Messages

Hi PC!

Kudos to your grandson!  Wishing all the luck for the big race. 

No worries about being on the boards. 

I feel you about getting rid of stuff.  I have been going through something similar.  I can say though that as I rid myself of "stuff" it feels like I have more room to allow myself to expand into.  IDK if I'll become a hardcore minimalist, I do see the attraction to that lifestyle though. 

Wishing you and yours all the best.

Wow Friday the 13th 2025

Was a very bad day for the Templars back in 1307.  Isn't odd how an event some 700+ years ago has turned into this "thing"?  Makes a body wonder about many things. 

Anyway, got motivated this AM to start working on all the sh-te left behind from the step-son.  I realize that a lot of his behavior is trauma based and at the same time.. totally irks the snot out of me.  Dirty dishes / silverware that were buried under various "gamer" debris.  He drinks diet soda and like empty soda cases -n- cans piled in a corner.  Other bits and bobs of "gamer" .. IDK what you would call it, like 1/2 empty hard plastic clam-shell things of micro dice, various cards and card sleeves from pokemon, magic the gathering, yada yada yada, I totally get having a hobby, or 5, and yet..(insert cuss phrase here).  And going through his "food" he left in the fridge, sauces that he bought and used like once and sat there until way past best by date.   

I am not the most organized person ever. There are times where dishes will be in the sink, or the clean clothes remain in a laundry basket for a while. The shelves behind what I'm using for a desk has bits and bobs of small tools that are electronics related, fountain pen friendly paper, phototog stuff, computer stuff, it's all stuff that I use on the regular.  Where working on getting his crapola packed just off a one of those folding tables that he was using for a desk.. fast food napkins, straws, usb sticks / cables it's like What the ____!?!?   In many ways it reminds me of the former spouse where she would have storage containers inside storage containers inside storage containers inside storage containers, so the external visually was organized, while popping the top of a outer most storage container showed the chaos inside, and the step son .. did? allowed? created? the chaos. 

This also caused me to realize that the person in the role of mother in the family I was placed in as an adopted, she was a hoarder, which is also a sign of trauma.  And the step son in a way is also a hoarder.  The visual chaos created, the crap I grew up in.. Imagine being ashamed to have school friends over because of the piles and piles of sh-t that were being saved because of "it might be useful some day" meanwhile ragging on my backside about maintaining the "good standing" of the family in the small town.  Like really?  (Insert another cuss phrase here that is longer and more colorful than the first one)

I understand about "prepping" I mean I have been through some events you know? food, water, tools, equipment, etc in the event of ______.  But what the person in the role of mother didn't.  It was some sort of something.. Empty plastic milk jugs, newsprint, magazines, clothes much much too small, stubs of crayons, dishes and more dishes, enough pots and pans for a decent sized commercial kitchen,  and canned foods, like no rotation at all, so the condensed soup in the back would be 4,5,6, years out of date, the freezer was the same way, and it was cruft and more cruft and more cruft.  Seriously, there were paths a person had to follow to get to other places in the house.  And then she'd kvetch about mice, silverfish, crickets and such.   Yeah. 

Sigh.  It's not like there wasn't any usable stuff gathered up by the person in the role of mother, it's that the useful stuff, fabric, small kitchen appliances, artist supplies, musical instruments, sewing machines, were used as the excuse for all the other hoarding.  And the "stuff" that was going to be flipped for $$ never was. 
 

The city trash bin is about loaded.  I'm attempting to get as much trash in it as possible before the truck comes for pickup. 

Is irksome you know?   Is good that the awareness of these patterns is happening in my thinking meat.  Does make me consider my own actions and the motivations behind them.

I do have keepsakes.  Not many actually.  I do have physical photo's, I have kept a certain selection of art that my daughter has done over the years, I still have mechanic hand tools that came from my Dad that I still use on occasion, have been going through the digital archives and deleting things.  I mean I don't think I need a resume from 1998.  Nor do I need any images of the former spouse.  I realize that it wasn't 100% bad.  It's that the sight triggers an reaction that isn't conducive to my emotional equanimity.  Especially when I realized some time ago that while my emotions towards her were legit and real, the person that she presented to me was a total fiction out the gate.  I do have a digital archive of all the divorce crapola.  Including all the evidence which includes images of her.  That's put up and is the storage medias are not being used on the regular. 

