I'm distracted a bit as I start to write this, because I had to read a lot to try and choose the right place to post this, and don't know if I've done so...
I mostly need to vent. My life is *, and I've been actively wanting to die for years (but haven't tried doing it myself after a previously failed attempt a few years ago). I mean, saying it out loud, even singing about it. Almost every day, just wishing I'd die.
Actually I can't even write what I felt to write, my mind is a mess just trying to make the post, and so the feeling part is muddled with hunger and pain. But ... let's see. I've been living in a student room for the last four months. This is because after years of instability, I took up residence in the Netherlands to settle down. There is a horrible housing crisis though. I turned 44 in a student room, and don't know where this ends. Really, it just gets so bad to go into details, I mean the situation really is so dire, I can't even think about it. If I don't have an alternative by 5pm tomorrow, I will be locked into more months here (new agreement). I don't have alternatives at this point unless I simply leave the country and trash my residency and any hope of stability. Can't do that. Also can't go on like this. I've barely been sleeping the last two weeks, I feel like * in this place. I have to use earbuds 24/7 because of the noise, which is now causing me headaches, dizziness, and more pain. I have pain from trauma stuff every day - stabbing pain in my eyeballs, spinal pain, leg pain, acute pain anywhere and everywhere. It can be difficult to walk at times. I am alone. I have no one here. I have no one, generally speaking, in life. I have no therapist. I have no job. I have no income. I have no friends. I have no partner. I have no pets. I basically spend every day just either trying to solve, or avoid, some of the hundreds of problems I have (but, hey, at least a b&#^h ain't one - joke, I'm not sexist in the least).
I don't see any other way, at this point.. I mean, I can't move forward with any of the scenarios that appear to be available to me. I can't. It's not 'tolerating it short-term.' That's what I've been trying to do already, and it's now been YEARS. I have no energy left. I can barely bring myself to write this post. I feel so tired and sick there are days I literally don't think to eat. I'm probably rather dehydrated, as well.
Anyway, I hope I die. I really hope I die before 5pm tomorrow. Sooner, really. If my computer could just give me a large enough electric shock it would stop my heart.. That would be so nice. Something..
I mostly need to vent. My life is *, and I've been actively wanting to die for years (but haven't tried doing it myself after a previously failed attempt a few years ago). I mean, saying it out loud, even singing about it. Almost every day, just wishing I'd die.
Actually I can't even write what I felt to write, my mind is a mess just trying to make the post, and so the feeling part is muddled with hunger and pain. But ... let's see. I've been living in a student room for the last four months. This is because after years of instability, I took up residence in the Netherlands to settle down. There is a horrible housing crisis though. I turned 44 in a student room, and don't know where this ends. Really, it just gets so bad to go into details, I mean the situation really is so dire, I can't even think about it. If I don't have an alternative by 5pm tomorrow, I will be locked into more months here (new agreement). I don't have alternatives at this point unless I simply leave the country and trash my residency and any hope of stability. Can't do that. Also can't go on like this. I've barely been sleeping the last two weeks, I feel like * in this place. I have to use earbuds 24/7 because of the noise, which is now causing me headaches, dizziness, and more pain. I have pain from trauma stuff every day - stabbing pain in my eyeballs, spinal pain, leg pain, acute pain anywhere and everywhere. It can be difficult to walk at times. I am alone. I have no one here. I have no one, generally speaking, in life. I have no therapist. I have no job. I have no income. I have no friends. I have no partner. I have no pets. I basically spend every day just either trying to solve, or avoid, some of the hundreds of problems I have (but, hey, at least a b&#^h ain't one - joke, I'm not sexist in the least).
I don't see any other way, at this point.. I mean, I can't move forward with any of the scenarios that appear to be available to me. I can't. It's not 'tolerating it short-term.' That's what I've been trying to do already, and it's now been YEARS. I have no energy left. I can barely bring myself to write this post. I feel so tired and sick there are days I literally don't think to eat. I'm probably rather dehydrated, as well.
Anyway, I hope I die. I really hope I die before 5pm tomorrow. Sooner, really. If my computer could just give me a large enough electric shock it would stop my heart.. That would be so nice. Something..