Hi,
I am almost 49 years old. I have been in and out of major bouts of depression and anxiety and have tried many different medications - some seem to work for a while then an irruption of the irrational occurs. I am starting to understand the triggers: financial insecurity as I am living on a fixed government pension that doesn't cover basic living expenses. I have been doing some consulting work to help this. Just recently all of my consulting work has dried up and I find myself back at seemingly square one.
I have worked through dependent relationships, sex for the sake of existing in the eyes of someone else, a highly ritualized cocaine addiction that seemed to "reset" my pain tolerance. The last medication mix was Effexor XR and Seroquel XR, with clonazopam (3 mg / day). I was a zombie and I experienced a horrible trigger at a job and spent the next five years in a zombie state. I am currently being followed by a psychiatrist. However, despite being a specialist in treating anxiety disorders, I don't think he is able to "hear" what I am really going through. My single passion is my research; I was in my fourth year of a Ph.D. when I had to stop from sheer exhaustion (finding funding and money to live, doing the contracts and being involved on numerous committees to improve my chances of getting hired). Now I am faced with a reality of not being able to find work (too old, too educated, too long away from the work force).
My complex PTSD started at the age of 2. I was terrorized into not crying. It continued with neglect, physical, sexual and psychological abuse with a borderline mother living through the trauma of losing her first born, and a psychopathic father who has limited emotional capacities. My world was dominated by double binds both at home and at school. The "rules" seemed to change every day and I never fully grasped what I was being punished for.
I do not see a future for myself. I also realize that I have no identity of my own. I have a passion that will not lead to a career but will be extremely taxing - if I go the route of academia. At the core of me I have always known that I am a good person who lives in a world that is not meant for the likes of me. This is a double edged sword. It essentially translates into a Jesus complex (save the world), which has propelled me to be very active in supporting the rights of gays and women. It is also the compelling voice urging me to end my life - as I can no longer bear more bouts with this crippling pain, or contribute to this world in a way where I can make a decent life for myself.
I live in Montreal. Despite my efforts to find adequate help - I seem to keep hitting a blank wall. Most therapists handle PTSD - but this is clearly not my case and simply applied CBT or DBT is of little use. My research and reading, my passion, lies in the domain of understanding how meaning is generated - and this also acts as a damocles sword. I keep finding myself in double binds - it is like a leitmotif of my life that I can't seem to escape.
I am open to all and any suggestions. Please help. Thank you!
I am almost 49 years old. I have been in and out of major bouts of depression and anxiety and have tried many different medications - some seem to work for a while then an irruption of the irrational occurs. I am starting to understand the triggers: financial insecurity as I am living on a fixed government pension that doesn't cover basic living expenses. I have been doing some consulting work to help this. Just recently all of my consulting work has dried up and I find myself back at seemingly square one.
I have worked through dependent relationships, sex for the sake of existing in the eyes of someone else, a highly ritualized cocaine addiction that seemed to "reset" my pain tolerance. The last medication mix was Effexor XR and Seroquel XR, with clonazopam (3 mg / day). I was a zombie and I experienced a horrible trigger at a job and spent the next five years in a zombie state. I am currently being followed by a psychiatrist. However, despite being a specialist in treating anxiety disorders, I don't think he is able to "hear" what I am really going through. My single passion is my research; I was in my fourth year of a Ph.D. when I had to stop from sheer exhaustion (finding funding and money to live, doing the contracts and being involved on numerous committees to improve my chances of getting hired). Now I am faced with a reality of not being able to find work (too old, too educated, too long away from the work force).
My complex PTSD started at the age of 2. I was terrorized into not crying. It continued with neglect, physical, sexual and psychological abuse with a borderline mother living through the trauma of losing her first born, and a psychopathic father who has limited emotional capacities. My world was dominated by double binds both at home and at school. The "rules" seemed to change every day and I never fully grasped what I was being punished for.
I do not see a future for myself. I also realize that I have no identity of my own. I have a passion that will not lead to a career but will be extremely taxing - if I go the route of academia. At the core of me I have always known that I am a good person who lives in a world that is not meant for the likes of me. This is a double edged sword. It essentially translates into a Jesus complex (save the world), which has propelled me to be very active in supporting the rights of gays and women. It is also the compelling voice urging me to end my life - as I can no longer bear more bouts with this crippling pain, or contribute to this world in a way where I can make a decent life for myself.
I live in Montreal. Despite my efforts to find adequate help - I seem to keep hitting a blank wall. Most therapists handle PTSD - but this is clearly not my case and simply applied CBT or DBT is of little use. My research and reading, my passion, lies in the domain of understanding how meaning is generated - and this also acts as a damocles sword. I keep finding myself in double binds - it is like a leitmotif of my life that I can't seem to escape.
I am open to all and any suggestions. Please help. Thank you!