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I wok up early this morning with very emotional, sad dreams. And I was able to comfort myself, which I haven't been able to for a long time. That feels like a win 

Thank you  I do feel better thankfully 

I had therapy on Thursday after a 2-week hiatus, which really helped too. I discussed that morning feeling and explored it a bit.
Work has been interesting. I've been there 2 and a half weeks now. In a psychiatric in-patient ward. We have a mixed bag of patients and the job is definitely rewarding and at times challenging. There is one patient in particular who triggers all of us...he can be very cruel and scathing in his remarks to staff, always honing in on people's vulnerabilities and attacking. Needless to say, he does remind me of my upbringing. The cruel jibes at home, at school, the lack of empathy and getting his kicks out of getting a reaction. Its been interesting to come face to face with this again, it made me realise how far I've come. The first 2 days were tough, I felt quite helpless at times and quick to feel the sting of his comments, and back to feeling shame and worthless. But then I spoke about it with my mentor, and he suggested the whole ward have a meeting to discuss his impact on us and that was SO helpful. It made it difficult to personalise after that, we all had basically a group therapy session where we discussed what he had said to us, and how it made us feel, and how to best approach him. It felt so good to be able to put words to things and to have another reality in which others lived where being a recipient of cruel jibes wasn't 'just what I deserved' or how life just IS. In a way, it felt like a part of the helpless child in me healed a little bit from feeling so helpless against such a narcissistic character.
We also discussed what might be causing him to be so unkind and that helped too. I don't believe in excusing cruel behaviour, and we also said strict boundaries are necessary, so none of us how to tolerate it, but i also approached him with some kindness - until the cruel comments would start up - and there was some shifts with him. He has been less cruel the past few days and even made a few nice comments of support when another patient became aggressive and scared all the staff.

Yesterday, we had a 'Galentine's' dinner with the bridal hen party of my friend, and though i had finished late from a very chaotic shift, I pushed myself to go and it was really good fun! It was in a beautiful restaurant where the food was divine and the my friend had got each of us personalised cards and gifts with sweet messages to each of us. She amazes me at how much capacity for love she has, and how she approaches life with such intentions for goodness. I feel quite lucky to have her in my life.

And now its finally the weekend so I will be relaxing a lot! And hope to do some household chores and maybe go out for a nice walk and treat myself to a coffee and a pastry. I have lots of cute independent cafes around my area, so I might have a stroll and just have a day of good self care.

I hope everyone else is having a lovely weekend 

Its 5am and I am awake, feeling quite scared.

Things have been better, and in a way, still frightening. My mind still goes to eerie, abandoned feelings whilst I sleep. And I wake up feeling extremely alone, vulnerable and unhappy. Its very hard to comfort myself. I feel like I have no comfort to give myself anymore. My mind feels quite tired and my nerves shot. Its not even that the dreams are particularly jarring anymore. Its more just this feeling that...there's no-one there, no-one is coming, no-one cares. It feels like I am a young child scared in bed, who is very used to being left alone. That's probably the part of me that is triggered. My head hurts from this and my heart aches for this lack of care and love. It feels so difficult and scary and I don't feel rooted or secure in anything or anyone.

