Messages

Years ago I worked with a T who helped me develop a safe place through EMDR. A bedroom sized birds nest lined with feathers in a sprawling wheat field. I periodically go there to re-center and relax. 7 years later I returned to the same man ready to dive deeper into my past.

So far he's introduced me to my 7 year old self, enlightened me that there may be more than one child, then led me to 3 and 14 year old me. The whole process has split me wide open. I wake up feeling so small. I flinch at unexpected times. My heart hurts so incredibly bad at all times. These poor kids are looking to me for help and I don't know if I have the strength to withstand the grief I feel for them.

Last session I hugged the two little ones tightly in the nest and cried with them while 14 watched unwilling to join. I'm aware I have to earn his trust but it is heartbreaking because I feel his suffering.

The trust I have for my therapist is boundless right now but I was not fully prepared for feeling shame at this level for this long. I ask myself hourly... Where am I going? What is happening to me? What/who am I grieving?

Thank you all for listening

Thank you both for the warm welcome! I'm astounded at the wealth of experience in these forums. When I read some of the posts I feel empowered and hopeful but when I want to post I feel so incredibly self-conscious and painfully vulnerable. I know its a "when you feel comfortable" leap of faith but im really just beginning this deep inner work and the fear of not being accepted is paralyzing.

I finally found you! After 10 years clean from all substances and multiple rounds of 12 step digging i have been exposed to the gut wrenching source of my suffering...Childhood. Of course I always knew my journey would lead me here but every time I attempted to self-parent, self-love or self---anything I would inevitably wind up in self-destruction, self-loathing and sabotage. After browsing through this community and seeing the courageous work being done here I feel at home (which is monumental since I've never known home before).

A quick background: Alcoholic/abusive stepfather (scapegoat), emotional abuse centered around shame, physical abuse and forced isolation, sexual abuse from outside household, suicidal ideation culminating in first attempt at 14, followed by addiction until age 29 with multiple other attempts in between.

Now at age 40 I have dedicated my life to recovery in every way. With 3 small children I refuse to allow my past to become their future. I'm currently seeing an amazing therapist who, through guided meditation, introduced me to... me. My inner child. I could smell and feel things I had long forgotten and with that introduction has come a flood of shame and vicious internal chatter all in my own voice.

I have so many questions as I've just recently discovered Pete Walker and his amazing work. Thank you all for your courage. Through all the fear and pain I feel more hopeful than ever. I look forward to being a part of this loving community