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Messages - Kizzie

#6421
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi! I'm Anamiame
February 09, 2015, 07:58:50 PM
Hi Anamiame - Hi  :wave:, welcome to OOTS   and yes, it most definitely can be overwhelming when you first start coming to the site  :yes:  It's just a lot to take in and process so give yourself the gift of taking things slowly, resting or taking a break when you need to, and letting yourself process things in your own time.  I started to read a new book about trauma the other night, found it was too much and have put it away for now.  I know I will read it when I'm ready. 

Your T hasn't left you and neither will we.  Just take whatever time you need. :hug:
#6422
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello!
February 09, 2015, 07:54:08 PM
You are most welcome to hang around and see if the forum helps you Lunchbar.   :yes:   

I don't have overt tales of horror either and wasn't able to see the abuse for what it was for decades. I too felt like it must be me when all was said and done, but reprimanding, criticizing myself just never worked. I dragged myself up by the boot straps, slapped on a "normal" face and hid my self for most of my life, but inside things never changed.

You write "I have a very loud Super-ego that serves as survival-no-matter-what. It tells me to "just get over my past" and get on with things. And yet, I'm clearly not functioning at all." And therein lies the biggest clue of all.   There is a truth that our self (soul some might call it?) knows and simply will NOT be quiet about until we give it some attention and see what it is trying to tell us. Perhaps your Superego or Inner/Outer Critic an internalized version of your perpetrator(s)?  I'm glad you hear you're willing to at least have a look at that  :applause:

I personally am grateful for the label of CPTSD because it finally gives me an explanation of all that I feel and a direction "out of the storm" as it were. I never had the complete or true picture before now and was basically adrift in that storm.  That said, I am not my CPTSD, I have CPTSD which is an important distinction. I had cancer in 2007 and I remember sitting waiting for my chemo, hair gone and knowing my cancer was defining me simply because of that and I looked up and saw this poster.  It said "I am NOT my cancer, I have cancer."   And it went on to say I am happy, silly, smart    ... I am a mother/father, spouse, musician, ............"   Big moment in my recovery from cancer and now in my recovery from CPTSD. 

Glad to have you on board for however long you choose to stay! 
#6423
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: A Quiet Hello
February 09, 2015, 07:27:03 PM
Hi and a warm welcome Katarina   :hug:   Beginning to remember can be really frightening, we all get that here so you are definitely in good company.  One thing that might help turn down the volume a bit on the fear is to give yourself the gift of time and self-care. By that I mean embrace the idea that it's perfectly OK and probably even the best idea to take things slowly and in your own time as I'm sure your T would agree.  Let yourself rest when you need to, comfort yourself in whatever way makes sense, and congratulate yourself when you take a step however small. 

Seeing a T is a BIG step  :thumbup:   Posting here is also a BIG step  :applause:    so give yourself a hug and savour the idea that you are looking after you  :yes:

#6424
HI C - I just sent you a PM on this as well.

I've added a new forum for the group work with three child boards (sub-forums) underneath so members would have an idea of the stages and what steps are included in each.

I made you the Moderator so you can post, but no-one else has permission to do so right now other than me so we can get our proverbial ducks in a row. How about if you add a post or two in the "Information and Announcements" forum to let members about the idea of working as a group, tell them a bit about the workbook and provide a link to it, and ask members to indicate if they are interested so we know whether to go ahead.  I think we need to give them some time so perhaps set a sign-up end date of a week or two.

Sound OK?   One thing I'm a bit stuck on is whether and how to make it private.  It might be something to ask members if/when a group forms. I can see advantages to both.

OK, must run as heading out. Tks again for getting this rolling  :thumbup:
#6425
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello!
February 08, 2015, 08:30:29 PM
Hi and welcome Lunchbar  :wave:   Ditto what Cat and Bheart wrote - lots of supportive people here if/when you want to post more about yourself  :hug:
#6426
Medication / Re: Gabapentin
February 07, 2015, 10:31:38 PM
Tks Ghost, glad to see you back on the forum by the way  :hug:
#6427
Medication / Re: Gabapentin
February 07, 2015, 07:27:03 PM
Hi Ghost - I am so sorry to hear you went through such a tough time   :hug:   but glad to hear the fog and symptoms are lifting and you're beginning to feel better.  I had not read about the side effects you or Mary describe or about any class action suits but it's good to be aware of this for those who may end up on Gaba. 


