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and wishing you the best with this endeavor, SH.  funny, in a way, how something not related can trigger those old memories.  do you think any truck you might get would do the same going forward?  if so, that's too bad.  i hate that that past stuff can reach out and grab us and ruin our present stuff.  love and hugs

Hi sanmagic7!  I don't think at this time getting a different pickup would trigger anything.  I mean, I've had a few trucks, cars, etc. over the time I've been in this realm.  It's one of those weird things, an item that exists supposedly "outside" the crazy that was going on, and yet at the same time, the association still exists.  I've rid myself of most items.  There are still a few that I'm deciding which way to go with.  First is the TV.  I looked into the new ones and ...    I don't think I really want to have a device that is phoning home with all the data it's collecting on me to have it monetized. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to go with a large computer monitor since I basically stream most things anyway which let's me control the data flow.  Then there are the mementos of the doggos that have went over the rainbow bridge.  It's not that I don't miss them.  Lordy I do miss their physical presence.  At the same time, I have pictures, memories, feelings so I don't know about holding on to the tags and pawprints taken when they went over the bridge. 

I'll get there eventually.

Wishing you all the best san

11/5/2025

Had one of those epiphanies that slap ya around thoroughly on the drive back from work today.  Had to do with the truck that I've been dinking around and not getting around to selling the thing and then get something else that is new to me. Mind you, this is when former spouse was still a spouse.

Back story.  Had an 02 S10.  Nice little truck. 4 cyl, manual transmission.  Red, fire engine red.  hard to miss. In 2010 got t-boned by a gal in a borrowed car and the light was green for me.  Truck totaled.  Took about 5 years for me to heal the semi-soft tissue damage.

Took settlement and finally found current truck.  87 Dodge D150.  Been overall a good truck. Thing is .. that truck is a reminder of that period of time.  Even though the former spouse never drove the thing.   

I don't know why I've held onto it.  I really don't.  It lumbers around corners, not that great on gas, doesn't really have decent get up and go.. And for some {cuss words} I've kept it.  I bought it with cash so there isn't any notes / liens / loans. 

So.... I'm going to clean out all the "stuff" that has ended up in the cab, and I think I'll move forward with trying to sell it.

Wishing all here all the best

11/4/2025

Been wondering about something for a long time.  Trying to savvy how I as a singular individual interact / respond with / to the larger "blob" that is society.  What messages have been internalized that are running in a subroutine that leads to negative outcomes for this singular individual?  Humans are social beings.  We are wired for connection, for family, for tribe.  What messages aka "propaganda" have been implanted that in and of themselves damaging to me?  I know that the scope is Yuge, yet at the same time the singular threads can be teased out. 

Well, something is sure as ( insert cuss word ) going on.  What is the reason(s) that mental problems are on the increase?  Is it "just" x y zed? Is it a combination?  What about health?  What about the spiritual?  Is it systemic?  Is it intentional?  Is it only from hurt people hurting people?

I know that this isn't a clear "logical" reductionist thing.  How can it be?  Humans are living breathing beings.  I believe that a valid view has to be holistic. if it's not how can all vectors be accounted for? 

Wishing all here all the best

sanmagic7

If I may.

I have stuffed wolfies.  A family of 3.  It works for me. And I'm on the back 9 of life.  I also have what could be called "children's art supplies" and it helps.  And this time I don't have to stay in the lines if I don't want to and nobody can tell me different.    

Filtering through what each small person has gone through in the family dynamic is going to be different. Not to mention the people in the role of parents are also changing through time as well.  The base may stay but the expression will change since us humans change over time.   

Had a serious sit down one day with the sibs and each had a totally different take / perception on the people in the roles of parents than each other.  Which makes sense because each sib is a different individual with their own "take" on things.  The comparing notes was .. eye opening to say the least.

The way the break down was when this convo happened by age of people was sister, sister, sister, me. Which covers nigh 20 years.  Yeah.

My takeaway from the conversation is that it deepened my understanding of the complex people that were in the position of "parents".  It gave me much more understanding and in some aspects being more sympathy for them.   

Sending you all the best

Hi Darkartgirl.

  if that is ok.

I've been in that space.  Not comfortable at all.     

Sending you all the best.  You got this. ok?

