I have Cptsd. I'm in therapy, not my first time. I've done EMDR, neurofeedback therapy, talk therapy, some somatic therapy (probably not enough), and lots of talk therapy.
My mother was a borderline, and beat me in the womb when she was pregnant with me. She didn't want me. She tried throwing herself down the stairs to end the pregnancy. She cried when she saw I wasn't a son. She tried switching me for a boy at the Army hospital I was born at. She dressed me in blue, and I had short hair until age 5.
I married a classic narcissist first, then my more recent divorce from a covert narcissist. My more recent ex, was a ex cop, and was heavily into subtle gaslighting. There was a lot of gaslighting, and with holding of affection, communication, etc.....basically more abandonment.
I now feel the only way I know to be safe, is to never get involved in another relasionship. I'm like heroine to these class b types. I've been perfectly conditioned over and over to be a narcissist wet dream. I have anxiety about EVERYTHING now. I isolate...a lot. I have read Peter walkers book twice now. It is like a bible. I'm getting real proficient about flashback recognition, and think at times, I spent weeks at a time in them. I'm 53 now, and know I can't go through another abusive relationship. It will kill me. I grieve a lot....so much to greive. I have no resilience anymore. Any normal life stressor triggers me. I try self compassion but have a lot of shame, everytime I recognize I'm triggered.
I am having a supremely hard time, feeling a sense of a manageable future for myself...a positive one. I know this timeless hopelessness itself is a flashback, but I can't seem to shake it. Moments of contentment are so rare, they feel surreal. I'm so tired...so very tired.
My mother was a borderline, and beat me in the womb when she was pregnant with me. She didn't want me. She tried throwing herself down the stairs to end the pregnancy. She cried when she saw I wasn't a son. She tried switching me for a boy at the Army hospital I was born at. She dressed me in blue, and I had short hair until age 5.
I married a classic narcissist first, then my more recent divorce from a covert narcissist. My more recent ex, was a ex cop, and was heavily into subtle gaslighting. There was a lot of gaslighting, and with holding of affection, communication, etc.....basically more abandonment.
I now feel the only way I know to be safe, is to never get involved in another relasionship. I'm like heroine to these class b types. I've been perfectly conditioned over and over to be a narcissist wet dream. I have anxiety about EVERYTHING now. I isolate...a lot. I have read Peter walkers book twice now. It is like a bible. I'm getting real proficient about flashback recognition, and think at times, I spent weeks at a time in them. I'm 53 now, and know I can't go through another abusive relationship. It will kill me. I grieve a lot....so much to greive. I have no resilience anymore. Any normal life stressor triggers me. I try self compassion but have a lot of shame, everytime I recognize I'm triggered.
I am having a supremely hard time, feeling a sense of a manageable future for myself...a positive one. I know this timeless hopelessness itself is a flashback, but I can't seem to shake it. Moments of contentment are so rare, they feel surreal. I'm so tired...so very tired.