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@ah

Thank you for your kind words as well.  You know it'd be really nice if there were groups specifically for people with cptsd to get together at.  I think we could really be a great help to each other, and be able to socialize amongst ourselves at the same time. 

Discovering emotional healing in and of itself was a life savor for me, and the more I know what my emotional needs are and how to meet them, the better I feel and the less I miss any outside source of wellbeing such as my family. 

It's really just nice knowing that I am not alone in dealing with this stuff. 

Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate it.  It's really interesting to meet other people who struggle with cptsd, I feel as though no one could ever understand me, and although many places tell you you're not alone, I truly feel it here. 

I am eager to find a 'good enough therapist' as Pete Walker calls them, one who can help me specifically with relational healing, but at the moment I don't have insurance and don't have enough extra money for it.  I have many tools I'm using to help me heal though, which are working well.  The relational part is key though.

I like what you said about accepting myself.  I'm learning more and more that yes we can heal and overcome certain things, but this cptsd thing is not something that is going to vanish ever and to one extent or another we are sort of stuck with it.  I am introverted as well so maybe I should just allow myself to be how I am and not beat myself so much (cognitive healing anyone???)

Anyway, thanks again, and you said you live in an isolated area somewhere?  That sounds fantastic lol. 

Hi, my name is Justin and I'm relatively new here to the forum.  I'm honestly really happy to have learned about cptsd and that there are SOME places at least for support and community.  I developed cptsd in childhood and honestly all the therapists doctors healers and gurus I went to looking for help never mentioned anything like cptsd to me, or even that perhaps I had been severely traumatized and abused as a child. 

Anyway, as happy as I am to learn about cptsd, and as eager as I am to recover, after reading Peter Walkers book I feel rather overwhelmed and a little bit hopeless.  Because I am primarily a freeze type with cptsd, I have spent most of my life in avoidance, hiding and isolation to the point where my social skills aren't so hot.  I mean I can do it, I can talk to people and so forth but it's always sort of a mask and the whole experience is very draining for me and I find myself counting the minutes before I can make my escape.  Also because of my constant state of shock fear and confusion growing up I isolated in my room and didn't learn a lot of things so my reservoir of things to talk about isn't so hot either.  Believe it or not as a male I avoided things like sports music and cars because the loud noises and tons of people were extremely triggering for me.  Honestly after learning about cptsd everything makes so much sense now. 

I know I need to connect with others, and learning about emotional flashbacks and how to manage them is very helpful, but it's so incredibly difficult that I find I don't want to lol.  I'm also very interested in spirituality and meditation, so when it comes to things like seclusion I can take that to the next level.  I've had a few girlfriends in my life but nothing serious, and I can never 'do it' you know?  Connecting with others in a real and intimate way is something I've never been able to to do, and I always end up pushing the girl away. 

I have had to go no contact with my abusive family and so I am alone and have no support system.  Honestly it really sucks and it's hard to go on like this.  I get so angry that I have to deal with cptsd and now I have to go through all this recovery just to get to a somewhat 'normal' place that I just say screw it sometimes. 

Anyway, at least I know now what I'm struggling with and how to get through it.  Having cptsd is hard enough but the freeze element of it makes it even tougher to get through the inner emotional ice wall that I have developed. 

I wanted to know if anyone here has trouble connecting with others and or in having intimate relationships with others.  I feel so invisible like I'm alive and part of a community but not really.  I work at night as well to give my nerves a break, so it's a very lonely world (although I do like to be alone for the most part).  I'm also underemployed as I was never able to complete a four year university due to intense emotional flashbacks in school settings and panic attacks I'd have and that has made my life extremely limited and narrow.  I honestly hate this and frankly wish I was never born if I was just going to end up with something like this and with no family support or love.  My Mom and sister live 15 minutes away from me but because of how abusive they are and the fact that they don't respect my boundaries, I spent Christmas alone in a cafe with a chicken salad sandwich and some coffee.  In fact I spent all the holidays alone.  And I can do it you know I'm used to it, but it's hard and I'm honestly sad. 

I'm looking to go to some coda meetings in the area to at least start to open up and have some intimate and vulnerable conversations with people, and some other spiritual groups in the area. 

Can anyone relate to this type of thing with connecting with others?

