Messages

Thanks for your post Rosemarie-it helps so much to know I am not alone in this.  My husband is kind and supportive but also worried about his own health and ability to work past age 65-he is 60 now.  My therapist met him recently and told me today that I SHOULD NOT EXPECT him to work until he is 70.  She said he seemed so tired.  He has back problems and is going to have back surgery soon.  He can't travel on his job like he used to.  I am in great physical health.  My grandmother lived to be 101.  I should be able to work well past retirement years.  My dad is 76 in great health and still working full time.

I hear you on stubborness.  I had a streak of rage today in therapy and said if I can * go from no self-esteem, flunking out of 10th grade, with a narcissistic, unsupportive father and bipolar neglectful mother and cruel sisters-to a law school graduate - then I can damn well turn my * life around now. 

I am excited for you that you found a new coach and hope you get a lot out of that.

Hi Rosemarie, that's exactly it.  How * long is this going to take.  Should I try and just trigger myself to get out some more grief or let it come naturally.  Should I start boxing to let some anger out or will it come naturally.  Yes I am impatient.  I want to be over this and have a job (I have been unemployed for two years) and start making money and plan for retirement like I should be doing.  My therapist said the other day it may take 2-3 years; something like that.  But my husband says if you don't have a job by x date (a year from now) we are really going to be in a difficult situation.  I don't know if I can handle working full time right now.  I often don't sleep well; I am still drinking a bit to numb the pain; I am exhausted by the emotional effort that recovery takes.  I just feel so * helpless sometimes.  I have worked every day of my adult life up until two years ago.  I was an attorney and that was too stressful of a job.  I have to find something completely new.  My identity has been shattered.  OK this is turning into a whine fest.  I am writing this in a sleep deprived state.  I'll come back when I am more centered.

Intense crying spell Sunday.  Left me feeling drained all day.  Today didn't go to Piedmont to volunteer.  Once I did get going and take a shower and get things done I felt better.  Haven't cried today but feel on the verge of tears.

I'm sorry you went through that.  FFIL sounds very immature and what he did was cruel.  I don't think I would like it at all if my SO didn't support me in such a situation.  You've been through enough; you don't need to deal with that kind of behavior as an adult.

You are in a tough spot with having to deal with them a couple times a month-especially if FFIL triggers you because of your past.  Are you in therapy?  You really need some support in all of this and to find ways to deal with both your SO and future in laws.

Thanks Contessa and Kizzie.  Kizzie I will try them both.  This sure is a lot of hard work 

I am in therapy and just coming out of the fog.  I am having intense crying spells and can cry at just about anything.  I am concerned about getting stuck in this.  I can't access my anger very well and feel that that would be more empowering.  Any advice about how long is acceptable to grieve and how to access anger?

I cried for 4 hours straight listening to music from my adolescence.  It's a sure fire way for me to work through my grief.  I guess I am deliberately triggering myself to get all this crap out of my system.

I dreamed all night long about this guy who didn't want to leave his daughter an inheritance.  So totally about my dad.  Being excluded from his inheritance although a long way away will make me feel double traumatized.  Not only have I had to spend all this money on therapy because of him.  I don't get what my sisters will get-and I am the one he abused.  How in the world is that fair?

Dreamed I found a newborn baby; filthy and abandoned and I cleaned her up; put on fresh clothes and blanket and then was debating about what to do about her.  Take her back to the store where I found her?  Keep her?  In the same dream I had a lot of money stolen out of my purse and I was so angry at myself for leaving my purse unattended.  Not sure what any of this means.  My abandoned inner child perhaps-not knowing what to do with her.  Getting angry at myself instead of at my perpetrators.  My therapist said I should hold my inner child.  Maybe make new memories with her.  Take her to the park and swing?  I think I am going to buy some coloring books and crayons today.

So last night I dreamed that I was with a couple of friends and we ended up at my old law firm.  Mr. Washington, one of the main partners is there.  One of my friends casually mentions that I deserve a bonus.  Mr. Washington says, when she works hard to make up for the last four months we would consider it.  He doesn't realize, nor do my friends that I don't work there anymore.  (It was an argument over a promised bonus that I didn't receive that turned ugly that led to my being laid off from this law firm.) 

I have this dream all the time that I am still working there; and it an odd capacity; I have no connection to the other workers; I am in a satellite office by myself but still I am happy I have a job and then I wake up and realize I don't have a job.  Its jarring.  And its been 5 years since I worked there. 

