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Yes, the scars inside.  The external wounds are easy to see. And, we can watch the healing process going on.  Sometimes a visible scar is left behind.  Sometimes there is even pain in that scar for some time. But the emotional wounds, we cant see them.  We can only see the effects that they cause.  We can't really see if we are healing emotionally or festering.  There are so many ups and downs.  We are doing good, then some crazy trigger sends us into a spin.  We feel like a scab has been ripped off a wound and we have to start all over again.  But, maybe we feel that way because we can't actually see healing take place.  I used to work as a nurse.  We had to change dressings all the time and we could see wounds slowly healing.  Sometimes wounds had to be cleaned out to allow healing to continue.  I think we are kind of that way emotionally.  As we start to heal, we have to face things we have either tried to ignore or we just didnt know were there.  When we start facing those buried issues we start hurting more and think we aren't healing.  Anyway, that is just what I see in myself.  When I talk about painful issues I feel terrible for awhile afterward.  It's more comfortable to bury myself in some unrelated game or video.  Sometimes, that is what we have to do for awhile, until we are ready to deal with stuff again.

Hi Rickp, (this could be a trigger warning.)I can relate to the losses and the pain.  My mom died in Dec 2019.  My husband was cheating on me online and sending money to women as I was dealing with her funeral.  In January 2020, I had to have my dog euthanized.  Six months later in June I had to have the other dog put down.  Covid was going on.  My dad was in a nursing home, they wouldn't let me see him.  My husband was still cheating, but I didn't know it at that time.  Oct 2021 my dad was dying, my husbands mother just happened to come to visit at that time.  She didn't like my dad.  She stayed with us a week and then she had a timeshare 45 min away.  All my husband could think about was going to the timeshare.  My dad was in hospice.  He died two days after my birthday.  My mother in law didn't even come to the funeral.  Now, if my mother in law even mentions my parents I fall apart.  Oct 2022 I discovered the extent of my husbands online escapades.  Now, I am emotional wreck especially when I think of my parents.  Don't know if I should share all this or not, but I can say that I understand the pain of loss, and it takes time to recover, especially when there are multiple ones close together.

Welcome to the forum Damaged Fruit.  I am also new to the group.  Somehow we manage to live "normal" lives when we are younger.  But, as life adds to our list of burdens, it gets harder and harder to carry them. I am thankful for a group like this where we can be real.

Hi Wintersnow.  Welcome to the group.  I am also new here.  I am not in a position to give any advice right now.  But, I can relate to a lot of your experiences.  It really is hard to find someone to trust with deep, long term wounds.  Somehow when we are younger we manage to live somewhat "normal" lives.  But, as time goes on we get hit again and again and we feel like that emoticon with the pile of bricks hitting us over the head.  I am thankful for these groups where we can help one another. 

Hi Still Working on This, welcome to the group.  Social isolation is no fun.  I am realizing that social isolation was a big part of my childhood, so I get it.  Making friends and trust is difficult for me too.  It's easier online, and for me it is easier to write things out than to do it face to face.

Hi Blueberry, yes we do have that guilt feeling when we aren't
"doing something useful", especially if we have religious backgrounds.  Sometimes, we just don't have the ability to do what we think we should.  So, if we can do anything to get our mind in a better place, it helps.  Today, started out as a pretty good day, but my mother in law touched on a trigger and my husband and I ended up in a big fight.     Thankfully, I have started seeing a counselor, so I went in and journaled about what had happened, so my counselor will have a heads up.  It helped me so much just to be able to write some of it out and not feel condemned. 

Hi Nasturtium, welcome to the group.  I am also in my late 60's, new to the group and just learning about CPTSD.  Wow, do I ever understand the feeling of not belonging.  It is so great to be able to vent to people who don't expect us to be all together.

Thank you everybody for your kind responses.  I am feeling much better today.  Still at mother in law's house, but everything was peaceful today for me.  I took a walk this morning to get out of the house.  Still, bingeing on puzzles and watching videos on codependencyon YouTube.  I found some that really resonated with me.  I had a misunderstanding of codependency, so it's clearer to me now.

Thanks for the response and the hug.  Yes, hugs are welcome. I really went into shock when I discovered his sexual online activity, the lies and how long he had covered up this nonsense.  The hardest thing was his religious hypocrisy.  It almost gags me now to hear him talk religious.  He has not been diagnosed as narcissistic, but it helps me to cope to be able to put a name to the things he head done to me over the past 47 years.  This isnt the first rodeo.  But, it was the most deceptive.  So, this, plus the way things happened when my parents died plus the loss of my two dogs has left me not really knowing who I am anymore, and I really don't know who he is.  I am presently at his mothers house until next weekend.  That is very difficult.  I was feeling so physically sick I could hardly function.     Then, I downloaded some puzzle apps and started bingeing one puzzle after the other so I didn't have to see or talk to anybody except at meals.  It has actually helped.  I also had my first session with a counselor today.  I'm developing a new addiction, puzzles.

Hi, I have been married for 47 years.  Almost a year ago I found sexually related texts on my husbands phone.  I discovered several years of lies and money sent to women online that he lied to me about.  He claimed he would stop and I tried to move on with life.  However, I caught him a couple more times.  I was in shock.  We have both been very involved in our church.  To add to it.  He sent money to one of the women in Dec. 2019 when I was dealing with my mother' s death.  she died Dec. 3.   Then in Nov.2021, his narcissistic mother came to visit us for a week while my dad was dying.  She had a condo timeshare 45 min away.  All my husband could think of was going to the condo to swim.  I have confronted him about these things, but he doesn't get how much pain he has caused me.  He just says I need to quit bringing it up.  I love him, but I am slowly starting to see the narcissistic traits in him that have always confused me.  I am emotionally and physically drained.  I have found a counselor that I will be starting to see soon.  It isn't easy to leave a 47 year marriage, nor is it easy to stay.  I wish I had understood this years ago when I had the ability to work and take care of myself.