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So hey everyone,
I know I'm not consistent here but I guess you'll accept me anyway..
I'm not doing well, quite sad and I don't really understand why.
For some reason I also feel alone and it's weird because I'm surrounded by amazing people who are always there for me in everything. I could pick up the phone right now to three different people and they would all be available for me.
I'm very grateful for that.. but right now I feel loneliness.
Lately I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.. I've started social connections after a few years of being disconnected from the outside world, which is complex and sometimes exciting and pleasant.. but mostly complex..
Social connections are hard for me.. I don't even know if I'm interested in them. If I want friendships right now. I have my amazing relationship of nearly five years and I'm very happy in it.. but when it comes to friends, I'm full of anxiety. I don't know how to act, or at least that's what my insecurity is telling me. I feel small in the face of the situation and it's miserable. But I am improving, it's just tiring.
On another note, my partner and I are moving to a different city.. it will be different and it means I'm going to leave all the people who support me in the city I live in now.. it involves difficult goodbyes, and I don't have the strength for it.
I feel like disconnecting from reality right now.. feeling a bit overwhelmed.. the flashbacks are eating me alive.
And I have no energy.
Anyway, happy to write to you.. happy to be part of this community even though the circumstances are terrible.. you are special people.. thank you. Have a wonderful day.

Hi everyone,

I took a break from the forum for a while... I was busy...
I'm going through a lot... This is a safe place where I feel I can come back to, that you will all accept me...
Lately I'm in intensive therapy with my therapist... We're in a difficult process of opening up past traumas... So many things are surfacing now... Sometimes it feels like the memories and flashbacks are stronger than me... That I won't be able to get through this in life, that I can't breathe from all this evil.
I can't connect emotionally to the moments that were then... I hope I'm explaining this clearly because it's hard to explain...
But I'm simply in the process of trying to connect to those moments when everything was lost...
A difficult date is also approaching, the date I was first sexually abused.... Trying not to think about it, but it will arrive in another week even if I don't want it to, I have no choice... Just get through it...
I started volunteering in mental first aid in a chat... I help people in distress as much as I can.
It's hard but it's important... I feel there is development in my process... I feel that contributing helps me flourish.
I also started going to a space for girls who have experienced CPTSD and I feel good there... It's socially complex but it's going well for me... The girls are lovely but I have social difficulties, it's hard for me to open up sometimes and be myself and I know how important it is, but I do everything to belong.
Sometimes everything I go through feels heavy and overwhelming, everyone is proud of me but it's hard for me to feel it too... I'm going through a lot at home with my boyfriend...
We're fine but there are all sorts of issues that are pressing and burdensome right now.
This world is hard, it's hard to survive... Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating, I guess you'll understand me...
I'm developing but always afraid of the next fall that's going to come. Sometimes I feel like I have no chance of overcoming the difficulties, but I try anyway.
Thank you for being here for me and for everyone else...
You are an amazing community and I'm happy to be a part of it...
Thank you and have a good day...

Rizzo, how did you know I was in an ef? Thanks, your post was a welcome reminder of a lot that I'd forgotten (especially #12).
Thanks 

HAPPY TO HEAR, 

Hey everyone, I feel the need to update you and share...
So, I'm in a psychiatric hospitalization due to CPTSD with a sexual background.
I've been here for two weeks and have one more week left.
I'm very bummed, feeling like I'm missing out. I'm overwhelmed by the things that have come up in therapy here. I'm a mess.
I feel like I haven't used my time here optimally until now.
I feel like I'm in a storm that's swallowing me. A lot of flashbacks and traumas are surfacing.
I'm trying to salvage the time I have left here and make the most of every minute.
Hoping this last week will be more successful than the last two.
Thank you, I feel like you're enveloping and supporting me. Really, thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

This is My Version of the 13 Steps to Cope with Flashbacks

1. Tell yourself: "I'm experiencing a flashback, it's okay, you're here, not there." Sometimes it feels like everything is taking over, like there's no difference between the past and the present... but you're here, with the people you love.

2. What you're experiencing right now is a memory from the past and not part of your present**, no one can hurt you anymore because you're taking care of yourself - remember that.

3. Recognize your right and your need to set boundaries.** You are your own person and you have the control and the power to decide what happens on your side. Always take care of yourself, protect yourself. You can do it!

4. Talk to your inner child, connect with her.** She felt a lot of pain in the past, let her be. Remind yourself that you are no longer in that place, but still, hug her and don't judge her.

5. Remember that you've had a million flashbacks, and there will probably be more in the future.** The feelings they bring up sometimes feel unbearable and the lack of control is maddening. But it will pass and go just as it came.

6. Remind yourself that you are in the present time, who you are now and not what you were in the past.** This gives a sense of security. Try to get out of the place where you feel small, you are big and independent now, not what you were in your past. You have the ability to protect yourself right now.

