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I am sending her links to Peter Walkers work which she may find ties in with some of her clients issues. Her work is gradually leading her to deal with more and more cases of anxiety. There is such scope for self hypnosis for calming the inner critic for example. I will make that one specific suggestion to her now I know that her site has been visited and enjoyed by members of this forum.   

An excellent share wingnut - I too found the FAQ's around dissociation interesting. There are days when I just find myself in my kitchen with no idea how long I have been standing there and no idea why. Better than it used to be, once I would have the same experience in town, no idea how I got there, or why, or how long I had been standing, staring at a shop window, blankly. That was proper scary. The fact that it has decreased in intensity so much has to be a sign of slow healing, although outside of close up hyper vigilance and my political activism the world, for me, barely exists. It's all so foggy.

I think there is a sense of self-awareness that runs parallel (but often crosses into CPTSD as an injury rather than an innate condition) that is absent in BPD where the identification with the disorder seems much more close, even absolute. These days I find my mind and my injured brain to be two separate entities - with my mind seeking to relate to my traumatised brain in ways that free me from it / heals it rather than hating it and attacking it. This ability to step out (when one isn't being triggered) and to relate to the condition points away from "personality disorder" and towards trauma. Basically normal psychologies going through abnormal experiences.

Yes....a succession of buildings but no home. It was such a relief to drop anchor for a few years! But I have never felt a sense of belonging...my family of origin...well, I have cptsd so am unlikely to feel massive sense of belonging there! Nor to any one geographical location. I have found a sense of home in my heart...I know it sounds cheesy but self acceptance of who I am rather than who I believe / believed myself to be has given me more a sense of having a right to walk the earth and belong than many other things. And speaking of belonging I am glad you feel so welcome here Trees

Hello Middleground - thank you for making that effort to write. Operating through dissociations is a real effort. I'm new here myself but still want to give you a warm welcome. and wow! You have done so much for yourself already. I hope that you find long term stability and a foundation in all senses of the word soon.

You are most welcome.

Ah...forgiveness or denial. Very good point. I have spent a HUGE amount of time considering this and have written three short and simple blog posts about it:

http://theacceptanceproject.co.uk/acceptance-forgiveness-blog/begin-acceptance-forgiveness/

But briefly I have found that accepting and forgiving my feelings about x, y, z to be far more possible than accepting & forgiving x, y z themselves. Strangely when I forgive the feelings about and around them, the external form of x, y, z becomes less threatening.

And secondly my pain is not my enemy to be hated and bombed but my wounds to be tended by compassion, insight and love.

Anyways, the posts are there if anyone fancies a trip to flookieland.

A friend of mine has a really good self help section on her blog / site. She is a professional hypnotherapist. The self-hypnotic inductions she gives are really nice to just relax to. We are close friends and since my diagnosis I think she may be thinking about ways to help cptsd bods like ourselves. Am about to email her links n stuff and try and gently nudge her in this direction...anyways the site is at:

http://hypno4freedom.co.uk/

And the specific series of posts regarding self hypnotic induction (which are relaxation exercises par excellence - I adore the candle one -) are to be found at:

http://hypno4freedom.co.uk/self-help-blog/self-help-hypnotherapy/self-hypnosis/

She is a lovely, lovely human being.

How could I ever think that my CPTSD was anything but an affliction? That puzzles me. That the sheer craziness in my head was just seen as being "silly old me". And to reach those points and think, like you Cat, "hey, this is what the normals live with" it is like visiting a foreign country.

Chronic physical pain
Kindness towards the crap feelings that arise from my chronic pain
Sorrow as I have recalled abusive stuff but hope that it may benefit others and so acquire real meaning and preciousness.
Sense of battling brain fog as I have stuff to do tomorrow and I hope I notice the post it notes I have left myself.
General background sorrow.
One bad EF today but was the short but severe sort.
Gratitude for my friends.

Badmemories, that is a woman with major mental health issues of her own. Her behaviour said more about herself to everyone present than it did about you. Fact.