This really has struck a chord with me, holidayay.
I keep wondering why I didn't realise earlier what was going on in my family and how much this affected me deeply. It seems hard to believe now given the scale of some of the things I experienced but the truth is that I never really labelled their actions as abuse until quite recently. I mean, I was quite aware of the physical abuse but I nevertheless did not allow myself to notice quite how much this really hurt me because I knew how much more other people have suffered and I felt that my pain was in no proportion to the things that happened. I continued to blame myself for being so sensitive and vulnerable and struggling so much with the fact that dad hit me when he at least never left any bruises or scars, so I guess I was basically gaslighting myself.
As for the emotional abuse, how is it possible that I did not recognize that this had been happening all throughout my life? I mean, I had hurt of emotional abuse and had to do some training on recognising it for work but I never made the connection to my own experiences and I can't believe now how long it took me to really see what was happening. I imagine that I was extremely trauma-bonded to my family and that I had to believe in their "essential goodness" because they were pretty much my only contacts and I had no real friends or anything, but you're right, it does actually haunt me that I didn't see what was happening for many, many years.
And yes, it also haunts me to look back on my past actions and see how much of my behaviour was caused by the childhood trauma. How much I was constantly fawning over others, trying to be the perfect girl that never made mistakes because I so desperately wanted to avoid rejection and being hurt again.
But, you know what I find even more scary and daunting? That I still don't know how to end all of this. I am aware of the trauma and how it affected my mental health and I know that it causes me to deny my own needs literally all the time but I don't know how to stop this and escape this "huge intangible thing" as you called it.
I guess it's easy to blame ourselves for this (once again) and keep pondering about our own shortcomings. Yet, the truth is that this is what was done to us. We couldn't notice sooner because the wounds were just too big and painful and we were only just barely surviving. And we couldn't know better because we were constantly being told as children that we were at fault and at some point we just accepted that. We had to because we depended on those around us to survive back then, and even when we grew up and went our own ways our lives were still overshadowed by pain and the threat/fear of abuse never really went away, so I guess it is understandable in a way to be like this even if it is spooky and devastating.

I'm really pleased to see that recently, my posts are resonating with people. And I felt really touched reading your post, and sad for the child you and I were, who had to grow up under such enduring hyperactivation of our nervous systems, preparing for wholly unfair attacks that little children are not equipped to deal with on such regular, prevalent basis. It does take work to undo this. But, the starting point is the most crucial - recognising and becoming aware of the habits. And we have done that already! So I am very hopeful for us. And the more we keep reminding ourselves of what is more acceptable compared to how we have been groomed to operate, the more we can act on the basis of the former and it becoming our norm, and what we have always deserved. I'm sorry for us that it is such hard work, though, especially given that we have already paid a heavy price of labour throughout our childhood and we don't get resources such as time or financial assistance to deal with this - I know for example, if I didn't have extra burdens such as financial deadlines, my mind would be a bit more free from pressure to practice the healthy things. I slip into my old habits when i panic because i am running out of money, living paycheck to paycheck and the nervous system activation makes it nigh on impossible to access the frontal lobe to be more rational and reasonable insted of fight-or-flighty. I wish governments would recognise things like this and provide assistance to take off these burdens a little bit so the healing period can be more effective instead of being interrupted by such panic as having to pay for everything during crucial points in the healing process! It would go some way towards levelling the playing field with people who go to work without the bedrock of CPTSD. Their anxiety when financial stressors hit are just not the same; for us, we regress terribly. At least that has been my experience. And then it makes it harder to meet the basic financial demands of imperatives things such as shelter and food never mind the 'luxuries' of therapy and other healing modalities...and its a vicious cycle.

Having said that, I started my new regular 9-5 job last week. Came off my flexible ad hoc work and thankfully, first week went really well and I am really enjoying it! I am working on an all-male in-patient psychiatry ward and it has been very rewarding and informative so far. My team are very supportive and well trained, and they are very good at protecting me when the patients get a little bit intrusive. I was worried I'd feel triggered and unsafe at times but that hasn't been the case so far. I feel like I am where I am meant to be now, after putting off a psychiatry job for a few years until I was a bit more advanced in my healing, so I didn't get triggered too often, and I can see that was the right decision to make. I definitely wouldn't have been able to cope with this a few years ago, in hindsight.
But yeah, I'm now feeling the financial stress lifting a bit with the prospect of regular income.

I've also stuck to my vow of more regular socialising. I had a little sleepover with my good friend and a new friend I met  few months ago through a mutual friend who is very much on my wavelength, and the three of us had a lovely evening eating dinner, drinking wine and chatting until the early hours. And then we woke up early and chatted in bed for ages and I even felt comfortable to share of my family experiences and it was so lovely to feel free from shame and fear of rejection for talking freely about my traumas. It reminded me of when I used to feel terribly anxious and ashamed when i had issues pressing on my mind related to my family and i would meet up with my ex-best friend who didn't seem comfortable to listen to and talk about such things and i felt so, so ashamed in her company and i'd end up dissociating from the stress of having to stifle my real feelings and put on a bright, happy, relaxed show to prevent her scowling and rejecting me. I feel quite shocked that i ever thought that was normal...these newer friends of mine on the other hand, provide an environment where it is so okay and natural to say how i feel and what i am thinking and validate me in a way that seems effortless and like I am not a burden at all. And we do that for each other, in a reciprocal way. My mind is opening up so much to how real friendship and love is given and received and I'm so thankful for the turn my life has made in this regard. I still hope to have children someday and now I am having these corrective experiences, I feel like they are putting me in such good stead to understand healthy love to provide them with a better bedrock and foundation from which they can grow.

