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I own a Honda HRV but currently there is a Nissan Sentra in my parking space. Why is that, one might ask? Because my car is in the shop. The auto body shop, that is. Why? Because for the 3rd time (yes, the 3rd time), when I was backing out of my parking space in the carport, I failed to turn the wheel soon enough and basically rammed into the pole. Three times!!!!  The driver side bumper panel had to be replaced.  Twice. The last time it happened was a couple of years ago but I was waiting for my insurance to decrease a bit before I filed a 3rd claim (in 4 years). lol.

IOW, I can truly relate to your story and understand how you are feeling. The last time I did it, I put the car in park and just cried like a baby. I beat myself up and worse, heard my ex's voice talking down to me. Every time I look at it, I think of how I felt when I did it rather than just seeing it for what it is. 

After reading about your experience, however, the only logical conclusion that I can come to is that that is just what happens to intelligent, insightful people when they are on a serious healing journey.  We are (finally) more focused on our respective internal worlds after spending years - way too long - focused on our external worlds. My therapist told me once "healing can be messy sometimes".  I think this just may be one example of that. 

Thank you both for your good wishes and comments.

Papa Coco - re: "Thanks for sharing it where I could read it".  I decided to post here after reading a reply of yours where you mentioned that you focused on this section mainly. I too was finding all the sections and grouping of topics confusing to navigate so thank you. Posting mainly in one place makes more sense.  So...thank you!

Good to hear about your wife's friend. I grew up on the east coast as well. With the exception of snow (nothing is perfect), there are many things about the east coast that I have always missed and look forward to experiencing full time again.  I have two cats and I think that will my biggest challenge. How the heck do I move them from here to there?  The answer will reveal itself in time... (1st I need to find the answer to where will I work, and where will I live...just minor concerns...lol).

@Mandox:  I am not a parent either so I never benefited from having that "parental instinct" kick in. The beauty of imagining your parent is that you truly get to imagine this inner parent to be exactly who you want that parent to be/perhaps exactly who your real parent wasn't. It doesn't matter how old you are. We all need a wise inner parent. I think this is a little bit like "Be the change you seek".  I notice the lack of compassion in the world, so I choose to be more compassionate to myself. I see the lack of love in the world, so I choose to be more loving to myself.  The saying "charity starts in the home" is relevant since, as you may have found, once you start treating yourself better, you naturally start treating others better. 
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I should probably always add a disclaimer that, having these insights and having made this progress doesn't mean that I am saying that any of this is or has been easy. I think the reason I want to share them here is that i understand through first hand experience what it feels like to be out in the world without a clue, full of fear and extremely uncomfortable emotions that I couldn't always control. It was like I was split into two (though I am a Gemini  ). There is my reasonable, intellectual side that is smart and can navigate fairly well and then my emotional side that was constantly triggered but never sure why. I couldn't trust myself at all. I didn't understand myself at all.  I never thought I would be able to change at all. I was a prisoner of my own emotions. I only knew they were strong but I didn't know how they could ever change.  I am still in awe that they did change. When I read the pain that others are experiencing I understand it, remember going through very, very similar circumstances, having very similar beliefs about myself and strongly believing there was no reason to hope that I had the capacity to change or get better. I guess I am here to say, if I can change, anyone can change. No matter how dark it may seem - we all can change. There is always hope for all of us.

I can imagine that if you are "in it" right now, the above might all sound very nice and neat but miss the mark. Remember that if you are "in it" right now, congratulate yourself since "the only way out is through..."

Bach - I am sorry you are going through this. Please try to remember that who you are is not defined by how the people around you have treated you. It defines them.

You are wise and brave to be on this forum sharing your pain with people who understand and accept you for who you are and know that you are enough.

Being here and sharing your pain means that you are on a healing journey. Healing journeys, unfortunately, take time - often more time than we believe we can handle. I have the below quote on my whiteboard and see it when I wake up in the morning to remind me to appreciate all the little steps along the way (which include experiencing the grief and tears we feel as we get back in touch with our painful feelings).

"A new moon teaches gradualness
and deliberation and how one gives birth
to oneself slowly. Patience with small details
makes perfect a large work, like the universe."

