Wow! What an ordeal! I can't imagine me reacting any different from you. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
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#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: hi all
April 04, 2025, 11:25:28 AM
Welcome to the forum em87.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
April 04, 2025, 08:34:09 AM
PC,
I am so sorry for the things you have endured. In spite of it all you are a kind and caring person.
You have not hijacked my journal. Your posts are always helpful and full of insight. You have been a valuable friend.
The thing about hope is that as cruel as it seems it still spurs us on to improve ourselves. Hope in unrealistic expectations is where the pain starts.
I have envisioned myself living free of pain and unmoved by the past. It is a kind of emotional utopia.
Realistically, the past will always be with me. My desire is to recognize it, contextualize it, and know that it can no longer harm me. It seems simple, but it has been the hardest goal for me to reach. My emotions, brain, and body just don't want to cooperate with my will.
I'm sure I'll get there someday. 😌
I am so sorry for the things you have endured. In spite of it all you are a kind and caring person.
You have not hijacked my journal. Your posts are always helpful and full of insight. You have been a valuable friend.
The thing about hope is that as cruel as it seems it still spurs us on to improve ourselves. Hope in unrealistic expectations is where the pain starts.
I have envisioned myself living free of pain and unmoved by the past. It is a kind of emotional utopia.
Realistically, the past will always be with me. My desire is to recognize it, contextualize it, and know that it can no longer harm me. It seems simple, but it has been the hardest goal for me to reach. My emotions, brain, and body just don't want to cooperate with my will.
I'm sure I'll get there someday. 😌
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
April 03, 2025, 11:22:24 AM
It is foolish to believe that life can be easy, but it really is distressing when multiple things come crashing down all at once. I do not handle stress very well, especially now that I am an old man. It seems to be harder to navigate with each passing year.
At 69 I am beyond the apex of time. When I was young I was able to ignore my past, well I didn't really ignore it, it was more like burying it. I could fill my mind and time with other things. I was busy as a pastor and in many cases worked a second job. I buried myself in study and became a voracious reader. I didn't have time to look at the pain inside. For the most part I denied it. I even bragged about how I was able to function in spite of my upbringing.
Over time that protective layer dissipated and what I thought was buried began to crawl out of the graves I had dug for them. The past was alive in me and would no longer be silent or ignored. In 2015, with the unexpected death of a close friend, the fountains of the deep of my soul broke open. I was on a quick downward spiral. Since that time I have battled this deep scar with limited success. I realized that I had never really functioned at all, I had always been a prisoner of the past.
The echoes of my childhood resound deeply within me. My thoughts, self-concept and reactions are all tied to those years of distress. The patterns of behavior are profoundly imbedded in me. The past has ruled me for decades. I came to realize that I was not as strong or free as I had originally thought. The tentacles of the past are entwined in every aspect of my life.
Knowing this is a benefit to me. I am now able to recognize the trauma reactions within me. The quickness to anger, the gnawing aloneness, the fear of abandonment and the sense that I am not really worthy of love or care. However, seeing it is different from conquering it. But seeing and knowing it is there gives me an opportunity to face those things and gain some ground against it. It took years for me to be demoralized and it will take a protracted time to work on these things.
I am not sure that I will ever master these defects. Though I am hopeful that I can gain some ground and find some semblance of peace in my life. There is some truth to the old saying, "where there is life, there is hope." Though sometimes I feel like the character on Monk who said, "I hate hopes guts," because sometimes hope isn't enough. In the darkness hope seems to mock your pain. It holds out a promise that you are not able to touch. Those moments hurt more than anything else can.
Though the pain can be intense and crippling, there are moments of respite when the clouds disperse and the light breaks through. Though few and far between those are the moments I want to remember and hold on to. It is indicative of the promise hope give when we are not drowning in despair.
All in all, there are good things in life. There is love and, yes, even joy. I want to look at the rainbow that comes after the storm instead of the dark clouds and blustering winds. Sometimes there is beauty in the storm because without it the rainbow would never be created.