Just a quick entry before going to work.

I feel....haunted by what i didn''t know, when i didn't know it, and how it caused me to live life in such a demeaning, degrading way...does anyone else relate to this? Like...now I have learnt more about myself, self-love, boundaries, heck that i even deserve to be treated as a human being and am not just invisible/a burden....i can't believe what i used to do to myself. Surround myself with people who didn't care 1 bit about me, give my all to men who could care less and i would be so devastated....doing far too much for others - friends, employees, other students.....and not realising i didn't need to always give of myself just to be deserving of having a presence.

I'm spooked out by the enormity of this, how it changes the basis and sequale for so much in life. I feel quite a lot of despair and devastation realising all this, and so upset that it was such a waste of time and energy and my mental health when all along it could have been so different. I wish i knew better, sooner. I feel quite humiliated and ashamed of myself. I wish someone had guided me and taught me better instead of all of the terrible lessons i learnt about myself that made me feel so unworthy and unloveable. I wish it could have been different. I feel like I am grieving a huge intangible ...thing. i don't know what else to call it.

I have to dash now but i wanted to reply properly to the reply to my previous entry. Just felt like quickly sharing these feelings here first so they are less in my head. I hope everyone has a nice day 

Hi all!
It makes me so happy to see my post resonated and helped a few of you, too. There is something to be said from learning from and with each other on here. I really can see more and more how working on replacing the isolation coping mechanism with new, relational coping mechanisms (relational because it involves being around others without feeling them as a threat) is a really important step to take once we are ready for it. And even then, it may feel hard and counter-intuitive at times, and my brain still tries to urge me not to go outside and/or be around others but I have to say, when I do push back it and go - 9/10, I feel better for it and overall, the 'threat' signalling and flight-or-fight mode does go away.

It's interesting because a couple of years ago, when I was first coming to terms with the full extent of my ordeal and my family's dysfunction, I definitely did not benefit a lot from forcing myself outside. I benefitted more from indulging in a 'hermit' stage - and what really helped my nervous system then was all things cosy. Warm blankets, cups of tea, fairy lights on, salt lamps, candles, hot baths, watching movies, cooking at home with my then boyfriend - being around others and out and about would only seldom work.
I just want to say this for anyone who might be reading this and might feel bad about themselves if going out and being around others ISN'T working, or very difficult at the moment....there are stages to healing, and i watched many videos and read many articles/books about stages such as needing to be alone, and stay indoors, and that can all be perfectly normal too. I think it is about listening to our body; this is what has served me well. And I've noticed after the initial period of hermit-ing (a good 2 years or so, I'd say), I am starting to notice a shift in my body. Now, being around others (a step i'm taking slowly) is starting to feel good, and safe, and very comforting. Especially with the new friendships I focused on putting my energy into; reciprocal, kind, caring, understanding. The prospect of seeing them feels like a safe haven now, compared to angst and anxiety I'd have in the past when I wasn't so conscious about who I surrounded myself with, and nor did I really reveal much of who I really was, and what my real struggles were. Sometimes I wonder which one was the issue - the people being not right for me, or me hiding who I really was that they couldn't see and react to it? I suspect one fed into the other.

Anyway, I did go to my friend's birthday party last weekend. And I had such a good time! Chatting, having a few drinks, dancing, and there was the most scrumptious birthday cake ever. I got to meet mutual friends and that was really enjoyable, too. I also got asked out on a date - I'd forgotten what this was like after lockdown, when all dating seems to occur via dating apps?! The guy was sweet and it was nice to meet someone organically for a change.