I'm not surprised you dissociated with the background of church stuff. My parents called them "admonishings" and gave me a nice preamble about Christian duty and all that piety that excused them for giving me grief because I used the word "lucky" rather than "blessed" - and with no personal space whatsoever. I mean, their faces were about a foot away from mine as I tried to force my body through the wall I was backed up against or my head through the back of the chair on which I was sitting.

I abhor confrontation as my first instinct is to go small, go invisible. I have learned other more assertive behaviours but it is really hard to avoid the first and not slide into a jumbled mental incoherence of EF's.

As a friend of mine would loudly say if he saw her in action "imagine being married to that!" Someone gets that abuse on a daily basis. It is certain that it's not just you but the whole bloody world that's her problem.

I used to work with the homeless and had a similar character causing trouble for my clients. I rang the police and described her. They told me that she had created untold amounts of hassle for them over absolutely nothing.

I can't expect miracles from myself at the time. But what I have taught myself afterwards is some quiet time, post event, for some love and compassion towards the hurt and the confusion and the self-doubt, to see them as wounds in need of healing with compassion and not enemies in need of bombing.

My dearest froot, you have my heart on this one.

I have a bear called Mr Shnoogles! Perhaps it's a throwback thing as the abuse with me could only start post language learning. But sod it. As I proudly remarked to someone who once asked what kind of man takes a Teddy Bear to a gig I replied with proud gusto "MR SHNOOGLES IS MY FRIEND!"

Zazu wrote

Whobuddy, there was the same situation in my house growing up, pretty much exactly. Housecleaning time was something to be feared, because it would be in an out-of-control rage from mother. However, she also had an occasional habit of going into my room while I was at school and stripping it of everything, even my prized possesions, leaving it empty and echoing. There was such a feeling of invasion at those times. Brr.

Oh my God. My mother would change stuff around in my room to "make it look nicer" without so much as a by your leave. This I think was also part of the room searches which would occasionally yield some un-Christian work or other for me to be forced to burn. Like Tolkien, Blake or, most shamefully some trans art I had created. Hello exorcisms on that one. Mind you cross dressing without really thinking it would be noticed as I had chosen blouses and looms instead of a dress was a bit of a naive error! But yes, the feeling of invasion was horrendous.

One dark night I had no idea my room had been changed again, being a child I took a running leap in the dark to where I thought my bed was and found it was replaced by a chest of drawers!

But the whole lack of awareness that space was there to be respected puzzled me then and confuses me now. It got to me badly...those room searches. I remember thinking and feeling "this is mental rape".

Domestic environments changed utterly randomly as every twelve to eighteen months my parents moved house with me in tow for no reason I could discern whatsoever. I think the most treasured possessions I had was a brown handled butter knife as I could remember it as a very young child indeed and my small sized chair which had moved with me unpteem times and was mine. Yes, one day they junked it and told me afterwards. So we would have an utter scorched earth policy every year or so. Move, redecorate, do up the garden, lay carpets, lino, the whole lot. And then move to less than a mile away for no discernible reason.  One day the brown handled knife was lost during a move. One little marker of consistency lost...I was so upset but kept it to myself as I had learned that attracting attention was an invitation to *.

My mother was a compulsive cleaner so I was never encouraged to do my bit. All flooked up, one might say. Such great care to look after something that was to be discarded for another pointless move. I curse my sanity...it made me so aware that so much was wrong. Yet the fact that I had CPTSD went under my radar for decades whilst I just assumed it was part of me, not a condition or an affliction. Jeeeeeeeez...

I know I keep saying it but I am astounded that such details (like room changing) are shared experiences.

Excellent work Cat! Have to admire someone who takes their experience in such an open way when the previous experience is thought bundle after thought bundle unpacking themselves and running around like mad. Wishing you more success and more peace with it!

Hi Voiceless...yeah...it seens that cptsd has set out our life mission  , to recover from our wounded brains as best we can. I spent a long time quite miserable  over the possibility that my brain would always be abusive and prone to self hate & shame. But then I considered how far I have come. And that evrn if the crap doesn't get rewired / re-routed at least I can live in a much kinder compassionate space towards it. Thank you for your kind words. It is such a comfort to know ones own experiences have helped another and that we are so much more than we have been taught to believe we are! That alone is a wonderful and strengthening fact.