― Rumi

Once I got back in touch with my pain/feelings, it felt overwhelming. In hindsight, I realize that was a necessary step I had to go through in order to release those emotions from where they were trapped inside. My tears set them free. I began to welcome the tears, knowing that they meant that I must be doing something right since for so much of my life I had denied they existed. It's kind of a double edge sword. I hope you are able to honor your pain and see that it is ultimately a gift and a necessary step on your path. Your pain is valid and there are many others here who understand what you are going though very well and support you.

My hope is that your tears ultimately release you from your pain. 

[but very importantly]

I am currently in a state of transition. I'm in between jobs and have decided to move from the west coast back to the east coast of the US. I have been on the west coast for over 30 years. Not sure how all of this is going to work logistically at this point. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and acting as if there are answers to how this will work but I just don't know what they are yet. This is new for me. I am remembering Wayne Dyer's book "I'll see it when I believe it".  I keep reminding myself that I don't have to have all the answers in order to move forward. I am reminding myself that the unknown is only scary if I choose to make it so in my mind. I am reminding myself that all humans, regardless of their background, are innately resistant to change and find it uncomfortable. Wow - the feelings I'm experiencing are like, normal???  Cool!    (though I do believe "normal" is way overrated...). I guess I am giving myself a pat on the back because I am choosing to believe that somehow the universe has my back and everything will work out.

There are definitely moments, though, when I need to remind myself of the above. I have learned that living in a fear free world is a choice and making the transition from constantly being afraid (but never sure exactly why) to living relatively fear free involves constantly monitoring my feelings, questioning them, validating them, soothing them, then choosing to create "new neural pathways" over and over and over and over again. It's a full time job, but it works.

I used to unconsciously seek that validation externally. When I found over and over that wasn't the answer, I then went to the opposite extreme of "I don't need anybody! People suck!".  I guess I was angry at others for accurately mirroring my dysfunctional behavior and decided it was just easier not to deal with people at all. Wrong answer.  It's probably safe to say that my healing began when I stopped blaming others and began taking a look at myself, but very importantly, looking at myself through a compassionate lens vs. listening to my inner critic. I guess that's why I chose my name here. Compassion was key to my healing journey. There is still a scared child inside me who asks "But, what about this....and what about that...and what about that over there..." but I now have learned to recognize that part of me, and then access my new parent voice that will not necessarily have answers but just show up and allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. I continually relearn how to trust my own emotions and not shame myself for having them by "imagining" a loving parent who understands and accepts me exactly how I am. Pretty soon that "imaginary parent" becomes you. I guess in the same way that a mother or father says that parenting is a full time job, so is creating my new inner parent. I need to access that part of me every step of the way.

I guess in summary: I am at the beginning of a new chapter, I am not sure where it will take me, I feel some fear but I have developed tools to help mitigate that fear and I think it's more exciting than scary. This particular journey may take a while and I will give myself the time and support that I need as things unfold. That is what progress looks like and today I celebrate that and wish the same for others.

Hi Phoebes,

It's amazing how easy it is to be objective on these matters but here goes....I too have a sister who I want to have a relationship with but in short, sometimes she makes me crazy.  I understand the "but I'm a mother" dynamic all too well.  Nothing against all you mothers out there but it has definitely been my experience that when someone has self esteem/identity issues (as many of us do, not a judgment), then attaching to the identity of being a mother, which is an identity that is generally held in high esteem in most societies, then it is very tempting to attach to it very strongly and use that as a weapon against someone who is not. It's like a get out jail free card. An instant answer to the nagging question "Who am I?" that many of us who had less than ideal upbringings are left with.  It is an answer our egos love. Society validates this identity. Our egos also love to judge and compare which is probably why your sister will remind you that you are not a mother and couldn't possibly understand.  I only wish I truly understood this dynamic as it was happening.