Need to get back after it.

Wishing all the brave souls here.  All the best 

June 11 2025

Well now. 

The worm turns.  I'm not certain concerning the truth of the situation that the person in the role of step-son fed me yesterday.  The result is that he and gf packed up the vehicle with certain personal items and they left this morning heading back to the other state. 

At the current moment it appears to me that he's not going to be returning for the rest of his crap.  Sigh.  Typical pattern from his mother. As the old saying goes "He's got a lot of his momma in him."

 I'll be surprised if he does return to collect his stuff.  However, the quiet is wonderful.  I may have mentioned this before, and it's a allegory to explain energy.  He could be dead out asleep, not snoring, and yet it was "loud". 

Supposedly, the stated plan is that in a couple months (really interesting on how firm the date is) he will return to handle the rest of his junk.  Yeah  There are certain things that I can do tho.. I will take those actions and consolidate all of his stuff into the room he was using as a bedroom. 

Anyway, need to turn my attention to other things.

Wishing all here, all the best

June 8 2025

Interesting. Without getting to deep in the weeds, seems to be that when I stop holding on to ____________ and accept that there might be a negative outcome then things in this realm move with great rapidity resulting in, (at least in this case) a fairly rapid change in circumstances as far as what has been communicated to me.

Have been feeling the need that having a space where it's just me.  Well, person in role of step son, the bugger is 39 - 40, his behavior in many ways is an echo of his mother (yeah the bpd former spouse) in other words, he's got a lot of his momma in him. In general, he puts himself out there as a victim. yes, the cards that he got dealt, not the best but definitely not the worst either.  Annndddd he will do crap that keeps himself in that position. 

This is the joker that I co-signed a car loan for.  Yeah.  Anyway, as soon as I accepted that more than likely he's gonna default on the car note and get it "recovered" then he starts talking about a gal he met online, yada yada yada, he is currently out in that state, having eyes and boots on the ground, which I do give him credit for, and got a call yesterday that he has found employment out there, and that he's coming back with gal in tow on or before the 10th is when gonna be back, to get his crap packed, sold, thrown away or whatever to fully move to the property that the gal has, and basically set up house with her.  There's a lot of hope and pray in his planning, supposedly the gal has to be back no later than July 2. 

I wish him all the best.  With him not being around, the quiet is a good thing.  Ever notice that some people are just "loud"? even when they aren't saying anything?  Like the presence it's self.. Aura? something.. loud and does grate generally speaking.  Hm, could be that because I'm more finely wired as it were to pick up on energy.. and his "juice" is all jangled, sharp, that would make sense.

Anyhoo, I've got some important / valuable items to get boxed so I can stash the stuff at work. Well, PII, birth cert, some precious metals, 35mm film cameras, and need to make sure that all my data is backed up on external drives which are gonna get stashed at work as well.  Thing is, need to have things look like nothing has changed but certain things are no longer in that space.

Wishing all the brave souls here all the best.

Hi Chart 

With me it depends on the church.  Some places of worship are wonderfully full of peace, that silence that is warm and welcoming.  Silence is f-ing odd as h-ll.  Some is great (like places of worship) some hurts, (like the silence after my doggo went over the rainbow bridge) Some is healing.  Some is a echo chamber of the monkey mind.  Yet just because I can't hear something physically doesn't mean that it's silence.  It only means that my sense of hearing isn't sharp enough to pick up the sound waves or that the filter between sub-conscious and conscious in my thinking meat has decided that it's not important. 

