Messages

Rainyday's statement about  "saying the things my younger self needed my parents or grown ups to say," really resonated for me. I just recently started writing letters to myself at specific ages, and specific moments of trauma, that occurred throughout my childhood and well into my adulthood. I write to the 3 year old me, using very simple words a 3 year old can understand. Same with my 5 year old and 9 year old me. Dread writing to 10 year old me and up, because the trauma got worse as I got older, and things became less hidden, more obvious, and we (the dysfunctional nuclear family unit) became more cut-off from others (aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, etc) and I had to go to school and pretend my life was normal. But I went to a small, private school. Everyone knew of a specific trauma when I was 9. That made me "othered" even as a teen in high school. And knowing I couldn't tell anyone the full truth, because they wouldn't believe it. If they didn't believe it, then I would appear to be "lying to get attention." If somehow my peers believed it, I would have been shunned or othered even more than I already was.

But getting back to what I have written to my inner child as various ages/traumas, I noticed that I saw this child as Brave, Kind, Caring, Smart, and Determined. Yet, I have great difficulty seeing myself as any of those things. But I know my husband sees it, just as he sees the trauma monster when she comes out. But I want to heal my inner child, I want her to know the level of bravery, determination, kindness, she had, and her anger is justified, and her ability to forgive, is what has enabled me to have a good life, a good marriage, a son who has anxiety disorder (but is learning how to manage it as a teenager, better than I did in my 30's & 40's).

So, yeah, my inner child has tried everything from adult tantrums to overeating, to pushing emotionally healthy people away, to not believing the good things but very much believing the bad things said to me, or said about me, to constantly doubting my parenting, to not giving myself credit for the good parenting that is the majority of the time, but instead focusing on the times I have messed up badly or even mildly, and losing it because I now think I have traumatized my son on the level and to the same extend I was traumatized. So, what the adult me says inside me is a storm of bad. Yet when I write to my younger self, I see her as Brave, Determined, Kind, Strong. So, how is it I can't see that in current me more often?

Thanks for the warm welcome and for the very sad, yet also reassuring, info that most of us do not get diagnosed, or realize we have CPTSD, until we are in our 40's, 50's, 60's.
I am having difficulty finding a therapist who specializes in trauma, is taking new patients, and takes Medicare insurance. My DH, says we can just pay "out of pocket" if necessary. But I am in charge of our budget and finances. Sadly, there are few that are truly Trauma focused. The ones that are and are taking new patients, are quoting me anywhere from $300-$500 per session, and they recommend 2 sessions per week for at least the 1st 6-8 weeks.  So, I am going to try to use books, OOTS, and anything else that I can find that's legit on trauma therapy, CPTSD, and even PTSD if it helps.

I guess I should begin by saying that I am only now realizing that I have CPTSD. It was suggested that I might have it, by my excellent therapist of many years. She retired in June 2021 and our last few sessions were about what little she knew about it, and why she thinks it might be my biggest issue (I am diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I can get panic attacks).

I am in my midish-50's. And my CPTSD comes from my childhood. Several traumatic events between age 3 and age 18, as well as an alcoholic father who was NEVER in recovery. A codependent mother who had undiagnosed anxiety and panic disorders, who spent a lot of time in denial, and rather than acknowledge the various traumas, mild neglect, and family dysfunction, chose to tell me that my worst traits, my worst behavior, my worst self, was the ONLY me. My older sister (the middle sister) spent decades being kind to me and then telling me how horrible I am. The eldest sister, well, she's been dead since I was 21 and she was 29.
Her death was self inflicted, and her first attempt was when I was barely 9.

I have had lots of therapy. Talk therapy, CBT, etc., but I continue to have 2 big issues that really affect me and my loved ones. Fear of Abandonment and lack of self-esteem. The anxiety can be controlled, for the most part.  But if the "root" of the anxiety is really a "fear of abandonment" issue, it is not something I can control and I rapidly decompensate. Hoping this Forum might help the issues that the therapists cannot seem to understand, much less help.