Messages

Aug 1st 2025

Went on a wander this morning.  Been noticing that when I do I feel generally better overall.  Today I took along a 35mm film camera and got some shots.  Definitely changes the state of mind.  The stuff and things from my life prior to becoming single again to save my own soul / physical life, are gradually going away.  There are times that the frustration level comes up because of the whole thing of not having a "clean break" from what was before. I realize that there isn't really such a thing as a "clean break" because of the lessons / scars that I carry with me.  In the big scheme of things the event wasn't that large (has to do with step son and car I co-signed on) and yet the frustration level went to 1000 and I found myself venting into the empty room. 

My noggin is still working on the shift in perceptions? outlook? something, with becoming a member of a Native Nation.  I'm still attempting to integrate it.  I've dug into that really hard and it's still mind blowing to me.  Like holy crap you know?  To me the efforts of the tribe to maintain a cultural identity resonates so hard with me because on a personal level, that's what I've been doing for .. ever since I can remember actually. 

Being adopted in the way I was, that breaks that leg of self-identity formation.  For the longest time the thoughts of do I like xyz because I like xyz or do I like xyz because I was indoctrinated / mind jobbed into liking it? 

Fast forward to the 1/4 century spent with the PD+ former spouse, and the mind job that she did.  Seems like some sort of weird f'ed up drama series coming soon to a streaming platform near you! Geez...

Joking aside, to me it appears as if there is a theme running through my lived experiences so far and identity is one main thread. 

Other things to get did.

Wishing all here, all the best
 

July 25 2025

Sleep is still jacked up.  Last night and the night before.  4 hours and 6 hours.  I think it has to do with the nicotine reduction.  I looked at what I was spending on that habit a month and almost fell out of my chair and reducing the amount will be better for my health as well. I've heard that addicts aren't looking for a high, just looking to feel normal.  I get that.  Nicotine for a lot of years was a help along,  it allowed me to get focused and stay that way.  Now though.. Even the nicotine doesn't help with my current level of scatteredness. The silence that is now, sometimes it's way peaceful and a comfort, and other times.. it gets so loud that I need to stream / play some music to tone it down.   

Worked a while on scanning photos into the computer.  The ones that I did get scanned need the edits to remove the white-space around the images, some were scanned a little out of plumb and need to do the small degree rotation to get them aligned.  Lots of situations / events that I flat don't remember that well. Some really good slice of life of the doggos that were once with me. 

And then there were some images that gut punched me.  I found the pictures that were taken when I met the surviving members of the maternal side (late 1990's) There was one with me and a wall of pictures behind me, and a portrait of my biological mother and 1/2 sister is easily visible.  My sister looks around 10ish in that image.  Which puts me around 8ish at the time it was taken.  (insert favorite cuss phrases here) Then pictures of me and the former spouse when the ceremony was done.  Lordy I look so happy with the belief that I was marrying my person, my other half.  Not knowing at the time of the 7th level of Hades yet to come.

I'm going to have a funeral pyre for the physical pictures of the former spouse.  I had kept a select few with the thought that maybe one day I could look at them and be "ok" with them.  I'm not saying that the 1/4 century I spent was 100% bad.  It wasn't.  Looking at everything in as balanced way possible, the negative far outweighed the positive though. 

Weekly laundry needs done.  Something to eat would be a good thing I think. 

Wishing all here all the best

 

July 23 2025

My brother from another mother should be recovered by now from various travels that he ended up doing.  Need to ping him and see if it's cool if we work our jaws for a spell. 

I'm starting to see where the connection is needed on my end.  I'm pretty good mostly with rocking it solo. 

Last couple days been pretty rough, lots of pain, frustration, grief, anger and on the other side the good things that are spinning up. 

I reckon that I'm in the gap of old passing away and new cool great stuff coming in.  Allowing the healing to occur without forcing it. 

Had another meeting at work.  They pushed the target closing date back another 3 months.  Sigh.  The uncertainty does take a toll on a body.  I'm not complaining it's the uncertainty around all of it.  For me I can handle a certain amount of uncertainty but when it gets to a certain level ... then I hit the chocolate.  Speaking of, need to lay in some more of that. 

Wishing all here all the best.