Submarine museum?  If that place had actual subs that were used in conflicts, you could have been picking up on the emotional energy impressed into the steel of the subs.  Being in a sub is not a normal thing for humans to begin with and then add in the possibility of sudden death.. That is some next level energy.
 I know that according to current so called science that is hogwash and yet people react to battlefields / instruments of war on the regular.  Personal example.  Along one of the state highways I'd travel to go grocery shopping a decade plus or so ago now, there was a span of about 2 miles where I'd physically react.  I'd get nervous, twitchy, sad mixed with anger and grief. After I traveled beyond a certain point, I was back to the "normal" of before.   I had shrugged it off for a while then come to find out that the highway skirted the edge of a civil war battlefield. From the highway there was no physical sign, no signs on a post, no indicators at all. I know because one time I stopped on the side of the road and used binoculars to scan the terrain.  The battle wasn't "large" in that only some 500-1000 ish men died there.  A mix from both sides. Folks that would walk it would find musket calls peeking out of the ground vegetation, metal buttons, eyelets for shoes etc. The phrase "the earth remembers" comes to mind.  I also think that is why cities are really chaotic in how they "feel".  Same with hospitals.  Or depending on the theory, there might be folks stuck in a type of limbo and they can not fully get to the other side. Which a lot of evidence collected by ghost hunters seems to suggest. 

I'm of the opinion that us humans do pick up on "energy" because it was a survival feature when we were not at the top of the food chain.  Like deer.  Talk to any regular deer hunter. The deer "know" somehow that you are hunting them. They pick up on intent for lack of a better term.   Your grandpa wasn't picking up on what you were.  That's something I've had to deal with as well.  I'd "know" things (my intuition) or act in certain ways to avoid certain people, places, things, as I was growing up.  Just like there are times you just know with 0 doubt that the a--hat that is talking to you is not a good person for you to be talking with.  Where does that knowing come from? Where does that feeling of getting the willies when picking up a a used coffee cup at a yard sale come from? I honestly believe that there is a type of imprinting on things, locations, etc. 

 I have learned the hard way that if I ignore my spidey sense (intuition), I pay for it.  I'm finally realizing that the imprinting? propaganda? I received as a child with the xtain dogma that being a energy sensitive, being hooked into intuition, being able to perceive / sense things, beings, that others didn't, was eeeevvvviiiillll and somehow against the will of God, was all bu--sh-t.  Had nothing to do with God, angels / demons and everything to do with control in this case dogma wrapped up in a xtain wrapper.
On the family dynamic side gotta force that boy into the box of what was believed to be true, not actually true just believed to be true.  Like all the rules, laws, procedures, regulations, etc.  It's all about control and how to extract as much as possible from what should be free range humans. Whether financially, in time, or emotionally / mentally.  ( I admit I did do a deep dive into the rise of the consumer economy after WW2.  holy 5h-t talk about hard core propaganda for profit. Another interesting deep dive was the propaganda to get women to smoke cigarettes that happened in the early 1900's) 

 As far as a species goes.. depends on which point of view you take.  In some ways, I mean look at the tech that allows you and me to communicate across how many thousands of miles of distance on separate Continents?  The infrastructure that allows for hundreds of miles of traveling in a day by a personal vehicle?  Let alone air travel. Moving pictures for entertainment. Recording of music or speech that can be stored and accessed later.  Books / computer storage that allow the information to be accessed years, decades later.  There's some really cool stuff now. Like everything it's a two edged sword.  There are detriments to all this tech as well. 

 The other view is that somehow we have came to believe that we exist outside the system that gave rise to us.  That everything can be reducible down to the nth degree and that can explain the behavior of exceptionally sophisticated complexity.  That there is always only one direction of causality and that if it cannot be measured that it doesn't exist. Along with the idea that humans = bad. Another type of control.  Which to me is the most damaging of all. Along with the idea that humans are here on Earth by chance and chance alone.  Totally missing the fact that maybe the Earth wanted to people.  If the science is to be believed then humans that match us now, today, were around all the way back to 250 to 300 thousand years ago. Yeah. Mind blown. Many a rabbit hole to go down with that chunk of info.

That there are levels to reality that our 5 physical senses cannot access unless we are in a different stage of consciousness.   Just look at the evidence that ghost hunters have gathered.  Or pets that travel hundreds of miles to get to their human across land that they never have visited before.  Déjà vu, taking a different route than you planned at the last minute and find out later you avoided certain death. NDE, OBE, Remote viewing, Pets reacting when their people leave work,  etc. Energy healing, praying for others, all this works! It's all real. Yet this information is treated as if it doesn't exist because some f-er has some paper hanging on a wall and is a "expert".  And it doesn't fall in line with the clockwork universe paradigm. Which is another form of control. 