At 69 I am beyond the apex of time. When I was young I was able to ignore my past, well I didn't really ignore it, it was more like burying it. I could fill my mind and time with other things. I was busy as a pastor and in many cases worked a second job. I buried myself in study and became a voracious reader. I didn't have time to look at the pain inside. For the most part I denied it. I even bragged about how I was able to function in spite of my upbringing.
Over time that protective layer dissipated and what I thought was buried began to crawl out of the graves I had dug for them. The past was alive in me and would no longer be silent or ignored. In 2015, with the unexpected death of a close friend, the fountains of the deep of my soul broke open. I was on a quick downward spiral. Since that time I have battled this deep scar with limited success. I realized that I had never really functioned at all, I had always been a prisoner of the past.
The echoes of my childhood resound deeply within me. My thoughts, self-concept and reactions are all tied to those years of distress. The patterns of behavior are profoundly imbedded in me. The past has ruled me for decades. I came to realize that I was not as strong or free as I had originally thought. The tentacles of the past are entwined in every aspect of my life.
Knowing this is a benefit to me. I am now able to recognize the trauma reactions within me. The quickness to anger, the gnawing aloneness, the fear of abandonment and the sense that I am not really worthy of love or care. However, seeing it is different from conquering it. But seeing and knowing it is there gives me an opportunity to face those things and gain some ground against it. It took years for me to be demoralized and it will take a protracted time to work on these things.
I am not sure that I will ever master these defects. Though I am hopeful that I can gain some ground and find some semblance of peace in my life. There is some truth to the old saying, "where there is life, there is hope." Though sometimes I feel like the character on Monk who said, "I hate hopes guts," because sometimes hope isn't enough. In the darkness hope seems to mock your pain. It holds out a promise that you are not able to touch. Those moments hurt more than anything else can.
Though the pain can be intense and crippling, there are moments of respite when the clouds disperse and the light breaks through. Though few and far between those are the moments I want to remember and hold on to. It is indicative of the promise hope give when we are not drowning in despair.
All in all, there are good things in life. There is love and, yes, even joy. I want to look at the rainbow that comes after the storm instead of the dark clouds and blustering winds. Sometimes there is beauty in the storm because without it the rainbow would never be created.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
March 31, 2025, 02:41:44 PM
PC,
As always thanks for your reply. Sorry I hadn't responded earlier.
We are comrades in sorrow. There is much that we have in common. I suppose trauma infects us all in similar ways. The aloneness that I endure, at times, is much more that just feeling sadness. It is a visceral pain that gnaws at my heart and soul. It is a deeply held sense that I am cut off from everything around me. Gratefully, it is not a constant impression, there are times of respite. When it comes, however, it is a crushing weight. My whole sense of being is thrown into turmoil. There is nothing that can assuage it.
Sometimes it can linger for hours. As I'm sure you know it is an agony that is unrelenting. The tools I've learned for grounding seem to have little affect. Though this thing is an impression from the past it dominates the present. I am hopeful that EMDR will help in lessoning the impact.
Thanks for your kind words. I felt a kinship with you the first moment we interacted. I deeply appreciate your insight and wisdom. I'm glad we are friends.
NK,
Thanks for your response. The inner child concept has been a very hard thing for me to process. I am not closed to the possibility that it will benefit me eventually, though. I think I will have to give it time. Right now it just seems untenable to me. Maybe the real reason is that that child is broken and deformed and I'm not ready to really look at him yet.
As always thanks for your reply. Sorry I hadn't responded earlier.
We are comrades in sorrow. There is much that we have in common. I suppose trauma infects us all in similar ways. The aloneness that I endure, at times, is much more that just feeling sadness. It is a visceral pain that gnaws at my heart and soul. It is a deeply held sense that I am cut off from everything around me. Gratefully, it is not a constant impression, there are times of respite. When it comes, however, it is a crushing weight. My whole sense of being is thrown into turmoil. There is nothing that can assuage it.
Sometimes it can linger for hours. As I'm sure you know it is an agony that is unrelenting. The tools I've learned for grounding seem to have little affect. Though this thing is an impression from the past it dominates the present. I am hopeful that EMDR will help in lessoning the impact.
Thanks for your kind words. I felt a kinship with you the first moment we interacted. I deeply appreciate your insight and wisdom. I'm glad we are friends.
NK,
Thanks for your response. The inner child concept has been a very hard thing for me to process. I am not closed to the possibility that it will benefit me eventually, though. I think I will have to give it time. Right now it just seems untenable to me. Maybe the real reason is that that child is broken and deformed and I'm not ready to really look at him yet.
#7
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Sudden waves of sadness
March 28, 2025, 12:56:40 PM
I have those moments as well. It comes unbidden and can last a short or long while. Those moments are quite painful. They are connected to something but I can never figure out what.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
March 28, 2025, 11:05:50 AM
PC,
Connection is something I long for more than anything else. I am discovering that the problem I have with connecting to others is not because of others it is because of me. Like you, my inability to connect, even when I am with people that I know love me, produces an excruciating loneliness. I don't believe that I have the capacity to actually know what healthy connection is.
I believe the deep emptiness I feel is directly connected to the loss of connection as a child. I was denied that connection when my basic needs should have been met through touch, embrace, and tenderness. When I hurt I was not comforted. When I'd cry I would receive punishment. There were no cooing words, no wiping away of tears and no gentle kisses to mollify my fears and sorrow. I think that loss of connection is the poisoned well from which my other troubles have sprung. The moment to meet that ingrained need is past forever.
I have been told that need can be met by me. That I can comfort and nurture that part of me that languishes in isolation. This seems foreign to me. The need is predicated on a primal desire that was denied. It cries out for maternal connection. I, who have no real ability to connect, would be a poor substitute for whatever past needs had been neglected.
Out of this loss has grown a self protective layer. It is a force field that has organically grown around me. Inside of me the thought of being hurt and rejected again is frightening. I never learned what real loving connection actually consists of. How do you open up completely when a vital part of you has been violently crippled? I'm not certain I will ever find the answer.
The part of me that is wrapped in darkness is forever stunted. It cannot be healed. At least I don't believe it can at the moment. Maybe at some future time I will see things differently. The only thing that could heal the broken child inside of me is a mother's love. I shall never have that. No one can be a surrogate for that, not even me.
There are days when the emptiness and aloneness I feel is so strong that I feel lost. It is oppressive, a tyrant that crushes my soul. I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it. It is a merciless enemy that will not allow me to rest or find comfort. Some days are far worse than others. Yet, this thing is my constant companion.
The EMDR is helpful, although I haven't had consistent weekly session because of my dysregulation. The emotions are difficult to deal with. My T has been a blessing to me. She doesn't push nor does she ever appear impatient. I have to say that I have grown to trust her and look forward to our session.
Maybe once the EMDR has been fully explored and I have learned to regulate myself better I will sing a different tune. CPTSD is a horrible thing.
Connection is something I long for more than anything else. I am discovering that the problem I have with connecting to others is not because of others it is because of me. Like you, my inability to connect, even when I am with people that I know love me, produces an excruciating loneliness. I don't believe that I have the capacity to actually know what healthy connection is.
I believe the deep emptiness I feel is directly connected to the loss of connection as a child. I was denied that connection when my basic needs should have been met through touch, embrace, and tenderness. When I hurt I was not comforted. When I'd cry I would receive punishment. There were no cooing words, no wiping away of tears and no gentle kisses to mollify my fears and sorrow. I think that loss of connection is the poisoned well from which my other troubles have sprung. The moment to meet that ingrained need is past forever.
I have been told that need can be met by me. That I can comfort and nurture that part of me that languishes in isolation. This seems foreign to me. The need is predicated on a primal desire that was denied. It cries out for maternal connection. I, who have no real ability to connect, would be a poor substitute for whatever past needs had been neglected.
