Thank you all for your welcoming and validating responses. I had tears of relief in my eyes reading them this morning, and I already feel more seen and less isolated. Know that it may take me time to respond, as I'm neurodivergent and I have to pace myself in terms of interpersonal interactions, as well as it taking me longer to process what people have said to me and what I'm going to say back. At the same time, I really value the welcome and warmth I've received and what people have reflected back to me about their shared trauma/ recovery experiences.
The idea of a "double-whammy" is so helpful to me in conceptualizing my experience. Papa Coco, what you've said about learning to adjust yourself to their standards also really resonates. Despite the fact that I'm not at all mainstream, I invested so much time and energy trying to be/ do what I thought others expected from me to try to feel safe and accepted. I also really resonate with the long journey of recovery towards thriving- my life is really good/ authentic in lots of ways, but some days it just feels exhausting.
The idea of a "double-whammy" is so helpful to me in conceptualizing my experience. Papa Coco, what you've said about learning to adjust yourself to their standards also really resonates. Despite the fact that I'm not at all mainstream, I invested so much time and energy trying to be/ do what I thought others expected from me to try to feel safe and accepted. I also really resonate with the long journey of recovery towards thriving- my life is really good/ authentic in lots of ways, but some days it just feels exhausting.