All these imposed control systems damage people in my opinion. Which then damage the next generation and then the next generation. And that's without any "personality disorders / abusive situations"  What I see out there is the fall-out as far back as when the "church" converted native peoples to that belief system at the point of a sword or even farther back.  There are many ways to build an empire. And if you traumatize folks enough that trauma gets carried forward in that genetic line. And if along the way you can break down the social nature of humans, make them feel like their life is meaningless, a singularity, a replaceable carbon based revenue unit, on one hand and then on the other hand provide a created group that will accept them as long as they behave in the "proper" manner.. welcome to the desert of the now.

 I could be wrong in this however I think that what we are experiencing now in the west is the result of not only toxins in the environment but also the conclusion of all these control systems finally getting to their end stage. 

Chart, I believe that we have a power within to create a space in our environs that has the same effect as a Tibetan monastery.  Meditation is a spiritual practice that has some really good physical benefits besides shutting down the monkey mind. The mantras also have a positive effect. We do listen to ourselves speak all the time. That's why affirmations that are believable are so powerful.  Did you know that most spices used now were used in the past to affect the energy in a space or to alter consciousness to allow access to the spiritual realms?  Sage when smudged clears 98% of all air born virus and bacteria for up to 3 days and clears negative energy. Rosemary does the same thing.  Sweetgrass smudged triggers the endoctrin system via the olfactory nerves stimulating oxytocin production and creates positive energy in that space. Having a celebration and doing a stomp dance on the bare / grass covered ground or having deep bass drumming stimulates the fungal (mushrooms) networks in the soil causing them to become more active and deliver more nutrients to the plants in the area. By having a party, it helps get more food to have a party for?  Nutmeg in large enough amounts acts as a intoxicant and in commonly eaten amounts helps the liver heal besides smelling good.  Black pepper is an antioxidant and helps in the uptake of beta-carotine.  Peppers like the jalapeno, are pest deterrents and reduces blood pressure when eaten and they retain the majority of all nutrients when dried.  As a friend that used to be in intelligence said to me once " having something happen once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern "  This is also an example that like most things that are truly spiritual in nature, there are effects on top of effects on top of effects. EG small input -> Yuge output

I feel you with the getting clear of toxic people. Whether they are blood or not. Toxic is toxic and it seems to me that the ones that yell the loudest about "family should stay together" are the ones that are most toxic. Maybe if they weren't such toxic people, others might want to be around them, you know?  Same pattern as the former spouse. Fuss and fume about family and how important they are and then sh-ts all over 'em.  Friends as well.  The longest friendship she had to my knowing was 20 some years and that was all due to maybe twice a year contact.

 For me when I get to a point where I'm indifferent, where it becomes that they were a person that I used to know, then I know I'm free of that person.  If they live, die, get sick, whatever and I don't care, I've exorcised their emotional hooks from me.  If that makes any sense. Like when I found out that a-mom passed.  Even if I would have been able to go to the funeral and all that, I wouldn't have gone.  Some may see that as selfish. For me though it was the 51% rule, gotta prioritize my own health and wellness over family drama / trauma.

You know, I'm a touch jelly that you are able to travel even if it only in France for the moment.  You lucky bugger you! :-) I love exploring. The idea of going to some location and it's a different culture with different people, seeing amazing things with my own eyeballs, is really attractive to me.  I used to fill the tank on my motorcycle, pick a direction and either stay in that general direction till 1/2 tank or peel off on a connecting road and go till 1/2 tank and then return.  I don't see you relocating to France as fleeing.  It was a stratigic relocation for your improved health and wellness. I'm looking at doing a relocation in the future as well. As I've been digging into the benefits / responsibilities of being a member of a Native Nation.. To maximize the benefits is looking like a move will be in order. The wages are the same there as where I am and overall it's less expensive to live there than where I currently am. Is that fleeing? Or is it going to a healthier place for me?  It has more water in lakes and streams, not to much soil amending needed for killer gardening that won't need much irrigation because of the rainfall, lots of positives and at the same time, I just know that there will be some negatives as well.  That's just how it seems to work in this realm. You know maybe you could pop a long weekend trip to Belgium just to eyeball it a little?