I had another realisation into some of my coping mechanisms, too, which I realised have quite an impact on my stress and energy levels. I've realised when I feel a certain negative feeling crop up, if somebody has done or said something to me that has upset me, my heart starts pounding and I immediately get really scared and dissociative. And then if I want to say something, I'll rehash it in my mind - see the situation from all sides and make sure I have an explanation or defense lined up for every possible viewpoint someone may have and direct towards me, to make sure I don't miss out on any 'loopholes' where I may then be diminished, or blamed or told otherwise my feelings are invalid and then I feel shame and guilt or disgust with myself for 'making the situation difficult' or 'not being an easy or 'normal' person' and then its my fault....and of course, this is linked to childhood. Where my mum and other adults in my life were so quick to jump to blame-shifting, or gaslighting a person out of having their own feelings and realities.

I noticed it when i was deciding on a decision to commit to meeting up with a friend who can be flakey and non-communicative, and bail at the last minute. I realised that whereas I put up with anything and everything for a lot of my life because i had no concept of boundaries or my own needs or dislikes, now I am individuating more, this is a trait in a friend I do not really like. I try as much as possible to respect people's time and effort - and actually, I like it when I get given the same in return. So, when I was deliberating on how to deal with this situation - and a third friend was also part of this meet-up - i went through this whole process in my head of replaying my feelings, what i should say, what evidence is there for this viewpoint versus the viewpoint that I am being unreasonable or irrational or unfair or otherwise reason enough to blame and shame me and then leave me because my needs make it 'difficult' to love me.
Its quite overwhelming when I pay attention to what is happening in my body as all this is occurring. The shallow breaths, the heart pounding, mind racing with thought - its very exhausting and takes such a toll, I end up needing to take a nap and then drink lots of water.

So, this time, I tried to approach it differently. Of course, the habitual process kept invading my thought processes, but I tried not to act on it, and then when the third person in the friendship group rang me to discuss, I was able to express that non-committal and flakey behaviours and bailing and lack of effort affects me negatively and actually, I find it to be somewhat rude and alienating towards the people who do make an effort. We were able to talk about it and overall, the outcome was better, than what i have done over the years in such trigger flare-ups, which would have been to lock up my feelings, triggering my wounds, having bad dreams and flashbacks and resentment building and building until i explode or fall into a depressive slump and isolate and then feel even worse.

Gosh, this stuff is HARD WORK. Its so much harder than how I thought it would be when I first started this journey of un-learning the unhelpful and destructive coping mechanisms of my dysfunctional upbringing. But, it always ends up worth it. And I feel like I see the steady positive benefits, slowly trickle in and build over time. Stronger friendship groups, better ability to express myself, able to show up at work differently - more confident, measured, assertive - and in dealing with life in general.

Happy Saturday everyone.

It's my good friend's surprise birthday party today, and I am actually excited. Think I might be emerging from my depressive episode occurring from end of December until a few days ago.
I thought about how and why it happened. And I realised I've reached a point in my life where isolation no longer serves me, as it did when i lived with unpredictable, dangerous people. Now, it mainly makes me depressed and start spiralling and overthinking.
So, for the past week, I made a conscious effort to leave the house at least once a day. I saw friends more often, spoke to others on the phone who lived further away, went out to a coffee shop to be around others in general, and went out for dinner/drinks in the evenings. It really is a gap that needed filling. They say depression can crop up to highlight to us what is missing or needed in our lives, and I feel like this was the case here, and when I listened to what it was trying to tell me, it lifted.

Oh, and I got a message from a recruiter saying a new consultant is interested in my CV. I've been doing flexible work for the past 4 months, with the intention of focusing more on healing. It was very liberating and helpful to work on my own terms, although it comes with the downsides of having to be more proactive about my finances and making sure i earned enough every month. This call came at a right time, and quite an ideal offer - i met with th consultant for a chat and she seemed lovely And its very close to where i live so - hurrah! No miserable winter commutes. And  the hours are very reasonable. So I think this may be the start of my new chapter in 2023.
I'm excited to see what the year ahead brings 

Hey Holidayay!

Do I understand that mood!  That heavy weight that just seems to add its difficulty to everything, but at the same time you don't want to let on that you're in a bad mood so you do your best to try to bear it and do normal things, but that just delays and/or makes it worse.

Hoping this next week is better!

