Thank you for your support Blueberry. I'm so sorry that you were abused in the same way <3
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#2
Sexual Abuse / Re: TW CSA I need to say exactly what happened
July 26, 2025, 03:46:13 PM
Thank you so much Dalloway. Thank you for sharing your experience of feeling completely alone and like the world had forgotten about you after being abused. That was exactly how I felt as a child. I'm so sorry you felt the same way growing up. I've also struggled with shame and blame throughout my life. I'm so sorry this has been your experience as well.
As ridiculous as it sounds, the little girl inside me is still afraid that if anyone knows that she was very regularly spanked with all her clothes taken away from the waist down that people will think she's a very bad girl who behaves horribly. As a child, my parents hid from me that I had been diagnosed with autism and they spanked me for doing all of the normal things that autistic children do.
I've struggled all my life with believing I'm a bad person who deserves to be punished and I'm still trying to learn that that isn't true. Learning that I'm autistic and that I was sexually assaulted has really helped with this process.
Thank you so much to you and Kizzie for your replies. This is helping the little girl inside me understand that being spanked doesn't mean that she's a bad girl. It means she had bad parents.
As ridiculous as it sounds, the little girl inside me is still afraid that if anyone knows that she was very regularly spanked with all her clothes taken away from the waist down that people will think she's a very bad girl who behaves horribly. As a child, my parents hid from me that I had been diagnosed with autism and they spanked me for doing all of the normal things that autistic children do.
I've struggled all my life with believing I'm a bad person who deserves to be punished and I'm still trying to learn that that isn't true. Learning that I'm autistic and that I was sexually assaulted has really helped with this process.
Thank you so much to you and Kizzie for your replies. This is helping the little girl inside me understand that being spanked doesn't mean that she's a bad girl. It means she had bad parents.
#3
Sexual Abuse / Re: TW CSA I need to say exactly what happened
July 25, 2025, 06:34:00 PM
Thank you Kizzie. I've been too ashamed to say this to anyone for about 30 years because like so many people, I grew up hearing my parents say that they had to do this to me because I was so bad and it was my fault. So I never told anyone all the details of what happened because I was ashamed and thought I was dirty and disgusting and that it was my fault.
Now in my adult life, whenever I think I've been very bad, I watch or read porn of women being brutally spanked. Recently there were a few months where I was able to visualize comforting my inner child and imagining that I had adopted her and that was very helpful. But I recently had a relapse where I've gone back to watching the severe spanking videos and I'm really trying to learn that I don't need to be physically or sexually punished whenever I'm not perfect, but it is such a hard mental pathway to break when it's literally beaten into you from childhood.
Thank you so much for creating a space for survivors to share our stories <3
Now in my adult life, whenever I think I've been very bad, I watch or read porn of women being brutally spanked. Recently there were a few months where I was able to visualize comforting my inner child and imagining that I had adopted her and that was very helpful. But I recently had a relapse where I've gone back to watching the severe spanking videos and I'm really trying to learn that I don't need to be physically or sexually punished whenever I'm not perfect, but it is such a hard mental pathway to break when it's literally beaten into you from childhood.
Thank you so much for creating a space for survivors to share our stories <3
#4
Sexual Abuse / TW CSA I need to say exactly what happened
July 25, 2025, 11:05:03 AM
TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHILD SEXUAL, PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL ABUSE
I've never been able to say the full details of exactly how I was sexually abused in childhood. I've been holding it inside for 30 years and I need to say it now.
I am autistic. What that looks like for me is that my nervous system is like a lightening rod. I cannot cope with life the way other people do. When my fight or flight is activated, I have meltdowns. I scream, I cry, and I definitely cannot reason logically or try to understand other people's intentions. The dial on all of my 5 senses is turned up to a volume that most people will never reach. And submitting my body to being physically controlled or taken over by another person feels like I'm dying.
Both of my parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and are likely also sadistic psychopaths. They delight in other people's pain and fear. The greatest pleasure they can experience is the wide smiles and cackling laughs they enjoy when hurting another person. They love hitting and controlling their children and each other. Their greatest joy in life is violating another person, rendering them powerless, and sitting back and laughing at them.