 Is a good thing that you are finding results with the body work.  Me, I'm muddling through.  A bit of body work here and there.  EFT (tapping) for me is helpful especially when the ghosts of memories past pop up. I've also found out that EFT can also be used to help positive statements stick.  Saying out loud what I am thankful for AM and PM helps as well.  Keeps me on my square. It's such that now if I don't, I just don't feel right. 

Chart my friend, I have every confidence in that you will travel, you are seeing amazing things with your own eyeballs, you are having wonderful experiences which if you think about it, when you first got to France, and now what is common place to you? chuckle.  I'm right there with you in the wanting to live.  I want to be in this realm.  I want to see and experience all the wonderful that's available while understanding that there will be some not good at the same time. I don't know what good is coming my way, but I am excited to see it!  The best of luck to you in finding love.  Me? I'll take some more folks that aren't blood but they be family.  You know?     

Indeed, clearing out all the old sh-te emotionally is definitely worth it.  I wish you all the best on your path my friend.  Godspeed

Chart,

I hope you had a good rest.  I didn't but that's OK.  Usually don't when I have a tipple or two. I'm hanging in there.  Thank you for the hugs. 

Clunky is a pretty accurate description.  Big blocks of tangled jangled swirling emotions.  I feel you about the "story" aspects.  The one that was fed to me was the basic propaganda + mental ish from the person in the role of mother.  The whole "She (bio-mother) loved you so much that she gave you up. Aren't you glad that we (meaning her) got you? and then a whole made up scenario of a young unmarried couple from a different state yada yada yada. There for a while I thought that the unmarried couple from out of state was fed to her by a social worker, or attorney, now I'm not so sure of that. And the emphasis on "unmarried" like somehow I'd have been (_______) kid if they had been married? Like having the state involved makes the children "better" somehow.  Course back then being illegitimate was a thing when now it's like meh.  The baby book that she had going for a while .. she wrote down that when I was placed with the family I was already walking yet she changed the story around to one where I wasn't walking yet. She'd tell that story about how I wasn't walking to me on the regular. Soooo yeah. Gaslighting herself?  Or when I would ask about where I came from and the "joke" was that she found me in a cabbage patch, or that I was hatched, or some other BS thing, totally dismissing it, and me. She did that a lot.  As a youngling you accept because if you don't then how are you going to survive?

IDK about age and memory. Somewhere I read something about different types of memory that us humans have.  There is a reason why adopted folks like me are over represented in the prison population for capital crimes, anti-social actions, mental health / personality disorders, substance abuse, self-deletions, As the sapling is bent you know?  My Dad was the saving grace for me. Even with him, lordy it was hard. So hard that words fail to express it.  That emotional distress, the mix of hurt, loss, anger, grief, split loyalty, joy, love, feelings of betrayal, pretending to be like them in defiance of my own genetics,  all the while biology is pushing the grow button.

There would be times where it all got to a point where it would have to come out. I'd have hours long crying jags and Dad, he didn't know what to do, and his spouse, well she took it as an affront to her as a parent I guess. That was a thing with her.  She saw everything as a reflection on her.   So I'd be out somewhere on the farm away from every human, usually hugging on a doggo, ugly crying until I physically couldn't.  Mr. Spock from the OG series was someone I really looked up to. Or to be a machine of some sort that had no feelings, no emotions. Just running programs fed into it that fit others unspoken expectations.

I savvy. Bio-mom family dynamic .. shudder.  Oh mercy not good at all.  All from the person in the role of father.  Lots of mental / emotional abuse and I suspect physical as well and maybe SA, along with an active alcohol addiction. 

I reckon I'm learning on the how to allow preverbal.  The last few days, been having this feeling of seeking "home".  In all of the multi-layered meanings of home. IMO as a wee one, home is mother, then that grows to the other adult, and then to sibs, and then to the people / location.  Even with the knowing of the genetic connection to my ancestors, and being a member of a native Nation, I've lived in the general location I currently reside in for .. next year will be a full decade, and yet at the moment, it's not 'home'.  Don't rightly know where 'home' is.  Figure I'll have to go find it in one way or another.