Also dreamed last night that I was telling some relatives, My Aunt P and Uncle J that I am switching my major from law to engineering.  What the heck.  My math skills are so bad I can hardly add fractions and I am going to be an engineer.  I think this has to do with telling people the truth at my volunteer hospital job.  (I am there to get medical care experience)  I can't tell them I was an attorney and am studying to be a medical coder.  I think they will think its crazy; with all that education.  I feel shame-not good enough-crazy even for wanting to switch to such a low paying job.  The truth is I have searched for two years for a different less stressful job in law that doesn't involve court.  I have searched for other possibilities of study and have run into this math problem time and time again.  I had no college math.  My math skills are probably those of a 6th grader.  I have lost any skills from High School.  That rules out a different better paying job in health care like radiology or health information management.  Just to get into a technical school you have to pass a test that has math questions on it.  I have succeeded in graduating in the top third of my class in law school and passing the bar on my first try but I can't even get into a technical school?  I have tried remedial math classes on line and end up so frustrated that I am not getting the concepts. 

My therapist still says things like "Is your attorney license still active?  Good.  You have a great degree; I feel your future is rosy,  You will end up doing well when you heal. 

So what about this coding field that I defaulted to when there was no other viable alternative.  I was exploring careers in the health care field because of the number of jobs available.  Coding was a job that required no math skills to actually get into the program.  When my therapist and I were brainstorming about what I could do with my life and I reviewed all my failed attempts to find a different job in law; she says well then why don't you go back to school.  I explain all my attempts to do so.  Hubby is researching fields for me and comes across this medical coding field.  I research like crazy and it seems like a good option; lots of jobs etc.  Its only $5000 for school.  You have to pass a certification and then you are qualified.  It fit my criteria; a job in a field that has high demand; little infusion of cash to get into it and little time needed (less than a year) to get the certification.  Why is it not good enough; why is it that I have a hard time explaining it to others?  Why do I feel ashamed I can't use my law degree anymore?  My supervisor at my volunteer job asks me in the elevator what I was doing prior; I said bankruptcy law; she pushes further...a paralegal she says- I say yes; she says is that what your degree is in; I say yes.  She says she has a similar degree.  Now I feel stuck.  A nurse asks me yesterday some questions about my background.  I vaguely say law.  Luckily someone interrupts her before she can push further; how can I say attorney now that I have already told someone else paralegal?  What kind of quandary have I put myself into.  I don't lie.  I am very ethical.

My husband says; I should say something to the supervisor like this.  I wasn't really forthcoming with you before; I was a paralegal many years ago but I went to law school and became a lawyer.  I didn't like it and no I am exploring the health care field.  Why would this be so hard for me to say?  The shame of failing at law; the guilt about practically lying about my past; the vulnerability I would feel in disclosing I am embarrassed about my misfortunes in life and where they have led me.  That I couldn't make a career in law work because I was never self confident enough; assertive enough-that my performance anxiety for court was so strong I could no longer make it work.  What have my family done in the past-well they have shamed me.  They have never acknowledged my achievements; they were brutal to me when I finished college and couldn't immediately find a job.  So that's what I am doing to myself.  I am adopting their critical ways of dealing with me.  I am allowing their control over how I feel about entering a new and better situation in life.  Law was never right for me.  Oh I am just sick of worrying over this crap.

Mine has been vicious lately too.  I am a failure; I can't get my career path straight; I make stupid mistakes.  Pete Walker suggests getting really angry at the inner critic.  Put the blame where it belongs-on the people that inserted that critic in the first place.

So I have a vivid bad dream last night about grandma.  I am at her house visiting and she mentions something about dad.  I say you know dad doesn't even like me; he hasn't since I was young.  And she gets really mad.  She takes off in her car to get some air.  She comes back and she is still mad.  I try and hug her and tell how much she means to me.  She shrugs me off.  She says she is going to take me to court and sue me for being abusive to my grandfather to get me out of town.  I can't believe it, I am devastated.  I beg her to reconsider and try to explain why I think he doesn't like me.  Then suddenly I am in a room with GOLDEN CHILD Sister R.  I say to her; what about all those extra presents he sent you and the extra money.  She just looks at me, not caring.  I wake up.

So whats the message.  If I tell anyone the truth of whats going on in this dysfunctional family no one will want to believe me  (My grandma-his mother) or care about believing me (Sister R).

Today on the ride into the hospital to volunteer, I reviewed all of these instances of trauma caused by family members and think oh, I have to tell my therapist that story.  It's like I can't wait to talk to her to share more of all the crap I have had to go through.  Just get it out of my system.

My Wedding.  We decide we want to keep it small (for financial and other reasons); all my family lives across the country.  I decide just to invite Dad, Mom and sisters.  I didn't think it even fair to expect other relatives to travel that far.  After wedding is over and I go to see grandmother (which costs a lot of money).  Grandmother asks why I didn't invite her; that she was like a mother to me.  I really believe that if communication was at a healthy level in this family; that it would have been told to me; especially by father, that my grandmother would have really liked an opportunity to come and wouldn't have looked at it like a burden.  And I would have gladly invited her.   I was a little upset that she was making me feel guilty-She also could have called me and expressed an interest in coming.  THIS FAMILY DOES NOT COMMUNICATE AT ALL.   I really felt that I didn't deserve for her to come.  After all, she went to my cousins college graduation with my aunt and uncle at the very same university I went to-but neither she nor dad came to mine.

