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Thank you so much for that Kizzie.
I really value your support in this decision and it helps that you can see sense in it. Guilt shouldn't be a reason for going right?

Yes Thank you

  Thank you Dutch Uncle for your support, wise words and thought provoking questions.
And you are right there are still a couple of months without administrative pressure.
In my mind i want to make a decision now for peace of mind and I've pretty much made up my mind now 90% that we won't go.
But I will also probably talk to my T about it closer to the time.

Thank you, i am writing more in that reply but my computer is playing up

Thank you so much Dutch Uncle and Trace,
I appreciate both your insights a lot. Dutch Uncle your questions really made me think and brought a bit more light to me on this matter.

Hi Annegirl, tough spot you are in.

How do you feel about meeting your brothers? How has your contact with them been? Do you look forward to the weddings in themselves, but is the prospect of meeting your parents the issue, or are there separate issues regarding one or both your brothers as well?
On a somewhat separate note: when do you yourself feel you 'need' to make a decision on the matter? You write they will merry next year. That's still a long time ahead. Is it possible to say now: "Thanks for the invitation, I'm considering it, but I can't make a decision now, I'll tell you one month before the actual date." Or something in such vein?

Am I correct in saying that you've had a strained relationship with both your parents and just embarked on a journey to try and bring peace and closure to it? But have no idea if and how this will work out as you only recently re-established a little contact with them?

Maybe I'm making it more complicated but these questions are valid and these answers are what are in my mind stopping my relationship to be better than it is.

To be honest i feel nervous about meeting my twin brother. We haven't seen each other for 6 years and he lives in UK I live in Australia, he is having his wedding in June in New Zealand. Last time i saw him i had just miscarried a late and complicated miscarriage and had spent time in hospital due to needing blood transfusions, I and my children weren't quite ourselves because of all that had happened but i and they enjoyed his visit with his fiancee so much but i didn't realize he found my children too noisy and told my parents he hadn't enjoyed his visit with me. Even though they stayed in a hotel, which i was also hurt by but didn't tell him. I was upset by what he told my parents and even though he spent 6 months in NZ last year he didn't come to visit us in Australia. Since those times we have smoothed things over and ring each other about twice a year

With my youngest brother his wedding is also in NZ but in November and i feel more obliged to be there as i pretty much was a substitute mother for him from when he was 2-12 yrs old. He has begged me the most to be there and i have already told him "I'll see". He is the closest to me and rings me 2-3 times a week and tells me sometimes how much i helped him as a child, walked him to and from school etc cooked for family put him to bed with story, songs. He is very close to his fiancees family now and they are a supportive and close family. To be honest i am not looking forward to either wedding right now.

I don't feel obliged to tell them yet but if we go we need to start organizing passports citizenship and money.

you are right Dutch uncle (my parents are dutch by the way in saying that we have a strained relationship s I'm most nervous about seeing them. They never approved of my own marriage and i payed for the whole thing. My father never wanted to hold my son and my mother didntnt let me in their house so that was the main reason we left. For me its stress playing on my mind i want to make a decision so i can drop it and not think about it anymore. I also am still angry at them.

I don't want to go but i feel i should thats the predicament.

I have been invited to 2 family events next year. My father hasn't met 2 of our children and i haven't  been "home" for 8 years. My father has been offered tickets to fly and visit us but he has refused. I tried to come and visit him with the children when he almost died last year but my mother refused my visit. Now thanks to my T I have contacted my family to bring peace and closure and my father saw the children via Skype. Now 2 of my brothers have planned weddings for next year and invited us begging me to come. I have more peace in not going but then i feel guilty too. What shall I do?, I don't want to go back to that house where i was abused and according to my mother "It was lovely how much i helped around the house" (it didn't even enter her head that I was beaten by her every day she was home and stabbed with a knife in arm etc etc) Even my friend messaged me the other day and said she thought it was bad i was never allowed out to play but always had to be home helping my mother.

yes i know i was physically and emotionally abused. But as an adult i always get separational anxiety when my husband has to go away for a week or a few days on business. This brings me back to the same feelings i felt as a child when I was the last child to be picked up from school and often never picked up so i had to walk the hour walk home. Or from orchestra practice at nights i was 100 percent of the time the last one picked up and would be waiting up to an hour for my father to arrive. I mean its good they gave me an education. And when i had to walk home 1 hour walk from both dentist operations when the form specifically said i wasn't allowed to do exercise for a day after the operations. Which i had to pay for as a teenager.
I feel the same now when my husband leaves as when my mother used to leave for weeks and months at a time and i had to look after the family. I am wondering if these few examples that used to happen often as a child would be classified as neglect and maybe that is why i feel the same panic when i know my husband is going away on business and leaving me to care for the family.?
Would anyone ask their T about this or try to work through something like this with their T or is it not important enough?