Writing this led to a spontaneous expression of emotions.  yeah, tears that are so hot that they feel like they are burning your eyelids level + ugly cry.  Feeling much better now.

Silence. That is a tough thing.  Very tough. 

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you Hope. Here is one back for you 

Hope put that very well.
Gosh SH, I think I really know how you feel. "That" sadness is deafening. I just wrote in my journal about a sudden memory that sprang upon me while driving home from work Wednesday. For me it was the Father who walked away... the little smile of hope I threw into the trash heap. And the emptiness that remained in my clenched hands... that sucks bigtime.
Now I mourn. I hug that little boy and tell him how it is now. And it's "okay" to be so sad. We'll cry it out together. He's not alone. Not anymore, I'm on the up and up and I'm gonna look after him like he needed over fifty years ago. Bring on the sadness. Now is the time. Now it's ok. We're not alone.
 

Chart,

Hope is an absolute gem. 

Kids are wired to seek parents, to seek those connections.  It's not the kids fault when the "adults" (a term I use to reference age not competency) F that up.  However as a child, we think we are the cause for their rejection of us. When that is not the case at all.  It's them that F'ed up.

What you wrote.  Man that hit. "the little smile of hope I threw into the trash heap. And the emptiness that remained in my clenched hands" 

You are entirely correct with the not being alone.  I'm still figuring out how communicate to the pre-verbal aspects.  The others, we good.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

Hi StartingHealing,
I want to say I read what you wrote, and although I can't find the words to express what I would like to say, I would like to extend a heartfelt hug to you     I am glad that your adult understands, and is doing its best to comfort your wee fella, because that young child deserved to have love, care, concern, and so many more things. 
Hope

Thank you Hope

27 MAY 2025

Well now.

Today was the person who was in the role of mother in the adoption family birth day. 

The grief over what never was.  Every child yearns for a mother.  One that was removed from the physical one as a wee one, even more so.(I was in some sort of child care system until I was placed in that family at 9 months)  I seeked, I hunted, I strived, I did things that I had no interest in, I d-mn near ended myself in the chase to get some approval, some indication from her, that I was at least 'ok', that my normal child-ness, my normal boy-ness, was ok. that my creative was ok.

My adult understands, my adult does it's best to comfort the wee fella, and it does help some. Yet.  Not the same as {mom}.  The archetype of gentle, giving, caring, loving. 

I've had moments where that "mom" showed.  It was small, never lasted long, and her usual criticism, guilting, and other issues buried it. It didn't happen often, perhaps a double hand of times?  Maybe?   

There is a thing with primarily gals who adopt.  It's not all of them.  The person in the role tho.. she had the cluster of ish + xanax addiction.

Yeesh.. been 10? 15? 20? years, a long while anyway, since she passed.  The hurt from what never happened, the hurt from a person that was in the role but not present, projecting her demons outward on the children, some that shared her genetics and me. 

F. 

Wishing all here all the best.

May 23 2025

Don't know why I put dates in my entries.  Perhaps for future stuff?  Anyway..

Walked through the carb again.  Next step is to wholesale all the vacuum lines and the thermally controlled ported vacuum switches.  Already swapped out the ERG valve.  Old one definitely bad. 

Running at idle at temp, sounds good.  Takes throttle, returns to idle nicely.  Put a load on it (driving) and knocking and pinging like crazy.  Sigh. 

Been having periods where grief pops up.  Jan of this year, my doggo had to go over the bridge. Over there, healthy, happy, playing with the ones that went before.  Lordy I miss that doggo.  I miss all the doggos I've been blessed with having in my life. There has been a cat or two as well. I'm sure that there is other events that got shoved into that pile o grief.  Differing sources so to speak yet same emotional kick in the gut. 

