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I feel awful. Like I am supposed to live in this familiar place of terror, anxiety, self-hatred and fear.
Its been 2 weeks on non-stop, freaky, scary dreams.
I tried to fight it at first and continue, carry on working, carry on seeing friends. And it just hasn't worked.
Yesterday I felt very dissociated. Today I woke up from the nightmares and couldn't go in to work, i just couldn't.
I've rang my GP and I'm seeing them at 11 today.

I feel so depressed and anxious.

I feel like I've slowly spiralled and now I feel hopeless. What's the point in anything?
Life never seems to get better for too long.
I'm just alone, i feel so alone.
I have no idea what to do with myself until the doctor's appointment. I can't even face brushing my teeth. I can't get up, out of bed. Its all too much. I feel like a huge failire. Utter failure.

My appraisal went so well! My appraiser was so lovely, positive, encouraging and helpful. Gave me so much useful pointers and tips and said my work and feed back were all really positive.
I am so pleased I didn't give up. Now I am free of any further big stressors, at least for a while!

The dreams are back but I feel I will slowly get better at handling them. They're pretty intense right now, taking me back to moments when I didn't have a single person to confide in when i was a child, with the overwhelming, lonely feeling and complete emptiness. I'm taking more time off to look after myself and have been spending lots of time with blankets and my cat, watching my favourite comfort TV.
I've started having a more positive feeling, like a small vibe that things are going to get better, for some reason. It gives me so much hope.

Hi Holidayay,
You articulated really well (in my opinion) - just wanted to say that. 

Glad you've reached some calm again, after all that extreme anxiety you had.

Hope that today is a nice one.

Hope 

Thanks Hope

I went away to x2 sunny islands for 5 days last week. My friend and I just went for it, booked the tickets on a whim a few weeks ago, as they were very cheap.
It was pretty good to get away. The sunshine was amazing, the beaches stunning, and the local wines and food so tasty.
I came home and cried and cried. So many emotions had come up. Thoughts of family, cost of living crisis, feeling burnt out from working in healthcare..I cried for so long. I feel better for it.
After that release, I called the energy company to fix an issue with my latest bills, and completed some other errands that were on my to-do list.

And now, I have my appraisal today, wish me luck. Its a once-yearly requirement, so hopefully if it all goes well, I'm good to go and have nothing else nerve-wracking requiring my attention.

Hopefully all focus can just be on my healing and processing after this.....

I have gone from sadness to extreme anxiety over the last 5 days. The anxiety crept up and built up to a huge level, to the point where I couldn't stop catastrophising, having racing thoughts and being very hard on myself for being a failure. It wouldn't let up until finally earlier this evening! I had a quick chat with an old friend from medical school, went for a walk and then did some cleaning and sat with my friend to watch netflix and finally felt calm again.

Therapy is on hold for another week, last week I did a last-minute shift to make sure I have some income this month, so I couldn't make the appointment, then got into an argument with my therapist when i tried to cancel and next week he is on holiday. Therapy is irritating me these days, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Yes, yes, all part of the process, etc. I'm just irritable.

But at least I now feel calm again. I'm really glad about that. I've found watching youtube vlogs of 'influencers' (the ones that focus on mental halth) can be quite relaxing, its like watching somebody else's normality and chit-chatting about their lives brings an element or ordinary calmness, or something. Not sure, can't articulate myself well tonight.

I am so sad today. Not angry, or depressed, or numb.

Unbelievably sad. I miss my family, i miss my sister, i miss parts of the past.
I just want to go back to the period of 2012-2017. Before everything blew up, before I felt like I had to really face up to everything, and the sham of pretending i had an okish family couldn't hold up any longer.

I cried several times today. I felt the sadness in all my pores.

My sister, who i cared for deeply, who did not show the same care in return and we parted ways, i am sad for her. For all her sadness and that she may feel alone. I know I do. I used to try my best to take care of her. I haven't even seen her in a few years now.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

Its been a very busy few days. I had to complete lots of online modules and update evidence for my online appraisal, and finally got the bulk of it done yesterday. We have to do it once a year and it is just not a very fun experience, lots of tedious paperwork and reflections. After I was done,  I felt like I had used up the very last drop of energy in me, that was pushing back against the burn out that has been rumbling under the surface for the past few years.

I. am. spent.

I am so glad my psychiatry post has now finished. I had nothing else to give. The problem is, now I am so burnt out, when I suddenly stop and have free time, its like where on earth do I even BEGIN, to start replenishing my energy and feeling like myself again? Or feeling like the NEW ME, the one who isn't chronically stressed, depleted, low self esteem, depressed, unsure, full of shame, full of self-doubt...

