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I spoke out about something that mattered to me. Felt so much fear and dread but still did it

The topic of chapter 5 in Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon is 'fearing internal experience', maybe that's helpful?

If this is an inherited trait then:
1. It's going to cause problems in any relationship I ever have

How you view yourself, your attitude, how your respond to life and how okay you are with being who you are will define your all relationships; being a highly sensitive person doesn't.

2. There is no point "healing" because I'm so easily traumatized that my cptsd is guaranteed to be triggered again and again.

Healing would mean not getting (re)traumatized so healing is the only point there is really.

3. I have to "adjust" my life around unwanted traits. Avoid shopping centre at peak hour etc.

Why? If those situations are where the problems arise than those are the places where you can work on yourself.

The thing I'm finding hard to get my head around though is why should I adjust my life to suit personality traits that are causing significant pain, impairment and dysfunction in my life. Why should I accept these things if they are causing so much distress?? Am I a child?? Do I honestly need people to baby me my whole life? Just because "it's inherited and just the way I am"?

Who is telling you to accept all these things? You accept that they're here now but you also have to accept that you have to work on them to get better. Maybe you're confusing accepting with giving up?

its a total burden. I don't see why I have to spend the rest of my life getting offended by everything people say to me, and I really don't see why I have to spend the rest of my life feeling other people's pain. If we all have neural pathways that can be changed, why would I accept that over sensitivity is something I have to live with??

What I'm about to say is in my opinion the most important thing someone who is in the state you're in can hear; no one can offend you but you. Other people's words/opinions about you can only hurt when they resonate with painful words/opinions you believe about yourself.

It's a burden, no doubt,  but the main point is that you get to a point where you feel you deserve to work on and shift to burden to freedom.

Thoughts?

I don't want to be blunt or disrespectful but I feel this is good to put out there because this topic comes up a lot; I think that you like some/a lot of people use the word 'highly sensitive' as an excuse to not have to look at the facts that you feeling offended has to do with you viewing yourself in a negative way. It's wanting to blame other people for how you feel about yourself.

Being sensitive is a quality; believing in painfully negative thought about yourself (and making who you are a painful experience) is unawareness of identifying with your inner critic. Towards yourself that is highly UNsensitive.

Also very important; let's say you heal your CPTSD, would you still have the same result on the test for being highly sensitive? Follow up question; if you would change how you think and feel about yourself in a positive way, would you get the same result on the test for being highly sensitive?

Because having feelings meant Bad Things would happen.  Because having feelings would cause other people to have feelings and that meant that Bad Things would happen.

Thank you for writing, especially these words, it really hit home in a good way

This is something I struggle with as well, I can something feel this chunk of feelings stuck in my head but it won't release yet. I had some moments when authentic crying (after working on/with myself for a long time)  so no reason to believe the rest won't come out as well, in due time

As long as you're not aware of something like this there is no way to change it so you've already made the first step

I think what could help is instead of getting engaged with these kind of thoughts and feelings you could just be aware of them and letting them be. Just look at the thoughts and experience that you're not those thoughts, you're the one who is aware of them here and now. To get caught up/lost in thoughts you have to give them most of your attention, the moment you realize you're lost in thought is the moment to redirect you attention (not thoughts!) to the present moment and then notice ''I got lost in thought and now I'm back'. Then you can start thinking about how to constructively work on what you would like to see happen and maybe even feel some relief and satisfaction when you accomplish those things

It's very hard to do when you whole life you've been stuck in thought and your whole system is conditioned to be that way, there is also no point in getting angry at getting lost in thought because it happens unconsciously, that's what dissociation is; you not aware the moment is happens. What you can do it unlearn to blame yourself (that's just more critic stuff) for it (it's how you're wired at the moment) and get back in the present.

When I was still using Xanax heavily I kinda convinced myself it was just to take the edge of, no big deal. Then one time something went wrong with the order/delivery and for a moment it look like I might have to do a day without.....and I went ballistic, no other way to describe it. I still feel sorry for the poor lady who answered the phone when I had to call to correct the order. So what I believed about why I used Xanax and how it really was was quite different, which goes for most (addiction) believes of course, and shortly after it made me very aware of how depended it was. Also I realized that that wasn't what I wanted.