July 19 2025

I was reminded again by the universe that the body I inhabit needs tending to.  I "knew" that a lot of things, emotions, trauma, get stored in the body however it has been in the last day or so that I've been stating verbally what those stored things are.  For instance.  Out doing a shopping run with no radio going in the car and I found myself listing off situation after situation, event after event that was still stuck in my craw.  I've noticed that when I "expel" via verbal stream of consciousness type thing, my back physically feels better.  To use a turn of phrase, "getting stabbed in the back" is an act of betrayal and there have been events where at the time I felt that way.  Not limited to the former spouse but to events that happened many years prior to her. 

An example while the former spouse was still a current one:  Was working for a private car parts store.  I know I was making the owner $$$.  The year before I was fired my Xmas bonus was 500$ cash.  this was back in the early 2000's when that was a princely sum.  Then bout May? June? of the following year, the owner hired his sisters cousin's son 2 times removed to work at the store.  After about 2 months the owner pulled me aside and gave me the news that I was not going to be needed.  I "get it" that family first you know?  That was still a not good deal on my end.  After all the shenanigans that happened in that area of the country, with employers, real estate agents, residents, I have 0 desire to go back to visit let alone reside there.  It's visually very pretty and I've heard 4th hand that it's "better" now in some fashion.  Still have 0 interest in returning there in any capacity.

Then the elephant is of course the former spouse.  I understand that there is a mental thing going on + a personality thing as well.  For the life of me I still don't F-ing savvy how a person can do the swearing on a bible thing of love, honor, respect, and then do what she did to me.  I'm not attempting to calculate out which part of which persona or was it real or fake etc.  That would be crazy making.  It's f-ed up at the best. 

The list at https://outofthefog.website/traits.  D-mn. 

Still unpacking a lot of fecal matter there. 

At times I go round and round with the idea that I know enough about enough things in enough areas that if I wanted to I could get the bureaucratic systems of modernity rolling in her direction.  The idea being that the process is the punishment.  That's the anger that still exists. Feeling wise, I was betrayed, made of fool, treated like a ATM, and otherwise got sh-- on, + gaslighting, manipulation, etc. That was before the whole legal process started.   The marriage goggles were beat off of me in a manner most painful one could say.

I haven't done it.  I have not engaged in that level of retribution because I know her patterns to a point where I know that she will destroy any good thing that exists in her realm. Things really went in the toilet in 2022, legal crap done in 2023, it's mid 2025, there probably will be some sort of a large scale melt down / going off the rails / destruct-o-matic event somewhere in the next 6 to 12 months of today.  Typical pattern for her.  And this time round I don't know of anyone that is going to pick up the pieces and start putting things back together.  She has a big problem with impulse control. 

I don't know when the consequences of her actions will come back to haunt her,  I do know that with what she's done, that I'm aware of, there are multiple vectors for that to happen, without any input into it from me.  One can only spin things for so long until places like financial institutions, social safety nets, state and federal agencies, take exception and bring down the hammer. yes, there are those that go years doing the same foolishness and get away with it.  Thing is those folks are pretty smart and also have excellent emotional control.  Both in which there is an obvious skills gap between them and the former spouse. 

 That's all I am looking for.  A clean break.  No more cords connecting me to that past situation / former spouse.  Even if they go through the state, it's still a cord that allows her to continue to be a parasite on me.

I don't wish her any ill.  Lordy, she does that perfectly all by her own self.  She doesn't need any external help to self-sabotage. She needs to go away, no cords connecting me to her.  And since there still is at this moment, that does get a bit frustrating. 

To make it a real convoluted mess, I'm also grieving again over it all.  The might have beens, the hopes that were crushed, the promises made that she never kept, the glamour that she blinded me with to wife her up.  AND another wrinkle, I am soooo glad that there were no children created between us.  That would have been catastrophic.

this post took far longer than I thought to get it done.  Another sign that I was tapping into the emotions and draining some of it off.

Wishing all here all the best

July 18 2025

I don't know how to describe it.  Had the thought that when the former spouse finds out that I'm actually a member of a actual Native Nation, that's going to make her spin up and do a emotional freak out / melt down / or ? .  She always had the "story" that somewhere in her past she was related to Sitting Bull via Indian Princess.  I smiled at that thought.