#6428
Hi Autumn and welcome to Out of the Storm  :hug:   First let me say how absolutely courageous I think you are for being sharing the trauma you have endured in an open and honest way.  A lot of us with CPTSD developed masks or facades to hide behind and it takes us a lot of time and effort to get out from behind them, but you have done so and that is a big step in recovery so kudos! :applause: 

The other thing that struck me as I read your introduction is that you are prepared to love all the parts of your self which is another huge step in recovery and also takes many of us some time and effort to do.  So, while it may not feel like it right now it sounds like you are on your way to healing.  :yes:

I do hope by coming here you will find more support and encouragement to keep moving forward. Members here "get it"  -  all the symptoms you talked about and probably until recently thought you alone had.  So when you feel comfortable doing so please post here or in any of the other forums that seem most relevant.   :hug:
#6429
LOL, you are too funny GJ!  Nope definitely no yelling or butt kicking or any of that kind of abuse  :hug:  I just want to make sure members' privacy and confidentiality are protected thus the guidelines for journalists and authors. That said, I am all for therapeutic writing!   
#6430
OMG, I see a new career path on the horizon - aps for CPTSD followed by a line of not-so-nice greeting cards perhaps  ;D

I do think nonCPTSDers are more integrated in terms of thinking and feeling, some more some less.  I asked a previous T once whether he thought about his IC and he said he did not really think about it all that much, that his playful, silly self would just engage.  I have felt so cut off from those feelings and have had to work hard to get at them, thinking them away lest I somehow end up feeling shame or looking stupid or silly.

Anyway, his comments about his IC are just one example but a good one I think that stuck with me as a bit of a goal. Sometimes now I catch myself bursting into a silly song for no real reason or cracking a joke and I think "Well now, there she is - finally!"  It feels spontaneous.
#6431
Hi Again C - I had a look at the ACSA forum and how they run it. They group the steps into three levels and anyone can post anything in each level which seems a bit chaotic or unfocused than what I was looking for in a group. I liked the idea of working through a step (or a few steps?) every week or two in more of a linear fashion. 

I reread the steps and they seem straightforward enough (one of those much "easier said than done" things in life I realize lol). It's great that there is a safety checklist and suggestions for working on the steps in therapy as well - very thorough. Anyway, setting up a forum for this is easy enough to do once we figure out what to include and how it will run.  Have you come up with any thoughts?  One thing I think is important to do is to see if anyone is interested in working through the steps as a group.

#6432
General Discussion / Re: Self-Care Tactics
February 05, 2015, 10:46:34 PM
I answered this in the other thread but thought I'd add it here as well.


I see what you mean Milarepa, sorry I didn't get that.  I love the image of getting the kids in their car seats lol.

I do know what you're talking about and I did have terrible EFs when I first went LC and stood up to my M. I did not realize how terrified I was (well at some level I obviously did and that's why it's so hard to get the IC to come out and then when you do it's hard to get them back in their car seats as you say), but those big EFs made it abundantly clear to me that I have very frightened IC on board. It was a shock actually to feel that rather than just read about it. It's no wonder we are reluctant to go back into the trauma, but I do think it's the only way out.

I recall my inner dialogue with my IC during those big EFs was saying over and over again that it would be OK, that the way things were were not good for us and that adult me would get us through this.  I rested as much as I needed to, I told her she was brave and courageous for all that she had been through, that I was there now and I would look after us.  I even bought a giant teddy bear at one point -- it sits across from the bed and smiles at me every night and I love the feeling that it gives me (my IC is delighted with him). When I have a bad day I will snuggle into it and nap or read.

One thing I've written about doing in terms of IC work is enticing my IC to come out and have fun now that I know just how much fear (and now sadness) there is around abandonment and that getting into that would be tricky. So I thought "Well, maybe the fear will subside if I show my IC a good time" and I do think it's done a lot for soothing, reassuring and building trust.  What child doesn't like an adult that spends time with them having fun?  So a Star Trek festival it is lol!  Give them some fun, joy even, it's healing  :yes:

The other thing I tell my IC is that as much as possible I will keep stress away or lowered, that moving away from PD FOO was a gift to us of peace and more normalcy on a daily basis (at long last). That has done wonders for the fear level!  I also talk to my H and now my T about EFs as openly as I can to honour my ICs feelings if that makes sense and that does seem to defuel them.

So there's a bit about what I've done thus far - hope some of it is helpful.  :hug:
#6433
Tks for the link Mila.  I watched the video "Narcissus Meets Buddha: Transforming Narcissistic Relationships"  - It confirned why my NPDM behaves as she does, that her NPD developed because of trauma in her childhood.  I find that makes my own trauma less personal, it was not really about me not being lovable enough, it was about her not being able to love.  Still not great, but better somehow.   
#6434
I am sure there's something at the bottom of this.  It's interesting that you mention that, because even though I don't quite know what it is, I'm afraid of what is at the bottom of this.  As you say, maybe it's my mind being ready to peel another layer of the onion.  Truthfully I'd be content if it didn't, but I guess that's the healing process, eh?

Indeed lol, I am currently in coast mode and quite happy to be there, but there is this niggling, nagging feeling of fear which I suppose signals the next layer is ready to be peeled away - ack.  That's recovery as you say though so onward and upward, EFs be dammed!

Glad to hear you are figuring out what may have triggered your EF - not nearly as scary then :hug: 
#6435
That's great news that the appointment went well and especially to hear that your DD is looking forward to starting a family again - now that is clear evidence that she has worked through the trauma of having a miscarriage and that comes from being open, having support - all the healthy things a family shouild be!   :hug: