Messages

Thanks Chart. I have been naking headway. I don't want to take this moment for granted. 

NarcKiddo, I know a lot of people who hate the holidays. I'm glad they end for me after the new year. It has to be hard to deal with all the way up until March. So many bad things happened, but many good things have happened since my exodus from my family. They're all gone so I don't have that to contend with. No one to feel obligated to see. I hope you have seasons of peace. 

It has been a while since I last checked in. Life moves inexorably forward. 

I do want to report that I have been making good progress in relation to my cptsd. The EMDR seems to help even if it seems it shouldn't. I find myself less apt to lose my patience, though at times it is a struggle. The feelings of aloneness are less frequent, but not less disturbing when they come. 

The aloneness has been a consistent part of my life. Though I can now shake myself out of it on occasion it wins more than not. I am grateful for the progress. There is so much damage that has to be undone. I have to keep reminding myself that healing is a process. It takes time. 

We are moving into the holiday season, which usually takes its toll on me. Every year I am determined to do better and every year I fail. I at least have a consistent track record. haha  I am hoping this year will be different, or at least better. 

One blessing for me is that all the people who harmed me have passed so I don't have to deal with them anymore. However, the lingering memories and past pain have not died with them. Memory is harder to conquer, but I am getting there.

That's all I wanted to say. I am grateful for everyone here.

Just to clarify. I wrote the poem and had an AI program create the music and vocals. I'm not a musician. Haha. I wish I could create music like that. 

Kizzie, no it is not me singing. 

This is a poem I created set to music. I hope it has meaning to some of you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qa7OAh9aVs

Thank you, Auro-Rin. 

Wow! What an ordeal! I can't imagine me reacting any different from you. I'm sorry you had to endure that. 

Welcome to the forum em87. 

PC,
I am so sorry for the things you have endured. In spite of it all you are a kind and caring person. 

You have not hijacked my journal. Your posts are always helpful and full of insight. You have been a valuable friend. 

The thing about hope is that as cruel as it seems it still spurs us on to improve ourselves. Hope in unrealistic expectations is where the pain starts. 

I have envisioned myself living free of pain and unmoved by the past. It is a kind of emotional utopia. 

Realistically, the past will always be with me. My desire is to recognize it, contextualize it, and know that it can no longer harm me. It seems simple, but it has been the hardest goal for me to reach. My emotions, brain, and body just don't want to cooperate with my will. 

I'm sure I'll get there someday. 😌 

Thank you. 

It is foolish to believe that life can be easy, but it really is distressing when multiple things come crashing down all at once. I do not handle stress very well, especially now that I am an old man. It seems to be harder to navigate with each passing year.

At 69 I am beyond the apex of time. When I was young I was able to ignore my past, well I didn't really ignore it, it was more like burying it. I could fill my mind and time with other things. I was busy as a pastor and in many cases worked a second job. I buried myself in study and became a voracious reader. I didn't have time to look at the pain inside. For the most part I denied it. I even bragged about how I was able to function in spite of my upbringing. 

Over time that protective layer dissipated and what I thought was buried began to crawl out of the graves I had dug for them. The past was alive in me and would no longer be silent or ignored. In 2015, with the unexpected death of a close friend, the fountains of the deep of my soul broke open. I was on a quick downward spiral. Since that time I have battled this deep scar with limited success. I realized that I had never really functioned at all, I had always been a prisoner of the past.

The echoes of my childhood resound deeply within me. My thoughts, self-concept and reactions are all tied to those years of distress. The patterns of behavior are profoundly imbedded in me. The past has ruled me for decades. I came to realize that I was not as strong or free as I had originally thought. The tentacles of the past are entwined in every aspect of my life. 

Knowing this is a benefit to me. I am now able to recognize the trauma reactions within me. The quickness to anger, the gnawing aloneness, the fear of abandonment and the sense that I am not really worthy of love or care. However, seeing it is different from conquering it. But seeing and knowing it is there gives me an opportunity to face those things and gain some ground against it. It took years for me to be demoralized and it will take a protracted time to work on these things.