YES. You've put it so well there! And it really does make it worse.
I ended up spilling the truth to my friends yesterday and it felt like a weight lifted, and it was really lovely that all of them wanted to call/meet up to talk about it. It wasn't straightaway fixed, but it took the burden of pretending off my shoulders, and today I woke up feeling much better. Already out of bed, had a hot bath, coffee and will meet my friend later. And...however i feel, I'm going to try to just let it be and not fight it/shame it/try desperately to figure it out and go in circles in my head. Its all fruitless.
One thing I do know, exercise - even a gentle walk, can really help things moving. But I will also validate that when its REALLY bad, that can be hard if not impossible to do.
Here's to a fresh new week 

Thank you Hope 

I did drag myself out to the day out yesterday. We went to see the castle where Meghan Markle got married. It was nice, the town was very beautiful, but I couldn't really shrug off the dark grey cloud. I tried to get on with it as best I could, went with a colleague and he is nice and friendly, we had some Indonesian food which is new for me, never tried it before. Everything tastes somewhat bland and grey though, just like my mood. Its getting so hard to shake off. We watched a cutesy disney film when we got back and I tried out my new air fryer - have had it for a few months but felt this weird overwhelm whenever i looked at it, that it would be a lot of energy and brain power to figure out how to use it. Actually, it was really easy and works pretty well. Felt tired enough at the end of the day to go to Bed without too much room for racing thoughts and anxiety, and did pretty well to sleep until 8.30am...usually i'm awake by 5 or 6 these days. As soon as I woke up, it was back to that heavy feeling of depression again. It starts to feel like the cycle starts all over again, and just as I get through another day, the next morning restarts it all over again. Its 2pm now and I've not done much today...mostly stayed in bed scrolling on social media, made a lousy breakfast. At least I brushed my teeth. And fed my cat. I guess that's a few wins?

I can't bear to be in my own head so I'm now trying to summon up the will to go outside and sit in the park which is just a 20 second walk from my home....why does it all feel so overwhelming and like SUCH HARD WORK. Really don't want to do anything. But don't want to do nothing either, haha. Just want to feel a bit better.

I'm rambling a lot here. Bit of a depressing read. Journalling on here is one of the few things that helps though. Feel like I'm letting people down by being miserable for quite a few days now but its just a journal, im reminding myself. The aim isn't to get people here to read and enjoy it. People don't even have to read it. Its just an outlet.
Guess its my inner demons making me feel like a failure and ashamed and a burden on everyone. Urgh.

The anxiety has subsided a bit, and the depression taken over. I haven't done much in the past 2 days at all. Mostly overslept, overate...and not really much else. I haven't had the will to bring myself to push against it. I did manage to go to a GP appointment and my therapy appointments yesterday, actually, which I guess I should be proud of, considering how low and hopeless i felt.
January being my least favourite month isn't helping, Its so gloomy, and dark. I need more sunlight and sunshine.
I had enough this evening and pushed myself to go out with a friend to check out a venue in a really nice area near to me, for her fiance's birthday next week. I so didn't want to leave the house at all, but managed it in the end. It wasn't easy, i felt pretty miserable on the bus with lots of dark, hopeless thoughts. But getting out did help it lift, a little bit. We had a drink and some nibbles and the venue was really lovely. Stayed for 2 hours and was happy to get back, the change of scene somehow definitely makes being home a bit better compared to just staying here and festering.
I'm hoping tomorrow i won't just stay in bed all morning and have multiple naps, but actually leave the house. My friend from work and i said we might hop on the train go check out a really nice area tomorrow where some of the Royals live, I think that might be nice. Blow off some cobwebs. Though I am worried I'l drag along with me my dark cloud of depression.

I can't wait for this month to be over and for Spring to slowly appear again.....

