. I still have those feelings and I think it contributes to the emotional pain. 

Those things were constantly unmet longings. The songs, happy ending movies, the joy and wonder everyone spoke about was never my reality. Yet, every year the cycle would begin and end the same. 

Every year that childish hope rises and that feeling of hope mocks my longing. It all relates to the past. 

I will say I have a loving family. Wife, kids and grandkids. My Christmas with them is pleasant and rational. No false expectations, but that disillusioned kid surfaces and will not be comforted. He can't be because he's longing for a fictional past. 

Thanks Chart. I have been naking headway. I don't want to take this moment for granted. 

NarcKiddo, I know a lot of people who hate the holidays. I'm glad they end for me after the new year. It has to be hard to deal with all the way up until March. So many bad things happened, but many good things have happened since my exodus from my family. They're all gone so I don't have that to contend with. No one to feel obligated to see. I hope you have seasons of peace. 

It has been a while since I last checked in. Life moves inexorably forward. 

I do want to report that I have been making good progress in relation to my cptsd. The EMDR seems to help even if it seems it shouldn't. I find myself less apt to lose my patience, though at times it is a struggle. The feelings of aloneness are less frequent, but not less disturbing when they come. 

The aloneness has been a consistent part of my life. Though I can now shake myself out of it on occasion it wins more than not. I am grateful for the progress. There is so much damage that has to be undone. I have to keep reminding myself that healing is a process. It takes time. 

We are moving into the holiday season, which usually takes its toll on me. Every year I am determined to do better and every year I fail. I at least have a consistent track record. haha  I am hoping this year will be different, or at least better. 

One blessing for me is that all the people who harmed me have passed so I don't have to deal with them anymore. However, the lingering memories and past pain have not died with them. Memory is harder to conquer, but I am getting there.

That's all I wanted to say. I am grateful for everyone here.

Just to clarify. I wrote the poem and had an AI program create the music and vocals. I'm not a musician. Haha. I wish I could create music like that. 

Kizzie, no it is not me singing. 

This is a poem I created set to music. I hope it has meaning to some of you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qa7OAh9aVs