My sleeps have been filled with dreams of my last consultant. Her passive aggressive ways. The dream was about another doctor who wanted maternity leave, a girl I knew from many years ago who loved to bad mouth others and went on to become a urologist, then to work in pharmaceutical medicine (or so linkedin tells me). The consultant  was frowning down upon this. I spoke up and my consultant got angry with me and went into a silent rage before saying 'that doctor doesn't like you anyway, you know, why are you speaking up' and I replied, 'because whether she likes me or not, its about my belief in the moral value of the situation and without that, with me staying quiet now to save face, sooner or later, it'll be me in the firing line'. She alternated in the dream between storming away and seething at me with words that suggested my references and credibility would be at risk if I continued to stand up against her.

I am so very tired of it. Unsupportive, callous, cold consultants who seem to be on a power trip and use the power yielded by the hierarchy to use me and others underneath them as an emotional punching bag. 'I had it rough so now its MY turn to pass it on and get my vengeance'. I can't bear it.

I feel pretty depressed and forlorn this morning. Hopeless. My dreams feel very far away.

My friend texted me some links to writing courses, though. I love writing. That has always been a constant, since I was 5 years old. It gave me an identity from an early age when all the adults in my life failed me. I want to explore these courses but I am scared....writing is still a sacred, untouched passion. Untouched by the perils of capitalism, or the sting of rejection, or even...the cold, hard reality of life. What if I take it out of its sacred space, into the glare of reality, and it becomes a source of pain and hurt and no longer the one constant salvation in my life? My friends keep urging me to write, even just for myself. Not for anyone else to read, or to utilise as any source of income, but for it just to be for me. My own expression.
I just don't know.
I've lost so many things I once found so sacred, and I can't bear to go through that again.

A girl at work who has been so kind and lovely to me, told me some things that I am not sure what to make of.
I confided in her that I felt some ladies at work seemed to have developed an approach of wanting to undermine me, but I don't know why. For example, a patient's relative bought me flowers to say thank you and my senior consultant just gave this forced smile and walked away, not saying anything, when I told her. On other occasions, she simply ignores me when I talk or message her or takes my suggestions and then puts them forward as her own(!) after refusing to acknowledge the same input I say to her!

The girl who is kind to me responded by saying she hadn't wanted to say anything sooner because she didn't want me to think she was stirring the pot but that basically lots of staff members really like working with me and think I am a kind doctor and that I am 'beautiful' and a 'head-turner' and that the women I felt were undermining me don't like this, and feel competitive and annoyed by this!
Now, as many of you with CPTSD can testify to - self-image is VERY poor when you come from the background I come from, so I was absolutely shocked. I don't relate those positive things about myself at all - both on the physical front and internally. Most days I have horrible thoughts that I look awful, ugly, my features are unattractive, and that I am not as good as other doctors, that I am undeserving, and don't have a good character nor am I deserving of respect so to hear all of this, just stuns me.
She told me in depth that she was so happy when she found out I was to be stationed at her site with her, that she and others can 'just feel' my goodness and that i really care about others, and that other people comment that I am lovely, kind and compassionate. She said she feels I am 'real' and that when she witnessed things the mean girls were doing/saying behind my back to sabotage me, that she became exasperated and when she spoke up, she was told by one of them to 'just leave it!' and stop talking about it. She said the culture amongst those women is that they are all shady and try to make others look bad so they can get ahead and that it gets very toxic.
I liked her from the beginning before I knew any of this, she was always so dedicated to her patients and always willing to help and it makes me so sad for her that she has had to go through this. We chatted for a good two hours and she kept telling me that I make a wonderful doctor and colleague, and that people feel drawn to talk to me because I give off an impression of caring, empathy and understanding and that i am 'the full package' with the character, intelligence and looks.
Then another colleague texted me on a separate occasion to ask if the well-known mean consultant is jealous of my fan following and when I asked her what she meant she said 'it took you so quick to fit in and be liked, people like you and listen to you, its remarkable to see, please carry on being who you are'.

I never heard anything remotely positive growing up so it feels so alien and so kind of them to say. I was starting to feel really triggered, anxious and panicked when the mean ladies were doing their behaviour that I started spiralling into crucifying my character with thoughts of how useless, shameful and stupid I am, that I am an embarrassment that to hear these kind words just made all of it melt away.
Luckily though, its come to the end of my placement in this speciality and now I am moving onto another speciality but not before first having an extended break, which I am very excited about.
I hope this is positive feeling stays for a bit longer, at least...

