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Thanks for the positive thread, Kizzie!      Always grateful for reminders of what I have to be grateful for.

Today, my gratitude is very basic--for every beat of my strong heart, for every breath in and out of my healthy lungs.  I'm grateful for a comfortable and sheltering home, and for an abundance of food in my cupboards.

Peace.

Hey, Flutterbye.  Welcome and thanks for your post.      You sound very focused on moving forward--kudos and all best wishes.  I've only been part of this community for about a week, but I'm so happy to have found this forum.  After decades of suffering from undiagnosed CPTSD and only a couple of years of working to heal, I am incredibly relieved and grateful to find this community.

I related to your comment about comparing one's self with those who don't have CPTSD.  I've stopped doing it.  I'm happy for folks who don't have it, but I've learned that comparing myself only makes me feel worse about myself.  I've accepted that, at 53, my life will likely always be an accommodation to the abuse that began in my infancy.  And I'm okay with that.  I can't change my history.  But I can face each day doing my best and being as kind and compassionate to myself as I can.

My life is difficult.  I'm fairly isolated, in debt with no savings and no retirement savings, have a damaged career, and have struggled with addictions.  Sometime I can feel like I'm a total failure.  But here's the compassionate message I've been reminding myself of instead: I had a HORRIBLE life, starting in infancy and lasting for decades, and I am an AMAZING SUCCESS in that I'm simply still in life.  That is my crowning achievement--despite it all, I'm still in life.  And still hopeful.  And as long as I'm here, great things are still possible.

Looking forward to future posts.  In the meantime, all best wishes to you--and the rest of the CPTSD community.

Peace

  Good for you, Survivor, for standing firm.  Not easy to do but it gets easier the more one does it.  I also agree with the wisdom of Arpy1 and V.

5 years ago I completely DIVORCED myself from an abusive older sibling.  I simply cut her out of my life.   I was calm and civil when I ended the relationship--and she was HYSTERICALLY SCREAMING and HATEFUL in her words.  I cut her out of my life because I came to realize that the only benefit of our being in touch was to her--she got opportunities to be abusive.

While the majority of the abuse I experienced came from my severely narcissistic and also psychopathic older sister, my 2 other siblings sometimes joined my older sister in abusing me. 

I only have occasional phone contact with a younger sister and no contact with my older siblings.  While I miss having family (both my parents are deceased), I'm MUCH happier not having horrible people in my life.  And separating myself from my siblings was hard--I'm Italian and family is VERY treasured in our culture.  But I happened to be born with truly * siblings, so I had to let that cultural expectation go.

You sound strong--so keep keepin' on.  I wish you much peace in your journey.

I recently came to a decision about telling others about CPTSD.  That decision was simply NOT to do it anymore.  I'm quite self-aware and very expressive, and I've found that even when explaining it thoroughly, people just don't get it.  Even many therapists don't get it.  It took me three therapists to find one who understood the ramifications of early childhood trauma.

I stopped telling people because (1) It infuriated me to not be believed (i.e., my abuse wasn't "bad enough" for them to accept that I have CPTSD), (2) I got tired of others' expectations to "just get over it already," because the abuse happened so many years ago, and (3) I found a couple of people have subsequently started treating me differently, like "damaged goods."  (One even threw bits of info in my face in an attempt to shame me--I've since ended all contact with her.) 

For me, I've simply come to conclude that unless an individual has experienced deep trauma or is a therapist trained in trauma and who's worked with trauma patients, people just don't get it.  And I'm not wasting my energy "enlightening" them.  I've had to spend far too much energy just to stay in life, so I can't afford to waste my time or energy educating people.  My younger sister, who didn't experience the abuse of older siblings that I did, says she's supportive.  But she hasn't done a minute's research to try to understand it.  So I've stopped discussing it with her, too.

For all those reasons, I'm REALLY glad for this forum.  For the first time in my 53 years, I feel like there are folks who REALLY GET what CPTSD is. 

Peace. 

Hi, MysteryMe.  Hard to follow Dutch Uncle--he's such a great communicator.  But I wanted to respond because your story really touched me.  And after reading your post I found myself wishing that I could have had your insights at 17--it would have save me decades of sorrow and pain.

When I first began therapy in my late 40s, I wasn't aware that I had CPTSD.  I'd never even heard of it.  After working with my therapist for a bit, I learned that my CPTSD resulted from decades of sibling abuse that began when I was very, very young (before I could talk, even--but not before I could remember life events).  I learned from my therapist that sibling-to-sibling abuse is more common than parent-to-child and adult-to-adult abuse combined.  I was shocked at the statistic.  I don't know if sibling abuse is what you experienced, but I can tell you that it's very real and it's so far beyond "sibling rivalry."

I experienced some physical abuse, especially when I was younger, but once I became able to communicate and understand things, the abuse turned almost completely emotional--multiple times a day for decades.  And it really devastated my life.  At 53, I still have a way to go in healing.

I would trust your gut on things.  A bit of teasing is normal.  But to my mind, it should be good-natured and playful.  No one should have to endure meanness, manipulation, and guilt under the guise of "teasing."  Dutch Uncle has some great suggestions.  To that I'd add to perhaps check out some books on sibling abuse.  And if you have an opportunity, I'd seek out a therapist specifically trained in childhood trauma.  You may find that you weren't abused.  Or you may find opportunities for healing if you were. 

Just please don't accept what your siblings have to say if it goes against your gut instincts.  Follow your gut.   

Wishing you peace and all good things.

Hey, reluctantastronaut.  Great question.  I get it.  I've asked myself that same question previously.

