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hi, i made my account almost a year ago when i discovered this forum and was blown away by how well the symptoms of cptsd described me and how there was a big group of people talking about it!
then i got busy, didnt post for a while, and then i forgot about the site! my life has been very dramatic and tumultous the past 9 months, and my life is pretty different than it was the last time i posted.
i want to participate here again! i hope it could really help me, because my symptoms are really impairing me in the light of several recent re-traumatising events and situations. i thought maybe i'd just make a post saying, hello again.

i feel like i, as most people, need loving relationships to recover from trauma. but i get the message constantly that what i need to recover is to do a huge list of things, none of which are dependent on having someone else in your life, and if i can do those things ill be ok. but how can i do those things without any family i feel safe with, and without friends? if im completely alone in my inner life, how can i concentrate on loving myself or accepting myself when im starving for safe affection and intimacy?
ive been trying to make friends for the last 2 years, and i cant. very few of my familial relationships are healthy and the ones that are i still feel unsafe with because of the excuses and attitudes towards my mother. i cant stand feeling so uncared for and alone much longer. there are people i have positive interactions with but i doubt any of them would ever want an actual connection with me. but im barely functioning with my day to day life. i need something to change but i dont know how to overcome this obstacle

my pysch recently prescribed me gabapentin as an alternative for xanax for my panic attacks, which he had written short perscriptions for periodically, but my tolerance built to the point .25 wasnt doing anything and he refused to write me another prescription for .5 (even though he had a while ago) because he said he was concerned about addiction. so he told me he'd write me one for gabapentin because it wasnt addictive. i asked if it had any side effects and he said other than drowsiness, NO. so now reading this im very concerned. this appointment was last week but im not getting the pills until tommorrow. im scared to try it

today i did a lot of physical activity, met a lot of new people, socialised a lot, took initiative to volunteer ideas and my time.

today i feel exhausted, anxious, hopeful, jealous, and amazed. i did a lot today.

but she's great at being charming and doting around anyone else and convincing everyone else she's such a caring, nice person. i don't know it's all so confusing

thanks kizzie.
i don't think she has NPD. she doesn't show signs of wanting/demanding admiration or thinking herself above other people. she doesn't act arrogant or haughty. she seems to genuinely feel empathy and care for others, until it came to a point where she was so fed up with me she threw her consideration towards me out the window (but still insisting she loved me and doing the most of everything for me (drive me to and from school, buy me things, cook things especially for me) except actually listening to me and refraining from terrorizing me). but she did constantly take her anger out on me and do a lot of things listed on ootf as behaviors of people with PDs.
also she didnt always mistreat me. she was a good mother, and we had a great relationship until i was 12/13. then things went downhill. i don't know for sure why. and i haven't heard anyone else saying she hurt them or acted in any harmful way before this change. and PDs are supposed to be present from young adulthood right?

hi people. you can call me any variation of my username. im a 19 year old kid in the US. ive made this account in hopes of some validation/comfort about my CPTSD and possible abuse. i havent been diagnosed officially.
i first found ootf and oots almost a year ago and was shocked to see that there was a diagnosis that fit me so well, including things which i thought were personality flaws and not symptoms. i did a bunch of research on cptsd and i was unsure but recently i've become sure that i have it. what i'm less sure is if the relationship its from was actually abusive. i've spent the past 5 years questioning if the way my mom treats/treated me was abuse. i go back and forth. its hard because i've tried to reach out to people i trusted endless times and every time i get rebuffed, scolded, or yelled at for saying such horrible things about my mom who OBVIOUSLY is a great mom and loves me SO MUCH.
recently i went through a series of events and changes in my living situation which has made my mental illness symptoms a lot worse and triggered trauma from when i lived with my mom before college.
i hope talking to and listening to people in this community can help me learn about myself and how to view what has happened to me.
hope you're having an ok day as you read this