Perhaps some of it is my age as well.  Here before to long the day of solar return is on me once again.  Knowing that the distance ahead is shorter than the distance behind.. I know that I'll be taking that dirt nap eventually.  Guess I'm kinda odd in that at the present moment I'm looking forward to being with the pack more than I am being with the two legged ones over there.  I know that humans over there are different than those here.  Even so, I'm still leaning to be with the pack.  I mean, here, they love us without reservation you know?  How much more will it be over there?  10 fold increase? 100 fold increase? 1000 fold? 

I've been blessed with so many awesome doggos in my life so far.  Some were with me a short amount of time.  Some a lil longer.  And the rest, the spirit was willing but the flesh failed, and there was nothing to be done.  I know, I tried, so many hail mary's attempted.  I don't regret that effort at all.  I don't regret the money spent either. 

Frustration is also nipping at my heels.  I know, I know, divine timing and all that but yeesh... come on universe throw me a bone or three already.  Pretty please?  Would be nice for karma to come round and slap some folks I used to know silly I'm cool with that. Annndddd school.  I'm not savvy the current class I'm in.  Going to have to do the memorization thing, get the d--n thing passed. 

Even with the grief I'm experiencing at the moment, I really would like to have 100% my own space.  Did find out that there is a program through my new Nation (that's still soooo weird to me) that might be able to help me with real estate, in the state in which I currently reside.  Been thinking about that too.  If it's just me and some doggo's how big a place do I really need?  Smaller place, less spent on heat / cool.  Decent sized lot need a large back yard.  Then again, if I do that and get some doggos.. 

Then it's the where.  Stay in the USA?  Let's say I do.  Where? Which city / town in which state?  If I don't stay in the USA, then which country?  Which city / town / region? Yeah.. I know it's not time for me to know yet. But still.


Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

May 17 2025

A quick one today.

Still fussing with the truck.  Da--it.  Sigh, will have to go back into the carb again.  I've done some interwebs digging and worst case I can get a re-manufactured on for 350-450 depending on which business I go with.

Having brain glitches with python now. 

Wishing all here all the best

May 12 2025

Weird weekend.

I wonder if it's just me that is going through the clearing out / cleaning up thing that this year seems to be bringing.

Usually certain days on the calendar don't mean that much but this mother's day.. lots o crapola coming to the fore.  2nd mother really wasn't.  I realized that way back when.  For me the narrative of "doing the best they could at the time"  I wonder about that.  I mean, yeah there were "things" and she was a xanax addict and yet.. least to my memory there wasn't much on the mother side, more of a self centered thing going on with her.  Anyway, she been on her next adventure for a decade or so now.  I remember when I got the news that she had moved on to a different realm, it was like a huge weight came off my back.  I decided that I don't hate the person she was, but still not a favorite person of mine.  In many ways she was a person I knew on the edges of my experiences.  Not lots of attachment there on a emotional level.  Legally, that's a different matter.  Course I do not carry her name, I carry my Dad's family name.  And proud to do that.

Although I have been considering changing my legal name anyway.  Don't have a single idea of what I'd change it to though.  My original birth certificate (which I was able to obtain) was blank for first and middle name.  The surname came from the gentleman who was married to 1st mother at the time.  Definitely not any genetic relation to me.  I spoke with him a few times, solid guy, very honorable, what he told me was that something told him that he had to at least get his family name on there.  I still wonder about that.  Spirit was doing something for sure. 

Had an event happen as well.  I followed up on information I got from the genetic genealogy and after years of getting all the documentation and submitting it to a particular group, the forms saying that I was accepted into that group came in snail mail.  I mean, I "knew" because of the genealogy, but it wasn't real.  Like IRL real.  And now it is. Mind blown is minimizing it.

Annddd now I'm faced once again on sorting identity.  It's a thing adoptees have to go through.  One of those traumas from being removed from any genetic relatives as a wee one.  Not having people that look like you, sound like you, act like you, like the same things, it F's with having that sense of certainty with yourself and of yourself.  With the situation that I went through, closed adoption, the tripe of "as born to" (like genetically that would ever work. Dumba--es) not to mention running blind in regards to possible health issues?  Yeah  And then the gaslighting, the lies, the paradox of being a bas-ard and then I'm not because of a legal fiction..

I've lived longer than either genetic parent did. That is weird as well. The expectation of being in the 70's, 80's, and then things happen, nope. 

