Messages

I am an Asian woman in construction and i feel like this trait really does define my character. i.e. you can probably guess what kind of female i am haha!

When i first joined the company, i saw the name Roe Lee on a document i glanced at on my boss' desk. I'd come in straight from uni and was (still am) desperate for representation within my industry. I never see women on site and they're always in the office unlike me. Don't even get me started on being a minority on top of that. Roe Lee was (to me at the time) a name that gave me hope. A sense of untapped opportunity. Almost an imaginary friend. I spent weeks silently scoping out this fabled "Roe Lee" and i didn't ask anyone about her because i was too shy. I imagined meeting her and befriending her and that she would make me feel safe and protected in this "Man's World". I imagined telling her about my cptsd and imagined she would be the pillar of support i needed to brave being the New Girl at work. Social corporate settings are not my forte. I wanted to meet Roe and i wanted us to be friends.

Alas, I found out that Roe Lee was a name of a site, not a person. I was mildly disappointed, but I ended up laughing at myself. Was i being hypervigilant or just very very hopeful? Was i projecting? I felt like i was reliving the lighter moments of my childhood again. The name was no longer a representation of Hope, it was a reminder of Joy.


And now i'm here, trying to spread these emotions. I love you guys.


All my love,
Roe.

Hi Woodsgnome,

That's a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing it

I can relate, i live day to day with The Ache as well. It subsides sometimes, but pops back up again uninvited. But it's these honest exchanges that I have within this community that gives me strength to push through.

Keep these sharings coming and let's spread the love




All my love,
Roe

Hi Kizzie,

Yeah i've been craving a community for the longest time. I suppose i'm also quite a keen person irl as well.

I hope my enthusiasm won't be misunderstood and i'll try my best not to come on too strong.

This community is so beautiful. It's hard not to want to jump right in 

Sceal shall we skip rocks on the lake too? I want to do some bird watching out there as well  

What boardgame shall we play when we get back to the house?

Estella can i have marshmallows and squirty cream on mine please

I'll help serve it to the rest of the house may later we can make brownies

Hi Everyone,

Yes i know i posted my introduction here already, but i was wondering...

What are some of your Must See Posts?

Link them here (if you want), and I'll definitely go and have a gander

1. i'm curious as to what people are interested in
2. i want to expose myself to as much of the forum as possible
3. it'll be a good way to get newcomers such as myself to get around by being shown around by more experienced members


can't wait to see your recommendations


All my love,
Roe

Thank you sanmagic7 it looks like a wonderful place!

Hope to see you there sometime!

Introduced to the Healing Porch by sanmagic7

Hello everyone,

Just had an EF at work and now i need to step back from all these numbers on the screen and enter a relaxing space.
I know, I know, i should be focussed right now, it's the height of the afternoon where i am. But i really need to get away even if it's virtually.
I'm also being hypervigilant around certain people and i want to walk away from that stress for just a second.

Just imagine me knocking on the door to the house, dripping wet and cold and shivering because there's been a thunderstorm in my mind.
Someone pass me a warm towel and a hug

hey, roe,

i think many of us have developed 'quirks' or coping mechanisms of some kind to get us thru traumatic situations.  thanks for sharing.  i know you're embarrassed by some, but i personally think it's been a protective device for you.  i'd say it was very helpful, actually.

humming to get yourself back to reality sounds like a dissociation thing to me, and it seems like it was a very good intervention you created for yourself. yeah, it may seem out of context in a social situation, but i think it gives you some good information about yourself, such as what makes you leave reality for that while.  it must seem dangerous for you on some level for you to want to escape it in your mind.

i've heard of others who also hate touching themselves, and if i recall correctly, it was connected to a self-hatred thing.   if you're in therapy, perhaps you can get help with that.  the one i recall seems to have had problems showering.

the floor thing, i'd guess, also seems dangerous for a reason.  again, if you have a therapist, it would be something to explore with them on a deeper level.

i've done the scenarios in my head in order to feel more peace before i go to sleep.  we have a 'healing porch' here on the forum, which i'd often imagine being there with others from here.  it's very calming for me, helps push out other intrusive thoughts that might keep me awake.

we are ingenious at coming up with ways to help ourselves, aren't we?  i love that about us.  by the by, most of us here don't have a formal diagnosis of c-ptsd because it's not in the therapist's manual for mental health diagnoses.  however, we recognize the signs and symptoms here, and know that no other diagnosis really fits.

thanks for sharing, roe.  love and hugs to you.

Wow thanks sanmagic7 i feel good knowing i'm not the only one. i'm hoping to hear more of these Quirks that we experience, i find it fascinating how everybody has different coping mechanisms and they are so unique and what makes us Us.

Tell me more about this 'healing porch' it sounds absolutely lovely.

All my love,
Roe

MILD TW.

Hi Everyone,

So i've not actually been medically diagnosed with c-ptsd which makes me feel extremely unworthy of help. I have, however, been to counselling for a year with a very good child abuse trauma counsellor. One of the interesting points of conversation i had with her (which is a lighter topic, in my sessions), is how i have developed certain... traits? from my abuse.
I don't know if any of these are real symptoms per se, but i like to think of them as my ptsd-related-Quirks. So i'll refer to them as Quirks in my post.