I'm very anxious today.
My dreams keep bringing up new scenarios now. Therapist says this is good progress, that my brain is 'working through things'.
The dreams have emotions that are so exhausting, however. I dreamt today of my very mean mum - trying to bond with me, stroking my hair, asking why i don't talk to her about anything. I was anxious and my heart was pounding the whole time in the dream, I could feel the rush of the cognitive dissonance thoughts that i could never actually say to her - the times i did, she would erupt in fury and it would be WW3 and then I'd face that dark loneliness all over again. I so wanted to trust in her and believe in her in the dream, but my nervous system said otherwise. I've been awake about about 15 mintes since this dream and my heart is still pounding, i feel sick and my stomach is doing flips - my mind facing.
I don't trust her, that's why. To me, she is danger. That;s how my nervous system registers her. And he confusion of trying to disbelieve my body and my reactions and my thoughts to just switch into a different trust state with her, is not authentic at all. I don't remember a single moment in my whole life where i trused her. Even from my earliest memories, i remember feeling frightened and anxious of her.

Yesterday my dream was about my sister, who always wanted me to listen and help her but who would want no part in my life when i needed help. I felt such loneliness and despair when she would behave like that. In my dream, I had had enough and when she started disappearing to not listen to me, i followed her and her partner and told them i would not leave until they heard me out. That they needed to sit and listen and understand - that they should close their pictures and imagine what it is was like - as a detailed doing the same behaviour to them as they did to me. Again, in the dream i felt distraught, abanoned, depressed and lonely, with my heart pounding - and i woke up with a hangover of the same feelings. I was able to ring a friend and talk it through, which was helpful.  and i'm trying to remember my therapist's words that my brain never wants to harm me, but is doing everything it can to protect and help me to heal - but in having these dreams, showing m these images, i am reliving the pain and misery and terror all over again and it feels brutal on my nervous system.

I haven't been able to do much the past few days as a result. I ran myself a bath and lit some candles yesterday, which was nice. I walked to the shop to get myself some nice food. Did a bit of cleaning here and there, when i could. Did a laundry cycle and hung up the clothes. Replied to some life admin emails. Cleaned up my cat's litter and made sure she was well fed. And then just mostly read, and slept. I've been sleeping a lot as i just feel so, so exhausted, all the time. I wonder if the weather and season is contributing to this - January is definitely my least favourite month. I'm already counting down the days until its over.

I have some more cleaning left to do and plans to go for drinks with friends later. Right now, it feels impossible. But I know I will feel better for it. Its just getting there that will be tricky, and motivating myself to get up and get ready. My therapist says we have identified connection always helps me, even though it feels scary to go towards it. So I'm trying to remember these words. But oh boy, it does feel big and scary to get up and do anything right now.

I feel fully anxious, and depressed, as i did when i was young and helpless. I know I am safe now, I am not where i was, its a different time and I'm no longer in danger. My friends are really good at repeating this to me now. I'm lucky i have such understanding friends. I just wish the journey would start getting easier, and stay easier for a longer period of time than brief moments of relief.

Happy new year everyone! Thank you for your replies.

Do people find unexpected emotions come up during the holiday periods?
I really felt that this year. Usually, I can sort of predict what situations will trigger me, but this one really took me by surprise. I'm not sure what I was expecting, I don't think I was expecting anything, actually.
23rd December, my friend drove us to our old town - another friend of mine had said I could stay at her place and after spending the evening together, it would be free from christmas eve to the 27th. An old colleague of mine was hosting a big dinner on christmas day for all the doctors who can't go home, so I thought I'd go to that.
Instead, after intially enjoying an evening with my friend on the 23rd, I started feeling very depressed and rapidly declined. Dreams were horrendous, I had sleep paralysis and the 'exploding head syndrome' (loud bang in my head as i fall asleep) and constant, racing thoughts. It was so awful. I don't know how it came on so suddenly and so quickly, and just completely engulfed me. I ended up cancelling on the christmas dinner, and spent much of the 24th, 25th and 26th just scrolling through social media, trying to block it all out. Not looking after myself at all. I ate utter junk, didn't shower and felt so miserable and anxious at the same time. I was able to see a good friend on the evening of the 26th before leaving late at night and coming back home. I had a work shift the next day, which was okay, and since then I've felt the hangover of whatever that weird episode was over the christmas period.

