Messages

Well, this is my second day off in a row.
And I am beginning to feel a teeny bit better.
I also had therapy yesterday, which of course, helps.

I think there are a few positives. I realised this morning I've learnt something - that I can now sense when I have stretched myself too far with work/friends/'doing things' and need to pull back to recharge. It is SO easy to keep soldiering on whilst my body is screaming at me to STOP. When I do that, when I don't listen and don't respect my needs, my dreams amp up to try to alert me. That's what my therapist says about my dreams. That they happen the way they do because its is my inner child trying to alert me and get me to listen.
I've learnt to take a step back when that happens, and get back to myself. Take better care of myself.

I've also seen massive correlations between social media scrolling and bad dreams/bad feelings. I had really gotten into the habit of waking up and immediately scrolling, and any time i wasn't doing anything, or waiting for a bus/train, I automatically turn to my phone for scrolling. So much pictures of supposed bliss and happiness to compare to and feel awful about my own life. So much unnecessary sensory stimuli, constant information leaking into my saddled brain.
I got rid of instagram app yesterday and already feel a little bit better. I don't need to see constant pictures of snapshots of other people's lives, most of whom I don't really speak to.
Its not real. Its a fake world on there. It doesn't serve me at all.

I've got 4 days off now and I will be committing them to looking after myself. Everything has all definitely been too much recently.

And thanks everyone who comments sweet messages after my posts 

My nephew wants to meet up this weekend. He said he and his sisters and their mum (my sister, very abusive and unpredictable, i dont speak to her) are coming to my city for a short break. Immediately my heart started pounding and i felt sick. All visits and meet ups that involved my sister in the past ended up in complete chaos. She doesn't plan and make polite requests or organise the details, she just turns up with entitlement and her own idea of what she'll get out of it. She'll be hooking up with weird guys, making calls to buy marijuana, shouting and ranting if the kids make too much noise, money always seems to be an issue - she either doesn't really let anyone know just how she cant afford what she wants or will go on quests to steal/cheat/try to get money out of guys she meets. ZERO consideration or awareness of the kids, anyone else involved. Zero concern for how ANY of her behaviour affects others and this automatic entitlemtn of babysitting and being available fr her whilst she does her unscrupulus activities. Then, in between all that, she is constantly talking about herself, her endless problems and victimhood and repetive boring cringey stories of what she has done that she thinks everyone should find funny ad amusing when its not. If the kids get boredand interrupt her chain of thought of action plan, she turns dark and angry and screams and shouts. Its disgusting. And breaks my heart to see happen to the kids.
I feel sad  that i am saying no to my nephew but his mother is the despicable bully who terrorised and abused me as a child with a significant age gap between us. I get panic and anxirty just thinking of ever seeing her face again. And how quickly she can induce guilt and shame and feeling sorry for her and forgoing all of my needs, emotions, thoughts. its insanity making. I will not be opening myself up to this, new memories of abuse and terror. There is enough for me to recover from. I cannot save my nephew or anyone else for that matter. I need to save myself.

I think I am now metabolising more of the scarier, deeper things. Its terrifying.
I keep having dreams where scenarios are set up to reignite the worst feellings I had as a child - the earliest feelings. Of being terrified, abandoned, constantly scared of the next verbal attack and shaming, rejection.
My siblings keep popping up in my mind.
Its like they were the junior dictators in the house.
Bullies waiting at home. They were even more scary than my mum. They lacked the inhibition and filters that can come with age. They were cruel and mocking, and so unpredictable when they would flip and launch into anger - either physically, or with threats and nasty name calling. Then they would retale the stories of what they said and did and laugh, over and over and over again. My sister delighted in doing this, or witnessing it and then constantly retelling what she saw and laughing over and over again. She was so vicious.
My dreams were filled with scenarios that copied this. A guy from work taking pictures of me to send to people to highlight how truly ugly and disgusting i was, and i felt the worst of the worst feelings that just seem to scream: WHEN WILL YOU GET IT, YOU ARE UNWORTHY as though...I am not even really human, and deserving of life and dignity.

So much of this is so hard to put words to. When it happens from before i could even speak, its just a feeling, the terrified swirling pit in my stomach and the pounding in the back of my head like I am about to be crushed. Its so exhausting.
I wish I could heal out of this, and not fear this precedent - this underlying constant fear of being rejected and mocked and discovered to be the truly unworthy, unloveable creature they made me feel i am.