When I was a child, since I was at most 5 and probably before, my parents would grab me, hold both of my arms behind my back, and spank me as hard as they possibly could, only and always on my most sensitive sit spot, usually about 50 times. They did this about once or twice a week from the time I was about 5 until the time I was 12. They only stopped when I was 12 because I got my period.
To justify spanking me, they would provoke me to the point where I had an autistic meltdown. Usually my brother was hitting me or sexually touching me and I told my parents about it. They would tell me I was lying and being a tattle tale. Because I'm autistic, I would scream louder and insist that he really did open my door to look at me naked while I was changing, or sexually assault me, or whip my thighs with the chain of the broken backyard swing, or whatever he had done that time to harm me. My parents would tell me I was lying and that my brother would never do that and that if I kept lying, they were going to spank me.
Because I was an autistic child, I would scream louder and louder that I wasn't lying and scream louder and louder that they couldn't spank me. Then my mom or dad would grab me and start hauling me down to the basement while I screamed at the top of my lungs and physically fought them to get free. My brother would watch and laugh and taunt me and follow us down to the basement so he could watch it happen.
After my parent pulled me to the sofa and sat down, I would physically fight them the entire time they were trying to get me to hold still. I would scream, punch them, scratch them, spit in their face, and do everything I could to beat their hands away me. Sometimes I would manage to fight them off and run away up the stairs and into the bathroom to get myself behind a locked door. I would stay in the bathroom pressing the entire force of my body against the locked door and holding the doorknob lock shut with my hand as my parent screamed, and punched, and kicked, and tried to physically beat the door down. Most of the time once I got myself behind the locked door and pressed it shut with my body, they would only try to beat it down for about half an hour before giving up and I would spend the night sleeping on the bathroom floor until school the next day.
But usually, I was not able to physically fight them off and they would hold me so I couldn't get away. Once I was in position, they would start the spanking. They only ever spanked my sensitive sit spot. Sometimes they would miss and hit me there again to make up for the miss. They would scream about how bad I was and how much they hated me and how much they wished I was dead or never born. Sometimes my father would force me to call him "sir" and say "Sir, yes sir" or "I'm sorry sir." I would always start by refusing to do that and he would scream louder and spank harder until I eventually gave in and called him "sir." My brother would laugh hysterically and point and jump up and down and taunt me while repeating that I was getting a bare bottom spanking.
If I tried to cover my bum, they hit my hand away and spanked me more. Sometimes they would make me count and it was always either to 50 or 100 spanks. I remember getting to 70 and skipping to 90 and hoping they wouldn't notice. Then they would start over and I would end up being spanked 200 times. I would struggle to escape for most of the spanking and they hit me so hard that my body rocked and shook.
By the end of a spanking, my bum felt like it had been set on fire. At the end, my mom or dad would throw me off their lap onto the floor and I'd hit the ground with a thud, sometimes hitting my head. The basement floor was concrete covered by thin carpet. They'd say "Now think about what you've done" and then go back upstairs. My brother would stay behind to jump up and down and point and laugh for a while after my parent had left, but once I was lying still on the floor and just crying, he would quickly get bored and go back upstairs. My bum would hurt so badly that I couldn't move. I would just lie on the sofa on my stomach, alone and in pain, and cry myself to sleep and spend the night in the basement.
About 10 years ago, I was retraumatized by a psychologist who violated my consent during an inner child visualisation exercise. She told me to imagine my adult self going down into the basement, comforting my child self, and then leaving her behind. In the psychologist's office, I cried and said I didn't want to leave my inner child behind. I said I wanted to imagine adopting her and bringing her to the present with me. My psychologist said I couldn't imagine that because if I did, I wasn't accepting what happened and leaving it in the past. At the time, I believed my psychologist and imagined leaving my inner child behind.
Since that day, I've been sexually assaulted by 2 partners, 1 family member, and 2 medical professionals because I was too afraid to say no. For four years, my psychologist slowly trained me to be afraid to say no to authority figures - something I was never afraid to do before. Now when I try to redo the inner child visualisation my way, I flash back to that psychologist and feel guilty even though visualizing rescuing and adopting my inner child helps me feel safe and empowered and helps me have a more integrated, less fragmented sense of self.