I better explain how she would be informed of my status.  Step son was living with me at the time when the documents and ID's of the tribe came via snail mail.  He was in the room when I opened the package and in my amazement and joy I shared what the ID's were.  Step son claims that he doesn't talk with her.  That I believe.  However he talks with his uncle.  And his uncle talks to his sister the step sons mother.  So yeah, will eventually get there.  I went ghost with her, her brother, her uncles / aunts, friends, the whole kit and caboodle.  Since step son is no longer living under the same roof, the possibilities of further information leaks has dropped dramatically.  I also figure that once I move I'll be changing my # into a new one anyway.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

July 16 2025

As I write this, I'm listening to a recording of a native speaker from the nation that I belong to.  Kind of odd.  There is a almost something when the native language is being spoken. A tickle in my inner self. To my ears, sounds a very musical.  It's also trippy when the conversation bounces in and out of American English. Kind of like when the band Sleep Token does a drop and the singer is in "harsh vocals".   Came to a realization(s) about me, about my path forward, and about getting where I'm living for my own highest and best.  Some of it has to do with j.o.b. and what that looks like in the near future, and also more comfortable with the idea of packing up my tent and moving to the tribal lands. No lie, when I saw the numbers of economic impact.. and the range of industries that the Nation has.. plus lower cost of living and getting the same $ as I do currently?  Plus there is funds from the Nation to help with re-location.  Current employment, when they finally decide to close the site, I'll be getting about 1/3 of annual salary as severance pay.   So right now, without me winning the redneck retirement fund, the plan is ride it out with current job, and timing wise work it that I can tie everything up, move, etc.  Along the way, I'm going to spend some vacation time out there to have eyes and boots on the ground.

Had a nice long conversation with my mentor a couple of days ago. She assured me that I'm doing really well and that I'm moving along right smartly.  TBH I have difficulty at times seeing what she is seeing.

Something got resolved somewhere.  I can tell because my back is having longer periods of time where it functions as intended without pain.  And I've started putting certain select pieces of visual art on the walls. 

Wishing all here, all the best

July 13 2025
Rough night last night.  I have to accept that this physical frame is not what it once was and to be the best friend to myself that I can I need to accept that the memories of physical capabilities are just that.  I had a few tipples, and yeah.  Realized this morning over coffee that I may be better served if I create a more structured approach to things rather than just responding to outside obligations.  That is something that I've lived with for ... well, at least my first breath in this realm. 

Still working on what feels good to me in my living space.  I haven't put up art on the walls even with the command hooks that don't damage anything since I'm a renter.  I may have overshot a bit with the minimalism aspects. 

I haven't gone out and walked in a fair bit either.  I also haven't taken the 35mm camera and did anything.  IDK .. seems like in my puzzling over things I've lost sight of enjoyment in the spaces I am in.  TBH I've minimized down a great deal perhaps I've cut back in to many areas. 

I have realized that many of the activities I enjoyed as a child was actually trauma responses.  Reading was one of my jams.  At the time though it was a means of escape from the situation that I found myself in.  I mean a child has more needs than food, water, clothing, shelter. 

Being out in nature, rather being away from certain people, that was a go to as well.  One thing about being on the farm was if there wasn't anything else that needed to get done, there were some hours where I could just go out to the "pond" it was dry most of the year.  After the spring rain(s) it would have some water in it and the toads would come out of their suspended animation to create the next generation of toads.  Or go to a dry creek to see what if anything got brought to the surface from the wind / bank erosion / water flow. 

I think something that would benefit me would be some sort of regular practice that grounds me into this physical frame. 

Time to get some cold pizza for breakfast.  Wash it down with some sun tea I did yesterday. 

Wishing all here, all the best

July 6 2025

I don't know if this is going to be a quick one or something more involved.  Guess will see if I can somehow express what needs expressed and if I get there in a 5 sentence paragraph, great.  If not then I'll go till it "feels" right.

Becoming really clear of late that having connection to a person is some important.  And that I really really need to have discernment around that.  There is a situation, ongoing actually with my daughter.  It has become clear to me anyway that for her she does best with more of a arms length type of situation and to respect her boundaries, and getting to a point of acceptance with that on my side is at time difficult.

I am proud of her.  Not just because of the "Dad" thing.  She has accomplished a great deal in her life.  Getting to the point of where the relationship twixt her and I is less "Dad - daughter" and more of a .. she is an adult, with her own preferences and outlooks, and to respect that, you know?  That acceptance is something I need to lean into I think. 