For example, (this is my most embarrassing Quirk so i'll start with this) I get an EF and then i make a weird humming noise to quickly snap back into reality. So people think i'm weird because i'm staring into space for a few minutes and then suddenly a loud "HMM" and i snap back into the present. I didn't know about EF's as a child so this was a quirk i grew up with. Never even thought they were ptsd related! Oh my gosh i am so embarrassed even thinking about it, i can't help it though! As a child, i would hum myself back into the present after an "abusive encounter" and i think the slight humour kinda made me smile a bit which made me feel better. It's a very ME thing.

I also do this thing where when i get panic attacks, i'm deathly afraid of the floor. I don't know what it is about the floor, but i'm scared of touching it or standing on it, or lying on it. I have to be elevated like on a chair or sofa or bed. The floor is lava doesn't even cut it.

I also have these thoughts when i'm alone. I mean i do have Intrusive Thoughts all the time, but these are lighter and happier. As a child, i was heavily bullied at school and i would cry at night because i didn't want to go to school the next day. So i kinda developed a routine where i would imagine scenarios where everyone was my friend, and i even imagine grandiose situations where everyone apologised and we were fine, and my mother loved me better, and i had a sibling magically appear, and i was happy. It lulled me to sleep. I still do this today. Imagining that people at work loved me, imagining my partner's ex didn't still bother us, imagining that i had friends in real life who lived in the same town as me. I need this to go to sleep. these imaginary scenarios are what puts me into a restful state. I notice i space out alot and imagine my scenes when i'm sad and alone or even walking to work and need a pick me up for the day. I sometimes even believe they're real? I lose track of what is real and what is imaginary. Is this a form of disassociation that i've made into a habit? i don't know, honestly.

And i hate touching myself. I can't touch myself intimately. In an intimate moment with my partner, i can only put my hands on him. I can't touch myself. It makes me physically sick. I hate the feel of my own skin on my palms. This includes my limbs, face, neck, everything D: It's very hard and embarrassing to talk about. I haven't been sexually abused, i feel it stems from a deep self-hatred.

I wonder if anyone has these Quirks like me? or different Quirks of their own? I think i define a Quirk as a habit or some behavioral or thought-related trait that you've developed due to long term trauma exposure. Hope to hear from you

All my love,
Roe.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for replying me, i don't know how to tag people in replies (i'll learn in time).

You all got me teary eyed at work because i can feel the love and warmth. I knew it was a good thing to join this community! I have so much hope and light in my heart but my trauma has indeed darkened my thoughts and i can't be my True Self on the outside. Typing to people on the internet helps me harvest this inner light i suppose?

I have to admit it'll still be a bit challenging for me to pluck up the courage to speak, but i do feel like i am with like-minded people who have been through the same pain as i have. Thank you again, I really really appreciate the support.

You give me Strength.

Hi everyone,

I've never joined a support group (physical or cyber or anything) so I don't really know how to conduct myself in this situation.

I don't want to use my real name, but you can call me Roe. I come from Asia, but am now living in Europe. I don't want to get into specifics about who i am because i get very 'paranoid' that my mother will find me.

I'm from an emotional and physical abuse background, by my mother to be exact. wow that was hard to type out. I am an only child so her rage is always purely directed at me. I can recount little events that have big impacts, but some of us might find that triggering and I'm not about to unleash my demons onto another person. If you want to find out more about my past, please message me privately (i honestly want to get it out, and i think telling another person what has happened to me might make me feel better).

i guess i have some concerns that really nag at me all the time on my trauma journey:
I've not been medically diagnosed with ptsd/c-ptsd, but my counsellor says she detects severe symptoms and she was shocked at how much i endured as a child and is convinced that i am on the ptsd spectrum. She referred me to a specialist, but he turned out to be very...unhelpful. He did not make me feel safe, he even said i should choose between my sessions or my job if i can't meet the times because "this is a specialist service, so please take it seriously". I didn't appreciate his tone and his arrogance, so I stopped seeing him before we could reach a diagnosis. Then i moved house and got a job and I am suddenly swallowed by life and I have no means/time to get help. I'm feeling like i'm in a slightly better place emotionally, but that's not to say i don't still want a community who understands me.

i also have concerns that (and i know it's not the case) my experiences are 'not as bad' as other people's and my brain is telling me that i 'don't deserve' to be here. I do this quite alot in social settings, always feeling like i 'don't deserve' to be anywhere or 'don't deserve' to talk to someone about something. I hope to be able to find my place within this loving community and hope to prove to myself that i can indeed be 'worthy' of support. So i'm putting myself out here now and reaching out!

My discovery of c-ptsd has really shed some light on habits i picked up over the years. As a child of abuse, i did not realise that some of the things i do are actually symptoms of c-ptsd. They just felt 'normal' to me. Before speaking to my counsellor, i did not realise that what happened to me had this much effect on my adult life. i lived in denial for 23 years as my trauma started from birth. I feel like discovering c-ptsd and hearing from a trained trauma counsellor that my childhood has impacted my adulthood has really opened my eyes.

I hope to find my place here, and learn more about this. Maybe there will come a day when i don't have nightmares anymore and i can love myself again.


All my love,
Roe