Being aware of that years ago wouldn't have changed anything, but I could do what I try to do now - detach myself from the dynamic.  This is the hardest part of healing.right?: having relationships with people who are not working on themselves, don't understand what that even means (I once didn't) and don't want to find out. When I recognize that someone is operating from their ego (most people) and not their true nature, I remind myself not to take their words personally. I came across a great quote (I love quotes and read many every day...).  "You can't build an honest relationship with people who lie to themselves". It sounds like you want to build an honest relationship with your sister. I want to do the same with mine but in reality, I have to accept that our relationship will never be the type of relationship that I want: one based on love, trust and honesty. It isn't because my sister is a bad person and there is no reason for me to be angry at her because of that (though I went through that phase). It's just that perhaps your sister will always "be on the fence". By that I mean, sometimes showing interest in your healthy habits (physical or psychological) and inquiring about them, but through action showing she is not ready to make any changes.

The healing part for both of us (just because I know this is true doesn't mean I always practice it...) is to remember to put ourselves first, recognize that we can only change ourselves, be kind and not take others words or actions personally.  Sometimes you have to love someone from a distance. I have compassion for my sister because I know why she has the issues she has, but I also need to draw a boundary between myself and her since I have done too much work on myself to allow others toxic behaviors to affect me. Easier said than done of course, but that is our mission! (if we choose to accept it...lol).

Thanks all. 

I live ~ 3000 miles away from my FOO and have so for the last 30 + years, so I have basically gone no contact to a large extent. I used to call them quite a bit but then once I started healing and realizing that we weren't on the same wavelength (and likely never would be) I stopped and have had minimal contact.  I am currently on the west coast in the US and they are on the east coast. I am planning on moving back to the east coast (though hours away from them) so I think the idea of even being within driving distance is bringing up feelings of "If I do see them, have I healed enough to be able to handle it?".  I do have the choice of not seeing them, but then I can't help but think that if I am healed, seeing them and not being phased is the goal. How can I do that if I avoid them?

This reminds me of a quote of  Ram Dass who said after he got back from wherever he had been meditating for months at a time where he felt clearer than he ever did in his life and felt very strong.  Upon his return to the US, after visiting his FOO he said "If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family". LOL. This is a good quote to remember if/when something happens where I might react in a way that I thought was hasty and not in line with "the work" I've been doing. 'Well, even Ram Dass found it difficult sometimes to keep it together....I am in good company".

I think I may give my sisters another chance, but if upon seeing them, my equilibrium and entire being feels off, rather than attributing those feelings as a sign that something is wrong with me (which I now realize I did in the past), I will respect that those feelings are only telling me to stay away and just accept they have chosen not to heal and there is nothing I can do about that.

The only way we're going to save this world from itself is by bringing compassion back into fashion.

[My sister doesn't support me]

I need to go no contact with my sister.

There are things that are true about our relationship and there is a part of me that doesn't want to believe them. I need to believe them.

My sister doesn't support me
She doesn't know how to. She hasn't done the work. She is quite comfortable where she is in her life and doesn't believe that there is any reason for her to learn/grow/change. I can't take this personally. She can't support me because she doesn't support herself and she has no awareness of that.

My sister's personality eerily mirrors my fathers
NPD

I have good reason to believe that she actively is triangulating with my other siblings against me.
That sounds paranoid, right? But little things are starting to add up. I should have done the math a long time ago. I am not sure but I believe that my healing is a threat to her and I think her way of coping is to make me "the bad guy".  In the past, rather than believing that, I would have immediately blamed myself, i.e. "There must be something wrong with me if she is doing that. I must just be a bad person, I guess I deserve it...".  I still feel bad believing this, but more because it is incredibly sad that the world is the way it is, and that when you heal, it can be a very lonely place to be (again, very grateful for finding this forum). As I heal and forgive myself, it is hard to accept that others are not able or willing to grow with me.

Whenever I speak to her, afterward I feel....many things, mostly negative/uncomfortable...
..confused by her...mistrustful of her....abandoned by her....pity for her... The strongest thing that I feel is a sense of vulnerability. I think she will most likely twist something I say. All of what I feel comes from my gut. I used to ignore my gut. I am learning not to but my logical brain still tries to intervene by saying "But, there is nothing concrete here, you need factual, provable evidence". To that I will finally say: That is the biggest bunch of bs I have ever heard. My gut knows more than I do. My gut knows things that my brain hasn't been able to process/articulate yet.  Recently I was going through the motions on something I was telling myself I needed to do but my heart wasn't completely into it and nothing was accomplished. I later learned why my heart wasn't into it once my brain processed/articulated it.  My gut knew something that I hadn't fully processed yet and was letting me know ahead of time what was what.