I've never been able to say the full details of exactly how I was sexually abused in childhood. I've been holding it inside for 30 years and I need to say it now.
I am autistic. What that looks like for me is that my nervous system is like a lightening rod. I cannot cope with life the way other people do. When my fight or flight is activated, I have meltdowns. I scream, I cry, and I definitely cannot reason logically or try to understand other people's intentions. The dial on all of my 5 senses is turned up to a volume that most people will never reach. And submitting my body to being physically controlled or taken over by another person feels like I'm dying.
Both of my parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and are likely also sadistic psychopaths. They delight in other people's pain and fear. The greatest pleasure they can experience is the wide smiles and cackling laughs they enjoy when hurting another person. They love hitting and controlling their children and each other. Their greatest joy in life is violating another person, rendering them powerless, and sitting back and laughing at them.
When I was a child, since I was at most 5 and probably before, my parents would grab me, hold both of my arms behind my back, and spank me as hard as they possibly could, only and always on my most sensitive sit spot, usually about 50 times. They did this about once or twice a week from the time I was about 5 until the time I was 12. They only stopped when I was 12 because I got my period.
To justify spanking me, they would provoke me to the point where I had an autistic meltdown. Usually my brother was hitting me or sexually touching me and I told my parents about it. They would tell me I was lying and being a tattle tale. Because I'm autistic, I would scream louder and insist that he really did open my door to look at me naked while I was changing, or sexually assault me, or whip my thighs with the chain of the broken backyard swing, or whatever he had done that time to harm me. My parents would tell me I was lying and that my brother would never do that and that if I kept lying, they were going to spank me.
Because I was an autistic child, I would scream louder and louder that I wasn't lying and scream louder and louder that they couldn't spank me. Then my mom or dad would grab me and start hauling me down to the basement while I screamed at the top of my lungs and physically fought them to get free. My brother would watch and laugh and taunt me and follow us down to the basement so he could watch it happen.
After my parent pulled me to the sofa and sat down, I would physically fight them the entire time they were trying to get me to hold still. I would scream, punch them, scratch them, spit in their face, and do everything I could to beat their hands away me. Sometimes I would manage to fight them off and run away up the stairs and into the bathroom to get myself behind a locked door. I would stay in the bathroom pressing the entire force of my body against the locked door and holding the doorknob lock shut with my hand as my parent screamed, and punched, and kicked, and tried to physically beat the door down. Most of the time once I got myself behind the locked door and pressed it shut with my body, they would only try to beat it down for about half an hour before giving up and I would spend the night sleeping on the bathroom floor until school the next day.
But usually, I was not able to physically fight them off and they would hold me so I couldn't get away. Once I was in position, they would start the spanking. They only ever spanked my sensitive sit spot. Sometimes they would miss and hit me there again to make up for the miss. They would scream about how bad I was and how much they hated me and how much they wished I was dead or never born. Sometimes my father would force me to call him "sir" and say "Sir, yes sir" or "I'm sorry sir." I would always start by refusing to do that and he would scream louder and spank harder until I eventually gave in and called him "sir." My brother would laugh hysterically and point and jump up and down and taunt me while repeating that I was getting a bare bottom spanking.
If I tried to cover my bum, they hit my hand away and spanked me more. Sometimes they would make me count and it was always either to 50 or 100 spanks. I remember getting to 70 and skipping to 90 and hoping they wouldn't notice. Then they would start over and I would end up being spanked 200 times. I would struggle to escape for most of the spanking and they hit me so hard that my body rocked and shook.
By the end of a spanking, my bum felt like it had been set on fire. At the end, my mom or dad would throw me off their lap onto the floor and I'd hit the ground with a thud, sometimes hitting my head. The basement floor was concrete covered by thin carpet. They'd say "Now think about what you've done" and then go back upstairs. My brother would stay behind to jump up and down and point and laugh for a while after my parent had left, but once I was lying still on the floor and just crying, he would quickly get bored and go back upstairs. My bum would hurt so badly that I couldn't move. I would just lie on the sofa on my stomach, alone and in pain, and cry myself to sleep and spend the night in the basement.