Here's what I've noticed, based on my experience--food for thought only: The relationships I developed while I was experiencing but unconscious about my CPTSD have all gone away.  I divorced myself from those who got some sort of sick pleasure out of my being wounded.  And I've also moved away from friends who don't GET it, who just want me to "get over it."  And some friends let me go because I was "weird" and couldn't "get over it."

So at 53, I find myself alone.  Someday I'd like to be in an intimate, loving relationship.  And I'd like to have a circle of friends.  But I'm okay with my solitude for now.  I still have too many unhealthy, habituated ways of being.  I'm working on them and can see that someday I'll be in a healthier place.  I've given myself permission to put relationships on hold for a time, to give myself some time to heal further.  I definitely don't want to meet anyone now and potentially risk repeating old patterns of how I've been with others.

No matter who or who isn't in my life, I'M always in my life.  Right now, that's the single most important relationship for me, the one I have with myself.  So while I'm lonely, I understand that it's temporary.

Wishing you all the best in your journey--and peace.

I'm late in joining this conversation but I can totally relate to being blamed for having CPTSD.  Here's what I've experienced: No one I know, even those who love me, can fully understand how CPTSD affects me.  I'm extremely self-aware and I'm very expressive with loved ones, but I'm beginning to think that CPTSD is simply beyond the understanding of folks who haven't experienced it, except perhaps for clinicians who've studied it extensively and have worked with CPTSD clients.  It's why I love this forum--folks "get it."

At this point in my life, I simply don't share that I have CPTSD with folks who don't have it or who don't have backgrounds in trauma-based therapy.  It's just an exercise in frustration for me, and it's exceedingly invalidating.  People who haven't been abused and who haven't had their brain development altered by abuse that began very young simply don't get it.  I'm happy for them but at the same time have NO desire to encounter much less try to "enlighten" their ignorance--it's too exhausting.  I've spent too many years just trying to stay in life to spend any bit of energy helping others to understand.

Appreciate your asking the question, BigBoots!  And I'm applauding you in moving forward in all the ways that honor your dear life.

Peace.

Hey, Samantha.  I'm really glad you use your voice--I've gotten a lot out of your posts.  And I really appreciated your comment about facing your social anxiety "largely."  I loved the feel of that.  I don't have social anxiety but I do have other anxieties--and am going to remember to "face them largely."  There's the feel of courage in that for me.  So thanks.

Peace.

It's never too late, although I understand (and appreciate!) the question.  But as long as there's life in us, it's never too late. 

I have to believe that.  I was diagnosed with CPTSD at 49.  I was only briefly in therapy before my therapist ended therapy due to lack of insurance--I divorced my spouse and no longer had insurance.  4 years later, at 53, I'm just starting to try to heal, and am doing it on my own.  For the last 4 years I've mostly just been surviving.  And I've done that well--I'm still here.  However, my life is a mess.  I've got no insurance and no opportunities for therapy (until things improve financially or I can get insurance).  I also live a pretty isolated life.  Still, I consider that my "bottom" is behind me, despite my currently messy life.  And I keep going--because I'm here.

Love the list, Betamax!  That reminded me of one of the things I love most in the universe--to dance!  I love it like I love to breathe.  Your list brought that to mind, so thanks.

2015 was my worst year.  I thought of suicide more than any other time in my life.  But like another poster said, I think part of what keeps me going is sheer determination.  I can get so down that I can't see any positive outcome to my story, but there's a part of me who always thinks that if I don't stay, I'll never know what could have been possible, what I could have made of my life.  So I keep going.

Thanks, Samantha, for your kind words.  I cherish them.  And I hope you'll remember that you deserve to be in this life, too.  None of us asked for what we received.  And none of us deserved ANY of it, not a nanosecond of it.  I've read a number of your posts today (just joined the site today) and I'm taken by your insights and your strength.  The world needs your voice, both those of us who've suffered abuse and who are figuring out how to be in this world, and those who've had more "charmed" (non-abusive) lives, who simply need the presence of your insight and compassion.  So keep keepin' on, sister.

Pam, thanks for your thoughts--love the reminder of cherishing life in the simplest moments, moments of beauty.

Peace, friends.

I love this idea!  Thanks for suggesting it!   

I can see how this exercise could really shift my perspective, short-term and long-term.  I can definitely come up with 3 things a day that I accomplish.  Some days just staying in life is an accomplishment.  Other days, recognizing progress I've made, even if just a baby step, is an accomplishment.

I'm going to start playing with this and see how many things I can come up with in a day.  This was a fantastic idea--thanks so much!

Peace, friends.

I second Dutch Uncle--really glad you started this thread.   

I, too, have struggled at times with staying in life.  It's not that I don't see value in life.  It's more that, in my early 50s and still fairly newly coming to grasp with abuse that began in early infancy, I'm just EXHAUSTED from the efforts of living--and generally overwhelmed by the tasks before me of cleaning up the huge messes I made in my life from unconsciously dealing with the abuse.  I'm also really tired of living a life in which no one close me understands what I experienced and how that affected me.  I'm coming to accept that that simply likely will never be a reality and I'm beginning to make peace with that.

I think I've continued to stay in life because I want to see what I'm made of.  I want my story to have a happy ending, even if that ending is so far from what it "could" have been had I not been abused.  There's also a part of me--a fighter, who I'm coming to love--that simply doesn't want to let who abused me WIN, which is what will happen if I take myself out of life.  So I keep going.  Because I'm here.  And that has to be enough (even if I have to talk myself into it some days). 

Thanks again for the thoughtful thread. 

Peace, friends.