------------------------------

I guess this is about letting go. Accepting that some people do not want to heal and don't care about my journey, even if they were in the same boat and were abused along with me. I can't help her. She doesn't believe she needs it. She would rather take a pill than work on what causes her anxiety. More importantly, if I don't let go and continue to have contact, I am only providing supply that will be used against me somehow. I can no longer pretend that I'm tough enough to take it. I'm not and I will honor and protect that part of me that is and will always be vulnerable (just getting smarter).

This is also about trust. I guess I have a hard time saying "I don't trust xxx". I think it's because I know that trust is an issue that I need to work on so by admitting that I don't trust someone I am saying "I am a mistrustful person" and that doesn't sit well with me? Does that even make sense?  I don't like the idea of mistrusting anyone so I choose to overlook the reasons I shouldn't trust someone. Interesting....I've never thought about trust in that way before, but I realize I do have a tendency to not believe that a person shouldn't be trusted, even when they show me reasons not to (though recently my ex tried to hoover me in with an invitation to go on a trip but I politely declined. I may be a fool, but I'm not a damn fool!! lol). In general though, it feels better for me to be trusting so I choose to not see what is in front of me. I can think of a lot of people/situations where if I had just made a decision up front to not trust based on the information I had, I would have averted trouble. I think I just had a breakthrough!   

Takeaway: I feel better about myself when I choose to trust people, even when it is not in my best interest to do so. This is illogical (and many other things) so I am going to choose to not trust people as appropriate and feel even better about my growing ability to protect myself, even if the people I am not trusting are closely related to me.

The human brain/psyche is complicated, eh? 

Thank you @Papa Coco.  Yes, compassion and empathy are so healing and in very short supply in dysfunctional FOO and in the world at large. I've read some of your posts when I first came here as well and I was impressed with your insight and empathy. Thank you for your warm welcome.

@Kizzie: Big thanks to you as well for the welcome and list of acronyms.

Re a F2F group. When I left my husband in 2017 I looked for a F2F group for people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships and were focused on healing (vs. complaining/blaming. I had already passed through that stage a few years prior .  I couldn't find one so I started one on MeetUp. I spoke with a lot of people on the phone who told me their story (which in itself was very healing as I felt very alone at that time). I tried to get a group of people together F2F a few times but it was difficult to get everyone available at the same time. The largest "group" was 3 people, including myself. A lot of people were an hours drive away, some more than that. I can't remember how many people were in the online group, I only remember thinking "wow - I didn't expect so many people to join! I am, sadly, definitely not alone in this".

I also found that since I started the group, when we did meet F2F, I sensed that people were looking to me expecting that I had some magic answer. That felt uncomfortable since I really only had my own story, empathy for others who have also been there and the belief that sharing is healing.  I don't have the answers. The only "answer" that I have is along the lines that sharing stories is healing and learning to have compassion for yourself is key. That's it.

Re "sounds like you have gotten a handle on things".  I think everyone here could probably agree that this is one of the most frustrating/challenging aspects of CPTSD. One day you have a handle on things and you feel confident because you've been doing the work and see progress and the next day you have an EF and are only focused on mitigating its intensity.  You think to yourself "Wow - yesterday - and for a while now I felt great and believed I had this but today....not so much".  One EF and then all attention is focused on breathing through it, journaling, playing piano....staying present, feeling where it is in my body, trying to just allow it and let it pass. That is where I am today (I spoke with my sister yesterday. Hmm...a coincidence? I think not...) I did all of the above and then I came here.  The good news is that I now have tools to deal with these feelings, they are less intense than they used to be and I recover more quickly. I used to "believe my feelings". Now I understand they are just stored memories that need to be released and I treat them with respect and kindness rather than fear (but fear is still my first reaction that I have to mitigate).  I try to remember that when these feelings come up, to see these feelings as those of my scared younger self (aka inner child). In the present time, it is my job to be a better parent to her than my parents were at the time. That means I try to allow her to feel what she feels, let her know she is safe, there is nothing shameful about her feelings, have compassion for her and allow her to cry if she needs to. In that sense, I suppose I do have a handle on things but only for myself. I certainly don't want to be in a position where I am being looked at as a leader who has it all together. My "wise parent" has a handle on things most of the time. But that part of me is relatively young and still trying to figure it out. I would imagine that this must resonate a bit for you being a forum leader. 