About 10 years ago, I was retraumatized by a psychologist who violated my consent during an inner child visualisation exercise. She told me to imagine my adult self going down into the basement, comforting my child self, and then leaving her behind. In the psychologist's office, I cried and said I didn't want to leave my inner child behind. I said I wanted to imagine adopting her and bringing her to the present with me. My psychologist said I couldn't imagine that because if I did, I wasn't accepting what happened and leaving it in the past. At the time, I believed my psychologist and imagined leaving my inner child behind.
Since that day, I've been sexually assaulted by 2 partners, 1 family member, and 2 medical professionals because I was too afraid to say no. For four years, my psychologist slowly trained me to be afraid to say no to authority figures - something I was never afraid to do before. Now when I try to redo the inner child visualisation my way, I flash back to that psychologist and feel guilty even though visualizing rescuing and adopting my inner child helps me feel safe and empowered and helps me have a more integrated, less fragmented sense of self.
#6
Family / Re: I Have No Family Members
April 19, 2025, 04:28:47 AM
Thank you NarcKiddo, I really appreciate your comment. I really hadn't considered that possibility before. Thanks for reminding me that I can define and redefine relationship dynamics in a unique way that works for me and the other person or people in the dynamic 
#7
Family / Re: I Have No Family Members
April 18, 2025, 04:33:47 AM
For years I dreamed of fostering and/or adopting from foster care, but unfortunately I had a traumatic brain injury a couple of years ago and now I have extremely poor impulse control and emotional regulation. I was never impulsive or quick to anger in my life and it's been a big adjustment just learning to cope with this. I'm still learning and practicing strategies but my progress is slow. I have also always been quite poor in terms of finances, so realistically, I would not be able to provide a safe and supportive environment for a child. That's been a process to come to terms with as well. But thank you for trying to help find solutions and showing support Kizzie, I really appreciate it.
#8
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Former Daddy's Girl
April 13, 2025, 03:13:24 AM
Thank you so much Dalloway. Yes, you hit the nail on the head; that's pretty much exactly how I feel about my father. The relationship I thought we had was beautiful and worth fighting to save, but the man he told me he was never really existed at all. When I decided to go no contact, I thought "In order to stay alive, I need to love myself. But I can't love him and me. Because loving him is being unloving to me."
And in the end I chose me and that saved me so that I was able to have genuinely beautiful and healthy relationships with other people who are kind and real.
Thank you for reading
And in the end I chose me and that saved me so that I was able to have genuinely beautiful and healthy relationships with other people who are kind and real.
Thank you for reading
#9
Poetry & Creative Writing / Former Daddy's Girl
April 11, 2025, 03:34:24 AM
I've been writing songs for over 20 years, but I almost never share them with anyone. Last year, I shared a song I wrote at a women's centre group therapy meeting for survivors of child abuse. The other members of the group therapy were moved by the song, but only 6 people at the women's centre and one of my best friends have ever heard it. These are the lyrics to the song. I hope it finds someone who needs it.