There is uncertainty on my part about myself.  I mean most of my life has been spent in, for lack of a better term, reflection of what those around me expectations were.  One of those things that is never mentioned when it comes to folks that have been adopted into non-genetic family structures.  Maybe that narrative is changing now.  At the time I went through that event though.. As born too .. Indeed complete and utter BS.  I know that in many ways that happens because us humans are wired for family, then clan, then tribe.  The idea of a nation-state is a grafting on to that base structure.  Even in modern society, the
tribal nature still comes out.  A sportsball team, a hobby, a location, genetic inheritance, are you a dog or cat person, shoot even whether or not you follow NASCAR.  I know that because of my acceptance into a Native Nation (here in the USA) that has shifted my self-concept around a ton.  Some reactions to external events, some aspects of myself now make a lot more sense, and then ... Even before this, since it's just me now, no reflecting back to others, I was fussing with acceptance of self. 

Yeah, it's a thing with folks that have survived the adoption process.  I know the saying "Be yourself. Others will adapt or leave you in peace."  That is truth and also has some lonely attached to that in my view of it at this time.  Who knows my opinion could change in the future.

There are times that being the lone wolf in modern society is overly propagandized as a {good thing}.  At the same time having some sort of meaningful connection to another human... Or is this more propaganda that I have accepted as truth?  Yeah.  This to me also ties into previous questions about what do I owe society and what does society owe me?  For the longest time, there was a purpose outside of myself that at that time was a valid purprose that I could drop my shoulder and put my effort behind.  There were activities on the farm that absolutely had to be done or the entire family wouldn't survive.  Then a family with people under my watch that I needed to provide for, keep safe.  Now it's just me and the shift is proving kind of rough for me right now.  Then again, I'm still learning me at the same time.  What do I like?  What don't I like?  What do I do because I can, not because I enjoy it? 

I'm also co-currently in the midst of attempting to get up to speed with how much has changed in the society that I find myself in.  It's really bizarre to me right now.  The amount of inroads that tech has made into the minestrone soup of daily life.  Still blows me away that even a cheep smart phone has more processing power than it took to land people on the moon, and what is it being used for?  Likes and clicks?  The reduction of attention spans, the intentional crafting of interactions with platforms to engage the addiction circuits in the human brain?  I do have to say though that the meme's can be really good.  I'm not trying to be a Luddite here.  It's that I'm seeing tech as a tool that cuts both ways and the stack of the tech has been in many ways weaponized against us humans by other humans. The pace of development is such that trying to keep up with it .. unless that's a full time endeavor, it's a situation where I find myself on the hind foot, and I am pretty tech savvy.  And that's not including any physical effects that happen because of the interaction between the human body and all these EMF that we are bathed in without our consent.  I mean come on.. stick and bricks places are tracking people via bluetooth to see what floor display gets peoples attention.  Interference patterns with wifi in your residence is now being used as a alarm trigger for certain security companies? 

On the other hand, the societal shifts that have happened are also bizarre to me as well.  Having police roll up on you because of saying hello to someone in passing because that person was feeling a certain kind of way?  Has happened.  I can totally understand the idea behind having a personal body cam.  That's still nuts.  Or someone records another and puts them on blast in social media after heavily editing the video to present a situation that was 100% false for likes and clicks? 

yeah.

Wishing all here all the best

 

Hi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.

I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope

Thank you Hope.  May your holiday be enjoyable as well. 

July 2 2025

I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof!  Guess maybe that means I should just wing it?  Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything.  I do have some steaks tho.  I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening. 

My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off.  Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony.  She could go back into court to demand more $$.  The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born.  Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him.  While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead.   He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state.  The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year.   Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit.  I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem.  Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters.  ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions.   He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes. 

Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...

I know that I will get through.  I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going.  It will get better.

Wishing all here all the best

Then, there is f-ery from work.  In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over,  with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out.  Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check.  So that's good equalization there.  Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing.  Sheesh.

Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse.  Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there.  Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up?  Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues.  Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did.  According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.



 

1 July 2025

With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore.  I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on.  Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness.  Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed.  For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests?  In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others.  Definitely a F'ed up way to live.  I keep coming back to examples in nature.  Like beavers.  What do beavers do?  They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes.  And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?

Gonna have to sit with this. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

28 June 2025

At times I wonder what 'reasons' there are for the events that I went through in my experience leading up to this moment.  I know that I'm seeing / perceiving? from my limited human viewpoint.  And yet, chuckle, and yet there are times the question why?  Seeking some reason, something that I can hang a hat on, to point to and say "That, that there is the why I went through X.  Some events I have knowings about them.  I have a certain why for them.  All being retrospective in nature.  Dam_ede5t thing is that even now, in this moment, after pulling off some amazing things, surviving events  / situations that others, well, let me say that they removed themselves from the equation. Indeed, the cohort that I was placed in by the supposed adults at the time, not good life results, I don't remember the exact percentages of adoptees have serious mental issues, CPTSD, over represented in prison like 5x or more for "serious" crimes against people, drug addiction (all flavors) not to mention the "anti-social" parts like property damage, grand theft, and, and, and. 

