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I developed mine in adulthood. Mine came from abuse at the hands of my employer who showed all the symptoms of having a personality disorder. I wasn't his only victim and the ones that I met or talked to show long lasting mental problems from the trauma he inflicted. He dropped an atomic bomb on my world.

Hey everyone,
I'm back after a break. Life is sometimes a rollercoaster. I was feeling stable for a while then hit with a massive relapse. Needed to talk to some people who get me because it doesn't feel like people get me lately or care to. Does anyone else ever feel like people just don't understand that their words and actions can completely derail our peace and send us spiraling with symptoms? To make it worse, in my case I just finished getting scolded for being an annoyance while I could not control my anxiety. Sometimes I'd just like to hit some people upside the head with a book about what I am going through. I don't need scolding. I need understanding because nobody hates being like that more than me. Rant over.

Ok. I'm going to take a crack at this and try to share what I'm learning(emphasize learning) about forgiveness. Sorry if this gets long.

When we are kids we learn forgiveness from our parents/teachers/etc  You hear a sorry and you forgive as an automatic response even if we are still angry, hurt, etc. We have to just suppress that because you hear a sorry and are to "get over it". I think that screws us all up as we grow up. We never learn that forgiveness is a process and the sorry has really nothing to do with it.

Fast forward to adult and now I'm in a situation where someone violated me on the deepest levels of being human and that trauma has completely altered who I am, how my brain works and how I associate with others. This person is never going to say sorry. They are incapable of feeling guilt, compassion, empathy needed to apologize. My brain can't comprehend forgiveness other than what I know in childhood. Well that really screws me up. I spend hours and hours reliving what happened to me. To try to cope, I try to understand why it happened to me. I still can't forgive. My brain can't comprehend saying it was okay that someone f****d me up this bad. That's what forgiveness is right? You hurt me but that's okay, right? It is a completely crushing picture that squashes out everything good. It dictates my entire life and I don't know how to make myself feel better. I'm helpless. My abuser now controls my life without more than his initial effort.

Then I hear forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. What a load of crock, I think. Still can't comprehend what forgiveness is. Then I pick up this book, "The Book of Forgiving". Suddenly I start to see another perspective of forgiveness that I did not understand and that was really empowering. I'm no expert, but I'm starting to pick up points that start to give me hope that forward is a direction.

Forgiveness gives you the power to cut the connection to your abuse/trauma and the people who inflicted it. Forgiveness is partially about acceptance of what happened. Acceptance does not mean you are okay with it. It simply means that you understand that you cannot change that it did. The who, what, where, when, why that I was replaying would not change that it happened. Tell your story as much as needed to get to this place.

Then comes the hard work. Another aspect of forgiveness is digging into the hurt left over from the trauma. What are you feeling? All of it. Anger, shame, sadness, confusion, helplessness, etc. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Understand it and how it affects who you are and your life. Shame is such a big one for me. I realized that I hold on to what he did to me, because I hate what it made me. I hated me essentially. I should have stopped it. If I had done something different. I don't respect who I am now. That is a dangerous feeling when it festers unchecked.

Eventually you hit a point that, I think I'm kind of understanding as you feel as though you can move forward without the story and the pain dictating your life. I'm not saying that you will be who you were and everything will be forgotten. It's more like finding peace with yourself and what happened.This is forgiveness, I think. Rather than suppressing or pushing aside, pains by hearing a sorry, it is instead working through a situation to the point that you are ready to let it be. It does not exonerate the perpetrator. I think they mean very little in it. It is a process meant completely for YOUR healing and your empowerment. It does not happen fast and you may have to revisit steps multiple times until you are comfortable to move forward.

Then when you reach that point, you get to decide how to proceed. You can renew the relationship or release it. If it isn't good for you, you can let it go. You have that power. You don't have to ever have any connection to that person/people ever again. If you choose to renew, it doesn't mean you have to be close and loving. You acknowledge who the person really is and you can set boundaries and dictate the kind of terms that will keep you healthy and moving forward.

The book also addressed two other types of forgiving. Forgiveness of self and asking forgiveness. Those are important in healing our cptsd I think. We often carry shame towards ourselves for what happened and guilt for how our condition hurts the relationships around us.

Now people may think I'm crazy for this. I'm not as thorough or articulate as the book was and I'm still relearning this new idea of forgiveness. It was an excellent guide though in working through it. Kind of gave me a big, girl understanding of how it is possible for people to forgive some horrible stuff. Forgiveness really is all about me. If I never saw him again, I still have the right to get to a place where I find peace in the present and turn my energy from reliving my past to working towards my future.

Hopefully that might help some people who want to explore it.

I found benefit in "The Time Cure" by Philip Zimbardo when it came to addressing the huge, crushing, all consuming picture of my trauma and the effect it was having on my ability to perceive my past, present and future. In all honesty, that book gave me hope that I could see a past, present and future again in a healthy way.

I also really benefited from all the works of Brene Brown. (The gifts of imperfection, Daring greatly, rising strong) I watched a lot of her conversations with Oprah on youtube. I had deep shame from what I went through and I didn't even realize it. It had a big impact on my relationships with others as it festered. She makes shame so human and I appreciate that.