I woke up from very vivid dreams, yet again. Disturbing dreams involving my family.
I've been ignoring feelings I have which make me angry that I feel them. Last week, I had distinct feelings of missing some of my family, of missing parts of the past. It feels weird and confusing to me but sometimes I miss the version of 'love' and 'home' that i understood it to be back then; not because i like the abuse or want it to continue, but because....as a child, I made a home within what society and the world told me should be my home and family. I found warmth in the little nooks, i felt love for family members as i understood it to be back then and for it all to just be turned upside down and inside out and to not see the same people, or live life the same way....and to just keep realising more and more everyday how NOTHING of what i was taught was 'love' or 'family' is so much to take and a tough pill to swallow. Its so hard to keep re-learning every tiny part of life that was taught so terribly wrong the first time round.
I don't mourn the abuse.
But I mourn the automatic feeling of \normal' when i didn't question everything quite as much. I miss knowing the parameters within which i could try to build my own sense of inner home and i miss some of the little good things,,,like my sisters and eating dinners together, watching movies, going to visit my sister in her home she had bought with her boyfriend and going for walks around the fields....

I didn[t want to face these feelings coming up last week but i really bloody missed those little few moments from my past. The moments of little nooks of home i'd find in library corners, or in my bedroom with a book, or visiting my sister, or always being able to call on my other sister for a chat and a vent/giggle.
I miss the false illusion of home i had to believe in - it was false but it was still an illusion.
I miss familiarity. I miss continuinty.
I'm sick of change, new faces, new homes, new roots to be setting down, new happiness to try to be found.
Its absolutely exhausting.

I hear you, here. I'm glad you are you because you actually seem pretty awesome. But I understand feeling that way and it sucks.

Awww  the last thing I have been feeling is that anyone would think I am pretty awesome, thank you. I kept thinking the whole day I am unworthy and don't have anything to offer and no wonder I am still single, why would anyone want to be with me? I made lots of poor choices.
Seeing your comment made me smile 

I feel so depressed today.
Truthfully, its a day where I don't see the point to life. Everything feels empty and grey and pointless.
I don't even want to feel better. Who cares? It feels like its too late, too much damage done.
I wish I wasn't me.

Well, pest control man came few days ago and set the traps for the squirrels. I haven't heard them make any noise since before he came so I hope this means they've migrated somewhere else for good.

I've noticed stress build up triggers CPTSD symptoms. When stress hits the overwhelm stage, then its like I'm fully back there again. The heavy emotional dreams with all the feelings of shame, fear, abandonment, rejection, confusing chaotic situations I was often put in as a child.
I'm currently going through that now.
I feel so much shame about my life.
That I didn't know better, sooner. About dysregulation, how to cope better, how to choose better, healthier friends and boyfriends are me...how all this always lead to the bigger problems and reinforced the same issues.
Low self worth, shame, dysregulation - that's the emotional diet I lived off and that dictated how I experienced life. With some periods in between of solace and relief.
But how could I know better? It was impossible. It had been everything I had been taught, repeatedly, from the time I was born.
The feelings of regret that I could have altered the trajectory of my life had I known better, sooner, stings so bad. I feel awful thinking about it. I feel ashamed and regretful.
And the chaotic dreams currently reflect that. The past few nights sleep have been absolutely crammed with scenarios and emotions that reflect this. Like my brain finally understands and is blaring out 'MAKE BETTER CHOICES FOR YOURSELF'. I wish I had learnt about it way sooner. WAY sooner.

So many rushed dreams with lots of emotions in them. It is getting increasingly difficult to ride them out - the stress, panic and triggers all being felt because of the dreams, then I wake up with a hangover of all these feelings. I am SO tired. I wish I could have a restful, full sleep.

I have had a few things to sort out recently and i think the I'm overwhelmed and just needing a break. Sorting out moving houses, then the boiler had an issue, and then found out there is a squirrel nest in my attic so had to call pest control and the damn squirrels were so noisy they kept waking me up at all hours of the night. I feel like I just need a BIG BREAK FROM EVERYTHING. I want to just sit back and relax, with no list of to-dos: 'call this or that person to sort out this or that issue, make sure to stay in between so and so hours for the delivery men to come, send emails to sort out another issue etc etc' - I'd like to just kick back and BREATH.

I am increasingly tired. And my mind if whirring and constantly thinking.