My anxiety is through the roof.
I can't sleep, thoughts are just racing around and around and around.
Its been a terrible past week.
I've gone from lots of shame, anger, depression, helplessness and right back to the harsh inner critic which has been particularly harsh.
My head feels like its constantly pounding.
I wish I could get a good night's rest.

Why do I keep having these big dips? My therapist and everything i've read online say its normal, part of the journey. I feel like I'm just on a constant rollercoaster of instability.
It seems to never end. I am so incredibly tired. And I feel embarrassed this is my life still, a 33 years old.

Now I have to brace myself to go to work and its the last thing I feel like doing...

My head feels so heavy this morning. I had what felt like very busy dreams, filled with emotional spikes and i woke up feel...hypervigilant and adrenalised. My cat was dragging her food bowl around and making lots of noise and i couldn't orientate myself, and got freaked out what the noise might be.
I'm so exhausted this morning and my head is painful all the way around.
Themes kept coming up of minimising myself. How I should and have always tried to take up as little room as possible, say little, don't take up offers that are sweet or helpful so as not to hassle anyone, and always opt for the choice that is least troublesome for others  when asked what I'd like to do. I absolutely had to do that at home, with my family. They would explicitly say so; they would shout, hiss, threaten, demean, insult and mock me if i needed anything that would 'put them out' and dared to express it - and it was just the BARE MINIMUM. They just didn't want to.
Trying to work on this is terrifying. I've had more help in the past few years than ever before, and I'm still adjusting to the confusion and uncertainty of it....is it ok? Are these people who are helping me SURE that they are okay with it - will they be talking about me behind my back, calling me useless, hapless, acopic, a burden, an emotional mess?

I think this is coming up because it has been the next stage of healing I have been trying to consciously tackle. In the little things, and big things. Little things like speaking up at work and not rushing my words to quickly finish and shut up, or asking questions when i need help in case of trying to just find out on my own. Other things like asking for help with moving house, emotional support. Its so scary. My head hurts just thinking about it. My skin feels aggravated and there's a deep falling feeling in the pit of my stomach. It makes me feel a bit sick and heavy.

I've felt a bit of progress recently. Getting a bit better at emotional regulation. Asking for help. Feeling my feelings - not completely easily and naturally, but...better than before. Less of the huge flooding as soon as I allow myself to feel anything, and then becoming overwhelmed.

I've realised how so much has changed in the last few years. How the quality of my friendships are so much better. The increase in my confidence, though still variable at times. How I have tried, stumbled, fallen MANY times, and picked myself up and continued.

I still feel unsure of my future at times. Many times, in fact. But at least, I feel less scared. Less fearful and scarcity mindset. A little more hopeful. The direction isn't clear, but that doesn't worry me so much anymore.

I've made a lot of mistakes. As well as bold moves and good decisions. I learnt from every one - good or bad. And I'm still learning.
I wonder how it'll all play out.
Will I get what I want from life, beyond being stuck in paralysis/constant striving to heal?

Hi holidayay,

I read everything you wrote here the other day, and just wanted to say that I was glad to hear your new rotation is going well, and that you are enjoying it.  I was also interested to hear about the person called Dr Ramani, and I hope to look up those videos - because I think I might also gain some benefit from watching them.  Thank you for mentioning and sharing your experiences.

Hope 

Thank you for reading, Hope  I hope you find comfort and healing in Dr R's videos, she helped me a lot, especially during my darkest days.

I managed to move out with minimal stress AND started a new rotation - this time in Psychiatry.
Everything ended up getting sorted really rather quickly and better than I expected. I got a call from a consultant who had seen my CV and said he thought I'd be a great fit for his team, and coincidentally, found a room in a house not too far from the hospital where I'll be working. It was a lovely fortuitous turn of events - everything happened on the same day, oddly enough, and then June just seemed to get better and better from there. The job so far is good, the team are nice and welcoming, and the specialty is Old Age Psychiatry so its quite gentle and slow paced, which I think is ideal for me after my rotation on a VERY busy Stroke unit. The consultant (my biggest worry after experiencing toxic ones) is very sweet - seems like the wise and philosophical kind. We had a long chat about psychiatry, and human behaviour, and suffering, and the adage of 'bad, mad or sad'? and his responses were very thought provoking. I'll be placed here for at least 3 months, but at this rate, I'll probably want to stay much longer.