I am so glad this forum exists. Just knowing it is here is comforting. Thanks to all of you!

I'm so happy to hear you are doing much better with the changes than might be expected given the circumstances. I'm glad you are here and welcome to the forum!

Thanks Armee! I was reading some of your posts yesterday and I'm glad you are here as well.

I have found that my list is always growing. I've also learned to appreciate discovering new triggers as they are pieces to a puzzle. I only know what's in my subconscious when it is revealed through a trigger. I try to link the trigger to its origin so I can focus on healing the original wound, usually by allowing myself to express what I didn't feel safe to express at the time. In other words, lots of tears!

Feeling misunderstood
Feeling unseen
Feeling unheard
Being ignored
Having someone tell me how I feel (this happened recently about something trivial. I processed it quickly but, wow - why would anyone believe they know with 100% accuracy how another human being feels!)
Having someone deny my reality
Feeling that someone is angry at me (uh oh - now I am in physical danger...)
Feeling criticized
Seeing my FOO!
People with low empathy
People with large egos (this is a big one and the one I have to work on the hardest since large egos are plentiful in the corporate world)
Dishonesty
Superficial people

All of the above triggers were SO MUCH STRONGER before I knew that there was a pattern and I could begin to identify what they are. Just learning that the reactions I was having are really " normal" reactions by someone with my history was a relief. I felt crazy before that and blamed and shamed myself. They don't necessarily go away once identified but I have found there is value in learning where they originated from. My experience is that has diminished their intensity. I've come to the conclusion they will probably never go away. .

How I developed RTR:  I grew up in a household with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic father. I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 5. The first time I had a seizure my father slapped me in the face and told me to snap out of it. I eventually became the scapegoat for the entire family (though that took a very long time to see that). I only had three people I felt safe with (my brother, my grandfather and my mother) and all 3 died before I was 18. I didn't realize until later that although my mother was where I felt safe, she was too traumatized as well to offer me what i needed: love and support. Having seizures set me apart from other kids in school and it was difficult dealing with the reaction of peers (on top of being rejected by my family).  After leaving my FOO (is there a list of acronyms somewhere - I see a lot of them and have been only guessing) there is the familiar story of looking for love in all the wrong places. I always felt there was "something wrong" and always wanted help but I couldn't articulate it. I needed to learn how to love me.

Current Situation:  In 2017 I left my emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband. I was seeing a trauma therapist and was doing really well. I took a lot of time to grieve - not my husband so much as what led me to choosing him in the first place. I needed to grieve all the hurt I felt for a lifetime in a safe space. That was very healing. I started to feel connected agian. I started pursing new hobbies. I felt hopeful for the future. Then the pandemic...In the beginning I was ok working from home since I have a tendency to be an introvert anyway and enjoy my own company (sound familiar?).  After about a year and a half though, I started feeling anxious. Humans are not meant to be alone (even when we think we don't need anyone). I went out on disability for 3 months, tried to navigate the US healthcare system (nightmare) and went back to work Aug 1 only after spending thousands of my own money on hypnotherapy (which helped me).  When I went back I suspected they were not sympathetic or happy that I was out. The dept had new leadership just months before the pandemic so that made everything a bit more surreal than the pandemic itself already was. Last week I was laid off. It is a huge relief - I have savings plus severance plus EDD and I am confident I will soon find work. I'm a bit in awe of how well I am handling this new reality.  It could be way worse but...it could also be better...

In summary: I've done a lot of work, made a lot of progress but there are "miles to go before I sleep". I talk to friends but they are fortunate enough to not know what it is like processing the world from my perspective. It is almost impossible to explain. I am very glad this forum exists, although I admit that I wish it were a bit more active as I know there are a lot of us out there. I also wish that there were plenty of  "CPTSD 12 steps" or the like gatherings so that we could support each other in person. I think that would be very healing (but also, perfect is the enemy of good...). I chose my username based on what has been the most healing part of my journey: (finally) having the ability to have compassion for myself. The more I have for myself, the more I have for others.