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That's absolutely wonderful to hear Rrecovery!    and  and   

Thanks for the feedback/info, I will give some thought to Kanna.  Where we moved to is quite cutting edge in terms of psychoactive meds/herbs so I may actually be able to find a GP or T who I can talk about this with.  Anything I can do to encourage those positive, life affirming (thriving versus surviving) parts of my brain/self is worth considering.

Those all sound really soothing FloatBoat 

Sorry to hear you're waking up to that Coralreef.    I had much the same experience about a year ago over a period of about 8 months. I would wake up drenched in sweat and having an EF unrelated to anything I'd been dreaming.  until very recently I also felt a lot of depression when just waking up or falling asleep like you FloatBoat.  Perhaps it's because when we are asleep or in that twilight state between sleep and wakefulness our walls are down to some extent and the trauma seeps through. 

I'm not experiencing either any more and I think that what worked for me is finally letting myself feel the fear, anger, and grief more consciously (in small doses),  and in doing so the trauma is surfacing, being processed and defueled little by little.  Pete Walker talks quite a bit about the IC letting you know they need to be heard in his book, and when you look at it that way and start listening and feeling compassionate it does feel like the IC doesn't need to struggle as much or shout as loud or at least it did in my case.

Also, learning to self-soothe and validate/accept my feelings rather than push them away helped - took a while to get the hang of but coming here and hearing how others were doing so for themselves made a big difference.

I hope your nights become calmer 

[Note:]

Note:  Articles moved to "Information about Emotional Abuse" at http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2567.0

The PD thing explains so much doesn't it?  And it validates for me that there really is a lot to be cranky (read angry and sad and depressed) about.

I do like CBT for noticing the positive things in my life I never had the time or energy to see before, and for rethinking some of my thinking/feeling that may be distorted because of the trauma, but at the same time I don't want to slip into denial that things are all good. Thankfully my IC continues to point that out no matter how much I try to ignore her.     

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS FloatBoat    It can be difficult to talk about our CPTSD with others who either don't know a lot about it or whom we don't want to burden.  Here that problem goes away and hopefully you won't feel quite so lost by coming here.

Glad you made your way here

Part 2 of the original thread "Today I feel ....."

Hi Rrecovery - just thought I'd post to see how using a bit of Kanna daily is going?  Is it allowing you to look at the trauma from your past more openly/clearly/compassionately? I was interested in MDMA and/or weed for that reasons but MDMA is illegal and when I tried pot I really disliked the head high it gave me (even on milder types).

Do you know if it can be used in conjunction with an SSRI?  I was prescribed a new one last year (Celexa) and it has made quite a difference although as I mentioned in another thread I only have glimpses of the higher end of positive feelings - moments of joy, abandon ....

Anyway, I'm so glad you found something that works for you 

    Good for you Boats!     and   

Hi Linda and a warm welcome to OOTS.  I think you'll find that they is a whole community of people here you can relate to and lots of good information, support and encouragement. 

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS M     I know that the journey to recovery seems to stretch out forever, but when I read your post I was impressed with how far you've already come  

I do hope you will find some companionship, support and encouragement here at OOTS for the rest of your journey 

Sorry Trace, I didn't read closely enough but I see that's what you described and I do know what you mean now.  That's great that whatever it is or represents, it's comforting      For a while there a few months ago I would see this gray, cold, barren landscape when I woke up or fell asleep and it was really depressing and bleak, scared me actually.  I don't seem to be getting that anymore thankfully.   

I know, isn't that story funny - I still laugh when I see her in my head zipping off with nary a limp in her step.

Tks for your thoughts about being cranky BeHealthy.     I was thinking that whole business of shutting out the negative bits and it's one of my criticisms of CBT and other approaches like it.  We can't just change how we feel by changing how we think, but in my effort to recover I have noticed the pendulum has swung the other way (towards trying to find the positives in all things rather than things to fear, be angry or sad about, dread .....).

So there I was doing my CBT and focusing on the positive aspects and my feelings about the negative aspects were still there, clamoring to be heard. And they did not budge, nope, not a bit until I let them surface and validated them. It's like people who tell those of us with CPTSD to just get over it and move on, because what  happened is in the past and it's time to move on, think positive.  Well sorry, we can't until we work through the trauma, that's just the way we human beings are built (or at least that's what I've come to believe and need to remember anyway).

Anyway, in allowing myself to feel that yup, there are some great parts and not so great aspects of moving and my H coming out of retirement, I feel more balanced. And that's how I suspect those who don't suffer from CPTSD tend to feel. That things are not always either all good or bad, but a blend of both. Here's to balance in all things   

Hi Sky

You can just type the words "Trigger Alert" in the subject line of your post or before the section you think might be triggering.  What you wrote about your H wasn't graphic so no worries. We're all here because of some form of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse and we need to talk about it, that's why we're here   

What we do ask is that members refrain from being overly graphic or including detailed descriptions of their abuse. And in cases where they're not sure about something they've written (i.e., if it's too dark or graphic .....), that's when we encourage the use of a "Trigger Warning"  in the subject line of the post or before the section that is of concern.  The Moderation Team watches for this and if something does cross the line in their opinion they will edit the post and let the member know.

With respect to EF's - there is also some good info here and on the Internet about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) if you want to do a search.  It may/may not be relevant but thought I'd point you in that direction at least.   

That's great that it's resolved Trace - a lot of stress and worry for no good reason but at least you found out about not having to call in.

Re dissociation - I don't go to a happy place, I usually go to sleep and for a long time, or I zone out and things get kind of foggy - it depends on the degree of anxiety.  I do know now when it's happening but didn't always. And nowadays I don't dissociate much at all and not for lack of trying!   Sometimes it's good to dissociate (as in a trip to the dentist).

Your blue cloud sounds interesting, especially that it's comforting and not stormy or cold and daunting.