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HI Pam -- The way I understand it is that some parts of our psyche got stuck or developmentally arrested in childhood because of abuse/neglect in childhood.  I don't think it's a case of having separate personalities, rather it's a separate part that is not integrated into a whole personality.  So I think when we have an EF we are switching into one of a developmentally arrested part of our psyche.  I think I read in Walker's book that we go to our "child-mind."

So I'm going with Door #3 as well - for now anyway.  Hopefully as we all talk about these issues/concepts we'll be able to distill down the clinical to the lived experience of CPTSD.

Welcome to OOTS Pam, glad to see you made your way here too!  We're just getting rolling but hope to build a community where we can all learn about and recover from CPTSD, and best of all a place where we don't have to be perfect!  So if you aren't able to provide 100% understanding, not to worry no-one will reject you or tell you you don't belong.  We're all finding our way so just jump in, and when you're ready maybe you can make an intro post and tell us a little about your situation. 

That's that self-abandonment thing BadMemories.  This is a great opportunity for you to try and let yourself feel differently, to feel good about those thank you's.

Go ahead and soak it in, it's a good balm for healing old wounds! Say to yourself "I did do good!" then smile and let us know how it felt 

[GT]

"Persistant boogers" - good one GT!  IF I recall yours are related to work?  My big one is parties/big social events like weddings. I get a big case of anticipatory anxiety before one -  weeks ahead even. 

Badmemories - it is a lot to handle so I think you're smart by focusing on one aspect of your CPTSD at a time.  I ended up there only because I was just diagnosed in the spring when my SA got out of control.  It has since decreased, so I'm now focusing more on the overall CPTSD - tall order!

I had to read Pete Walker's book a bit at a time too KF - it's a lot to take in.  I loved finding myself in all that he wrote though, and even if it's going to be a bit of journey at least I feel like I am on the right path finally.

Hi and welcome to OOTS EmotionOverload, glad you found your way here from OOTF.

I suspect we'll eventually see lots of people who are members in both forums - dealing with people who have a PD, especially as children just sets us up for developing CPTSD unfortunately.

I hope you are able to settle into your new med regime soon.  It took me a good month on my current med (Celexa) and I'm glad I stuck with it as it has helped so much. 

If you have any resources re CPTSD to share plse do - we're 'trail blazers' in that respect, just like OOTF when it first started I would imagine. Hopefully we'll build up a cache of good resources/information as we go along.

Happy posting 

Hmmmmm, this doesn't sound like me although I have lashed out at PDs on occasion, even stomped out of a couple of jobs in a fit of anger when my boss was PD.  I'll have to think about this one a bit more.

I agree BadMemories, sorting out what personality disorders (PDs) are all about and then using the tools from Out of the FOG really helped me to notice if/when I was fawning and instead try to be more authentic about what I think/feel.

So far the only problem has been with PD FOO -- they do not like it when you don't feed their need and don't behave as you once did do they lol? 

Tks for getting this thread going BadMemories!

I know you're dealing with CPTSD, but there's a great online forum for Social Anxiety that you may want to have a look at, even if just to get some more info on it.   It's called Social Anxiety Support (SAS) and you can find it here - http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/. 

Social anxiety is one of the five main symptoms of CPTSD so you may find it helpful. I've been a member for about 6 months and have gotten a lot out it.  (I post in the +40 group as I can't relate to a lot of the anxieties younger member have about dating, etc.)   

Fellow freezer here too (now I'm singing FreezeFrame in my head - it will take forever to get rid of this ear worm lol), but I totally agree - onward!  Any small success is good.

Tks BadMemories for getting this thread and the other defense reaction threads going 

[Emotion Overload]

Hi Emotion Overload and welcome to OOTS! 

I agree with GT, the little successes add up so kudos on trying to get on top of the chaos - at the same time, be kind and patient with yourself, wrestling with CPTSD takes a lot of energy.  Earlier this year CPTSD "brought me to my knees" too -- that's such a good description of how it felt.   My list of getting back on top of things was quite short for a while - get out of bed, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed and make bed.  That was it and if I managed that I was content.  Little by little as I began to feel better I added small goals and now I'm back to functioning fairly well. Mind you it was not without help - like you I changed meds (which made a huge difference after about a month on it and a few unsuccessful tries with other med),  and got some therapy.  If you have a chance perhaps you can post in the Intro section and tell us a bit more about your struggle with CPTSD.