Therapy is still ongoing too. I'm not sure how exactly its happened, but we've reached a new level where...thoughts and feelings come spiralling out about things I've struggled to feel and put words to. In the last session, he said there was a change in that I wasn't dissociating when talking about early life experiences and my core beliefs - that I am worthless and i deserve to be rejected and abandoned and I am not at all good enough - I was crying and when he asked how i felt when i said i realised this is all because of the incessant message i got from my family, constantly, over and over from my earliest memory, I started bawling and the word 'devastated' immediately came to mind whereas before....when he asked this, I'd get annoyed and snap 'obviously it is horrible, but that's what happened and that's how it is and i don't care' and not really feel anything. He dug around a bit and i told him this time, well i remember the process i used to go through with my mum: when she was being horrible and horrendous I would think she is mean and to be avoided and then she would have few moments where she would switch and be nice and want us to feel sorry for her and I would feel so guilty....but in order to feel one of these sentiments for her, I'd have to switch off another part of myself - the part that is hurt deeply and betrayed by the monster side of her and to do that on a whim and suddenly think of her a since, wold be too much so i'd just switch to 'i'm not thinking about this anymore' and opt out, i.e. not caring...i.e. dissociating? He said that was really helpful to understand this and for me to state it, and that it was a very smart decision back then, and now it is about working towards not needing to do 'splitting' and being comfortable in more grey areas. I think I agree, although I don't really do this internal process with people in my life other than ones who show similar abusive behaviour as my mum - so i want to be careful not to take on his words that I should willingly sit in grey areas with EVERYONE - because in my experience, everyone i used to accept who were abusive loved to prey on the empathetic part of me that would accept their horrible behaviour ;'because they're going through this or that, or because they've been through something horrible' etc etc. Splitting isn't useful for healthy relationships but the problem with abusive relationships - you simply cannot apply healthy skills such as communication, empathy, benefit of the doubt, understanding. They bulldoze over you and leave you cowering in their wake. In abusive relationships, you almost HAVE to employ certain traits associated with personality disorders: abrupt ending and STRICT NO CONTACT, gate-keep your empathy and DO NOT apply it to narcissistic types.
As much I like my therapist, he admitted early on he isn't as familiar with narcissistic family structures and he has been reading about it since, so i am scared he doesn't yet understand the nuances of it. I get the impression sometimes he may be suggesting i accept my mum more 'holistically' rather than the conclusion i've reached, which came after MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING and every effort under the sun to try other avenues...it simply doesn't work. I want him to understand the necessaity of this, my mum will swoop in and ruin an entire life if she detects the slightest hint of empathy. And this isn't me 'splitting' - this is what i've seen her do time and time again to my siblings, father, and few friends who all dropped off over time. Sometimes i get annoyed i didn't get a therapist who is nuancd with all this stuff - Dr Ramani's videos on youtube on the other hand, she understands it down to a T, and i love her approach to place the victim's healing as the most important thing. I might mention this to him next time. Sometimes he seems more 'run of the mill' therapis who understands well  healing tactics for healthy relationships, but not the dangers of applying this whole-sale.

Maybe I'll just print this entry off and show him, haha, though i hope he won't get offended.

I listened to a song this morning, that I used to be unable to sit through without crying a few years ago. The chorus in particular used to make me freeze and and the rush of pain it triggered would cause me to question over and over whether I would ever make it out of that despair. It felt like the pain had swallowed me up and the world could never be experienced differently again.

It was when I had first cut off all contact with my family and nothing, no experience, even as mundane as going grocery shopping, could be done in a different way, without them.
I spent most of my time indoors, relying on my boyfriend and friends. I couldn't even go out to the garden without the familiar sights of everyday things triggering  me into how I could never experience those same things again, in the same ways.

'How do I live? How do I breath? When you're not here, I'm suffocating,
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?

When I heard the song today, I sat up and though it retains its powerful vocals in its own right, it just didn't have the same paralysing effect as it did back then. There were no trauma memories evoked, no relating to the lyrics in a heart-wrenching way, relating to the heartbreaking rhetorical questions posed in the chorus, about separation, loss, abandonement.

I suppose I wanted to come write this here because i never would have believed it back then. My mind and emotions seemed intent on urging me my whole life was over, there was no love or happiness to be found anywhere and no progress to be made beyond the painful conclusions back then.
But it wasn't true. The excruciating weight of that pain did lift. It doesn't strangle me anymore.

Healing isn't perfect. It'll never be linear. My entries since 2019 show the up and down nature of it. But, what hearing the song this morning showed me up, overall, the trend is upwards. The waves of pain related to separate trauma DOES lift, it CAN be resolved.
And now the pain associated with this song is just another memory in a past chapter of the healing journey.