Nov 4 2025

Waiting for morning coffee to finish.  Medical Dr. disappointed that I continue to drink it. the Dr. can go pee up a tree.  Been drinking coffee since I was 3? 4? I used to drink like a "lot" and I've reduced that down to low / moderate levels.  Dr, never did do a root cause for my BP issues. "snort" why should he?  "here's your pills" ...

pivoting into

I'm dealing with the disconnect between evidence of how a person {[ is ]} and the concept that I had of them.  Former spouse and the eldest sister, peas in a pod.      

hard. so {insert favorite string of cuss words} hard.

Makes sense though from a pattern recognition aspect.  IDK the "reason(s)" behind it all.  Maybe my soul ... sigh.  Genetic maternal side pattern was toxic which was just the extension of her FOO patterns.  The person in the role of mother in the adoptive family had her toxic patterns.  The oldest sister .. I can understand why brother was angry, always angry.  Sadly he never connected the dots IMO.  The person in the role of father had a matching enabling pattern, and me, with the trauma? of being ripped away from genetic mother, wide open to accept all this as "normal".  Soooooo end result.  No shock that I chose and stayed with the former spouse as long as I did.

I'm not blaming anyone.  For me that is wasted energy and besides that those responsible are no longer in this realm.  What is the quote?  something like it's not my fault but I'm responsible for healing myself.

this also plays into how me as a single "unit" that interacts with society < whatever that word actually means > .   Which swings back around to the question " what do I owe?  what is owed to me? " 

Multivariate systems with multiple vectors of interaction that is a humbucker to pick apart.  Feelings aside, there is influence, pressure, reward / punishment loops.  Which also ties into human thriving.  Does the current situation actually support human thriving?  Or is it all male bovine fecal matter where the various systems treat humans as replaceable carbon based revenue units and as such no F's given? 

personnel department  re-branded as human resources.  That is just an example.  Extend that to every single aspect of interaction with the systems that make up modernity. 

Pattern pattern, what is the pattern?

Need to spin up to get to work. 

Wishing all here all the best.

Hi Chart!

Thank you for your kind words.  I try to write so the threads of what I have found and my thoughts flow to a conclusion without going down any rabbit holes very much.

What you describe is so very attractive.  Being "disconnected" from all the grids.  Being in areas where food, in most things, is raised.   I savvy about the { concerns } being in the area of military targeting. 

Wishing you all the best

Hi Dark.art.girl

Your avatar looks like something from the animation Danny Phantom.  That was a decent show.   

I savvy that urge to be "informed" about what is going on. I had been attempting to find that line between being informed without being overwhelmed.  Then once I went cold turkey on that .. it was uncomfortable because in a weird way I think that becomes something that is addictive. 

Perhaps I'm incorrect here but my default setting is that if it's "news" or advertising it's a psyop.  It's a manipulative mechanism in an attempt to influence me into taking action that is not for my highest good, it's for someone or some org's benefit.  With that in mind, the algo's are intentionally designed to push engagement with feeding us content to push our emotional buttons while our patterns of reactions are gathered, monetized and sold. 

I've also looked at all the "new" smart devices that are being pushed and .. well let's just say that the data collection extends to every single device that is connected to the web.  The intel about it is out there. In my opinion it's that people get so bombarded all the time with male bovine fecal matter of this notification, that advert, this crisis, that crisis, that thing, this other (cuss word) thing, and, and, and, and, and, the processing bandwidth gets intentionally over ran.  Just like having a logic bomb go off and the OS is glitching out because there is no more RAM left. 

What happens in us when a notification goes off on the mobile device? It's startling, it breaks concentration, and for a split second throws us into a flee/fight response.  How is that good for health? And if, like I used to be, it's not startling then I was always on edge, always splitting my awareness to listen for the notifications.  Us humans are analog.  We are the same folks that were the hunter gathers however many thousands of years ago.  Our nervous system ain't wired for the environment that has been created. As such it's way to easy to hijack it to push behavior that results in negative outcomes for us while benefiting those companies / orgs / etc that are { insert cuss word } up the world.   

If the new currency in the digital spaces is attention, who or what is benefiting from that? How they getting paid?  Servers, power, storage, ain't free ... 

Chase Hughes (his vids are great) explains really well on how propaganda and manipulation works.  I see now how the manipulation tactics of the former spouse worked and where my weaknesses were.  And that led directly into propaganda and how all that gets done.  Holy [ fecal matter ]     Which then led me to wondering about other things that share the same methodology.

