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Thank you for your replies, Kizzie and Moondance. I really appreciate your kindness and support. I feel like I've got a lot to say and try to understand around CPTSD but I just don't feel safe talking about it in person in my life. It feels like it's taken me a long time to accept I actually have it. Dissociation and denial have been a big part of my experiences with trauma and CPTSD, so I honestly believed they'd made a mistake when I got the diagnosis. I also haven't understood that the emotional experiences I have as a result of CPTSD are not what other people live with. I have a high ACE score but didn't know that until last year. I don't remember a lot of things about my childhood. There are big gaps too in my adult memories. People show me photos of myself and I have no memory of them being taken. Friends and family members talk about memories of things we did or experienced together and I can't remember them. It's thought I've had trauma and ptsd from a very early age (experienced trauma shortly after I was born and had ongoing experiences) so I don't really know any other way to function. I keep all of this secret, most people in my life, including family, have no idea I have cptsd and it's painful and difficult to live not understanding that the emotional experiences are not my fault. I've seen myself as someone who doesn't seem to be able to do life the way other people can and have thought I must just be "not great at doing life". I haven't understood I'm living with a significant illness. I find it hard to accept that I have cptsd. There's a lot of shame for me around all of this. A lot of denial and dissociation in my family system. A lot of perfectionism and over functioning to dissociate and deny so I get lost in self blame and shame. It's good to finally find a place I can say all of this and try to make sense of it all. I'm tired of living with so much self blame, shame and secrecy. I want to heal and integrate. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm not living with the consequences of trauma, and want to fully accept and understand that I am and it's not my fault, that I'm not "failing at life", I'm living with a significant amount of trauma and cptsd, and that's not my fault. I hope this makes sense.

Hi everyone, I'm glad to have found this forum. It's good to have found a place where I can share with people who might understand what I'm struggling with.

I was diagnosed with PTSD ten years ago and have subsequently learned that I have CPTSD. Am currently in treatment for EMDR. I'm finding it a gruelling process to have EMDT treatments and go through the subsequent healing as my body reprocesses the stored trauma.

I'm struggling with the difficulties I have in building relationships with others.

I find trusting others very difficult and so keep my distance from people.

I'm in a long term relationship with someone I love very much and who loves me, but I struggle a lot with fear based rage and feeling insecurely attached. In my life as a whole I'm a very calm, placid, patient person, but because of my cptsd stemming from past physical, verbal and emotional abuse, alongside sexual assault, and multiple losses/deaths of family members and friends, I have struggles with being triggered by fears of abandonment in my relationship with my partner and so find myself getting triggered into "fight" mode when feeling threatened. I don't have these same issues in my friendships. I feel safer with other women and have a small number of Close women friends. But with my (male) partner, I find myself overwhelmed with fear of losing him, which triggers "fight" and then have to work very very hard not to rage at my partner when I get triggered into a place of feeling like my security in the relationship is threatened.I lose perspective, and find myself unable to simply explain what's happening inside me. I'm damaging my connection to him and feel very low about it.

My partner is kind, loving and I'm not afraid of him, but afraid of losing him. I don't want to hurt him with my pain but feel powerless when I get triggered into "fight" mode. I used to be triggered into "freeze" mode when ptsd triggered but after years of therapy and recovery work, I'm now struggling with getting stuck in "fight" mode and am frightened by how powerless I feel when this fear rage gets triggered. I don't lash out physically, but hurt with words and anger. It's hard to explain. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like a huge panic, and it feels like I'm fighting for my life and can't help leaking out emotional pain. I remove myself from the situation and work really hard not to lash out verbally but it can take days to get perspective and calm my nervous system. So there are times where my partner andI take space from each other so I have time to ground and calm myself and he has time to soothe his hurt at being emotionally leaked all over.

We want to reach a place of being able to live together but I don't know if I could ever do that as I'm so afraid of being close to him and losing him. Part of my cptsd is around multiple deaths in my family as a child and growing up.

I hope this is the right place to post this as part of my introduction. I'm very new here so not too sure.