It has just not been an easy couple of weeks and I feel worn down by it all.

Its 5am in the morning, and I'm cuddled up in bed with my cat.
Things were very busy the past few weeks. With massive amounts of anxiety, constantly.
I've moved twice. The flat I was living in with my friend was due to undergo renovation, so I moved to a temporary place whilst I found a more long term place. My friend is moving to nearer his university, and i decided to stay in the same area, but in a more desirable part.
I sorted out the last of the unpacking and furniture delivery yesterday.
It has been so stressful. Moving houses is SO much stress, I plan on staying put for a while now.

I've been thinking about the importance of slowing down. For healing, as well as for generally living life a bit healthier, and to feel calmer and more centred. I also deleted the last of my social media accounts. There is something uncomfortable about living in a virtual reality, whilst on a healing path to recovering from a bad distorted reality that CPTSD can make feel so convincing. It feels...twisted and confusing. I feel a big relief...like I am freed.

Next on my agenda is....rest. Lots of it.
Now I am in my own place that is a lovely little flat, I have started enjoying cooking again. I hadn't cooked in 2 months whilst I was at the temporary in-between place. Just eating whatever is fast and convenient and usually, not that healthy. My mood already feels like it is benefiting a bit.
The simple life is incredibly comforting. Yesterday evening, my friend came round and we cooked dinner and watched tv and just chatted. It was SO nice. I am so happy to do things like that, and evenings spent reading, or weekends visiting the countryside.
Back to basics.

Well, this is my second day off in a row.
And I am beginning to feel a teeny bit better.
I also had therapy yesterday, which of course, helps.

I think there are a few positives. I realised this morning I've learnt something - that I can now sense when I have stretched myself too far with work/friends/'doing things' and need to pull back to recharge. It is SO easy to keep soldiering on whilst my body is screaming at me to STOP. When I do that, when I don't listen and don't respect my needs, my dreams amp up to try to alert me. That's what my therapist says about my dreams. That they happen the way they do because its is my inner child trying to alert me and get me to listen.
I've learnt to take a step back when that happens, and get back to myself. Take better care of myself.

I've also seen massive correlations between social media scrolling and bad dreams/bad feelings. I had really gotten into the habit of waking up and immediately scrolling, and any time i wasn't doing anything, or waiting for a bus/train, I automatically turn to my phone for scrolling. So much pictures of supposed bliss and happiness to compare to and feel awful about my own life. So much unnecessary sensory stimuli, constant information leaking into my saddled brain.
I got rid of instagram app yesterday and already feel a little bit better. I don't need to see constant pictures of snapshots of other people's lives, most of whom I don't really speak to.
Its not real. Its a fake world on there. It doesn't serve me at all.

I've got 4 days off now and I will be committing them to looking after myself. Everything has all definitely been too much recently.

And thanks everyone who comments sweet messages after my posts 

My nephew wants to meet up this weekend. He said he and his sisters and their mum (my sister, very abusive and unpredictable, i dont speak to her) are coming to my city for a short break. Immediately my heart started pounding and i felt sick. All visits and meet ups that involved my sister in the past ended up in complete chaos. She doesn't plan and make polite requests or organise the details, she just turns up with entitlement and her own idea of what she'll get out of it. She'll be hooking up with weird guys, making calls to buy marijuana, shouting and ranting if the kids make too much noise, money always seems to be an issue - she either doesn't really let anyone know just how she cant afford what she wants or will go on quests to steal/cheat/try to get money out of guys she meets. ZERO consideration or awareness of the kids, anyone else involved. Zero concern for how ANY of her behaviour affects others and this automatic entitlemtn of babysitting and being available fr her whilst she does her unscrupulus activities. Then, in between all that, she is constantly talking about herself, her endless problems and victimhood and repetive boring cringey stories of what she has done that she thinks everyone should find funny ad amusing when its not. If the kids get boredand interrupt her chain of thought of action plan, she turns dark and angry and screams and shouts. Its disgusting. And breaks my heart to see happen to the kids.
I feel sad  that i am saying no to my nephew but his mother is the despicable bully who terrorised and abused me as a child with a significant age gap between us. I get panic and anxirty just thinking of ever seeing her face again. And how quickly she can induce guilt and shame and feeling sorry for her and forgoing all of my needs, emotions, thoughts. its insanity making. I will not be opening myself up to this, new memories of abuse and terror. There is enough for me to recover from. I cannot save my nephew or anyone else for that matter. I need to save myself.