Interesting little thing to do, an advert starts, mute the sound and watch the visual. Take notes, what is being put forth?  Then next time the same advert plays close your eyes and listen, really listen.  What does the languaging put out there?  Write down what is noticed.  then compare both sets of notes with no media on at all. What buttons are they trying to push?   We are awash in manipulation and propaganda and it's been ramping up since the invention of newsprint.  Every "new" technology, more psyops.  Books, newsprint, radio, tv, internet, all distribution channels  A thing to look into is the ad campaign that got women to smoke back in to roaring 20's I believe.  That's really enlightening not only in the social narrative aspect, but also from a psyops aspect.  It's actually really horrifying.   

I know that at times I can appear to be needing a tinfoil hat.  BTW actual foil out of tin hasn't been made since the 1930s if memory serves. It's been aluminum ever since. chuckle.   At the same time, all I have been doing is tracing back the threads to the root cause(s) and coming across other information that unfortunately checks out.  I wish it was only a theory.  The more I dig though, the more conformation comes to light.

I'm not saying that "everything" is manipulation / propaganda.  However, when spun up emotionally, us humans lose the ability to discern what is manipulation / propaganda and then make decisions that are based in fear, anger, jealousy which typically ain't good for us long term.  The former PD spouse used that aspect of my normal human reaction to her advantage. I don't know if going from single human scales to general population lineally.  However, look at the excessive consumerism.  I'm not saying that buying stuff is bad.  Far from it.  I dig getting something that will make my daily easier.  At the same time, I'm done with the glitter and smoke.  I'll buy but only if the object is of value.  As a result, I'm the person that buys once and buys right and it's not on a whim.  I'm starting to look harder and harder at clothing made from hemp.  More expensive sure, lasts longer, better for the environment, gets softer and softer the more it's worn.  : thinking emoji :

At the same time, going hard ethical, is manipulating consumers into purchasing fecal matter that isn't needed honest business?  Is manipulating the results from medical studies to "prove" a certain outcome, honest health care?  Is putting the amount of protein on a pet food label, that requires soaking in 20x stronger acid than any pet ever had for multiple hours to free up the protein honest labeling?  different areas .. same bovine fecal matter being done, to us. 

Wishing you all the best. 

11/1/25

I really don't know where this entry will end up.  I don't have a point, I don't have a concept or idea that I want to explore, I just don't know just that writing at the moment feels like it's something I need to be doing at the moment.

Fell down a rabbit hole as it seems that my seeking sense in this weird as (cuss word) society that I find myself attempting to navigate.  Maybe part of it is how I was raised, maybe part of it is the growing recognition of what I perceive as the effects of decades of propaganda pushed by those that do not have our best interests at heart.  A good example is the adoption industry.  2022 or 2023?  14 billion when you add in the international adoption revenue. 

Then add in social media .. Judas.  I can truthfully say that when I deleted FB / insta my mental / emotional got waaayyyy better. Still working on how to engage with X (formerly twitter) to bypass the rage bait, the ideological fecal matter, and I've also noticed that I'm engaging with it less and less and less. Seriously considering just deleting my account.  Seriously wondering if it is actually worth it or is it just another way for my data to be harvested to be monetized?   

I remember how things were.  Everything was in real life not this weird minestrone soup where data, in the cloud { which is only a computer that most folks don't know where is } is treated as something "real".  If the electrical grid goes down .. poof.  The data may still be there, stored on SSD's or hard drives, but without the electrical power what is it? 

All I know is that I'm better with less digital and more IRL.  Physical media is now a suddeningly a "thing".  All those folks that "bought" a movie on Redbox in digital form only, and then what happened to their access to that movie that they paid for when Redbox had to shut down the servers because the company went bust?

IDK what lens or lenses would be better to look through to make sense of what I'm seeing right now.  I do have understanding why folks are just done. Doing the minimum, going overseas, moving to rural properties, anything to get out of the insanity.

Wishing all here all the best

10/31/2025

For a rabbit hole .. Randall Carlson on the origins of the day of the dead / All Hallows Eve.  Really eye opening.  Also makes one wonder about how accurate the history that is held up by a narrative. And who is best served by that narrative. 

The poop show around the sister that has passed, Had some interesting conversations over the last few days about end of life stuff. Been wondering about aspects of when I'm burning in, which folks are "worthy" of the bits and bobs that I've collected over the years.  Tools, hand drums, high school diploma (giggle) watches, and I really don't know right now.  There's no nieces / nephews, there is my daughter however she's not into the drum stuff.  Maybe some of the tools.. Even then though..