Out of this loss has grown a self protective layer. It is a force field that has organically grown around me. Inside of me the thought of being hurt and rejected again is frightening. I never learned what real loving connection actually consists of. How do you open up completely when a vital part of you has been violently crippled? I'm not certain I will ever find the answer.
The part of me that is wrapped in darkness is forever stunted. It cannot be healed. At least I don't believe it can at the moment. Maybe at some future time I will see things differently. The only thing that could heal the broken child inside of me is a mother's love. I shall never have that. No one can be a surrogate for that, not even me.
There are days when the emptiness and aloneness I feel is so strong that I feel lost. It is oppressive, a tyrant that crushes my soul. I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it. It is a merciless enemy that will not allow me to rest or find comfort. Some days are far worse than others. Yet, this thing is my constant companion.
The EMDR is helpful, although I haven't had consistent weekly session because of my dysregulation. The emotions are difficult to deal with. My T has been a blessing to me. She doesn't push nor does she ever appear impatient. I have to say that I have grown to trust her and look forward to our session.
Maybe once the EMDR has been fully explored and I have learned to regulate myself better I will sing a different tune. CPTSD is a horrible thing.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
March 27, 2025, 05:50:30 PM
I seriously believe that the impact of trauma is a conundrum to those seeking to help trauma survivors. This might be the reason why there are so many different therapies and approaches to the issue. I have come to believe that there is no "cure" for childhood trauma. There is only mitigation. The severity of the mental, emotional and moral injury can only be suppressed and minimized. Obviously, the memories never die. Though we may be able to learn to react with less severity the battle for inward peace is never ending.
I have been in therapy on and off for the last 10 years. Much of the therapy has been unhelpful. My recent therapist has done the most to help guide me through this wilderness. I have learned many techniques to try to calm myself and pull myself out of dissociation, etc. Though those things give some respite the underlying cause is still present. The trauma always seems to captivate my mind.
This is not meant to be a reflection on those who have dedicated their lives to helping trauma victims. It is only a recognition of the frailty of human understanding. The damage done to me is hidden. It is a not visible to the eye. The part of me that was broken by my tormentors cannot be set like a broken arm. No medicine can blunt the pain, no surgery can correct the damage. It is a purely subjective battle. The therapist only knows what I tell her or what she observes of my body language, words and attitude. The heart of my problem is an enigma to her as much as it is to me. In most instances I haven't the words to remotely describe what I'm feeling of needing. She has to work off of conjecture. It is obviously a flawed and inexact process.
This doesn't mean I have no hope. Although, hope is a commodity that is hard to come by. If I lose hope then I am lost. When I first started therapy I had hoped that I would get better, that the pain would be gone forever. I'm not sure that will ever happen. I am looking for something more practical, I believe. I am looking for the ability to recognize the pain and channel it into something better. I want the suffering of my childhood to make me an empathetic and caring person. I want to let the pain remind me of how blessed I am to be alive and enjoy my wife, children and grandchildren. I want it to remind me that my children have been spared the same fate. If I can achieve this then I will feel victorious. I'm not there yet, but I am moving in that direction.
I have been in therapy on and off for the last 10 years. Much of the therapy has been unhelpful. My recent therapist has done the most to help guide me through this wilderness. I have learned many techniques to try to calm myself and pull myself out of dissociation, etc. Though those things give some respite the underlying cause is still present. The trauma always seems to captivate my mind.
This is not meant to be a reflection on those who have dedicated their lives to helping trauma victims. It is only a recognition of the frailty of human understanding. The damage done to me is hidden. It is a not visible to the eye. The part of me that was broken by my tormentors cannot be set like a broken arm. No medicine can blunt the pain, no surgery can correct the damage. It is a purely subjective battle. The therapist only knows what I tell her or what she observes of my body language, words and attitude. The heart of my problem is an enigma to her as much as it is to me. In most instances I haven't the words to remotely describe what I'm feeling of needing. She has to work off of conjecture. It is obviously a flawed and inexact process.