My dreams have been so heavily emotional. Horrible scenes of me being unwell, suffering with freaky dental problems (i won't go into detail and potentially scare people reading this!) and having my previous colleague who was very unsympathetic to patients turning up as the doctor who would treat me and me freaking out and begging for anybody else.
I really don't know what to do with all the emotions as the result of all of this. Therapy started up again after 2 weeks' break and it really isn't helpful to have gone so long without therapy. I get they want their holidays but my patients don't suddenly have their treatment stopped to accommodate for 2 weeks' holiday for the treatment provider, so why should it be any different with us? I feel like the suffering went to unnecessarily high levels without the support and now I have to work to come back down to any kind of baseline. Its so maddening to me why there's constant messages of 'no support for you' available so readily for us, inadvertently or not. My nervous system doesn't really respond to festive holidays, I feel like I have lived in a war zone the past few weeks.

Its not fair. What is supposed to just be a straightforward few days seeing family and friends becomes an unnecessary cauldron of terror, depression and darkness. I believe the UK society is one of scarcity and lacking in community too; people don't really invite each other over so much unless its 'close family' and even then, from what i hear, there's always some sort of weird passive aggressive behaviours or other such toxicity. My parents' heritage is Middle Eastern, where I grew up observing the other side - people in that community would consider celebrations for everybody - the more the merrier - there was always more food than there were people to feed, and kids running around, and its harder to feel so stuck in your own thoughts. I wish I'd had a different Middle Eastern mum who hadn't ruined all of this.
Anyway....I'm feel pretty negative and despondent now. Quite scared, nervous and hopeless. Again. I don't know how many more times I can get through these hideous cycles. It feels treacherous. Especially in the winter - with the gloomy, dark exterior seemingly confirming the tempting dark thoughts of anxiety and depression. I can't wait until January is over, already.

Not a very positive new year's message at all, I know.
Nevertheless, I'm holding onto the hope that this always passes and wishing you all a happy new year. Hope you all had at least some rest during the holidays

I've woken up from such horrible dreams consistently depicting people ignoring my pain and injuries, people i loved, even when i am screaming and showing them my injuries.
I'm trying to not shame myself but i really don't know how to soothe myself this morning. I felt depressed and sad.
I don't want to get out of bed, really.
The cold weather is not making it better. I really dislike the winter months with the short days. It makes it harder to summon up the will to do anything.

Hi Holidayay,
I hope you enjoy your run, if you decide to do one.  I know you enjoyed the walk, and it was nice that you had more energy as a result of that - and kudos to you for doing it, when you didn't necessarily feel like it beforehand.  I think that's great.

Wishing you the best for the holidays and hoping that you have some nice experiences during those times.

Hope 

Thank you so much, I went for the run today for over an hour and loved it

Holidayay,
I am so sorry that you have been struggling with bouts of abandonment depression recently, I know how hard it is to cope with this overwhelming sense of emptiness and dread. It requires immense strength to reach out of this death-like state and I think you're really brave to still continue to persist at work and seek the help from your therapist.
When this happens to me I tend to just hide away from others and sabotage myself but I hope that I can learn from you and take a little bit better care of myself, especially as Christmas approaches.
So far, I have always coped reasonably well with the Christmas season. I didn't necessarily like it because it made me very much aware of all the drama within my family and there have been many nasty arguments, but this is the first time that I am actually scared of what the next few weeks are going to bring.
At least, it's good to know that I don't have to go through this completely on my own and that there are people like yourself out there who understand how difficult this time of the year can be
Thanks for making me feel less alone with this

You are most definitely not alone in this, and I'm so glad my post helped you. Here is the article on managing the emptiness that comes with the abandonement depression that really helped me:

https://www.eastbaytherapist.org/article-blog/849536

It really is such a terrible feeling. I'd say the worst of all the different facets of CPTSD.

I've slowly come out of it over the last few days, but my god, when it was there, it felt like it would be forever and there is no hope at all.

I did something else today guys, quite a big step for me - I started sharing my story on youtube! Anonymously, and I don't have any kind of following or anything like that, I just had this sudden urge to start verbalising it and sharing it when i went for my morning run. My friend had been telling me for a few years now that it would be really great and it suddenly felt right today. I wasn't even nervous, and actually, once I got talking, I couldn't stop. I hope it helps in my healing but also, just to put it out there for other people who have experienced such a thing and to have someone to relate to, I know I wished I had more videos like that when i first started on my healing journey. So proud of myself