I've never actually been able to nail down whether was more bpd or npd, but the things I hear discussed in here nail her behavior to a T.  My life growing up with my mother and to this day is that she is a highstrung, type A, officially bipolar/adhd diagnosed person with some major personality disorder traits going on.  She is in a constant state of hysteria, catastrophizing everything, and constantly picking and starting fights with people in her close life and then when they react or stick up for themselves in some way, she flips that around and rejects the person in some way, shames them, and scapegoats them by calling her friends and other family members to tell them how bad I was or my sister was, further alienating us from those who might otherwise love and care for us. 

I've always been curious as to how all the people she has called to pretend to be a victim with all these years haven't seen a pattern with my mother.  First my father was the problem, then it was me when he left the house, then it was her various boyfriends, then it was my sister.  It's never my mother who is the problem here, and somehow these people in her life can't seem to put 2 and 2 together. 

My personal strategy, since it seems like nothing can ever please my mother, is to be quiet and do nothing to attempt to prevent any possible problems from happening.  This passed Sunday I texted her to ask her if I could come over to her house to visit with her and my sister as I was trying to respect her boundaries, and she said sure.  But when I got there and sat down and started chatting with my sister, my Mom starts complaining that she can't get her work done on her computer because of the noise we're making, even though we were just having a basic conversation.  So I said, ok, would you like us to not talk at all, and she said no that what we were talking about was stupid and because of how stupid it was she couldn't concentrate.  Then she starts yelling at us about how she shouldn't have to go to her room in her own house to get some work done.  Now, you might be thinking, if she had so much work to be done and needed so much quiet, why didn't she tell me before I came over?  Why didn't she say hey, I've got a lot of work to do so coming over tonight wouldn't be such a good idea.  Whether she has work to do or not, it's her responsibility to do what's necessary to make sure it gets done.  It's no one else's fault if she 'can't get her work done'. 

Then when it's time for dinner she stands over our shoulders watching us pour stew into a bowl, and then yells out that we are making a mess if some of the soup falls off the spoon as we're pouring it.  Then she somehow takes the fact that there's this colossal mess in the kitchen (which there wasn't) to try to justify why she can't get all her work done.  The craziest part about that scene was that some soup fell off the spoon I was using to pour the stew into my bowl.....INTO the pot that the stew was in.  There literally WAS no mess. 

Then as I sit down to eat and my sister goes in to get some, the window in the kitchen is open and one of the neighbors is taking out their trash.  My mother asks my sister if she heard someone taking out the trash and apparently my sister didn't hear her or answer in time so my mother yells at her to answer her when she's talking to her.  My sister responds that she said yes and then somehow my mom was able to squeeze an entire fight out of that.  Then she changes the subject to how my sister needs to let my Mom know when the air in her tires is low so she can go get them filled, and when my sister asked how she knew the tires needed air, my Mother responded that the car told her.  Uhhhhh.....what.  So first of all it's like if the car told you what difference does it make if your daughter or anyone else tells you, and then she didn't even actually go put air in the tires.  Again, everything is an attack on our mother but she never has to take any responsibility for herself. 

So the craziness continues and I hear my sister getting bullied and decided that I would step in and take the brunt of it, so I told my mother to knock it off and stop starting fights and attacking us.  That there were no problems here except for her and she just needed to stop.  So that got her focus onto me which caused her to come over to me and tell me that I needed to shut up and that this was her house and she could talk to us however she wanted to talk to us.  I told her it was her house but that doesn't give her the right to constantly attack people and start fights.  So then she tells me to leave and that she wants her key to the house back. 

Some more stuff happened but I finally had to say you know what, I just have to move on from this.  It's really sad that I can't just go have dinner at my Mom's house with my sister on Sunday night for a few hours out of the week without my Mom starting some kind of fight and constantly yelling and fighting with people.  I can't allow myself to be abused and have the life sucked out of me just because 'she's my mother'.  So I've explained to my sister that I have to go NC and it's crazy because I live 15 minutes away from my Mom, but won't be able to do things like go over for the holidays or anything like that.  But my heart and soul feel so much better being away from her.  I'm starting to choose me and what's best for my own well being, even though it's hard mentally because you believe that you have some kind of obligation or something to your parents regardless of how they act toward you.  But I'm realizing that I can't control her behavior, that none of this is my fault, and that I have to make my own well being my obligation.  If my own mother can't exist in harmony in my life with my well being, not only is there something wrong with that but I've got to go. 

Anyway, wanted to write this for myself with people who understand and can relate, but also so others know they are not alone if they have beyond crazy and toxic families. 

