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Colored pencil finished a couple of months ago -- local setting in WNC forest -- I love this one so much. I feel so free and alive - like I can breathe in deep when I see this.

I have my first appointment for starting a treatment plan on Tuesday of this week. I am armed with C-PTSD info and print outs from this site to go in and tackle this with a bit of a head start.

The fact is, G and I have been together 16 years and have fought to be loyal friends as well as lovers through thick and thin. He married me and took in my 5 children, I was newly widowed. He never backed down or faltered. The least I can do is face my demons for him so we can live out our time alone more peacefully and fulfilling. The 'baby' just left home and drove her car one state over to settle in there with her friends. It's finally time for us... and then this happens. No.

We deserve more. Our story is not over yet.

Welcome Numann,

I am new here myself and it sounds like you have been through the ringer... the only thing I can say is your 'family' is where you find it ... it seems like this might be a good place to look. It is a comfort to find a safe place to share feelings and experiences without judgment or criticism... ironically that is what our FOO is supposed to be for, but often is far from it. I hope you find what you need here.

Solace

Thank you all for the warm words of welcome. I hope to be a source of strength and encouragement to others too.  I will try not to  like I often do on support forums if I get too discouraged...

I am good at fading away. Lots of practice. Wallflowers-R-Us is my favorite place to be.

Thank you DecimalRocket. 
I appreciate your presence... even just knowing someone is there listening to my complete honest expressions with no fawning involved means there is hope for me.

Ever since I was a small child, everything had to be said with such a careful, apologetic stance, painted and presented like it was an undeserved privilege to express my own feelings. At 56, I think it's time to start being brave somewhere, some how. But words... I hate speaking them. Writing them is so much easier. My journal is safe here... only objective eyes can see it.

Day 10.

It has been 10 days since he walked out, hurting and confused as well as angry. I was so sure it was his Borderline that did the damage, never imagining it could be my fault too. I was so convinced he was to blame. But my calm detachment was not normal. I stared out the door, and his packing didn't even move me. I just stared... he was thousands of miles from me. Just sitting and zoning out - I felt nothing but a sense of resignation. It took almost 5 days to cry or feel anything. He asked me to see someone for help before he would talk to me. REALLY? I mean really? Isn't BPD worse than PTSD? So he was the problem - it had to be him. I am not angry, just traumatized, right?

I have learned so much since this morning. CPTSD is good at hiding inside and masking EF rages behind justification, righting wrongs or overturning injustice. Being marinated in trauma makes it okay to say outright how you see things - no matter how hurtful, right? "We're not gonna take it anymore" plays in my head...  Wait a minute. Is his voice quivering? Is he hurt? Who hurt him? It would NEVER be me. I am keeping his heart safe, and I love him completely. Is that voice coming out of me? The dead-pan one... the one saying those things that I feel, but won't normally speak. What JUST HAPPENED??!? I would never... Oh yeah. The inner critic. The one who evicerates me inside my head on a regular basis. It now has turned on my lover. No patience, no tolerance, no allowance for his pain/anger or feelings. Only rigidity. Absence of mercy... brimming with cold indifference. This must end. This critical voice needs to die once and for all time. The battle has begun.

First of all... I am very sorry that you all have reason to be here... but at the same time, it is highly relieving to know that I am not alone.

I must admit I am kind of puzzled in where I belong in this place, but because the trauma began in early childhood and then built up from there with layers and layers of adult trauma. 

As for a safe and 'positive' introduction... I live deep in the blue ridge mountains where there are more trees than buildings, more greens than grays, with magnificent sky paintings and sculptured horizons fringed in bird song, rustling leaves and the sound of water tripping over stones on its way down the slopes. This place is the best medicine for my soul and I don't have to say a word. I am afraid to leave now that I have found this magical place. I am an artist, I draw things that calm me and comfort me. I work from home as a graphic designer and illustrator. Three of my five children live fairly close by. I am married to a man who shares my pain... he has Borderline Personality Disorder. We cling to each other and try to ride out each others emotional roller coaster ride. It is very hard at times -- but we really have been able to find a place to make a safe world for ourselves. Two broken people trying to soothe each other's pain, and sometimes stepping on each others triggers instead. My anger and emotionally distancing triggers his BPD.

In coming here, maybe I can find a way to not step on his heart so much. I am tired of hurting in silence and not being able to find words that aren't dismissed or misunderstood.

Thank you in advance for any help and support you might have... and I promise to try my best to be a source of patient and kind support.

More often than not, I wake up with an EF from sleeping. I don't remember any actual 'nightmare' most times, but occasionally I will wake up in full-blown frustration, anger, rage or in a complete shut-down mode where I am afraid to make myself known so I don't really speak - only when required - I don't volunteer anything. My desired super power is invisibility on those painful mornings.

Having read many of the triggers below, I can relate to many of them... but find it very hard to articulate them, let alone identify them for myself.
It's almost like someone somewhere has dictated that I don't have a right to notice my own feelings.

I am new -- just joined and this is my first post. I will introduce myself in another post, hopefully soon.