Ugh.

Much to ponder.

Wishing all here all the best

10/29/2025

Been a few days since I've written.  Lots of good things going on and some not so much.  The good:  started going to a new chiropractor had my 2nd appt yesterday.  Visible progress from 1st appt to yesterday.  He's given me exercises to do to help myself.  they do help more than I would have thought.  Left shoulder was 1/4-1/2 higher than my right, left hip lower than my right and a nice twist thrown in.  Yeah.  As he adjusts my body, more and more crap comes up for me to process on the emotional side.  PC nailed it, have to be holistic in approach.  Mind, body, spirit.  a trinity of a sort yeah?  I have another appt this fri.  Interesting thing I've noticed as well.  The nights after an adjustment, my BP is lower than on the days where I didn't have one.  Never thought that my pain tolerance would actually be a detriment.  I've been looking into the body posture required for having a shield on my left while my right was free, and my body fell into that over the years of being at war in the place that should have been my peace. 

As more fecal matter comes to the surface to process, the fears come along sometimes.  Maybe it's because I grew up when the cold war was still going on and I was in the blast radius of a ICBM with the military targets in the area if the cold war went hot .  there are some things I can take action on which helps, and then there is other stuff that I have nothing to do with, it's outside my control.  On those things, taking what steps I can in case of X helps a great deal.  Was a regular thing on the farm to have bad nasty blizzards, not every year but often enough to prepare for them.  Same with floods. Not every year but often enough that we would build berms, water catch areas, and do what we could. For blizzards, putting in snow fences, evergreen trees as a snow brake, even to the point of which color we would use for the roof singles and pitch. Wanted something that would pull heat from the sun during the winter without being cooked in the summer. The pitch was so the snow would slide off so we didn't have to worry about structural issues from the weight of the snow.  Food, fuel, generator, keeping the equipment we would be depending on in running shape.  And dare I say faith.  Faith that somehow, someway, it could be figured out. because as long as your breathing and willing to take action, there was a chance.  As soon as you stopped, that's when a bad situation would definitely get worse.  As such, I have no idea how much snow / mud / dirt I've shoveled.  Flood debris moved, or any of that.  It was only clean up after the emergency passed. 

That's what it seems like to me at the moment. That the clean up stage has started.  Spiritual in place, mind is doing pretty alright, and now the body is getting healed up.

The sister that passed .. she was cremated.  I don't know if her remains are going into a urn or what.  The vultures and vampires from "family" still chap my backside.  I know that I can't control their behavior, but I can (insert cuss word here) make sure that my contact is VLC to full ghost.  Toxic is toxic.  I'm so weary of toxic. 

Lunch over.  Gotta go get back after it again.  Wishing all here, all the best.

 

10/25/25

I have a moment to put some things down.  Been doing a compare contrast between the situation that I grew up in and the situation that exists now.

I'm a techie kind of person but even with my mechanics brain seeing so called benefits to the internet connected, digital spaces that humans have created, what has been lost?  What has been stolen?  We have created or allowed to be created systems, programs, points of view that has over time stripped so much away, stripped so much nuance away, and reduced it into a binary form. 

A person can hear the difference in music.  Or at least I can.  Listening to an electric guitar going through an digital amp vs the same guitar going through a vacuum tube amp my inner bits react to the vacuum tube far far more than the digital.  Binary is either a 1 or a 0.  There is no in-between, no blending of states, a hard clinical chopping off of possibilities.  Extend that into all the different areas that us humans have to deal with and what has happened?  Apps that feed outrage and push addiction behavior by stoking the dopamine paths in human brains and it was intentionally designed that way, echo chambers that keep us intentionally separated by whatever metric you wish to use, meanwhile our digital footprint gets monetized by psychopathic corporations / political factions that don't give a rat's a-- if we die or not. And then the video pundits nod their heads in agreement over how mental health problems are on the rise meanwhile the same psychos are funding those video pundits.  Is that gaslighting or just manipulation?  Maybe it's the create a problem, then offer a solution, and take more control. Whatever it is, it's just another way to keep that profit margin fat.   

I myself have lived through the change from when companies had personnel offices to the current human resources ones.  Think about that for a moment.  personnel to human resources.  people with the associated complexities to replaceable carbon based revenue units.  I'm not saying this is a cause of anything, it's just a visible symptom of something that runs far deeper than anyone recognized it at the time.