I have gone NC for the last year after being disowned by my FOO. I have been their scapegoat and their dumping ground for all of their problems and abusive behavior my entire life. I am 51 years old now. I stuffed down and ignored my childhood and this event of my being disowned and scapegoated again for something that my GC sibling did completely traumatized me and brought my entire awful childhood memories back to me. I have spent the last year analyzing and dissecting all of it in order to put it in perspective and absorb and come to terms with it all. It has been a real eye opener. I always knew there was something wrong with both of my parents and it was painfully obvious the way they unequally parented all 6 of us. Based on the fact that I am smart, strong and emotionally intelligent, I was made their scapegoat. The day I was disowned, I still attempted to apologize for absolutely nothing just so my alcoholic, codependent father would not be as upset and angry as he was? How crazy is that? I have a clear conscience in all of it. My older GC sister started a physical altercation at her home, while I was at the emergency room with both of our 77, and 84 year old parents. This altercation ended up without my knowledge or permission at my home? When I left the ICU at 10:30pm that evening I drove the 45 minutes home to find my nieces and my sister waiting in my driveway, my GC sister screaming and cursing at them locked in their car? All of my neighbors on my cul-de-sac were outside at 11:15pm watching the whole nightmare. My GC sister then called the police. I got out of my car and calmly asked her what was going on and she just started screaming and cursing at me? I invited all of them inside, it was July in Texas and hot, also to get them out of the neighbors view. I tried to just calm the whole situation down and I offered my assistance to attempt to help. I knew my mother was very sick in ICU and my father not in the best health was at the hospital and worried about her. My GC narcissistic sister refused, continued cursing at me as if I had done something and sent the police into my home to arrest my niece for something my sister alleges she had done. It was so crazy and chaotic. I felt completely helpless and violated but I just attempted to remain calm. I know my sister she will call and lie to my parents and I will then be treated horribly and punished. I sadly knew that night when I saw them at my house I would get the blame for whatever it was that had taken place and it made me not want to go home! The police came, my sister then finally left and my niece that was staying with her and helping her was then immediately my house guest for the next month because she was no longer welcome at my GC narcissistic sisters home where the fighting started. When I left the hospital that night I kissed my parents on the head and tucked them in and told them I loved them. They had called my GC narcissist sister and my GC narcissist brother that day and asked them to take them to the hospital and they both refused, so then they called me and I went immediately and helped them. The next time I went to the hospital was two days later and I brought 4 dozen roses for my mother and told her half were from my Dad as i know its hard for him to do that he has trouble walking. My GC narcissist sister was there and I was attacked by all of them from the minute I walked into that room? My GC narc sister had apparently called the ICU the night of the fight after I left and upset them telling them lord only knows what about the altercation with my nieces and then I have no clue to this day what she said about me but they apparently without asking me anything or wanting any facts attacked and blamed me for the entire incident? My alcoholic father told me I was only allowed to be there in the hospital room of my mother that day because it was a public building? My mother who was sick, did what a covert narcissist is best at, played the victim like I had done something to her? So I left and went home and then my father called me later and started making up things and accusing me of more lies? He had no idea the police were called and at my home his GC left that fact out and when I attempted to explain my side of what had happened he just started screaming and told me I am never ever welcome to visit my mother in the hospital because I was upsetting them? My GC narc sister sat in that hospital room the entire time afraid I would tell the truth and I refrained because I did not want to further upset them. I thought eventually things would calm down and when my mom was not in the hospital perhaps it could be discussed and straightened out? Also I assumed they would remember I was actually at the hospital with them when all that chaos took place? No, it just got worse, I called to ask about my mothers health twice after this, and my father answered the phone both times, with my mother and sister sitting right there and not only refused to allow me to speak to her or know anything about her condition, he told me I was never ever allowed to speak to my mother ever again and never invited or welcome to come to see them or to anything they have ever. It was so hurtful I started apologizing for nothing just to calm it down but he refused to listen to anything I had to say, So painful! This traumatized me and made me remember how my entire childhood this same scenario of scapegoating went on. It was like a flood of memories I had suppressed all came back. It hurt me so much and depressed me as well, my stomach hurt I could not sleep, I started having trouble functioning. It just felt like a mortal wound to my heart and I sincerely just could not take this abusive game any longer. Then my alcoholic codependent father started bragging to my other siblings and cousin and aunts how he had disowned me? When my forgotten child sister asked him why, he had no answer but that I had upset them? My sister then said he mentioned my GC narc sister calling them in the ICU at 11:00pm that night and when my sister pointed out to him it seemed to her like his GC narc daughter had upset them by calling them in the ICU that night he stated she needed their help, and changed the subject and refused to talk about it any further, he then disowned her too. She had apparently failed to pay back a loan from 20 tears ago that he had stated numerous times he had forgiven and she did not have to pay back, now he was upset and demanded the money back from her. It was like that was all he cared about? He went on to disown my oldest sister, my nieces mother and all of her children including my niece. To this point still never hearing anyone else's side to the situation and refusing to listen. Honestly this just brought back all of the emotional trauma I felt as a child when they would do this to me, never listen or allow me to tell them the truth and punish and abuse me for my GC narc sisters bad abusive behavior and decisions. I as hurtful as this was just had to decide that I can not save them especially my parents from themselves. I was the only child they have that lives close to them that would assist and help them, and be good to them. So I wrote my father a note and told him if he wanted to believe the lies he was being told it was his choice and i wished him all the best. Also that I know the truth. I have had no contact since. Months after this happened my covert narc mother called and left me a few messages only saying she wanted to talk to me? She or my father have never once in my entire life appreciated or taken up for me especially when it comes to their narc GC. They have this codependent circle where they all lie for and cover up each other's abusive dysfunctional behavior. My own parents have never really attempted to have a genuine emotional connection with me, they have always just used and abused me and kept me around for these purposes only from what I can tell. I sadly ignored this and kept attempting to have a genuine connection with them. I now realize its not only not possible but something they will never ever attempt to have with me, Its a two way street! I have since learned all of the mean unkind untrue things they are saying behind my back to smear campaign me to anyone who will listen, all the while writing me a letter about how feeble my father is attempting to guilt me back into the dysfunction, but an apology or even a talk about anything that transpired would never be something they will entertain or allow to take place. My GC narc sister then month later had her son my nephew come to my home, while she waited in her car across the street? She has also attempted to call me numerous times and enlisted the help of her children to leave me strange vmm's. All the while they are still smear campaigning me and making up lies and still falsely accusing me? I must admit once people started telling me these things it was shocking but it also made sense and many things that I did not understand before became clear to me. They ignored my birthday, my son's birthday, him going off to college. They have always ignored and treated my son like he did not exist and was not relevant just like the way they have treated me. At the same time spoiling and going completely out of their way for their GC and their GC grand children. It all just made me realize I just cant take it anymore. So after mothers day, my father sent me a typed note, he doesn't type so my covert narc mother is the one that typed it, and it stated how much they have done for me? Which is laughable and that I am now again disowned and not welcome to his funeral because I did not send my covert narc mother a mothers day card? Completely crazy but again hurtful. This has been my whole life with them, they change the rules and move the goal post every five minutes and your never sure where you stand or what is expected, And the rules are different depending on who you are? It is and always was exhausting. My GC narc siblings have repeated this abusive  pattern my entire adult life as well. They somehow twist and blame all of their problems on me, it got so bad my GC narc brother's stripper wife started joining in and doing it as well, kind of a mob mentality. They would always make something up go and run to our parents just like when we were children and I would be screamed and cursed at and punished and never allowed to defend myself, they even took the strippers lies and punished me. My GC narc brother didn't care even when he knew she was lying, she is his abuser so he will never go against her, easier for him to abuse me. Again I just can't take it any longer. I have spent the last year attempting to heal, I moved so they no longer know where I live, I blocked all of them from calling me. I now finally after all of this dysfunction and turmoil have peace. It's been hard, it is not easy, I am sure there will always be pain in my life regarding my parents but again I can not save them from themselves. Also I can not allow them to affect my health negatively any longer. Thanks for allowing me to share, I hope this helps someone who might have a similar experience and upbringing.

