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Do I ever relate to this experience you call "the ache". You've expressed what it's like very eloquently. Thank you for that. I now feel just a bit less alone. 

Wonderful, Boatsailrose! A cup of chamomile tea to you!

Something that has long worried me and that it's been hard to find answers about is that I have major gaps in my memory.
I know we're not psychological or medical professionals here, and that no one can definitively say what this is about,
but I have a sense that it's a result of shutdown or disassociation rather than any physiological problem. I take great
comfort in finding this place and a possible path to finally finding my way out of some of this fear and deprivation.
I say deprivation because with such gaps in my memory, I feel as though I'm deprived of an identity, which is scary indeed.

I'm so glad my post resonated with you, Boatsailrose! I wish i had awakened earlier to the realization that by not removing yourself when necessary, you give people license to treat you however cruelly they please.   But removing yourself can sometimes take a great deal of strength and conviction that it sounds as though you've garnered for yourself! Bravo! When I should have walked away, I found that I was paralyzed, almost as though by a spell that kept me transfixed by the cruelty I was witnessing. Again, the "I can't believe..." refrain.

I wish you all the support in the world as you move through such difficult stuff.

Thank you all so very much for your supportive replies!! This seems to be a wonderful, helpful community that I'm sure I'll check in with frequently as I recover...

The circuitous path that led me to this forum began with trying to find answers about the breakdown of my last relationship. The way it all ended, which felt like a complete and utter abandonment (which by the way has always been my worst fear as I've struggled with anxiety related to separation anxiety and trust issues in virtually every one of my relationships) has left me in complete head-shaking disbelief. Months and months went by when "I can't believe...." was a constant refrain. Just what was so hard to believe about it?? Why should it be so very hard to believe that a person who treated me very badly and very unfairly, consistently putting his own needs on a level far above mine, complaining extremely and often about every aspect of his life to me, but never allowing me to vent, drawing unfair parallels between me and his mentally ill mother, baiting me and starting fights and laying the blame for it at my feet, why should I be surprised that such a person should abandon me in such a calculatedly callous way? (Why, you may well wonder, should i be distraught over such a person abandoning me, as so many friends and family members who've heard more about this than they'd care to are at such pains to understand??) What is with this willful, stubborn naivety? It feels infantile, and the like mark of someone who never learned how to stop people from violating her. And whether or not this ex of mine actually has a PD (which I would venture he does), I am here to heal from what I went through in dealing with him, and to learn how to set boundaries between myself and those who would mistreat me, i.e., calmly and lovingly put that naif to bed and not leave her in charge of who gets to be close to me.

Hello all-

I'm having a hard time even posting anything because I feel as though my situation doesn't come anywhere near the severity that many on here have experienced. And yet I have come to believe that my pathologically abysmal self-image which I've carried with me since teenage years (I'm now 45), accompanied by a seemingly unshakable need to judge myself in the harshest possible manner must be rooted in some sort of childhood trauma. I am also some time out of an emotionally abusive relationship and having an extremely hard time getting over it and moving on. The loss of this relationship has completely thrown me--I can't seem to find the same excitement and value in the things I used to do prior to getting involved with this person. I slowly over the years we were together stopped investing in myself and my life in order to be ready to do whatever he wanted/needed at  moment's notice. And after allowing myself to slip into this dynamic, he eventually abandoned me, moved away and took up with someone else. I'm still reeling from the callousness with which I was treated and not sure which way is up.

Thanks for listening.

Hello all--

Still technologically challenged. Rather than write a long post that will only be lost, I'll try posting only this.