Sending some love and acceptance your way. It is huge to move especially with what you've been through and ptsd to boot. It's scary and unsettling. Flashbacks suck. Sorry you are going through that.

Thank you. I've tentatively enlisted the help of some friends. Spoke about my spiralling symptoms and fears and told a few friends of what change and stress does to me. The morning was awful and scary with lots of flashbacks and waking up in a panic. Listened to a podcast which was incredibly soothing - gave me enough calm to tidy up my room and make my bed a comfy and safe spot, and tackled some of the admin tasks I've been putting off. Had a nice afternoon eating a takeaway with my friend and watching netflix.
I'm nervous about the rollercoaster ahead and know its gonna be bigger dips than the usual....its nerve-wracking, like constantly riding out a huge wave and just as the calm settles, another one brews. I really, really hope this change is going to be OK. My friend who wants to move with me wants the same thing as me: a base for the next 5-10 years and one which we can make a really home. With a garden and a bathtub and a cosy living room with lots of plants. I wish I could just have this one thing fully sorted and not always up in the air every year - the safety base. A safe haven that is more permanent. If there is a god, pleeeeease help make this happen.

We have to move out in a few weeks. The flat is up for renovation.
Moving, again.
The stress is causing me to go downhill again.
I'm waking up every day in a jolt of panic and a rush of thoughts that seem unstoppable. Its early morning now and I've woken up extremely stressed again, my heart is pounding and my stomach queasy and my head feels heavy. I can't think straight at all.
2 days, the loops of flashbacks started up again -  moments from the past where I felt scared, ungrounded, anxious, depressed.
It is so hard to stay centred during all this or to have a break from it where I can actually switch off from it. 
I keep trying not to think about it - the enormity of it really scares me - but my childhood and the way my mum was are so terrifying. I was so alone, for so long, and the lack of support and care was so scary.
Its scaring me to think of now. Its too big and unfixable.

Thanks for the lovely sentiments all!

I came back from Switzerland yesterday. Had a pretty refreshing break there visiting my friend. It is so scenic there, and the lake so beautifully clear! And great timing too, it was 33 degrees and a party put on by the lake at night.
I still had my nightmares and sleep disturbances and some dissociation/difficult emotions whilst I was there but I decided just to take it onboard, that its a part of me for however long and not let it stop me. It wasn't easy at times, I did need some quiet time and extra naps throughout the day but my friend is understanding and she was working anyway so I had lots of breathing space thankfully.
I also had a little holiday fling, haha. I mean...hearing men speak French is pretty appealing  I spoke to a few guys on a dating app and one of them came to visit the city I was in and we spent 7 hours walking, sight-seeing, eating and chatting a lot. Sometimes a girl just needs a fun date! I went to visit him at his city the next day and it was pretty good for my healing, to be honest. The last guy i really dated was nearly 2 years ago who was grumpy, constantly giving me the silent treatment whenever i didn't succumb, and also sullen, sulky and liked to put me down. An experience like that during recovery really can put us back, I found myself constantly surprised during these 2 days when I could say whatever I thought/felt, he didn't get angry or punitive, and he was just....well, normal (though of course, what is normal? non-abusive, in this case).
Anyway, I'm back home now and getting ready for another date this evening. I met a guy last week and he asked to meet when I returned from Switzerland so...well, why not. We're going for a walk and a bite to eat.

I'll also need to move out within the next month, our flat is up for renovation this summer. I'm trying not to get too stressed and anxious and go down the rabbithole of catastrophising - where will i live?? What if I can't afford it? Or I have horrible new housemates?? I can't afford my own place yet, so I am nervous about potential new housemates...I started looking yesterday on a site where people offering rooms provide descriptions of themselves/the kind of person they're looking to share with, and there were some good sounding profiles on there so, fingers crossed.
I hate change. It brings up....so much. I hope I can stay calm and navigate this next chapter with some ease, at least.

And I'm back to seeing my therapist this friday. He was off last week so its been 2 weeks since our last session. I'm a bit nervous, not really sure how it might go after the last few sessions and my previous outburst. But, I'm quite proud of myself - he set me the goal of not emailing him to cancel when i felt the urges come up (I've done that a few times in the past) - and I didn't! I mean, mostly i was preoccupied with other things so i didn't have time to sit and stew and come up with outlandish reasons to DEFINITELY NOT TRUTST HIM or go near therapy, so that has helped, lol. But I also did just sit with the feelings/thoughts if i did start ruminating and they weren't so strong as to urge me to ghost him. Is that....progress? I hope so.