Hi, thank you for sharing your story.  This sounds very familiar to my own experiences with my family, and especially my mother.  She recently told me that I was no longer allowed at her house when I defended my sister from being attacked by her.  My mother loves to pick fights out of nowhere and bully you, and then if you have a problem with it or stand up for yourself then you are the problem and are rejected.  I have literally seen her make up problems out of thin air over nothing and start fights.  Of course, one could say just ignore it, but you can only ignore it for so long.  When someone bullys you and attacks you constantly even just verbally and emotionally, that is abuse in and of itself.  Like you, I've tried everything in my power to try to approach my mother with the perfect words or the perfect kinds of behavior in an attempt to 'keep the peace' even though there never has been any peace, but nothing ever works.  It's nothing but hysteria, chaos manufactoring, catastrophizing, blaming, attacking, scapegoating.....everything you mentioned here.  I've even tried for many years to just 'take it' just so that I could be around my mother or try to be a 'good son'.  But even though it's painful to do, I began to realize more and more that it just wasn't healthy and that every time I allowed myself to be subjected to abuse that I was abandoning myself.  I had to make the decision to go no contact myself for my own sanity, and it's hard because we know intellectually about what healthy boundaries are and what we 'should' do.  But for some of us that means walking away from our entire family.  It basically means we have no family.  No holiday get togethers, no vacations, no Sunday dinners where everyone can just get together for a few hours and eat dinner and have a good time.  My mother can't even do that without starting fights and yelling and chaos.  It's sad and extremely painful.  I get angry at life and God in general for allowing this to happen at all, to myself as well as to others out there who have to face similar situations.  I mean what the *?  Not only do you get abused and torn apart emotionally and mentally by the people who love you most that you then have to heal from, but you get abandoned so that you don't have a family at all.  Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are absolutely not alone, and that I am in the same boat you're in with having to heal and go NC.  I'm really happy this forum exists, it's extremely helpful and healing to not only know you're not alone, but to share with one another.  I'm not crazy, and neither are you .  Take care.

