Thank you Armee
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#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New To All This
October 20, 2022, 04:53:09 PM
Triggers !!!! Be warned please
(Long post as well)
Hello Everyone
I am very new to all this online items.
My history....There was no love in our home, no emotions of love, no show of love, no words of love. I was always compared to my older siblings, yes I am the youngest by 5 and 6 years. I was never good enough, never did good enough, and was isolating (now that I can remember parts of my childhood) very early. I wanted to die when I was in high school.
I ran and by running I mean I sunk myself into schoolwork. I studied all the time. In college I studied, studied, studied. Never met friends nor went to events. However I was disliked by classmates as I "broke the curve". Once I graduated I ran to many different States away from family. But the demons followed. So I registered to get my Master's degree. I worked and studied, worked and studied, worked and studied. I graduated and had a successful practice. Demons returned. I registered to get my doctorate. I worked and studied, worked and studied, worked and studies and graduated after 18 months. During these times I went to different counselors and was admitted 4 times. At a one family session, the counselor ask my parents to let me know that they love me. The couldn't say the words! They couldn't touch me. That was the one and only family session. Back then I was diagnosed as Major Depression and Dysphoric. No one asked me about my family. BTW, this was in the 80's and 90's. I just continued to work and kept busy reading journals and never finding any true friends or relationships. I continued to move from State to State. Focusing only on my career kept me distracted....now I am learning disassociated if that is correct.
I finally landed where I am. I got to the point I could not handle working anymore I needed some coping mechanisms to survive until I could retire which was 6 months out. I found a counselor. She finally got to the bottom of all my traumas of which are several from childhood, to surviving a plane crash with losing my best mentor during college, and other traumas. She then told me about CPTSD. She as had me read some books. I just haven't really "bought in" I guess as I feel so empty, unloved, lost, unworthy, isolated, lonely, anxious. I hardly ever leave my house. If it weren't for my dogs I would likely have no interactions with anything. I only leave to see the counselor. I have been with her 3.5 years but seems like I have made no progress. Every day is a struggle. She has been patient but I feel she does get frustrated with me but denies it. I think I can read frustration pretty well. I just don't feel I am getting anywhere bug then she tries to point out my progress. For one thing is I have a service dog now and I trained him myself with the assistance of a virtual trainer during COVID. Yet I still struggle to leave my home.
I am also on meds and been on and off all along.
So I have now found this group by googling. I am hoping to find a sense of community, people who get it, some sort of connection between my appt's, and read others journeys and what worked for them. I think it is time I work on getting out with my dogs and doing things with them.
Thank you for reading my story.
(Long post as well)
Hello Everyone
I am very new to all this online items.
My history....There was no love in our home, no emotions of love, no show of love, no words of love. I was always compared to my older siblings, yes I am the youngest by 5 and 6 years. I was never good enough, never did good enough, and was isolating (now that I can remember parts of my childhood) very early. I wanted to die when I was in high school.
I ran and by running I mean I sunk myself into schoolwork. I studied all the time. In college I studied, studied, studied. Never met friends nor went to events. However I was disliked by classmates as I "broke the curve". Once I graduated I ran to many different States away from family. But the demons followed. So I registered to get my Master's degree. I worked and studied, worked and studied, worked and studied. I graduated and had a successful practice. Demons returned. I registered to get my doctorate. I worked and studied, worked and studied, worked and studies and graduated after 18 months. During these times I went to different counselors and was admitted 4 times. At a one family session, the counselor ask my parents to let me know that they love me. The couldn't say the words! They couldn't touch me. That was the one and only family session. Back then I was diagnosed as Major Depression and Dysphoric. No one asked me about my family. BTW, this was in the 80's and 90's. I just continued to work and kept busy reading journals and never finding any true friends or relationships. I continued to move from State to State. Focusing only on my career kept me distracted....now I am learning disassociated if that is correct.
I finally landed where I am. I got to the point I could not handle working anymore I needed some coping mechanisms to survive until I could retire which was 6 months out. I found a counselor. She finally got to the bottom of all my traumas of which are several from childhood, to surviving a plane crash with losing my best mentor during college, and other traumas. She then told me about CPTSD. She as had me read some books. I just haven't really "bought in" I guess as I feel so empty, unloved, lost, unworthy, isolated, lonely, anxious. I hardly ever leave my house. If it weren't for my dogs I would likely have no interactions with anything. I only leave to see the counselor. I have been with her 3.5 years but seems like I have made no progress. Every day is a struggle. She has been patient but I feel she does get frustrated with me but denies it. I think I can read frustration pretty well. I just don't feel I am getting anywhere bug then she tries to point out my progress. For one thing is I have a service dog now and I trained him myself with the assistance of a virtual trainer during COVID. Yet I still struggle to leave my home.
I am also on meds and been on and off all along.
So I have now found this group by googling. I am hoping to find a sense of community, people who get it, some sort of connection between my appt's, and read others journeys and what worked for them. I think it is time I work on getting out with my dogs and doing things with them.
Thank you for reading my story.
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