Thank you so much for that Kizzie. I have been missing you all too, I am full on homeschooling and trying to stay busy. Things are still up and down but it really helps to be able to come back here and talk to you friends. 

Thank you SO much Kizzie!!!!    <3 I appreciate your reply so much.

THANK YOU so much BeHealthy. 
You made my day!!!!!!!
I thought there would be a lot of controversy, but i am so glad you see it how it is and encouraged me about it.
 

Since my mother emailed me showing me she wanted a relationship with me and telling my cousins they could stay with her but had denied me even going into her house since my son was 2. Which was also partly what I initiated by walking out when my mother shouted at my son at that age which made me afraid she could physically abuse him like she did to me, my T and I spoke for weeks and weeks. I was very upset and showing many signs of stress and guilt etc.
One day my T told me to make a decision and that I was at a crossroads. Either I cut off all contact from my mother, block emails etc (which i have done for up to a year in the past, Cutting off phone etc) or I speak to her and make contact for the sake of closure and finding peace inside me and for my mother's sake. I told my T I didn't have peace in any of those decisions. My T offered a Skype session where my mother would be there if she agreed and I could tell her what I needed to and we could possibly find closure. She told me she wanted me to ask my mother the hard questions, why she came at me with an axe threatening to kill me so I had to hide for about an hour while she was roaming around looking for me with that axe.
This meant I had to email my mother. I did and she didn't answer me, then my T gave me a suggestion how to write it to her (my T worked with me a full 2 days without pay, she was so loving ad dedicated through all this and answered every little detail even when i got angry she answered me lovingly)

This email suggestion was speaking lovingly to my mother saying that "I yearned for a normal mother-daughter relationship." I reacted badly to this and told my T I cannot write this I have never spoken like this to my mother and she will mock me, she has never responded well to me telling her anything vulnerable. My T responded that I can take as many sessions as needed to make my decision, as it sounds like I'm not ready to make a decision yet. I spoke to my siblings and husband and they all said they think its a great idea if we make contact and i can say what we haven't ever said. In the end i thought it would be stupid not to at least try it and by my mother's reaction i could see whether this would be no contact forever or at least find peace to know if she loves or hates me.

So i ended up writing the email to my T's way and suggestion. My mother responded that she'll never be the perfect mother I'm wishing for. But that she has and always will love me. She was also defensive at times and said she will never talk to anyone about anything anymore as in the past she has been hurt a lot, but said if she's the cause of my problems then so be it and it was probably good for me and my family to have moved away.

I was very surprised by my mother's response and I felt much more peace and relief. I cried.
Since then contact is still minimal but I and my children skyped my parents and my father saw the youngest two children for the first time via Skype.

My twin brother cried when i told him what happened over the phone. I started to get very excited and expected it all to be "normal" now but my T kept working with me and told me not to expect anything other than the peace of now knowing.

I recently talked to my T again and she said that it is very beautiful and heartwarming what happened but not to expect anything from my mother. Just the peace of having found closure. My T also told me she will never be tired of talking to me about this stuff and she will always be here for me when i need her.

These poems are all so Beautiful, so deep, touching and inspirational.
Thank you for writing them on here.  <3

  Thank you so much BeHealthy! <3 

Argh!             

So last year my dad had a heart attack and was in ICU my brother went to see him from here in Australia (my parents live in NZ) and we all thought it was the end, my mother told me not to come as she and he couldnt handle me coming even though i was going to stay in a motel with the children. He hasnt met two of them. I havent been there for 8 years.

Now my cousin and his partner who have been living in Australia from Holland are trying to get a residence visa but need to apply offshore in NZ and my Aunt asked my mother if they can stay with her in her precious house and she has said yes!
and its for months.

Yes Bheart
Oh dear SC, this sounds very hard. Moving is very stressful!!!      I wish I could help more only saying we have moved 16 times in 10 years and our kids are doing great, having said that i never ever want to move again though. I hope you will find a good place where your eldest will begin to feel at home again. Im really sorry for you to go through this stress.