This doesn't mean I have no hope. Although, hope is a commodity that is hard to come by. If I lose hope then I am lost. When I first started therapy I had hoped that I would get better, that the pain would be gone forever. I'm not sure that will ever happen. I am looking for something more practical, I believe. I am looking for the ability to recognize the pain and channel it into something better. I want the suffering of my childhood to make me an empathetic and caring person. I want to let the pain remind me of how blessed I am to be alive and enjoy my wife, children and grandchildren. I want it to remind me that my children have been spared the same fate. If I can achieve this then I will feel victorious. I'm not there yet, but I am moving in that direction.
#11
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
February 17, 2025, 02:36:02 PM
They were really good people. I am fortunate to have met them.
#12
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
February 17, 2025, 01:41:05 PM
It has been a while since I posted on here. Though I do read what others have written and empathize with the struggles of many. I also rejoice in the victories others have experienced.
The following is a discussion about religion, so I will add a *TRIGGER WARNING* here.
Up until I was 19 years of age I wallowed in the darkness created for me by others. Though I added to that darkness by my own poor choices. I was a broken young man with no hope and no future. I kept myself inebriated as often as possible and surrendered to my violent impulses constantly. There were times of restraint, but only when restraint best suited my needs. It wasn't out of conscience but our of a sense of survival.
At the age of 19 I came in contact with a family who showed me great compassion. They were kind and patient. Seemed unfazed by my outbursts of anger and less than exemplary lifestyle. The mother knew I didn't have a home and would feed me and offered me their basement to live in. The basement was better than the street so I accepted. They treated me with respect, something I was not used to experiencing.
This was a Christian family. They would invite me to join in their family prayer sessions. The first time I ever heard my name mentioned to God in prayer was in their home. Eventually I went to church with them and became a Christian.
I know many have had horribly negative experiences with religion. This is not an attempt to deny that experience or minimize it, i just wanted to share an important milestone in my life.
The discipling and structure that the Church offered was something that was lacking in my life. I had no discipline nor did I have any structured path for living my life. From my church experience I learned the value of prayer. I learned to have compassion on others who had suffered great loss and pain. I learned that all people deserved to be respected and loved.
That all sounds utopian, but it wasn't. The struggle inside me was still alive. Though I had a new perspective on life I still had to deal with the demons of my past. At first things improved for me, but over time the abuse of the past took its toll.
Sadly, at that time, the Church didn't believe in therapy and looked down on the use of it. The church also failed at understanding the impact of years of abuse on a person's life. In the spiritual realm they offered consolation and hope. In the brokenness of one's life the application of the spiritual was missing. It was a prevalent thought that one's connection to God would cure everything and nullify every vestige of the past. I found it didn't work that way.
In my inward struggle I was left to fend for myself. Such advice as, "Quit living in the past" or "You're not trusting God" only increased the weight of self-loathing and guilt. I found great comfort in reading the scripture and exercising myself in prayer, but little comfort from those who were in the rank and file of the church.
Because of the callousness of people in the church many have cast off faith altogether, I understand this. If it hadn't been for the consolation I received when I moved from atheism to Christianity I would have been discouraged as well. I wasn't raised in a religious home so I wasn't taught to reject it through the hypocritical example of a dysfunctional family.
There is no inconsistency, in my mind between joy in faith and the psychological struggles of CPTSD. There are many times that CPTSD overshadows faith and renders it inert. Though I take comfort in the stories of Elijah, Job, Jeremiah and even Jesus himself who each suffered under the burdens of life. I have read and reread the struggle of Jesus in the garden. The weight of fear and anxiety brought him to sweat blood. His humanity was not subsumed in His divinity.