I am not sure that I will ever master these defects. Though I am hopeful that I can gain some ground and find some semblance of peace in my life. There is some truth to the old saying, "where there is life, there is hope." Though sometimes I feel like the character on Monk who said, "I hate hopes guts," because sometimes hope isn't enough. In the darkness hope seems to mock your pain. It holds out a promise that you are not able to touch. Those moments hurt more than anything else can. 

Though the pain can be intense and crippling, there are moments of respite when the clouds disperse and the light breaks through. Though few and far between those are the moments I want to remember and hold on to. It is indicative of the promise hope give when we are not drowning in despair. 

All in all, there are good things in life. There is love and, yes, even joy. I want to look at the rainbow that comes after the storm instead of the dark clouds and blustering winds. Sometimes there is beauty in the storm because without it the rainbow would never be created. 

PC, 

As always thanks for your reply. Sorry I hadn't responded earlier.

We are comrades in sorrow. There is much that we have in common. I suppose trauma infects us all in similar ways. The aloneness that I endure, at times, is much more that just feeling sadness. It is a visceral pain that gnaws at my heart and soul. It is a deeply held sense that I am cut off from everything around me. Gratefully, it is not a constant impression, there are times of respite. When it comes, however, it is a crushing weight. My whole sense of being is thrown into turmoil. There is nothing that can assuage it.

Sometimes it can linger for hours. As I'm sure you know it is an agony that is unrelenting. The tools I've learned for grounding seem to have little affect. Though this thing is an impression from the past it dominates the present. I am hopeful that EMDR will help in lessoning the impact. 

Thanks for your kind words. I felt a kinship with you the first moment we interacted. I deeply appreciate your insight and wisdom. I'm glad we are friends.


NK,

Thanks for your response. The inner child concept has been a very hard thing for me to process. I am not closed to the possibility that it will benefit me eventually, though. I think I will have to give it time. Right now it just seems untenable to me. Maybe the real reason is that that child is broken and deformed and I'm not ready to really look at him yet. 

I have those moments as well. It comes unbidden and can last a short or long while. Those moments are quite painful. They are connected to something but I can never figure out what. 

PC,

Connection is something I long for more than anything else. I am discovering that the problem I have with connecting to others is not because of others it is because of me. Like you, my inability to connect, even when I am with people that I know love me, produces an excruciating loneliness. I don't believe that I have the capacity to actually know what healthy connection is. 

I believe the deep emptiness I feel is directly connected to the loss of connection as a child. I was denied that connection when my basic needs should have been met through touch, embrace, and tenderness. When I hurt I was not comforted. When I'd cry I would receive punishment. There were no cooing words, no wiping away of tears and no gentle kisses to mollify my fears and sorrow. I think that loss of connection is the poisoned well from which my other troubles have sprung. The moment to meet that ingrained need is past forever.

I have been told that need can be met by me. That I can comfort and nurture that part of me that languishes in isolation. This seems foreign to me. The need is predicated on a primal desire that was denied. It cries out for maternal connection. I, who have no real ability to connect, would be a poor substitute for whatever past needs had been neglected. 

Out of this loss has grown a self protective layer. It is a force field that has organically grown around me. Inside of me the thought of being hurt and rejected again is frightening. I never learned what real loving connection actually consists of. How do you open up completely when a vital part of you has been violently crippled? I'm not certain I will ever find the answer.

The part of me that is wrapped in darkness is forever stunted. It cannot be healed. At least I don't believe it can at the moment. Maybe at some future time I will see things differently. The only thing that could heal the broken child inside of me is a mother's love. I shall never have that. No one can be a surrogate for that, not even me. 

There are days when the emptiness and aloneness I feel is so strong that I feel lost. It is oppressive, a tyrant that crushes my soul. I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it. It is a merciless enemy that will not allow me to rest or find comfort. Some days are far worse than others. Yet, this thing is my constant companion. 

The EMDR is helpful, although I haven't had consistent weekly session because of my dysregulation. The emotions are difficult to deal with. My T has been a blessing to me. She doesn't push nor does she ever appear impatient. I have to say that I have grown to trust her and look forward to our session. 

Maybe once the EMDR has been fully explored and I have learned to regulate myself better I will sing a different tune. CPTSD is a horrible thing.