There are signs of resistance.  The sale of dumb phones are currently the largest section of mobile device sales, I've heard that folks have been "unplugging" and getting off of the apps, getting off all socials.  People are going retro with tech.  I hope that most are starting to see behind the fake glitter of the false promises and see the dark underbelly. 

Other things need my attention.

Wishing all here, all the best

Hi PC!

Ancestral trauma is, at least to my current level of understanding, absolutely true.  Thing is "modern science" is sooooo absurdly reductionist that even if the answer showed up and bit them on the butt, they would dismiss it because it doesn't fit into their paradigm that they have been indoctrinated into.  As a example, outside the USA there are studies that have been done that shows that the human digestive system knows the friggin' difference between a carb from broccoli and one from refined sugar. Yet we are fed the { a calorie is a calorie is a calorie nonsense }

Same with protein, minerals, vitamins fiber, and yet the financial / legal / powers of control { those who are in charge of the indoc } say it's ok that food companies release products and in my opinion should be boycotted and then burned in a plasma oven to break down and render inert the toxic BS that the companies intentionally used because it saved them 1/2 of a cent per serving cost to manufacture.  With that level of discernment in that system?!?! Holy Cats doesn't that shift the whole foundation of understanding?  It does for me.  Not to mention it also explains the ever increasing "medical" issues with digestion.  Folks are eating poison and then wonder why there is more and more diseases that big pharma / big food are more than happy enough to give a pill for.  We the group suffer while psychopaths keep the bottom line fat.  F'em.  Nope, going a different direction.  Piss off ya bast_eds.

Along with the reductionist BS which has intentionally been propagandized into the zeitgeist of modern common thought is the FUD ( fear, uncertainty, doubt ) of our own subtle senses.  We humans produce an energy field.  This field gets impacted by other energy fields.  How else can you explain the heaviness in a room after an emotionally charged argument and the people leave that room before you arrive?  What about the feeling of being watched when you actually are being watched?  Us humans are far far more porous than what is commonly believed. 

Quantum entanglements aside for the moment, epigenetic expression is a real thing.  For me that does explain a certain amount of transference down the genetic lines that excludes changes to the underlying DNA structure.  Add in natural reactions to stressful situations (like being held at sword point to either convert or die) then as a youngling gets raised in a structure of life that included seriously hurt adults, the child adapts and that's normal life for them. That pattern gets passed down and every generation has epigenetic expression of that pattern.  Add in that the adult oft times seeks the "normal" that existed in childhood, they pick a person that will produce that with their interaction with them.  Using myself .. the pattern that existed while i was in the womb was the basis from which I was acting and I'll be screwed, blued and tattooed, that's what got matched in the significant others I was drawn to / had relationships with. 

Add in the collective unconscious of a group that has went through the same type of events, natural human reactions, etc ... morphemic fields as a transmission source? a matching of resonance perhaps, and then quantum level entanglements get added in.  Dude    Intention is a THING even when we don't know we are intending anything. 

Then add in the concept of "soul contracts".  For me, my soul is an a__hole.  Seriously.  With the level of fecal matter I went through to get to this point?  Yeah, my current opinion is my soul is that.  In spades.  I do savvy that much was a blessing in disguise.  Even with the hard won understanding I have of the people, places, situations, how my experience played into not only my path but others.. not changing my opinion.  Maybe in the future.  Maybe. 

I've had some core shamanic / Reiki training and I do think that I need to learn myself up on spiritual possession from a shamanic perspective.  Not all who dwell in the other realms have our best interests at heart.  Even now in modernity, it's hard for people to understand where they are on the predator ~ prey scale.  We don't have teeth fer sh--, no claws to speak of, to hot we die, to cold we die, we ain't the strongest, fastest, thing out there in this realm.  Strip the tools away and we be screwed.  That dynamic doesn't stop in the physical in my opinion.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

 

Hey SH,
You mentioned "legacy" several times awhile back... I'd like to say your journal is a tapestry woven of rough wool with patterns and images I marvel at. You have shared your life, honestly, directly, nothing artificial or conceited. I feel real connection with you and your words. It's a gift I highly value. And I believe that's much of our possible legacy, connection in seeing things for what they are.
Big hugs, your story is beautiful.
 

Thank you Chart.  Here's a hug back for you   

I appreciate the kind words.  I know that my "languaging" isn't polished, it's as real as I can be without upsetting apple carts because of my use of certain words that are of a certain flavor if you know what I mean, and to protect others privacy.