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I haven't been on this site for a while so I thought I'd update on the neurofeedback.

I ended up doing 40 sessions.

It was extremely helpful but it still didn't even scratch the surface of my problems.

For the price tag, an anti depressant is just as effective.

I am glad I did it, but the changes have not been that profound.

Hi Dutch uncle.

I wasn't asking how do I pass the test

I asked how do they test you

As in, is it a quenstionnaire you fill out? Or more of an interview with a psychiatrist? Do they make you stand on your head and count to 50? I don't know the process, so I was simply asking the question...not trying to cheat

I appreciate your input anyway.

I've settled down on this subject now. I think my panicked states are anxiety disorder related.

Yep I think we all do this!!

One of the bittersweet parts of healing for me is that up until about a year or so ago, I didn't realise my behaviour was illness related...I thought it was normal. So the more I heal and the more in touch with reality I'm becoming, the more Shame spirals I'm going into over who I used to be, the things I used to say to people and the dysfunctional things I used to do.

i think this is why Pete Walker talks so much about self compassion. Healing sets off the inner critic like crazy for us.

I highly highly recommend the spartan life coach 'manage emotional flashbacks' book and his new course 'how to manage contact with a narcissist'. I know it's stressful and another thing to add on to your list, but if you can find the time to do the exercises daily they really really do work! But you have to be strict, no skipping any days!

I know it's easy for me to say because I'm not in your situation, but the sooner you can get out of the same house as your dad the better. There's only so much healing you can do when you are still in your abusive environment.

i don't know how to ask my therapist for one without feeling silly.

How do they test you?

Were you relieved when you didn't fit the criteria for personality disorder?

It's so hard when you self diagnose. It's like trying to feel your way through the dark. I tick every box for covert narcissism (apart from I didn't think I was purposely trying to manipulate people...but maybe I am), but a few months ago I ticked all the boxes for kidney disease and I didn't have that hahaha.

I don't know if doctor Google is a blessing or a curse

i think I should.

Did you do the test because you felt like you had narc traits?

So I've been trying for the last 10 or so years to get a proper diagnosis and have only ever been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety.

After all the detective work I've done trying to find out what is wrong with me I thought I struck gold with complex ptsd.

I tick all the boxes for covert narcissism though and I'm terrified i actually could be an npd. I thought I hated these people but i really think I could be one.

I've been told that if you worry you could be a narcissist it probably means you're not. I'm not sure I agree though becauase there are plenty of forums where people admit they have npd.

I don't know what is real anymore. I'm at the point now where I even second guess my own feelings. Every time I talk to my t about my family I think 'am I playing the victim, am I making this up, am I doing this for sympathy'. I push potential relationships away because i feel like I'm not good enough and I feel sorry for them that they are with me. Even writing this I'm second guessing, thinking am I just writing this so people tell me I'm not a narc and I can go on living in this denial.

I feel this sense of guilt and shame right now that I am a horrible person. I don't feel myself right now. I feel like a stranger in myself.

i don't know if I'm the problem or my family of origin is the problem. 

I think I'm just venting. I'm scared and lonely and feel very unstable and panicked right now.

the reminder thing actually isn't my idea I'm pretty sure it's in the book or Richard grannon might say it in a video or something. It was definitely his genius not mine anyway!

Yeah the biggest lesson I've learnt in recovery is trying to do everything to soon. It's unfortunately a journey that will take time. I've only ever seen people who want everything right now end up with nothing. Including myself up to this point! Patience is key. One thing at a time, one step at a time.

My life's still no where near where I want it to be, but it's a million times better than it was a year ago. I've grieved my family and made peace with my situation and I'm proud of where I'm at.

The pete walker books are great! a bit confronting though when you realise the sheer amount of things about yourself you need to repair. It took me a year to move past the initial grief of finding out what cptsd was and how much work goes into recovery.

I feel like I've laid down the foundations of stability in this past year and getting my emotional flashbacks under control will be the final layer before I move into making more lasting personality changes.

I've actually come to enjoy therapy and the changes I'm making instead of dwelling on the why me why is it so hard mentality.