Finally, I was profoundly impacted by "The Book of Forgiving" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. I did not understand what forgiveness was until I read this book. I had heard people say forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself, but I could not comprehend that considering the damage inflicted on my life with no remorse. Wow. Reading it was an awakening. It was filled with wonderful meditations and journaling exercises that respected the pain and the healing and the time such a process takes. Not only did it address forgiving others, but it addressed forgiving yourself and asking for forgiveness from others. I hope others aren't turned away by the traditional thought that forgiveness is somehow exonerating the perpetrator of our pain. It is really a book about freeing yourself from the shackles of that pain and no longer defining yourself by it.

I don't think you have to go into detail if you aren't comfortable with it, Dee. It's great that you feel good/comfortable with her so don't feel pressured to do anything that will tarnish those feelings of security and safety.

For myself the minor details of the nightmare were less important than telling my subconscious self how to deal. Like I knew the recurring theme/gist of what was going to happen. I needed dream me to take a stand to stop it. When dream me finally said no this isn't happening like this, the nightmare ended.

Now, I don't know if there is one right way to treat our problems. Like if I had to recount the detail of the trauma constantly, I would be more of a mess. Visualization did not work for me. We tried to make me feel secure and safe and all it seemed to do was make the trauma feel more powerful instead of minimize it. That doesn't mean it won't work for everyone.

I think the most important thing is that you let your therapists know what is and isn't working for you. Remember you are the one in charge of your healing path. They may be professionals, but there is no one that knows you better than you. They are support and if something doesn't work, then you both look into other avenues until you find something that feels right to you.

Dee,
I do believe that is what it is called. It's a way to desensitize yourself. I understand the struggle though and eventually it will get easier to work through. If you don't mind me asking how has your therapist suggested you rewrite your nightmares? Like does he/she want you to rewrite the entire thing until you are desensitized or simply give yourself a new ending?

I found by taking control of the ending, it seemed to take power away from the beginning. It was also easier for me to write the nightmare than talk about it. If you can write it once with an ending that makes you feel safe and secure, you can always practice by reading it rather than recalling out loud again and again. Like Three Roses said, when it happens and you have a nightmare and you become lucid and take control of the situation, it is feels really, strangely empowering. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/Smileys/classic/cheer.gif

I don't know if this will be of any help to anyone, but to tackle my recurring nightmares, my therapist had me rewrite the endings in my waking hours. It actually made me more lucid when I slept. Like by using my conscious mind to practice a response that made me feel secure and safe, my subconscious knew how to respond to the terror.

Sliceoflife I just want to say something before I share my stuff. I think in going to therapy, you are really brave. You've chosen to own this incredibly tough situation rather than let it keep owning you.

I totally understand the "therapy hangover". I've been in therapy for over a year and I still get it. Some sessions are good and some are completely draining and I need time to recover and find my footing again. My frustrations with myself sometimes come out as irritability towards my husband and daughter. I've done my best to explain to my husband that it isn't him and I let him know when I'm crashing and need some extra support or help. I also try to make a conscious effort on good days to put real focus on my relationships and role as a wife and mom by spending time with them, showing affection and telling them how proud of them or appreciative and how much I love them.
The journey to recovery certainly isn't instant and it isn't linear, but it is worth it. My biggest breakthroughs though have come talking through my darkness. In therapy I've discovered a lot about me and what works and what doesn't. At home, I've worked hard on how I speak to me. Instead of focusing on how broken I am, I celebrate the smallest of victories. (ie. going to the store alone, taking my daughter to school, sticking up for myself....basically anything that is tough on the day to day and may be taken for granted to other people). I can honestly say that the hard work is paying off because I have experienced moments of happiness again finally. Allowing yourself to feel the dark also allows in the light and I can tell you from experience that those moments are more profound than any happiness I ever felt before.

So keep working on it. You've admitted a problem, you are going to therapy, you are on a page sharing your experience with a bunch of strangers. You are a testament that you are stronger than you feel.

Thank you so much Three Roses. I actually brought up my relationships more in my last therapy appointment. It really helped to discuss some really honest feelings and frustrations that I have bottled up. I've contemplated volunteering and I think I'll make that a goal to work towards. After therapy I realize that I still have work to do before I can reach out and feel secure with new people.

Hi,
This is my first time posting. My c-ptsd arose from workplace harassment. In the beginning, I was honestly terrified. I didn't understand what I was going through. Thankfully, I eventually admitted that I had a problem and sought help from therapy. I've still got a lot of work to do, but I am taking small steps forward which feel really huge to me.

One problem I have encountered is loneliness. I mean, I have a supportive husband and a caring family and I am blessed for that, but I kind of miss having friends. Unfortunately, my work was my world. When that world came crashing down, I lost almost every friend that I had. Most people were uncomfortable with my situation and my injury so they just stopped associating with me. A couple of people still talk to me, but  are distanced because I hurt them in my turmoil and frustrations. I really feel sorry about that.

Sadly, I miss those connections. I think finding connection is important in regaining some sense of control of my life. I don't expect to ever be who I was, but I don't want to be defined by this. I am still a person. I'd be interested in any advice anyone has in combatting loneliness, making new friends or even repairing damage done.