So, I continue to wrestle with despair, aloneness, self-doubt and self-loathing. Nightmares, flashbacks and dissociation are a part of this struggle. I believe we are all spiritual beings. Bodies with souls. It is our humanity that amplifies our suffering. The weakness and imperfection of our understanding, magnified by the abuse, meanness and sometimes brutality by others as broken as we, they makes life hard.
I will continue to pray and read the Bible. I will continue to attend worship and fellowship with others who share common beliefs. I will also continue to hope for and end this painful existence. And for now I will struggle on trying to make sense of the unthinkable. Struggling to lose this weight that presses me down. Weeping in the night over the loss of love and tenderness I should have enjoyed as a child, feeling detached from the happiness and laughter of others.
If you made it this far thanks for taking the time to read.
The following is a discussion about religion, so I will add a *TRIGGER WARNING* here.
Up until I was 19 years of age I wallowed in the darkness created for me by others. Though I added to that darkness by my own poor choices. I was a broken young man with no hope and no future. I kept myself inebriated as often as possible and surrendered to my violent impulses constantly. There were times of restraint, but only when restraint best suited my needs. It wasn't out of conscience but our of a sense of survival.
At the age of 19 I came in contact with a family who showed me great compassion. They were kind and patient. Seemed unfazed by my outbursts of anger and less than exemplary lifestyle. The mother knew I didn't have a home and would feed me and offered me their basement to live in. The basement was better than the street so I accepted. They treated me with respect, something I was not used to experiencing.
This was a Christian family. They would invite me to join in their family prayer sessions. The first time I ever heard my name mentioned to God in prayer was in their home. Eventually I went to church with them and became a Christian.
I know many have had horribly negative experiences with religion. This is not an attempt to deny that experience or minimize it, i just wanted to share an important milestone in my life.
The discipling and structure that the Church offered was something that was lacking in my life. I had no discipline nor did I have any structured path for living my life. From my church experience I learned the value of prayer. I learned to have compassion on others who had suffered great loss and pain. I learned that all people deserved to be respected and loved.
That all sounds utopian, but it wasn't. The struggle inside me was still alive. Though I had a new perspective on life I still had to deal with the demons of my past. At first things improved for me, but over time the abuse of the past took its toll.
Sadly, at that time, the Church didn't believe in therapy and looked down on the use of it. The church also failed at understanding the impact of years of abuse on a person's life. In the spiritual realm they offered consolation and hope. In the brokenness of one's life the application of the spiritual was missing. It was a prevalent thought that one's connection to God would cure everything and nullify every vestige of the past. I found it didn't work that way.
In my inward struggle I was left to fend for myself. Such advice as, "Quit living in the past" or "You're not trusting God" only increased the weight of self-loathing and guilt. I found great comfort in reading the scripture and exercising myself in prayer, but little comfort from those who were in the rank and file of the church.
Because of the callousness of people in the church many have cast off faith altogether, I understand this. If it hadn't been for the consolation I received when I moved from atheism to Christianity I would have been discouraged as well. I wasn't raised in a religious home so I wasn't taught to reject it through the hypocritical example of a dysfunctional family.
There is no inconsistency, in my mind between joy in faith and the psychological struggles of CPTSD. There are many times that CPTSD overshadows faith and renders it inert. Though I take comfort in the stories of Elijah, Job, Jeremiah and even Jesus himself who each suffered under the burdens of life. I have read and reread the struggle of Jesus in the garden. The weight of fear and anxiety brought him to sweat blood. His humanity was not subsumed in His divinity.
So, I continue to wrestle with despair, aloneness, self-doubt and self-loathing. Nightmares, flashbacks and dissociation are a part of this struggle. I believe we are all spiritual beings. Bodies with souls. It is our humanity that amplifies our suffering. The weakness and imperfection of our understanding, magnified by the abuse, meanness and sometimes brutality by others as broken as we, they makes life hard.
I will continue to pray and read the Bible. I will continue to attend worship and fellowship with others who share common beliefs. I will also continue to hope for and end this painful existence. And for now I will struggle on trying to make sense of the unthinkable. Struggling to lose this weight that presses me down. Weeping in the night over the loss of love and tenderness I should have enjoyed as a child, feeling detached from the happiness and laughter of others.