Here I sit, in a rental that I can afford, have friends, not many but I've never been one for having a huge posse, steady work, steady income, grinding my way out of a financial hole left by becoming single again{worth every penny as she is a BPD} some family, getting here to this moment has been one long strange trip.   

I remember the feelings and thoughts tho, of the ages I was before.  The feelings of not being "wanted", of being discarded, of that I shouldn't be here in this realm, of playing pretend to hide my true feelings, my true self, the me that was screaming inside from the loss of the woman that carried me to term,  because the "help" from the person in the role of mother wasn't about me, what I was going through, what BS had been foisted upon me, an innocent, no it was 99% about her, and her feelings, and her perspectives and her, her, her, her.  I was the "legal fiction" that was approved of by the state, the church, the community at large!  Oh how wonderful that person is to take on such a burden and give the poor waif a chance at a "better" life. Whatever the F that means.  In a sense, I was trafficked. Reading the social worker's notes and the corrosion that drips from the pages, the whole self-righteousness, we know far better than you, and how dare my mother, a young gal, 20, from an very abusive home, even think about possibly being able to care for me, her own blood. 

Even now, there are times when I hear a voice and part of me reacts in recognition of the voice I heard whilst I was being knit together in the womb, certain smells, certain patterns of life, ingrained within my own self, not only in DNA but in the 9 months as well, and to this day I grieve that loss, I suffer stoically because the loss happened so very very early that I do not know consciously of anything different. The hole that has always been. The hole that even now, with me caring for my inner kiddo's, that void remains. 

The years spent in pushing the envelope with extreme risks being taken because I'm not supposed to be here so why not?  If I die, I die. F it. And that was on top of all the testosterone that was coursing through my body. crumpled steel, shattered glass, Broken bones, bone bruises, road rash, there is not a single inch of skin that is not scarred in some manner, while nothing compares to the emotional torture that I endured due to others who should have known better.

Lady Death and I have danced on many occasion. Some more dramatic than others. Why the gentle lady hasn't taken me I do not know. Perhaps there is that one thing, that thing that I must do in this realm before I'm accepted into her embrace? Perhaps it's a multitude of things?  The answer still eludes me.  I know she is there, the gentle lady, waiting, just over my right shoulder where she's been ever since I can remember.  I'm well versed in the cycle of life.  I know that eventually my physical body will feed the beings in the soil which is as it should be, and that eventually everything will be used to support life in all it's myriad forms.  The grand cycle will continue.  And I am not so grandiose to think that preserving this mortal coil will in any way benefit anyone in the future. If the bones fossilize over some vast eon of time, then perhaps they might be important to some being.  Or they may be made into bric-a-brac for some beings visual amusement.  Either way, makes not one iota of difference to me, now, in this moment. 

The concept of legacy has also been bouncing round the brain pan of late.  Yes, I have left some little something already that will outlive me.  Houses built, encouragement given, a friendly voice, at times teaching, even a friendly wave at a police officer that has to deal with not good folks on the regular.  It is always so wonderful because the LEO will be confused at first, then will finally smile and wave back.  One never knows, perhaps me doing that changed things just enough so that they could see something besides what they deal with on the daily.  Side note. When traveling in the US, and you are in an unfamiliar town, if you find a officer, walk up and politely ask where a good place to eat is.  I have never been steered wrong. I've even been escorted to the restaurant as a courtesy a couple of times. They know all the best hole in the wall family operated places where the food is the star of the show.

My daily experience is overall really good!  The peace, the tranquility, yes sh-- happens.  Murphy's law is a legit thing.  Expecting that things will go sideways and when it does, no big deal.  When it doesn't go sideways, Bonus!  chuckle.  I reckon that this time of not having another being around is a needful thing.  It allows me the space and depth to perceive inner things, do inner work, because there isn't something external I can use as an excuse to not tend to myself. I don't know what the future is bringing.  I do know however that I want to be around to see it.  My mind is still attempting to grasp that I, me, who grew up with no tribe, no connection to even the idea of nation, and now I have both?  And a language that I think would be really cool for me to learn?  Holy Spitballs!  And! the nation has it's own webpage / socials and I've been looking at the pictures and in the occasional image, I see people that I feel I should recognize, Almost like they in many respects, look like me.  It's kinda like how here in the US you can see someone and you can kinda tell which area of the country they grew up in?  Yeah, it's kinda like that. 