I'm gonna go and get ready now. I'm a little bit nervous, my self esteem is always a bit skewed before a date - I don't feel like I was all that interesting or attractive last week when I met this guy, so I'm a bit unsure why he wanted to go on another date, but i'm trying to remind myself its likely just my inner critic talking, he wouldn't have asked me if he wasn't interested. Arghhhh, why can't i be more healed. Just a little bit more, haha.

Anyway - I hope everyone is having a lovely week so far - and thanks for the birthday wishes from last week! 

Anyone else's healing journey going up and down very rapidly?!

I did go back to therapy on Friday. And I was glad I did. We talked a bit about the things that had happened when I was triggered, and I was pretty honest about it. I said I had initially felt upset with how he dealt with it, and that I would have done things differently if it had been my patient and taken heed of what they say triggers them and that he never even called me back - i told him I thought maybe him being male, meant a slightly different level of care and innate understanding. But then I also said I had reflected on what Armee said here about both parties needing to take grace and accountability in the therapeutic relationship and that I hadn't acted very well towards him either, and had been very angry and abrupt in my emails to end therapy. We also spoke about the other things that had happened this week and that I feel like I'm plateauing with progress and that it feels like its never going to get any better, and I am so lost and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
By the end of it, I felt quite reassured and safe again. He was very kind and reassured me that feeling lost is normal for the journey as it all unravels, and that it is important to keep going. He said some really kind things which made me cry too. It felt like it was more like the old dynamic again, before the eruption or rupture. He also set me a challenge to try not to contact him when i feel the urge to end the therapy, and instead bring it to the room to be discussed. He is away next week so I'm a bit nervous about not having the regular slot, but maybe it will be good for me. Who knows.

On the bright side, I went to this adorable rustic little restaurant for my birthday yesterday, with some of my friends. It was soooo lovely, I actually felt - for the 4 hours that we were there - so much warmth and connection and that life made sense again. No anxiety, no queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, or abject loneliness. It was just full of laughter and I have to say, I have some pretty amazing friends who are so kind, empathetic and really talented - it was so great to listen to their stories of their individual work and skills and opinions and experiences. I felt quite a lot of gratitutde in that moment. Maybe I should do more of  gratitude list more frequently - supposedly it helps.

Anyway. Today is rainy and a bit cold and I woke up to big anxiety and shame. Sooo, it was back to the low point. I made the mistake of staying in bed to avoid dealing with it all and now I feel worse. I just can't be bothered. My dreams were so intense. I dreamt my therapist was with his partner who was a male and i was a child/teenager in the dream who was acting out, and they were youth workers helping troubled youngsters. I was very sassy and had a big attitude and did it purposely to get attention in the dream, and then my therapist found out his partner was cheating on him because he couldn't cope with supporting him through his dad'd death and I said to him 'your partner can't cope with your pain, that's why he has betrayed you'. Haha. What crazy storylines.
Apparently dream narratives represent different parts of us/our needs coming up as different characters and stories - i guess it isn't a huge stretch to allocate what needs/parts of me this dream and the characters represent. Still, I'd rather not have such intense dreams. Anyone else feel like you've been run over by a truck when waking up from one of these types of heavy emotion-laden dream??

Also - I decided to go away next week. My friend in Switzerland invited me over so I got on my 'just do it' attitude and booked my flights. It'll be my first time travelling in 4 years soooo I'm excited (+ a bit nervous!). i hope it'll be the break to my routine that I need, and that I might get some new fresh energy and mojo whilst I am out there. Tired of feeling down and out, exhausted, bored and disillusioned with life here and that 'daily grind, monotony' feeling weighing me down.

Its early morning on my birthday. I feel sick. I've got therapy today. And then my friends are coming tomorrow to celebrate. I want to hide from it all.

I wish I could switch off all the fear and anxiety swirling in my stomach. The thoughts and memories and shame are a LOT today.
I keep remembering the ages of 18-20. Those years were some of the most challenging of my life.
Leaving home, moving to London, without any clue about life there.
London is brutal for the disenfranchised, or for anyone struggling. It is cold, unyielding, harsh, demanding, unforgiving. At least, that was my experience. The pace and pressure tipped me over the edge. I couldn't wait to leave.
I've been back here for the past year and thought I had developed a different relationship with the city, that all the associated feelings from my first experience were now over. Its all coming back to me this morning.

I don't have much strength to face it all right now,

And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

I hope it goes well for you!  Mine is Monday.

Happy birthday month to us!