Apologies for the essay. I think I just need to word-vomit this all out to help destress my brain.
Recently, I've seen the "golden child vs scapegoat" family dynamic terminology floating around my online spaces, and it had me curious. I thought I had a pretty decent understanding of these terms, particularly as they apply to my own family-of-origin situation, but now I feel at a loss. All the Googling I've done keeps coming up with articles, websites, etc about how the GC and scapegoat children stem from narcissisticly disordered families, but I can't find anything discussing how these two roles operate in non-NPD families. All the research on dysfunctional family dynamics, even on OOTS (https://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles), further break down each role, how they are formed, and how they operate, but my family doesn't "fit" any model.
Logically, I know each situation is unique and no situation is going to fit perfectly into any model, but as I'm continuing my healing journey, I want to make it fit, because then my abuse would make sense. My Trauma-Brain keeps thinking that if my family fits into these boxes, then what I experienced as a child is real; conversely, if we don't fit, then Trauma-Brain overheats and starts fizzing and spazzing like a robot that's just been asked to contemplate its own existence.
Neither of my parents fit the NPD diagnosis traditionally described in GC/scapegoat scenarios. My mom does exhibit some traits, but these are more-so explained by her undiagnosed anxiety and self-esteem issues than NPD. My sister has always been the GC, and a lot of my little-t-rauma stems from the way she treated me and the way my parents always favored her over protecting me. She does fit this role, but not as a result of an NPD-parent projection, necessarily.
What's really tripping me up more than anything, however, is my brother. My big-T-rauma occurred at his hands. He is definitely a narcissist (undiagnosed because he doesn't think he has a problem, of course). However, he was also the scapegoat growing up, often because of his narcissism. After he left home, my mother shifted the scapegoat role onto me, even referring to me as "Little [Brother's Name]." My brother was not a rebel or "weakling" or anything, he was just hyperintelligent, and he knew it. He used it as an excuse to be cruel towards anyone he deemed beneath him, and I just happened to be close enough in proximity and ignored enough by my parents to be his perfect victim.
But, if all the literature about dysfunctional families is correct, we don't fit the mold. My brother/primary abuser doesn't fit the mold. And weirdly, he isn't the one I'm most mad at (yet). My healing journey started because I suddenly felt so much rage towards my parents and my GC sister--not fully for the neglect/emotional abuse they inflicted, but because none of them protected me from my brother. My existence mattered so little to them that not only did they allow the abuse from my brother to occur, but they then had the audacity to name me as his successor. They replaced me with him in the scapegoat role as if we were in any way interchangeable.
I just...I can't make sense of any of it anymore. I want so desperately to understand why what happened to me happened, but no matter how much I try to explain it all away, there is no good reason. Nothing and no one can give me an explanation as to why he s****lly abused me. I just want to understand and I can't and I hate that I can't...
Recently, I've seen the "golden child vs scapegoat" family dynamic terminology floating around my online spaces, and it had me curious. I thought I had a pretty decent understanding of these terms, particularly as they apply to my own family-of-origin situation, but now I feel at a loss. All the Googling I've done keeps coming up with articles, websites, etc about how the GC and scapegoat children stem from narcissisticly disordered families, but I can't find anything discussing how these two roles operate in non-NPD families. All the research on dysfunctional family dynamics, even on OOTS (https://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles), further break down each role, how they are formed, and how they operate, but my family doesn't "fit" any model.
Logically, I know each situation is unique and no situation is going to fit perfectly into any model, but as I'm continuing my healing journey, I want to make it fit, because then my abuse would make sense. My Trauma-Brain keeps thinking that if my family fits into these boxes, then what I experienced as a child is real; conversely, if we don't fit, then Trauma-Brain overheats and starts fizzing and spazzing like a robot that's just been asked to contemplate its own existence.
Neither of my parents fit the NPD diagnosis traditionally described in GC/scapegoat scenarios. My mom does exhibit some traits, but these are more-so explained by her undiagnosed anxiety and self-esteem issues than NPD. My sister has always been the GC, and a lot of my little-t-rauma stems from the way she treated me and the way my parents always favored her over protecting me. She does fit this role, but not as a result of an NPD-parent projection, necessarily.
What's really tripping me up more than anything, however, is my brother. My big-T-rauma occurred at his hands. He is definitely a narcissist (undiagnosed because he doesn't think he has a problem, of course). However, he was also the scapegoat growing up, often because of his narcissism. After he left home, my mother shifted the scapegoat role onto me, even referring to me as "Little [Brother's Name]." My brother was not a rebel or "weakling" or anything, he was just hyperintelligent, and he knew it. He used it as an excuse to be cruel towards anyone he deemed beneath him, and I just happened to be close enough in proximity and ignored enough by my parents to be his perfect victim.
But, if all the literature about dysfunctional families is correct, we don't fit the mold. My brother/primary abuser doesn't fit the mold. And weirdly, he isn't the one I'm most mad at (yet). My healing journey started because I suddenly felt so much rage towards my parents and my GC sister--not fully for the neglect/emotional abuse they inflicted, but because none of them protected me from my brother. My existence mattered so little to them that not only did they allow the abuse from my brother to occur, but they then had the audacity to name me as his successor. They replaced me with him in the scapegoat role as if we were in any way interchangeable.
I just...I can't make sense of any of it anymore. I want so desperately to understand why what happened to me happened, but no matter how much I try to explain it all away, there is no good reason. Nothing and no one can give me an explanation as to why he s****lly abused me. I just want to understand and I can't and I hate that I can't...