7. Gently and with control, return to yourself.** The flashback causes a disconnect from your body. Try these steps:
    a. Ask your body to relax gently** - tense your muscles, sit if you're lying down, move yourself, shake yourself.
    b. Do breathing exercises like 4X4 or mindful breathing.**
    c. Be patient and take your time.**
    d. Find a pleasant and safe place to calm yourself** - wrap yourself in a blanket, hug someone if there is a person near you (if touch doesn't bother you), sit on the floor and comfort yourself with kind words or music.
    e. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it.** Try to release it, but remember that fear is just a physical sensation. Take care of yourself and don't react to it in a destructive way.

8. Try to soften the self-criticism and find opposite alternatives for yourself.**
    a. Say no to yourself when judgmental criticism arises.** Firmly refuse to simply let it flow and move within.
    b. Try to replace the critical thought with a developing and pleasant thought.** Think of a list of good qualities that you do have.

9. **Allow yourself to grieve, be disappointed, angry, and hurt.** Afterward, soothe the child in you who is now experiencing helplessness. It's healthy to turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

10. Nurture the relationships you've built.** Be proud of yourself for them, you deserve it. Take your time if you need to be alone and process. Communicate your difficulties to your loved ones, don't hold back anything.

11. Remember and learn more about your triggers.** Avoid going back to those places, to those people, and protect yourself from those difficult places. Also, at some point, try to cope in your own time and don't avoid it forever.

12. Understand why you're experiencing the flashback.** Not during! But after. A flashback is an opportunity to understand more about ourselves and discover the parts that were traumatized. They can also develop your needs more accurately. Don't be afraid of it, explore yourself.

13. Be patient with your personal recovery process.** It takes time to calm down, give space, and reduce the tension and difficult feeling in the body. True recovery happens gradually, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon - remember that. Don't be angry with yourself for having flashbacks now, it's not your fault. It takes time, don't rush.

Hi Rizzo. I'm hoping you're getting the help you need to get through this. I'm so sorry for your suffering. Sending much love and support. Please write and keep us updated how you are doing.
 

I will.. thank you
a hug, if that's okay. 

Rizzo, have a search on the forum here there's lots of references to emdr. I also like to search YouTube for good explanations. Hope that helps!
 

Thank you 

Hi everyone,

I'm interested in learning a bit about EMDR therapy. Can someone who's tried it or is familiar with it explain it to me?
Thank you in advance and have a good day! 

Hi Rizzo

I'm new to the board but wanted to reach out to say that I feel for you, and hope that you can get the help and support you need soon.  I'm also at an all-time low and struggling.  I wonder whether a separate board would be good on the forum for people who are in crisis, or in extremis, to gather support from the community at crucial times.

A warm hug 

Thank you for the kind words. warm hug back.   

Hi Rizzo,

Just wondering how you're doing now. 

Hi, I wrote an update again. Thanks for your interest and concern. Sending a hug if it feels comfortable for you.

Hi Rizzo,
Thank you for your update, and I'm glad you feel safe there.  I am also rooting for you.   Sending you a hug of support, if that feels ok 
Hope 

Rizzo, I can´t really put into words how much I wish you all the best in this process. I´m so sorry for all the pain you feel at this moment and I just wanted to say that you are very brave making this huge step. And I want you to know that you are not alone. Rooting for you with all my heart. 

I'm really touched by your words. Thank you very much. Returning the hug if that's comfortable for you. 

Hi, this is Rizzo here.
I wrote a post about waiting to be hospitalized. So I was finally hospitalized. I'm in a psychiatric ward for women with CPTSD due to sexual trauma. I'm trying to help myself after a difficult period of flashbacks, dissociation, and nightmares.
I won't be able to put into words the pain I'm feeling right now.
I feel like everything is too much for me.  That this life is too much for me.
But for the people I love, I will stay strong... At least I will try as much as I can.
I feel safe here. There's another girl with me in the ward. This is a special place for girls like me... I'm glad I have this safe place in the world.
But the pain... the pain is unbearable. I'm experiencing flashbacks that I feel are eating me alive.
I'm trying so hard to move on and continue with my day but it's too hard.
Trying not to take a lot of SOS pills... but it's hard.
Thank you for your time and listening.
Wishing all of us better days. 

 

Rizzo, it's good you reached out here.

I hope your inpatient stay comes soonest!

I've been inpatient quite a few times over the years. Always a little scary - what's going to come up? What feelings of mine might get stirred up? otoh I will get help! Looking forward to going inpatient often helps shift my priorities at home a bit, like I don't have to attempt to solve all my problems before I go inpatient, which helps me calm down and maybe just concentrate on what I can do for the moment, even if that's just checking out these lists https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0 and seeing if any appeal - to read, to add your own posts...

Good luck with your stay, I wish you the best therapists and doctors who can help you on your way.  

Thank you very much! I will definitely read more.
I appreciate the response.

I'm in a difficult place right now. I'm experiencing a significant decline in my mental health.
I've been waiting for a psychiatric hospitalization for almost two months now.
Trying to find ways to cope with the difficulties on my own.
I have a supportive environment but still, feel alone.
I just want the hospitalization to come already
and for this suffering to end.
Just wanted to share where I'm at right now..