Hey Globetrotter - Wish there was a plan and that it involved going faster too    I just read something (I must learn to bookmark these gems - will see if I can find it) that CPTSD requires a lot of energy and going slow is highly recommended and maybe even necessary as we dig into all that "residual goo" from childhood.  The article talked about getting a lot of rest and destressing wherever possible. According to Walker (and the clinical articles I've read) it seems that a lot of recovering from CPTSD involves integrating the developmentally arrested parts of our psyche and it's a process that takes time.  Personally I'd like to crack open the vault and let the goo flow where it may, but maybe that would be too much emotionally speaking.  He lists a number of developmental arrests in CPTSD in his book (p. 22) and it's not short:

Self-acceptance
Clear sense of identity
Self-compassion
Self-protection
Capacity to develop comfort from relationships
Ability to relax
Capacity for self-expression
Self-esteem
Self-confidence

Ticks to all for me  - grrrrrrr!

That's great that you've order the book AnneGirl.  It's so comprehensive and compassionate, and really it's the only one available right now that's written for us, the rest are for therapists and researchers. 

I added Walker's description of the symptoms of CPTSD in my first post in this thread so that we will have less clinical terms to use when we talk about our experiences.   

For anyone that missed it here is Walker's web site:http://www.pete-walker.com/

Hi AnneGirl - It's really difficult when you don't have your partner's support.  I attend a face to face support group so that I can talk openly with real live people about what I'm experiencing.  No-one there tells me to just get over it as they get it. 

Is there maybe a group in your area you could attend? - I don't know if you're in or near a city centre but it's something to think about and maybe look into.  Being a member of these online forums is a big step out of isolation, building in some face-to-face support is another. It helps us to keep going when we have support and encouragement. That feeling you're having of wanting to talk to other people is an important one, don't push it down.  That's the part of you that needs and deserves attention speaking to you.

[Relational psychotherapy]

Sorry AnneGirl - here's an explanation about the two types of therapy I mentioned:

Relational psychotherapy - By facilitating a safe and positive relationship in the security of the therapeutic environment, the client is armed with a stronger sense of self and confidence. The primary goal of this technique is to empower the client with the skills necessary to recognize and create productive and healthy relationships. The therapist strives to address any and all past and present relationship traumas or impressions that have served to create discord in the present life circumstances of the client.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events.  The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change. When people are in distress, their perspective is often inaccurate and their thoughts may be unrealistic. CBT helps people identify their distressing thoughts and evaluate how realistic the thoughts are. Then they learn to change their distorted thinking. When they think more realistically, they feel better. In contrast to other forms of psychotherapy, cognitive therapy is usually more focused on the present, more time-limited, and more problem-solving oriented.

So early this year I tanked.  I was drinking all day (never drank before mainly because my F was an alcoholic), depressed (that I was used to but this time it was bad) and having huge panic attacks (never had them that bad before). I had been quite independent, responsible and all of a sudden I couldn't get out of bed some days.  I had to reach out for help. 

Looking back I realize a part of me said "That's it, stop the facade and get well already!" My H was able to come home a month early (he was finishing up his last posting with the military on the other side of the country - a BIG reason I lost my bearings), I stopped drinking the day he arrived -- cold turkey (very bad idea - there is medical help to do it without risk of seizures and the like) and off we went to my GP. I told her all that was going on and what a humbling experience that was for someone who rarely asked for any help from anyone.

Long story short after a few false tries getting on the right medication I ended up on Celexa which has done wonders.  I spent two decades on Prozac and within a few weeks of starting this med I began to feel comfortable in my skin for the first time ever.  I'm not drinking (didn't really enjoy it - just wanted to be numb and blot out the fear), I don't have panic attacks any more, and I'm reaching out/opening up  as much as I can to others - on this forum and two others, in a support group for mood disorders and with an addictions counsellor.  I have Social Anxiety as a secondary disorder to CPTSD so this last bit is amazing.  I was very isolating and insular except with my H although I did not appear this way to most people.

An way, it all really helps and I wish I had reached out in earnest years ago.  Part of the problem was that I did not have names for any of what I was  experiencing and in fact struggled to believe that I had been abused because my parents were not physically or sexually abusive. And, I just plain did not want anyone to know what lay beneath the facade I had constructed to get by IRL.   

The one big piece that is still missing for me is dealing with my CPTSD both through therapy and by coming here.  I understand now that there is a lot of trauma I have not acknowledged and worked through, and that it fuels anxiety and depression left untreated. Walker's approach of working on both the cognitive or thinking aspects through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and the emotional or feeling aspects through Relational Therapy seem like the right path out of the storm for me.