Thank you so much for those comments. This is sort of new to me, as only 2 years ago I started thinking about my childhood so I hope to keep up the work and also participate in this forum.
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#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Welcome to me
February 01, 2023, 01:28:34 AM
Hello,
I have also read Pete's book and it is amazing. I am now reading one of his recommendations, "Healing the Shame that Binds us" and it is just as good. I recommend it to you if you have a strong and shaming inner critic.
I have also read Pete's book and it is amazing. I am now reading one of his recommendations, "Healing the Shame that Binds us" and it is just as good. I recommend it to you if you have a strong and shaming inner critic.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / I am a survivor.
February 01, 2023, 01:21:40 AM
Hello,
my childhood was normal and sweet until I was 7 years old. Then my parents got divorced, and everything collapsed.
my parents split me and my older brother, and put me with my mother and him with my father. My mother was the saddest person in the world. She would cry every single night for years after the divorce. It was not normal crying. It was panicky, fervent crying and screaming. It was a small house, and I could hear it all – there is no doubt in my mind, she wanted to share the pain.
So between ages 7-13, I had to deal with that, and by the age of 10 (aprox), I started thinking she is crying because of me, as I was the only person in her life and the divorce happened years prior. I did not care. I was numb, watching TV only to be disturbed by the occasional scream.
In reality, it was not my fault, of course – my father is gay, and my mother dealt not just with the divorce, but with the idea that all her 20-year marriage was a lie. She is a very weak person and has never truly recovered to this day (25 years after).
I have literal trauma of nights because of this. Once the sun goes down, I get the same hopeless feeling I had when I was sitting in front of the TV as my mother sounded like she is getting emotionally murdered. At least 95% of the nights of my adult life were spent numbing myself down at night with first alcohol and then weed. Still today.
My father abused me emotionally to the core. I would sleep at his house once a week, and when he would pick me up with his car there was a years' long ritual – Once I would enter and sit next to him, every time, like a script, he would look at me with contempt and say, "you're so funny looking". Sometimes he would mix it up a bit with "that's not my nose, that's your mother's nose".
My childhood was one big dissociation. After he showed me his contempt, I would have my strongest, best fantasies in his car on the way, which were usually interrupted once, as he shouted, "say something!", which I would answer – "what do you want me to say", punishing him with this awkward silence which was the only power I had on him.
He gave me serious bonding issues with men. I have no friends, and the only way I could connect with someone during the past decade was through sex with a woman. I almost had no other connections. I am a handsome man and my shame-based psyche has taken advantage of that.
Also, because no one took interest in me, my outer critic goes berserk when people are not interesting enough and urges me to go back to solitude.
The truth is, I was not ugly during my childhood and have 0 memories of bullying in school about that. My father made me feel like the ugliest person in the world and feeling ugly was a huge theme during my childhood. I thought to myself it must be true if HE says it.
Beyond the abuse and neglect, I had no safe adult during my childhood. My adult life looks like my childhood – alone.
I have cut ties with my family 2 years ago after a sub-conscious induced self-destruction event (which put me in real danger) led to the brainstorming that opened up the childhood I had denied for so many years. I do not know if and when I will speak to them again.
Thank you for reading this.
my childhood was normal and sweet until I was 7 years old. Then my parents got divorced, and everything collapsed.
my parents split me and my older brother, and put me with my mother and him with my father. My mother was the saddest person in the world. She would cry every single night for years after the divorce. It was not normal crying. It was panicky, fervent crying and screaming. It was a small house, and I could hear it all – there is no doubt in my mind, she wanted to share the pain.
So between ages 7-13, I had to deal with that, and by the age of 10 (aprox), I started thinking she is crying because of me, as I was the only person in her life and the divorce happened years prior. I did not care. I was numb, watching TV only to be disturbed by the occasional scream.
In reality, it was not my fault, of course – my father is gay, and my mother dealt not just with the divorce, but with the idea that all her 20-year marriage was a lie. She is a very weak person and has never truly recovered to this day (25 years after).
I have literal trauma of nights because of this. Once the sun goes down, I get the same hopeless feeling I had when I was sitting in front of the TV as my mother sounded like she is getting emotionally murdered. At least 95% of the nights of my adult life were spent numbing myself down at night with first alcohol and then weed. Still today.
My father abused me emotionally to the core. I would sleep at his house once a week, and when he would pick me up with his car there was a years' long ritual – Once I would enter and sit next to him, every time, like a script, he would look at me with contempt and say, "you're so funny looking". Sometimes he would mix it up a bit with "that's not my nose, that's your mother's nose".
My childhood was one big dissociation. After he showed me his contempt, I would have my strongest, best fantasies in his car on the way, which were usually interrupted once, as he shouted, "say something!", which I would answer – "what do you want me to say", punishing him with this awkward silence which was the only power I had on him.
He gave me serious bonding issues with men. I have no friends, and the only way I could connect with someone during the past decade was through sex with a woman. I almost had no other connections. I am a handsome man and my shame-based psyche has taken advantage of that.
Also, because no one took interest in me, my outer critic goes berserk when people are not interesting enough and urges me to go back to solitude.
The truth is, I was not ugly during my childhood and have 0 memories of bullying in school about that. My father made me feel like the ugliest person in the world and feeling ugly was a huge theme during my childhood. I thought to myself it must be true if HE says it.
Beyond the abuse and neglect, I had no safe adult during my childhood. My adult life looks like my childhood – alone.
I have cut ties with my family 2 years ago after a sub-conscious induced self-destruction event (which put me in real danger) led to the brainstorming that opened up the childhood I had denied for so many years. I do not know if and when I will speak to them again.
Thank you for reading this.
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