Former Daddy's Girl
I was a daddy's girl
He pushed me on my swing
Told me about astronauts
And listened to me sing
I was a daddy's girl
His dream was to fly
And I wanted to watch him
Soar across the sky
He told me that he loved me
And I always believed it
He told me when he hurt me
He couldn't control it
I'd never let another man treat me that way
But I was a daddy's girl
So I looked the other way
He said the reason why
He threw me on the floor
Was just the brandy, no
He wouldn't do it anymore
I'd climb the tree out back
Look up at all the planes
For college I flew five hours
To be somewhere I was safe
He told me that he loved me
And I always believed it
He told me when he hurt me
He couldn't control it
I'd never let another man treat me that way
But I was a daddy's girl
So I looked the other way
He finally got his plane
I never watched him fly
In all those years he'd done too many things to make me cry
And in that final year
Before I left for good
I let go of the man I thought I knew in my childhood
He told me that he loved me
And I didn't believe it
I knew that when he hurt me
He could've controlled it
I'll never let any man treat me that way
Now I'm not a daddy's girl
I won't look the other way
Now I'm not a daddy's girl
I won't look the other way
Former Daddy's Girl
I was a daddy's girl
He pushed me on my swing
Told me about astronauts
And listened to me sing
I was a daddy's girl
His dream was to fly
And I wanted to watch him
Soar across the sky
He told me that he loved me
And I always believed it
He told me when he hurt me
He couldn't control it
I'd never let another man treat me that way
But I was a daddy's girl
So I looked the other way
He said the reason why
He threw me on the floor
Was just the brandy, no
He wouldn't do it anymore
I'd climb the tree out back
Look up at all the planes
For college I flew five hours
To be somewhere I was safe
He told me that he loved me
And I always believed it
He told me when he hurt me
He couldn't control it
I'd never let another man treat me that way
But I was a daddy's girl
So I looked the other way
He finally got his plane
I never watched him fly
In all those years he'd done too many things to make me cry
And in that final year
Before I left for good
I let go of the man I thought I knew in my childhood
He told me that he loved me
And I didn't believe it
I knew that when he hurt me
He could've controlled it
I'll never let any man treat me that way
Now I'm not a daddy's girl
I won't look the other way
Now I'm not a daddy's girl
I won't look the other way
#10
Family / I Have No Family Members
April 11, 2025, 03:08:09 AM
I finally have found family who love me and who I truly love. I thought this would make everything better, but it doesn't. All of my found family have biological family and I never will. There is a special kind of deep seated wound that can truly never heal when it's too dangerous to have any biological family. Every single blood family member I have is either a violent monster or an enabler of a violent monster. I don't want to get married or have kids (I'm autistic, aromantic, and asexual), so I will effectively never have any family.
I always wanted a family so badly that I tried to force myself to be someone I'm not and almost got married and had kids because I wanted a family so badly. But that was never what I wanted and I was so miserable that I needed to leave the relationship. The pain of not having parents, siblings, or anyone is so overwhelming that I feel like I can't bear it. I wish I could be part of a family through my friends but none of them live in my city, and even of they did, I would never be on the same level as their family and partners.
I'm lucky to have my dog but she'll be gone in about 5 years because she's getting older. I wish I had a family.
I always wanted a family so badly that I tried to force myself to be someone I'm not and almost got married and had kids because I wanted a family so badly. But that was never what I wanted and I was so miserable that I needed to leave the relationship. The pain of not having parents, siblings, or anyone is so overwhelming that I feel like I can't bear it. I wish I could be part of a family through my friends but none of them live in my city, and even of they did, I would never be on the same level as their family and partners.
I'm lucky to have my dog but she'll be gone in about 5 years because she's getting older. I wish I had a family.
#11
Inner Child Work / Re: Needing to Reassure My Inner Child
March 20, 2025, 11:16:31 PM
Thanks so much for your reply Blueberry, and I'm so sorry to hear that you were harmed by that form of punishment as well. Yes, I healed from being sick, took the exam yesterday, and it went very well. I was eventually able to calm my Inner Child down by finding a fan fiction story about two mothers who adopted a little girl who had been badly hurt. In the story, they promise her that they will never physically punish her and she eventually feels safe enough to believe them.
I also used another strategy that I had been wanting to try for a long time and it worked very well. I wrote out a list of "House Rules," laminated them, and put them on my fridge. One of the rules is that there are no punishments in our house, and another one is that everyone's bodily needs (food, water, sleep, medicine, etc.) need to be met right away, no exceptions. My IC and I read the house rules together a few times, read a few chapters of the fan fiction, and got in some good cuddle time with her favourite stuffed animal and then she wasn't so afraid anymore.
I'm so sorry you were harmed as a child Blueberry and I really relate to not being able to read about or hear about that form of punishment. For about 25 years, I wasn't able to see the word, hear the word, or say the word without having a full blown panic attack. But as you say, things get easier with time and now I'm able to read, hear, and say the word out loud without feeling afraid. For me, it's become sort of like saying the word Voldemort. If you can say the monster's name, it loses its power.
