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I apologise in advance this is a trigger warning!!

So, it looks as if my life is beginning to come to a critical point in 6 weeks time. I have been asked to move out of the small house I have been renting at extremely low costs in August. I have money that will last a month at best, and although I have been applying for social housing for the last months the chances of getting lucky are very slim at best,  especially in times of Covid.

Not only that, but I am not yet sure what to make of this. It appears on one hand to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This was very much a recurring nightmare I had over 30 years ago.  where children were throwing stones at me while I was sleeping in a doorway trying to stay warm. On the other hand, it appears this is a part of my path that I have been desperate to avoid, but must walk. Yet, I do not understand why.

I thought I was making progress. And do believe I am in the way I am reacting to this news. But after the last 2 years which have seen me lose relationships. Almost lose my business, then lose my father to Covid, while living in a different country. Then, I am genuinely not sure how much more I can take, considering I have lived in a hyper vigilant state for most of my life.

Of course, I want to avoid taking my life more so because I want to avoid causing PTSD in others, it is bad enough they had to live with mine. But there are times like now where I feel my head cannot bang one more time against this wall.

I am trying to find the energy from somewhere to lean into this challenge, but I am so, so tired.

I have reached out to my T, but that is once a week with a group, and they are the only face-to-face contact I have.

I am not going to do anything stupid, but I am just tired of being one breath from bancruptcy and one step from the streets.

Thank you for listening.

I also hear you goblinchild and not only do i see and relate to your struggle with your anger, i am finding great strength and also learning from your communication in asking for help. I wish from my own experience that i was able to communicate in this way many years ago.

Sadly when i was angry at someone i would always say that their behaviour was ok and that i was ok for fear of overeacting and not wanting a confrontation, often walking away or even just becoming silent. Unintentionally, because i did not know how to regulate myself emotionally, this little bit of anger would be stored up on top of all the other small irritations and then explode three or four months later. Sadly my behaviour was equally as abusive as to what i was experiencing and so it became destructive to the costs of friendships/relationships.

I still need to check my behaviour when i am feeling angry with someone but after a lot of therapy (ongoing) and hard work looking at myself, i began to understand that my anger would be much less destructive when i learned to listen to myself as a first step. After all how do i expect other people to hear me when i cannot hear myself. I am after all a product of my upbringing where children should be seen and not heard.

I agree with Notalone, you cannot make someone hear you, but you can hear yourself. I believe that the advice from CactusFlower does actually give a voice to your anger and that by writing this down also allows you to hear yourself and possibly find a more positive way of communicating with your friend. As Jazzy says, this also helps to clarify your intentions which I believe also puts the responsibility of your friends behaviour back onto her. I hope that my perspective is as helpful to you as yours is to me.



Thank you all of you.

OK, so before I continue with this subject I need to provide a little background without triggers for others. My CPTSD has a considerable impact on my behaviour in an intimate partner, family and social environment. As one of my T's explained I am extremely competent in a professional environment apart from groups of 3 or more and can function very effectively in the most stressful of work conditions. (think also life and death as a former partner carer for 16 years).


But place me in an environment where you are supposed to have fun, be relaxed and enjoy yourself, well, my sympathetic nervous system is still screaming BEWARE, BEWARE, BEWARE!!


So, I have been receiving treatment for almost 18 months involving a combination of EMDR, body centred psychotherapy and currently in group therapy (which presents my biggest challenge). As some of my early traumas relate to extreme violence and what I can only describe as both physical and mental torture experiences in a group environment.


Today's group therapy involved a drama lesson whereby each member takes on a certain emotion and everyone replicates the same. They call this the emotional bus, sorry but this is all new to me. I had already explained to the group and T's that I would find this difficult to do as this is not a real situation.  And that I would not be able to play the role of a bus driver with people sat behind me.


In real life if I were to get onto a bus I would sit at the back next to or near the emergency exit and where I could see everyone, ready to either react and help or to escape. And if need be fight.


Even though I knew I was in a safe environment, just the thought of role-playing had my amygdala working in hyper mode. However, being able to feel comfortable in an intimate group environment (family, friends, colleagues) is vital for me. Why, so I can feel human. I can feel that I belong.


The group offered to change the scenario to a boat whereby as a captain I would be facing everyone and could therefore take part in this role-play (game).


I agreed and during the next 10 minutes found myself completely shutting down apart from the odd nervous smile or laugh, as I really did not know how to react or behave. I knew it was not real, and I could see everyone enjoying their different roles, but for me, I could not let go of this feeling of responsibility....so could not let my inner child out and play.


We finally worked out that this was not through different traumas when I was older but learned behaviour from my parents as a young child and specifically from my mother. As a child, she could not play with others her age as she had to look after younger children in the family environment or help her mother with work. So, she felt guilt and shame and was often punished for playing.


For me, I do have memories of playing, but on my own. I do not have a single happy memory of playing with other children my age as I would often be looking after my sister or would need to be inside much earlier due to my parents working hours.


Add into the mix a national culture of children should be seen and not heard, along with the physical abuse from parents, teachers and other adults, then I am beginning to really understand where I come from. And just how far I need to go.


As a final note in this post, learning about my parents upbringing and social environment has allowed me to understand their behaviour and how I developed (there is of course a lot more) as a child. And while others have pointed out correctly that this does not excuse abusive behaviour, it has given me room to forgive and love them. Which means in the future I can hopefully find room and forgiveness for myself, without fear or judgement, and let my inner child out to play and, positively, run wild.


Thank you for listening.

I would like to thank you for accepting me onto this forum, and it has taken me a while to be able to write and to continue to do so without stopping and pressing delete. I am 54 and was diagnosed with PTSD almost 2 years ago for numerous traumas over a long duration, starting in my childhood and I also have a secondary condition of avoidance personality disorder. Furthermore, I consider myself to be extremely lucky as I have a team of people who are treating me, although I am still unsure if I am at the beginning or in the middle of this journey. I do know that it will take a lot of effort from myself, having to check and re-evaluate my behaviour and how I react to both people and environments for the rest of my life.

I chose my name because above all else I am a humanist and hoping that I will be reborn to be true to myself and in turn to other people.....sorry if this comes across as rambling.

I did believe I had everything in order and had coped relatively OK, until a tiny event opened a Pandora's box of pain, confusion, dread and absolute powerlessness that had me pressing my self-destruct button. 

The only reason I did not try to take my life (had 1 previous attempt over30 years ago) is because I realized it could cause PTSD in others and I would not wish this on anyone.

I hope that by learning from all of you I will be able to communicate in a clearer  and more coherent way that I have not been able to do for so long. This has made it almost impossible for me to have any sort of relationship and even the couple of friends I do have, I find myself struggling to nurture and not neutralize. Thank you all for your time and I hope to keep you in touch with what I have already learned and future lessons that lie on my path.