Hi, I just learned about c-ptsd and learned it applies to me. My therapist (just started therapy recently, first time I'm giving it a chance) mentioned that and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified as possible labels. I don't like the way labels make me feel, but thinking about and making myself aware of what the tools are for dealing with the symptoms described by these labels is helping, I guess.
I feel really detached, I wonder what's real and what's not real. My brain feels so foggy and even though I know what I need to do at work to be productive and successful, I can't focus on work right now. I haven't been able to for a few weeks. I keep flashing back, keep feeling feelings I haven't felt in many years.
I tried to go to therapy years ago, described my life story and where I had made it by then, and at the end of the session the therapist said, "Well, you're surprisingly well adjusted." And for a while that seemed true - I've been told by some others I'm the quintessential survivor. Adaptable. Strong, and can overcome anything. But I don't feel so well adjusted anymore.
I honestly feel scared, untrusting, anxious all the time. Lost. Completely and utterly lost. I don't know why I come to work except to hold on to a sense of familiarity. But nothing seems familiar right now.
I've been told that there's something called an inner critic and I need to just "shut that fucker up," (not my therapist's advice, mind you), but I can't really hear any other voices right now. I just feel insecure, like I'm failing, and like the only thing that makes me worthy of anything and gives me any value is my work, and I'm failing at that if I'm not concentrating. Ergo I'm worthless.
And it feels like a fault of will, like I should be stronger, should be smarter, should try harder. But on one hand I feel as though I'm trying my best, and on the other I don't know how to measure, how to know whether I'm on the right path or simply mistaking activity for progress.
And somehow, this isn't the conversation I end up having with my therapist - I somehow end up filtering these thoughts and giving the sense that I have more of a solid understanding of how broken this line of thinking is than I do. So why can't I just shut everything up and act accordingly? Why can't I just snap out of it again and act rationally? I just feel like crying, but I don't feel like I have anywhere or anyway to do that right now.
I feel like I'm burdening the world somehow. I don't like this feeling very much, and I'm sure it's not true. People offer me support and praise, but I resent myself for wanting that or needing that in the first place. And I second guess everyone's motives and I don't trust anyone. I don't know how to take a step back, reset expectations, and move past this spot.
I feel really detached, I wonder what's real and what's not real. My brain feels so foggy and even though I know what I need to do at work to be productive and successful, I can't focus on work right now. I haven't been able to for a few weeks. I keep flashing back, keep feeling feelings I haven't felt in many years.
I tried to go to therapy years ago, described my life story and where I had made it by then, and at the end of the session the therapist said, "Well, you're surprisingly well adjusted." And for a while that seemed true - I've been told by some others I'm the quintessential survivor. Adaptable. Strong, and can overcome anything. But I don't feel so well adjusted anymore.
I honestly feel scared, untrusting, anxious all the time. Lost. Completely and utterly lost. I don't know why I come to work except to hold on to a sense of familiarity. But nothing seems familiar right now.
I've been told that there's something called an inner critic and I need to just "shut that fucker up," (not my therapist's advice, mind you), but I can't really hear any other voices right now. I just feel insecure, like I'm failing, and like the only thing that makes me worthy of anything and gives me any value is my work, and I'm failing at that if I'm not concentrating. Ergo I'm worthless.
And it feels like a fault of will, like I should be stronger, should be smarter, should try harder. But on one hand I feel as though I'm trying my best, and on the other I don't know how to measure, how to know whether I'm on the right path or simply mistaking activity for progress.
And somehow, this isn't the conversation I end up having with my therapist - I somehow end up filtering these thoughts and giving the sense that I have more of a solid understanding of how broken this line of thinking is than I do. So why can't I just shut everything up and act accordingly? Why can't I just snap out of it again and act rationally? I just feel like crying, but I don't feel like I have anywhere or anyway to do that right now.
I feel like I'm burdening the world somehow. I don't like this feeling very much, and I'm sure it's not true. People offer me support and praise, but I resent myself for wanting that or needing that in the first place. And I second guess everyone's motives and I don't trust anyone. I don't know how to take a step back, reset expectations, and move past this spot.