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I can relate to that "I panic internally and my brain goes on strike" very well. My FOO left me with that, too. It is so unfair! I'm getting really angry when I think of it. Also I am glad that I am not alone having been treated like that.

Welcome @nonymous 

notalone,
thank you for saying this. You are right. It is what it is and how much it is. And that is okay.

I am ready now after writing so much in this thread and receiving so much validation from you all to really listen to my heart and act accordingly.
Thank you all.
Anjulie

I feel I need to explain something about what I said about the narcistic part of me.
It was not only that I thought I was special and wonderful, but I also sometimes used to look down on people when I felt in danger as a means of defense. I didn't bully them but inside me, I raised myself above them. Well, I've long since understood what I was doing and have made great progress in not falling into that pattern.

therapy isn't just about feeling good or even just better, like one might regard a medical problem. Therapy provides that chance to dig deeper into the core of one's heart and soul, regardless of immediate good/bad feelings.

woodsgnome thank you for writing this, it somehow strikes a chord with me and it made me think a lot.

I try to share my thoughts in the moment.

For me, therapy had always been for becoming able to cope with daily life, for surviving and getting to a level where I could cope without therapy (I take antidepressants though - and need them, as I have repeatedly tried to reduce them). I think that's what most therapists believe, too.

My own feelings are:

There is a wish to get to the core and embrace who I really am. I would like to have all that I've gone through as a child witnessed by another human being. I think this would simply be to much for any of my people (parter, friends).

Earlier therapies touched the core and I have cried sometimes or angered. But I remember not beeing able to bear compassion from the therapist. I also never attached myself to any therapist - I don't know if that means anything. I never was sad to leave a therapist. I have a lot of memories (emotional neglect and abuse by NP, so there maybe nothing to discover anymore. So I think I've done a certain amount of grieving already and don't know if there is so much left for justifying therapy. Maybe the therapist will say: You've grieved enough. You're already there. And dismiss me.

I think a part of me believes I'm not entitled to have more help, I'm functioning again at the moment, right? Another part longs for being heard and seen. But again: " But do you suffer enough?" I can see, it is a thought circle....

I also feel like there is something that I cannot pin down at the moment - maybe it has to do with the feeling of not taking myself so importantly - I'm diagnosed with combined personality disorder with a narcistic part in it - the others are dependent and borderline. Narcistic: one part of me used to think I am special and wonderful (intelligent and "dancing queen") - but I think that was only a coping strategy - well, so in parts of my therapy until now ts were telling me that I should not take myself so importantly - at least that's what I heard. I don't know if I got that bit right.

And then I can see clearly that cptsd is so much affecting my life - look at my reactions and efs when I wrote and worried about not being good here in the forum - full blast efs... I cannot consider myself healed at all... Can efs be reduced by a kind of digging-deeper-therapy? Or can we heal with beeing present with ourselves nonjudgementally and let the feelings get out + thought-stopping + thought-correction? Like in Pete Walkers book? Well, not that he says that healing doesn't need therapy.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot to have this place to sort my thoughts.

 Today I feel better. It is as if the crying my  heart out in the arms of my husband has released much of the tension and pain. Also the confusion. I'm keeping the appointment with the therapist, But I'll see how things develop until then. And if I feel that it's not necessary at the moment, I can still cancel it in two weeks.
But I know myself, things can change very quickly. It will be good to know to have this appointment when things get worse again.

"It is okay to need affirmation and encouragement."
Thank you so much, notalone. This thought is somehow new to me... it feels like a warming sun   

How can they put the blame on you!? at them

Welcome, zeecoctane

I think I will feel so free.  Free just to move around without fear.

Oh that sounds great. It is what you truely deserve

Thanks Three Roses I think I'll need this again 

Hi bluepalm and sj
I feel what you say are really powerfull insights. Thank you, it helps me a lot just now.

Thank you blueberry and woodsgnome!
Atm I feel very exhausted but I want to say that your postings were very helpful and so validating. I can't tell you what it means to me that you take that much time to answer me and that you understand me and share your experiences with me. I don't feel so alone with that anymore

The witnessing- yes, that is so important, isn't it?

Today I called a therapist and made an appointment on April 1st. She told me to see other t, too, so that I can choose better. But I've had enough for now. Very exhausted. But ok. So let's see how everything turns out.
After I called her, I was so finished (do you say that in English?) and then everything came out - I cried very much... but the first time, I allowed myself to be just like that in front of my husband. He held me and it was ok for him. That was such a good experience. We felt very close after that. 

Thank you all for witnessing 

Dee, thank you!

I also felt like it was effecting your marriage from what I read.  That certainly would be a case for therapy.

Yes, that is the case to some extent and I don't want it to become worse.

I've been thinking about consulting a therapist and sent one an email. But all the time, I keep thinking about it. I am afraid that she might tell me that I've had enough therapy already... Maybe want to arm myself with reasons?
There is a lot hopping back and forth right now  and I feel deeply ashamed of that.

Hi
I'd like to write about my thoughts about therapy at the moment. Any feelings or thoughts /feedback will be very welcome.

*** Triggers involved***

From the age of 17 I've needed a lot of help: therapy, hospital.. Back then, (I moved out at the age of 16) I was very desperate, not able to live, in fact, I wanted to die. I had no idea who I was or how I could carry on. All my inner life was fear, shame, self-hate and wildly spinning thoughts and moods, I was also hurting myself. Gladly, there was also a fierce will to live, except in the moments I really wanted to die, but that was only because I didn't know how it could get better. Finally, after a real suicide attempt (still, half-hearted), I called a hospital and went to the youth psychiatry.

Then, my healing journey began. It feels that I have done recovery work since then every single day from getting up till going to bed. I really had a lot of therapy, mostly psychoanalysis, and two years ago, dbt, But the dbt-Therapist kept telling me, it was all not at all about guilt. One time she felt compassionate for my f when he'd bullied me and I sent him an angry letter. She said: he just doesn't know how to do it right. She kept telling me, I had to many expectations of them, so they can't fulfill them. And that they have rights, too.

But overall, there has been a lot of progress and now there is a lot more joy and good relationships in my life. I can't list all the inner accomplishments, but they are there. I thought, I'd cope without therapy now.

Since last summer, I've had a hard time adjusting to my new life circumstances (my lifelong invalidity pension had been granted). I didn't have to work anymore - work had  always been very difficult and often retraumatizing. I guess, somehow this was against all of what I have learned of life's values. What to do now? And then I saw how strong my inner critic still was, poisoning everything I engage in - for example, songwriting which was a central coping-skill for a long time, but also new things. I ran into them until I'm exhausted.. And I'm noticing that I have so many flashbacks, most days at least one... To see, after all this inner work of nearly 30 years, that I am still so damaged... it is so sad. And I feel a lot of shame, that it's still not solved.

I have difficulty in showing what I feel (the extend of it), my husband is himself exhausted from the crisis I have because it triggers him sometimes to see me suffer. All my friends have problems themselves and there is no one really healthy around me atm.

I was proud not to need therapy any more... But now I've wrote all this, I can see it would be very helpful to have a person with which I can be myself without breaks on. Well, I can be with myself, and I have made big progress in being there for me. I think that is why I ask myself if a therapist would help in other ways I can. But it is hard to feel what I feel when I'm alone.

Anjulie