Hi,
the member guidelines said to explain how I developed relational trauma and where I am at in recovery so here goes...I grew up in a family of narcissists. My parents are narcissists. My grandparents are also narcissists. The same goes for many other people in my extended family. I don't know why this is the case, but it might have something to do with war/immigration trauma...My paternal grandparents were children in Italy during the Second World War, while my maternal grandparents had to leave their country due to a revolution. The stories of my abusers were used to minimise my own trauma. Many people in my family are Kings and Queens of pain.
During my childhood, I was not loved or supported by any member of my family. Instead I was regularly subjected to emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. The abuse was carried out by several people. I was made to feel like a mistake. Like someone who could never be loved. A total screw-up without hope. If I was not perfect, I was hit. At the same time, if I was perfect, my parents would ignore me because I was doing "fine" and instead try to compete with me. It was a loose-loose situation where the abuse/neglect was always my fault. Perfectionism became my way of defending myself. I became a straight A student who spent every waking hour studying or pretending to study. I was miserable. Eventually I began searching for information on the internet, and realised that I might have something called CPTSD. That was in high school.
Today I am a university student. I am studying psychology, but I am not sure if I want to become a psychologist. I tried going no contact with my family a year ago, and struggled a lot with being alone. I realised that I have been dependent on them my entire life and that I don't know how to live without them or have healthy relationships. After a severe struggle with my mental health, I contacted my FOO again. Right now it just feels like I am struggling to be my own person. I am joining this forum because I want to feel less alone and because I want to learn how to deal with my relational trauma. That is all for now...Thanks for reading this.
the member guidelines said to explain how I developed relational trauma and where I am at in recovery so here goes...I grew up in a family of narcissists. My parents are narcissists. My grandparents are also narcissists. The same goes for many other people in my extended family. I don't know why this is the case, but it might have something to do with war/immigration trauma...My paternal grandparents were children in Italy during the Second World War, while my maternal grandparents had to leave their country due to a revolution. The stories of my abusers were used to minimise my own trauma. Many people in my family are Kings and Queens of pain.
During my childhood, I was not loved or supported by any member of my family. Instead I was regularly subjected to emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. The abuse was carried out by several people. I was made to feel like a mistake. Like someone who could never be loved. A total screw-up without hope. If I was not perfect, I was hit. At the same time, if I was perfect, my parents would ignore me because I was doing "fine" and instead try to compete with me. It was a loose-loose situation where the abuse/neglect was always my fault. Perfectionism became my way of defending myself. I became a straight A student who spent every waking hour studying or pretending to study. I was miserable. Eventually I began searching for information on the internet, and realised that I might have something called CPTSD. That was in high school.
Today I am a university student. I am studying psychology, but I am not sure if I want to become a psychologist. I tried going no contact with my family a year ago, and struggled a lot with being alone. I realised that I have been dependent on them my entire life and that I don't know how to live without them or have healthy relationships. After a severe struggle with my mental health, I contacted my FOO again. Right now it just feels like I am struggling to be my own person. I am joining this forum because I want to feel less alone and because I want to learn how to deal with my relational trauma. That is all for now...Thanks for reading this.