Messages

arpy1, your story of your "screaming sobbing woman" really resonated for me.  I have had a "ssw" inside of me, too, for my whole life.  The thought of actually "giving in" and trying to grieve out all that pain was just too frightening.  I thought I would never be able to handle so much pain, or reach the end of it ever.

But I found a therapist who gently encouraged me to let the tears out.  He did not find my pain repulsive, and that helped with the fear.  I began to find that a period of out-and-out sobbing and wailing could bring me some peace, more peace than self-distraction ever had.  And though I don't think I will ever reach "the end of it", of the grief, I feel much better.  Grieving has definitely improved my quality of life.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."   --Rumi

Tiggerd2,  dealing with both your medical situation and that family situation sounds mighty difficult!  Your mother sounds, well, no comment.   

A cab for transportation is a good idea. 

Being a patient in a medical situation can sometimes feel like a frightening loss of power over one's own self.  I would think that the presence of parents like ours would just intensify that feeling in our minds.

Maybe you could put your nurse self in charge and have her ensure that there are no impediments to you being cared for properly?  Well, actually, you already have her in charge, getting a cab, etc. !    Nurses are smart, well-educated, and creative. 

For me, dealing alone with ovarian cancer, compared to dealing with my FOO and CPTSD my whole life, was a piece of cake. 

Still, there are many challenges involved.  Please remember that that you deserve to be well cared-for and comfortable.  Good luck with all this!   

In most places, I think, there are people who provide care in your home, that come and go on a daily basis, providing personal attention.  I believe they are usually called caregivers.   I guess they'd be found normally working for the elderly isolated and the handicapped isolated, and also hospice end-of-life care.  Sometimes they are sent out by organizations.  Sort of like Visiting Nurses, but on a lower skill level, and often only earning minimum wage, if even that.  Yes, usually paid for by Medicare/etc, but I wonder if they could provide some basic services for you in return for a small payment from you.  Because they usually have a low level of income, they might be interested in making a special arrangement with you.

Forgive me if I am just making this worse for you!  Just ignore this if necessary.

Your description of your isolation sounds quite similar to mine.  My ovarian cancer was very difficult to manage all by myself, so you have my complete sympathy!  Please feel free to PM me if it would help at all to have a sounding board.

Thinking of you.

Thank you for your very touching reply, tiggerd2.  Tears in my eyes, really.
What a sweet soul you have.   

Tiggerd2, is there any way you could spend those two weeks in some sort of assisted living facility?  I believe they are also called nursing homes or facilities.

I sympathize with your situation.  I am NC with all my family and quite isolated from other people due to years of emotional chaos.  So I have been faced several times with dealing with serious medical issues without any support other than medical personnel.  And, yes, it can be complicated.  Is there a medical professional you could discuss this situation with?  I would think they would deal with this kind of thing all the time.

All the best to you as you deal with such a triggering situation.   

Welcome, whatissafety.  You have survived so much abuse, and none of it was your fault.  It is so hard to wake up to the truth that people who were supposed to love and protect you actually did just the opposite.  Coping through all the pain and fear, it takes so much energy and so much courage.  You are very courageously trying to protect your children.

We are people like you, trying to cope with the effects of long-term abuse.  This site is meant to be a safe place for us to share support and information with each other. 

You deserve safety.  You deserve freedom from pain and fear.  I hope you will find a bit of safety here on this site.  Big hugs to you.   

Yes, tiggard2, your nurse self will help you and hold you and guide you.  Her wisdom and compassion will surround you and protect you.

And this will be your safe place.          

Woodsgnome, that is quite a journey you survived.   Lots of hideous events.  Lost of being lost and all alone when you were so young.  Appearing odd to others, that is something I can really relate to.  Also to being so trapped in the dark that all decisions are made in great ignorance.

Hugs to you as you work to emerge from this history and reclaim the IC.   

Yes, serkinglight, you made contact!  Welcome to OutOfTheStorm.  Feel free to send another message whenever it feels comfortable for you.   

Dear Scattered, welcome!  I am so glad you found this site.  The sad story of your childhood makes it clear that you belong here.  Emotional abuse, even without physical or sexual abuse, can still be extremely damaging to a child who is quite helpless in the situation.  You are NOT selfish or cowardly!  You did not deserve all that emotional abuse in your childhood.

The abuse from your mother reminds me of what my own mother did to me -- lots of blame for situations that a little child had no control over.  I was her designated scapegoat.  She would get mad if she just saw me being happy.  If she wasn't happy, then I didn't deserve to be either.  And she did a really good job of eliminating all happiness for me.  People outside the family thought she was a sweet person, but she was a different person when she was alone with me.

I believe my mother's emotional abuse damaged me even more than my father's sexual abuse.