 Paternal side was 39-40 from a "heart attack" and maternal side was 45-46 from years of alcohol addiction (back then they put cause of death on the death certs, as limited as the forensics was). Don't know if the paternal side was a cigarette smoker or not, maternal was.  Lots of things can cause heart attack, I know that for me, there is a set of amino acids that counteract high levels of homo-cysteine, which is usually the cause of unexplained high blood pressure. Currently my BP is a tich high when compared to the BS numbers pulled out of the marketing dept's butt to sell more BP meds but not extremely so. I'm within 5 top and bottom before coffee. About 10 high on the top and remain about 5 on the bottom after coffee.  While I do enjoy a dram or two, I've learned to not allow that enjoyment to mess up my life either.  I can take it or leave it actually. And since it's a wee bit here and there, justifying top shelf prices is easy. (chuckle)

Have today off work because of a death of a co-worker. There was enough people going to the service, it was mgmt who called closing the site for today.  I worked with the dude occasionally, he was a solid guy, it's that wasn't that close.  I feel for the family, I do.  I did send a nice card outside of the ones work sent.

As I sit and type this, I know that life continues on.  That there are things that I need to attend to, and that somehow, I'll come to some kind of conclusion to how I see myself. And how that will be carried out in human networks.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

8 May 2025

Much unbidden introspection going on.  guess some part some where of me or spirit figures that I need to take another look or three at the past.  sigh. 

All I really and truly want is to be clear.  Be clear of those that do not provide a positive in my daily experience.  To be clear of the former spouse and her off spring.  No entanglements of any type or kind.  Will be a wonderful day indeed when I get there.  Then the process of having all of them turn into people that I once thought I knew.  I have the lessons, I have the scars.  Isn't that enough?   

May 8, 2025

My my my. Been thinking that I needed to do another letter.  Certain things from certain people ping across my awareness reminding me that you are still in this realm.  The off comment from the tax person that still follows you on a social media platform, the snippet of conversation I overhead by your son and his uncle. I mean, how bad does a mother have to be to have a adult child not want to have a single thing to do with you?   

As I look back at things,  you know, in your self aggrandizement, I am pretty certain that you never once fathomed just how much you depended on me to keep you straight.  Even now, with all your posturing about how strong and independent, you still are living off my income.  Alimony is in many ways very insulting.

I know you'll never read this and that's a good thing because if you did, you would spiral even further into madness.  Unfortunate that asylums aren't around anymore because in many ways, you are not only a threat to others, you are also a threat to yourself.  Even though you'll never believe that let alone see it.

There are still times that old things pop up from the memory pool and the associated emotions come along with that bubble,  but you know what?  The emotions are weaker and weaker as time moves along.  I'm getting to being 100% indifferent. 

there are times though.  Times where certain actions could be taken by me to weaponize various bureaucratic aspects of this modern society and have them pointed at you.  Then I remind myself that I don't want the karma from those actions.  Because you have done oh so much to screw yourself over already.  And that's with the small amount that I am aware of.  SMH  Getting a lien on a paid off vehicle that at the time was worth 2x on the open market than you claimed, having asset recovery companies chasing you down, pretty sure you failed with paying the credit card you got. 

The others in the mess, the judge, the law-dogs, I have held off on pointing various bureaucratic aspects at them for the same reason of not wanting the karma.  even tho IMO all three need a comeuppance in the most desperate way.

Been a while since I've had feelings of .. I want to be clear.  Totally clear.  If your so "all that" and the kitchen sink, go make your own $$ like you always claimed you could do.  Fall off my radar completely. Don't much care how.  Just fall off my radar. 

Not to be mean, but if there is an opportunity for me to go totally incognito from you and your offspring, you bet I'm going to be doing it!  chuckle 

I've learned that I don't owe you anything at all.  I don't owe your offspring anything either.  I sure as hades don't owe any surviving member of your so called family anything either.  I've come to realize that my scope of action is far far larger than what I have been thinking.  I'll stay firmly within the bounds of the law have no doubt. 

I really am looking forward to the day where all you will be to me is someone that I once thought I knew.