It's easy to say things like ''the more you try to control the panic the more panic has control over you'' and ''it's not the panic that's the problem, it's the (unconscious) fear of panic, of feeling'' and that may very all be true but when you're so deep in that panic state you lose contact with having constructive/helpful thoughts. That's something not many people understand, when you're so in it that panic. fear and the idea of it never getting better or ending is completely gone. I'm at a point where I can feel fear/panic without dissociating, without getting lost in thought, which a few years back just wasn't possible at all.

So I really believe that before facing fear/panic, letting go of resistance and really feeling what you're feeling that has to be some kind of management possible, if only to fall back on/in after you faced it by choice or if something happened. It's necessary to be able to calm yourself back down so to not overload your system further and make space for future action. I understand the blame and let's be realistic; you're doing what you can. Be kind to yourself, let yourself have (enjoy?) those moment because they're necessary, there's a function to them, and they're part of where you area at at this time

i feel like i, as most people, need loving relationships to recover from trauma

To recover from trauma you need a loving relationship with yourself. Feeling safe has to do with feeling confident in being who you are, it's not something people or things outside of you can give you.

Ask yourself what you need and then work on giving that to yourself. That will make your rich personality wise and give your something to share with others

Cold feet, the literal kind. Feels especially weird/annoying when I have a head that feels warm from adrenaline yet my feet feel like bricks of ice. One time my body relaxed somehow and my feet returned to normal temperature, felt surprisingly nice.

I find myself repeating the same patterns in relationship and hoping for different results. I find myself getting hurt and angry because, like an addict, I keep making bad choices to avoid the discomfort of being out of the types of situations in which I have become so comfortable. I know that I need to stop the cycle, and that I'm the only person who can do it, but I really don't know how.

To change patterns in your life you need to change how you view yourself, your self image, because that's where your ideas on how you should behave come from. Are you in therapy?

You seem to define yourself only in relation to women, which makes your self image about them and not yourself. I think it's important you get help with finding out who you are, your own individual identity and working on making that a stable and positive one

Recognizing that you believe those things is the first step in letting them go (you're the one believing in them so they are not who you are), but for now be kind to yourself and you can be proud for telling about it!

I realize now through this discussion that I do think of mediation as a process of going deeper inside my self.  That's where the trauma resides so it really is scary. Thinking of meditation in terms of learning to focus and be in the present, however, is much more appealing.   

I understand what you mean, although for me it's the other way around; I would like to get to where the trauma resides but there is a great big blockade and I can't reach it. I know I shouldn't even want to force it but walking around with this big, black hole in myself gets pretty frustrating.

Lot of posts in this topics that I could've written myself, lot of recognizing. I've never and can't really see myself ever talking about this with anyone, it's too much of a danger zone. I don't know how and if I could handle a reaction, positive or negative, because it's such a triggering topic. Also, I don't want to be confronted with it afterwards and there's no guarantee that won't happen.

I think that when I've healed more and it's not so much of a difficult topic for me I'll be able to talk about it more, of maybe just talk about myself more easily with others. When I think of me it's almost all CPTSD/symptoms,and a past I can't bring into words, not to easiest way to start a conversation.

My biggest trigger is making progress, if that makes any sense. I get tired, feel (extremely) down, angry and annoyed. This deep frustration comes out and overshadows everything. I know it's part of the two steps forward, one step back process and it's heavily inner critic related. It has been getting easier to recognize it and not to worry too much about it, to see it as a moment of consolidation and processing. It's weird to rationally see and understand it while feeling and emotion wise still feeling like a wreck.

Hi

That sounds like a lot of abuse and a lot of pressure to take, and that's putting it mildly. It would be easy for me to say that what you've experienced definitely would cause CPTSD (I certainly believe so) but if you want to know sure than this book is great http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK I think you'll recognize more than a lot of yourself in there.

I think to heal CPTSD you need a therapist who really understands what it is so maybe you could look for someone who specializes in it? Are you still in contact with your family?