The EF book is wonderful. Highly highly recommend doing the work. The only part I'm finding hard is just to remember that efs do exist when I'm busy and distracted. I have to set reminders on my phone for every hour just to take a minute to check in, check how I'm feeling. I've come to notice that most of my EFs are just shame spirals or getting offended by something someone has said.

Hi,

So I've bought the Spartan Life Coach's stopping emotional flashback ebook. I've had it for a few months and like most things I do it's sat there untouched.

I was recently texting a new romantic interest, and I'm really trying to do things differently and not repeat old patterns this time, just to test it out and see how it goes. so I decided to look through some Spartanlifecoach videos and ended up re-watching 'why do all my relationships suck' one where he is talking about emotional flashbacks In the early stages of a new relationship.

While I was texting this guy I noticed that just the tone of his texts would set off the inner critic (eg. He doesn't like u as much as before, you said the wrong thing) etc.

Even if things don't work out with this guy, I want to experiment a little with my reactions and picking up efs as I interact with him etc. all my past relationships and potential relationships have mostly ended the same way, so if this one ends differently I'll know it will be because I've reacted differently.

I've decided to use the ebook for 4 weeks straight and practise at least twice a day as recommended. I guess I just wanted to create a space where I can track my progress, ask for help etc.

Has anyone else here used the book?

So it's a bit of a morbid post...

But the healthier I am getting the more I am fearing my own death. Over the past week I can't stop thinking that my life has no end. I don't know how to stop these thoughts because there is nothing I can do to stop death happening and I'm terrified.

The good news is that the thing that triggered this anxiety is that for the first time since I was about 10 I am actually feeling wonderful. I realised how much I love life and living. But I'm fearful that time is running out. I just don't want life to end because I really want to and love being here.

Has anyone experienced anxiety over this as a result of their recovery?

So I've done my 20 sessions of NF and I can't believe the change in me.vi finished about 2 weeks ago and still feel great. The benefits have been:

- Not dipping into the really deep lows of depression. My mood lifted within the first few sessions and has not dropped since.

- rumination GONE

- my relationship with my parents has improved

- not getting as offended by what people say

- ability to voice my opinion without feeling ashamed or guilty

- a nice but strange effect is that when I visualise my past it seems a lot further away than it used to

- I don't worry as much about having cptsd

I am going to continue to do NF until my brain can not possibly improve any more.

One negative side effect tho...
I'm finding therapy a bit harder because I feel so good at the moment I can't connect with some of the feelings I need to recognise and process in order to be able to move forward and grow, so my talk therapy has stalled a little.

Thanks for reading!

I think the biggest mistake people make is thinking that someone has to be the "same" as them to be able to help them.

I'm also a freeze type, But I love that spartanlifecoach is a fight type because narcissistic or not, fight types get in and get * done and that's the mentality I have to force myself to adopt more of if I want to recover.

Fight is the reason spartanlifecoach has recovered enough to make videos.

Freeze is the reason I'm the one sitting alone in my room watching the videos.

It's a sad reality, but I think the point of recovery is to adopt all elements of coping mechanisms. i wish I could turn some of my anger outward (into fitness or business) instead of inward to self loathing and isolation.

Oh great I'll check out that book!

Another great doco is fat, sick and nearly dead 1 and 2.

Another big key point to remember is that the main feelings connected to emotional eating are emptiness, loneliness and boredom. It's important to identify the feeling and then choose how you respond to that feeling. Easier said than done, trust me I know!

It's an ongoing battle for me. I do great then lapse. As long as you are on the right track 80% of the time I think that's great.

I'm a binge eater in my late 20s.

I think the key is eating clean completely and never eating 'bad' foods again. Bad foods trigger more binges for me, where as healthy food makes me forget about food completely.

If you watch a documentary called hungry for change it gives you tips on using affirmations. I've learnt from the Spartan life coach that using 'I am learning....' Instead of 'I am....' Is much more effective.

Spend 3 months or so repeating these in front of the mirror:

- I am learning that I am deserving and capable of change

- I am learning that discomfort is healthy and comfort is dangerous

- I am learning that every person including myself is deserving of healthy food and healthy habits

- I am learning to accept and love myself as I am today

Good luck!