So I want to say to you that you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved and respected and comforted.  You deserve love and kindness and tenderness and safety. 

Please make yourself at home here on the site.  Many of us find Pete Walker's book "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving" to be a warm and compassionate explanation of the roots and consequences of cptsd.  He shows that what we need most is to learn to love ourselves.  This really resonates for me as I am coming to realize just how little I even know about love, thanks to my abusive upbringing.

Big hugs to you   

I have two German Shepherd Dogs who love me unconditionally.  My best and only friends are my dogs.

Me, too!  My best and only friends are my beagle and my schnauzer-ish mutt.  They are such great companions.

I am another person who was completely isolated and came to this site looking for a place to belong.  And I am so glad you are here!  There are lots of us here with major trust issues and major problems with nightmares and getting any sleep at all.  Like the rest of us, you belong here.  And like the rest of us, you deserve peace and safety and respect and support and love.

Big hugs           

Yes, you have found your tribe, Kellyd.  Welcome to the site!  I am so glad you found us.  We all have complex trauma like you.  This site is meant as a safe place for people like us to talk about the truth of our stories and to support each other as we deal with the world.

I also deal with overwhelming shame for being so horribly victimized and then seemingly stuck with the trauma of it all.  Here we remind each other that these things were not our fault.  I like Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving" because of its warm and compassionate discussion of cptsd by someone who has it himself.

Please make yourself at home here.  You do not deserve that shame you still feel!  You deserve respect and support, and you will find that here.  Big hugs         

Dear IFeelSoAlone, you are so welcome here!  I am so glad you found this site!  We are a group of people just like you, here together to support each other in dealing with cptsd.  Childhood trauma of any sort can affect a person's life so dramatically, as shown by your own story.  I am so sorry you had to endure all that!

You do belong here.  A lot of people here are dealing with the continuing trauma of flashbacks.  They are awful, I know.  My own childhood was full of sexual abuse by my father and severe emotional abuse by my mother, along with isolation from the rest of the world as we moved so often.  The worst memories were hidden from my consciousness until my late-30s and then erupted in years of flashbacks.

Please read around the site according to what interests you.  As a frame of reference, we recommend Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving," and I myself recommend it as a warm and compassionate discussion of the many facts of cptsd.

Big hugs            You deserve lots of attention, and love and respect and comfort and safety!

I am relieved that you don't blame me for all of that never quite working out;

You don't deserve any blame at all for any of these difficulties!!  You deserve applause!     You deserve hugs!   You are doing an amazing job dealing with an incredibly challenging condition.

I did my best but with a few shining exceptions as you say, the responses are very often to offer what happens to be around, rather than what I need. Rather like a kidney patient who needs dialysis being offered a stent in their heart instead, because there is no dialysis in the area and nobody will pay for out of area treatment. Somehow in mental health that is regarded as a viable option; Lord knows why.

You are so right about this, your example is just perfect.  The ignorance out there about our conditions is just crazy-making.  It's like trying to walk through a mine field sometimes.

The really worrying part of it for me is that this all replicates the neglect from my family. I worry in case I am somehow causing it by being here. But that way madness lies so I try not to think about it.

I look after my daughter, I paint pictures and dream of going professional with them at some point, and I try to be happy with what I have. It could be a lot worse.

You deserve love and respect and safety and comfort.  It sounds to me that you are making heroic journey toward these things.

(One of my own self-soothing mottoes is "It could be so much worse."  And then I go hug my dogs and my trees.)

Cuthberta, your long tale of seeking help speaks to your perseverance and to your pain.

I have a long history of this also.  I mostly find it too dreadful to talk about.  But here and there through the decades of struggling to find help there has been an occasionally bright light of real knowledge and understanding.  A doctor or therapist has really been able to understand me, to speak to me, to hear me. 

You persevering until you found that doctor in the London hospital sounds like almost a miracle!  What a blessing that you were able to accomplish that!
("I complained to the trust and asked for a second opinion. It took another 4 years or so - maybe longer - to get that second opinion. I was referred to a London hospital for an assessment. . . .In the first session the Dr confirmed CPTSD and also told me I am dissociative, and have very distinct alters. She could see it immediately. It was a huge shock, but it also made sense; lots of things that I had never understood suddenly came together. She saw me many times, and wrote a very thorough report for my GP.")

I hope you are able to accomplish such a connection again, somehow.  Clearly you learned a lot from this doctor, and you seem to have used this as a springboard for reaching out for additional information from elsewhere.

I feel like I just have to keep cobbling together the occasional good experience with a professional along with whatever I can glean from books and different kinds of internet sites.  And right now I am lucky enough to have a phone therapist who is really knowledgeable about people like me.  I found him on the internet.

Wishing you all the best in your search.