When I was about to give birth to my son; Sister R and Mom visit Sister K in XXX.  But no one would even entertain the thought of visiting me after the birth of my child.  You hear so many stories about family traveling long distances to see their loved ones with their new babies.   It really hurts not to have family care about the big moments in your life. 

So at our expense I decide to go to XXX where  both sisters will be present along with mom to show off my young baby (I think he was about 4-5 months).  Before the trip Sister R says she can't have us stay with her; she is in the middle of moving in; the house is upside down etc.  But when we get there; Sister K and her family are staying there.  I was the one with the young baby; all their children were older; but once again my feelings or needs are not paid any attention.  We left earlier than we intended to because I was so upset.

Hubby and I have spent so much money; it costs a lot to get to the little out of the way towns that my Dad and Grandmother live in.  I always felt like it was my obligation.  And then at Dads we would stay in a hotel because of my cat allergies-adding to the expense-while sisters stayed for free.  Always the one who bears the greater burden.  Sister R has never come to visit me in 22 years since my wedding.  Dad has come twice in 22 years.  Sister K also twice in 22 years.  I am sure the visits amongst Sister R Golden Child and Dad are at least 3 times a year despite them living across the country from each other.  Not sure about Sister K but I know Dad has visited her quite a few times and she and Sister R have frequent trips between them. 

And then there are the ski trips.  The source of a lot of pain.  Not even sure when that got started; College age I think.  Dad very blatantly and cruelly left me out.  Sisters and their families went and had all those annual bonding experiences; I got sent pictures at Christmas of all of them together on these trips.  HOW IN THE * does my  FATHER not know that it might be painful for the excluded child to receive pictures of  family members having fun without me.  AND last year at Grandmothers funeral; a cousin asks, Terri do you ski (go on these trips) and SISTER R does not even let me answer the question; she jumps in with some nonsensical crap that I can't even remember; when the real shameful secret is I have deliberately been excluded because my Dad doesn't like me.  Because he is a Narcissist and has used me as a scapegoat and dumping ground for all he hates in himself and that is the real truth.

Grandmothers funeral was another example of me having to share an expensive burden to get there.  Dad doesn't even have the decency to share details; like hey would you like to speak at the service.  He knew how close I was to her but he acted surprised that I even came.  When the short story I wrote about my Grandmother was read and I wasn't given credit for having written it-that was hurtful.  and then SISTER R gets up and has her prepared speech-it just pissed me off.  The only person who showed deep compassion and understanding that my grandmother meant a lot to me and we had a special relationship was strangely enough DADS girlfriend.  We are going through her things and she shows me a quilt and says why don't you take this Terri -and Dad marches in and says NO-SISTER R GOLDEN CHILD wants that.  I felt like I was three years old again when he said that.  Sister R gets to look it over and decide whether she wants it or not-SHE GETS THAT CHOICE-WHAT THE *-my Grandmother would have wanted a totally different decision making process there.

Thanks 3roses.  I wish I didn't feel the need to self-medicate.  I know I need to adapt healthier coping mechanisms.  The pain is quite acute right now; I only discovered a few weeks ago that my Dad verbally abused me as a child (my mom told me).  So I am looking at my whole life through a different lens.

So yesterday was my sisters birthday.  I debated whether to send her a text Happy Birthday.  In the end, I didn't.  Feel kind of empty about that.  Yesterday told my therapist some more things from my past.  Like driving home with my college roommate and discovering my mom; in  a manic/psychotic state had run the car right into the garage door and it was all smashed in.  I don't know what happened to that relationship with that roommate; I know it ended badly.  We argued over some things.  Anyway we also talked about what hubby said about if I didn't get a job by next January we would have to sell the house.  I felt pressured when he said that. Yes I am going to be finished with my coding class and certification; but it may take some time to get a job.  Most physicians offices and hospitals want two years experience.  She said I need to get more involved with the finances and figure out for myself what is going on.  Feel incredible guilt that we have my student loans to pay and I am not practicing law anymore.  Hubby and I did talk awhile about it and he said he didn't blame me; that he should have been paying attention to the loans and not just paying the bare minimum.  That we will be o.k. if we take money out of the 401k to pay off the loans.  I don't want to do that either.  I don't want to be poor in our retirement.  A lot hinges on me getting some meaningful employment.

Its been two years since I closed my law practice and got depressed.  Only in the last two months or so have I linked that depression to CPTSD and the horrible traumatic childhood and adolescence that I had.  I am still having trouble getting interested into exercise and hobbies I used to like to do.  I am crying a lot; which the therapist thinks is great.  I need to grieve.  I have been drinking too much too.  No one knows that; not therapist or hubby.