My thanks to all the brave souls that took the time to read this.  To all the brave souls here, in this space, I wish you the best.

24 June 2025

Been two weeks today since the person in the role of step son + gf left. Not having another person around has be in a word wonderful.  In that time frame, I've come to a few conclusions.  Yes, he grew up in an environment that I'm certain traumatized him to a certain extent.  There were a couple of days where I got on a jag of retrospection and certain things started tickling the thinking meat.  I've concluded that person in role of step son has a PD of some sort.  I know the overlap in the Venn diagram of behaviors due to trauma and the behaviors due to a PD is huge.  I don't know for 100% certainty, yet I'm leaning really hard towards him having a PD of some sort.  Explains a great deal as well with him basically refusing the slightest progress towards healing.  I shared my experiences, I shared strategies, websites, videos, etc.  He never followed up on anything. 

I know that he is creating his own karma and I do not wish him ill.  At the same time, his past behaviors still stick in my craw. 

Looking forward to the point where him and his mother are people that I once thought I knew.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

Hi Hope.

The Universe is throwing some bones at me occasionally.  If I stay aware enough to take action that is needed for the universe to serve up good stuff.

As an example.. been fussing for months with college. No lie, burned, I was flat burned out.  My curiosity is nearly unlimited, my learning capacity is really high, and finally after a consult with my mentor I pulled the trigger and withdrew from college.  Retrospectively the reason I started college anyway was because of the BPD former spouse.  Well, she had gotten 'into' skoolies.  The concept of getting a old school bus and converting it into a RV.  Course she didn't have any clue on what she was going to do to bring in $$ but my role was to be a remote worker.  Anyway, things changed in my life.  Becoming a member of a native Nation changes oh so much in my life.  Crazy amount of good.  Need to get things in place on my end to start accessing the good that is there.  Add in the former spouse's 1st born leaving, that's also really good as well.  I can perceive that my life is shifting into a different thing than I have ever experienced before.

Been through a few of those.  I'm sure that I'll find my feet.

Wishing all here, all the best

Hi Chart.

I savvy the biological drives that result in "relationship(s)".  It's as you put it " the tenant upstairs ". partially.  Lots of self doubt on my end.  I realize that I am not the same person now as I was then.  And TBH .. at least here the "social" is wayyyyy sketchy.  I remember that as a dude, could drop a compliment to the gal behind the counter, or gently flirt a lil and the gal appreciated it. Nothing creepy, or being pushy, or overtly sexual or any of that crap. Just an indication of "you're cute to me" type thing.   

Now?  Judas priest, lots of situations where guys got rolled up because of a false allegation from a gal because she was feeling a certain kind of way.  Figure that the reported stories are like ants, you see 1 ant usually there are way more out of sight.  One in particular stuck out of the many I've heard about. Dude never even spoke to the gal that made the allegations.  Lost his marriage(divorce), house, kids, business, and reputation. Spent 30 days behind bars, detectives finally realized that the gal was BS'ing them. He got released and charges dropped,  she got I think 2 years in low-security gray bar hotel.  I don't know if the dude moved out of that town or if he self - deleted. because it got all over the internet.. He tries to get a job or something and 'wham' here is all this crapola about him with the business doing a general web search.. forever.  Add in being able to use images as your search? bro...

I realize that it's not all gals, so it's the risk / reward sub-circuit that is firing off.  One out of 1000 or even one out of 10,000, does the false allegation thing, or revokes consent after the fact (yes that's a thing), new thing I found out is a gal assumed something that she was not part of, will claim something to law enforcement to help the gal in the "situation" when nothing happened in the situation at all and that is why the gal in the supposed situation didn't do anything because nothing happened.  Them not good odds to have what life I've rebuilt so far, smoked.  There are guys that strongly suggest having some sort of video / audio recording device on and active when out in public is a good idea.  Body cams are not just for law enforcement any more.

I'm open to the possibility.  I'm not chasing that possibility though.  Nope, they gonna have to approach me.  And honestly right now I figure that I just need to be with myself and get that square.  Then get the doggos.  then maybe .. depending on how the Universe figures it.  Will definitely be vetting for a long time. 

Tires?  Yeah those are a definite thing to take care of.

Peace