Thanks again for checking in Blueberry and I wish you the best on your healing journey.
I also used another strategy that I had been wanting to try for a long time and it worked very well. I wrote out a list of "House Rules," laminated them, and put them on my fridge. One of the rules is that there are no punishments in our house, and another one is that everyone's bodily needs (food, water, sleep, medicine, etc.) need to be met right away, no exceptions. My IC and I read the house rules together a few times, read a few chapters of the fan fiction, and got in some good cuddle time with her favourite stuffed animal and then she wasn't so afraid anymore.
I'm so sorry you were harmed as a child Blueberry and I really relate to not being able to read about or hear about that form of punishment. For about 25 years, I wasn't able to see the word, hear the word, or say the word without having a full blown panic attack. But as you say, things get easier with time and now I'm able to read, hear, and say the word out loud without feeling afraid. For me, it's become sort of like saying the word Voldemort. If you can say the monster's name, it loses its power.
Thanks again for checking in Blueberry and I wish you the best on your healing journey.
#12
Inner Child Work / Needing to Reassure My Inner Child
March 16, 2025, 07:23:24 PM
Hi all 
I was extremely sick last weekend when I needed to prepare for a big upcoming exam. I ended up getting the medicine and rest I needed to heal, but I'm very behind in my exam preparation. I still have enough time to do decently well on the exam, but my inner child is terrified. She's convinced that it's her fault for getting sick and that she's going to be screamed at/spanked/punished for falling behind with homework.
I've been reassuring her for days that she's not in trouble, that I'll protect her, and that no one will hurt her, but she's still afraid. I've tried focusing her attention on all her wonderful qualities and all the things that make her feel safe. For some reason, nothing seems to work. She's convinced that someone (not me) is going to spank her and yell at her. She has an intense phobia of spanking as being harmed this way was such a huge and long-term part of her life; it's baked into her understanding of how the world works. No matter what I do to comfort and reassure her, the fear sticks.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
I was extremely sick last weekend when I needed to prepare for a big upcoming exam. I ended up getting the medicine and rest I needed to heal, but I'm very behind in my exam preparation. I still have enough time to do decently well on the exam, but my inner child is terrified. She's convinced that it's her fault for getting sick and that she's going to be screamed at/spanked/punished for falling behind with homework. I've been reassuring her for days that she's not in trouble, that I'll protect her, and that no one will hurt her, but she's still afraid. I've tried focusing her attention on all her wonderful qualities and all the things that make her feel safe. For some reason, nothing seems to work. She's convinced that someone (not me) is going to spank her and yell at her. She has an intense phobia of spanking as being harmed this way was such a huge and long-term part of her life; it's baked into her understanding of how the world works. No matter what I do to comfort and reassure her, the fear sticks.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
#13
Sexual Abuse / Re: I'm Angry
March 10, 2025, 06:57:41 AM
Thank you so much Maria, Kizzie, and Papa Coco. It helps to know I'm not alone in what I've survived, but it's always so sad to hear that others have been harmed in similar ways. Tonight I spent two hours on the phone with two different help lines for this kind of abuse, and I finally said the word out loud for the kind of criminal my mother is. I called her that by name and it felt surreal. It's been so much easier to tell help lines that my father is one. But today was the first day that I ever called my mother what she is for what she did to my brother and me. I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to think. The truth is inconceivable. I needed to take a sick day from work tomorrow.
#14
Sexual Abuse / Re: I'm Angry
March 04, 2025, 02:41:45 PM
Thank you so much Maria, it means a lot <3
#15
Sexual Abuse / I'm Angry
March 04, 2025, 04:48:30 AM
I am so incredibly angry that so many people did so many despicable things to my body for so many years. It started when I was at most 3, and the last time it happened I was 30. In my entire life, there was only one person who ever touched me who saw me as a full human being and had genuinely positive feelings toward me. And it was men AND women. As a kid and as an adult, it was men AND women. We need to talk about how anyone can do this of any gender. I've spent a lifetime being sad and I'm ready to be angry.