If you made it this far thanks for taking the time to read.
#13
Therapy / Re: Wanting to flee
January 02, 2025, 06:55:40 PM
I have been lucky having a therapist who has some understanding of trauma. I don't believe she was trained to deal with trauma, but she is studious and gaining a better grasp on the effects of trauma. She has been very helpful to me for which I am grateful. However, in the area where I live it is difficult to find someone who has been trained in dealing with CPTSD.
I have seen several therapist over the last 10 years and none seemed to understand what I was facing. Of course I didn't know what was wrong with me. So the ignorance between us was not helpful at all. Most therapists, like doctors, have protocols they seem to follow. It is kind of a one size fits all approach.
Anyway, if my therapist were to leave or feel we needed to part it would affect me greatly. Partly because I trust her and partly because I know it would take a long time to find someone that would understand my struggle.
I agree with PapaCoco that we are lonely people. The deep abiding aloneness that I feel on a daily basis is painful. I am not sure, for me, that the need to be loved will ever be satisfied. It amazes me how the actions of family can so impact the trajectory of one's life and self concept. I will be 69 years old this month and in all my years the one constant has been the sense of being utterly alone.
I will, however, keep hoping for better days.
I have seen several therapist over the last 10 years and none seemed to understand what I was facing. Of course I didn't know what was wrong with me. So the ignorance between us was not helpful at all. Most therapists, like doctors, have protocols they seem to follow. It is kind of a one size fits all approach.
Anyway, if my therapist were to leave or feel we needed to part it would affect me greatly. Partly because I trust her and partly because I know it would take a long time to find someone that would understand my struggle.
I agree with PapaCoco that we are lonely people. The deep abiding aloneness that I feel on a daily basis is painful. I am not sure, for me, that the need to be loved will ever be satisfied. It amazes me how the actions of family can so impact the trajectory of one's life and self concept. I will be 69 years old this month and in all my years the one constant has been the sense of being utterly alone.
I will, however, keep hoping for better days.
#14
Depression / Re: Depression Meds
January 02, 2025, 06:32:50 PM
When I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015 I was put on several medicines. One was Venlafaxine. Over the next 4 years I was on a wide variety of different medications. I was unable to function. I developed involuntary muscle spasms. I had tremors, etc. I decided to quit all the meds which was a huge mistake. I had to resume them and wean myself off.
The worst was Venlafaxine. It took me nearly 8 months to completely stop that pill. The withdrawal symptoms were horrendous. I would never take any pill like that again. I wonder sometimes if the doctors actually know these meds help or just go by what the pharmaceutical sales rep tells them.
One thing that has helped me with depression has been a change in diet along with exercise. Both together seem to help immensely. I still deal with depression, but not the scale it was 10 years ago. I'm looking into Spravato (esketamine), which is FDA approved. I haven't started it yet, but I have read good reports about its efficacy.
The worst was Venlafaxine. It took me nearly 8 months to completely stop that pill. The withdrawal symptoms were horrendous. I would never take any pill like that again. I wonder sometimes if the doctors actually know these meds help or just go by what the pharmaceutical sales rep tells them.
One thing that has helped me with depression has been a change in diet along with exercise. Both together seem to help immensely. I still deal with depression, but not the scale it was 10 years ago. I'm looking into Spravato (esketamine), which is FDA approved. I haven't started it yet, but I have read good reports about its efficacy.
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
December 16, 2024, 09:04:12 PM
Thanks everyone.
I appreciate everyone's response.
Narckiddo, you did not overstep any boundaries. I'm grateful for your input.
Thanks for your encouragement DesertFlower.
Armee, thanks for the hugs.
I appreciate everyone's response.
Narckiddo, you did not overstep any boundaries. I'm grateful for your input.
Thanks for your encouragement DesertFlower.
Armee, thanks for the hugs.