***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS ***
Hello,
Well, this is my first attempt to keep an online journal.  I hope it turns out better than some parts of me expected. Even right now I have that non-stop critic and perfectionist that constantly try to guess other people's opinion of me  (which are either too nice or too humiliating) and make me read the sentences over and over again and telling me I have too much flaws to be a perfectionist and my writing will probably be full of mistakes and unworthy of reading.
However, I'll keep on because I know that I am entitled to share my experience, feelings, opinions, etc. because I am a human being. It is sad that it took me so long to realize that I am only human and talking about myself is pretty, pretty and pretty normal and nothing to be ashamed of and I like making mistakes because it is a great way to learn if you realize them.
Okay, I feel better now. To be your own mother is great  .
I wanted to write about this feeling I had these days. I feel as if I abandoned myself. I think I still spend too much time to keep imaginary perfect me (or just real me?) alive inside. It is like my whole dreams and the shiny, talkative, happy, funny me living in a very, very distant land inside me and on the outside I have that frozen, reckless, "I don't care about anything" me.  However, I actually do care too much and I am not in a very nice phase of my life (in terms of financial independence and a lot of stuff).
I feel like I am waiting for some magical power to come and do everything for me. I keep reminding myself it is time to realize you are an adult but I still depend on my childhood coping mechanisms, too much. I  feel shattered and away from myself and frozen and it is scary. It just seems too hard at times and I just want to give up, but I can't because I promised myself that I am going to try. 
I think I just need to accept the fact that recovery is really a slow process. I need to be patient and do my best to be real me because I don't want to feel like a frozen clone of me, anymore.

Hi!  I totally empathize with what you are feeling and describing here.  I too am an adult who is having trouble functioning on my own and with finances.  Being frozen is the cptsd coping mechanism I have gained as well, and I definitely know what it feels like to just want to give up.  I have some really helpful tools for healing that I have found over the years (before I knew I had cptsd) and am using them now to heal.  I'd be happy to share them with you if you are interested.  Good luck, and remember you are not alone!

9.30.17

Doing well today so far.  I am able to observe my emotional flashbacks when they happen and are triggered by various things.  They are more intense than I would have thought, and I am loving the concept that there is indeed a state of being where these flashbacks aren't immensely diminished as I move through my life. 

I met a rather attractive woman the day other day when I was getting my haircut, and she starts talking to me about how she has what she thinks is ptsd and bpd.  I sat up in my chair, and she promptly asked me to sit back down because I'm tall, but I started to tell her about my experiences and my discovery of cptsd and it might be what she's going through as well.  We started talking more and she gave me her number and asked to go get some coffee sometime to talk about it more.  How bout that?

It feels good to have people who are understanding and who can understand what I struggle with and what I've always struggled with in life.  My emotional self and inner child is feeling happier and more whole day by day.  I've actually got a whole arsenal of tools for healing from trauma that are working wonders that I will be sharing as the time goes on here.  Talk soon.

I just recently, within the last couple of months, learned about cptsd.  And it's only been about 4 years since I've learned about the concept of emotional abuse itself.  Believe it or not I really didn't even know what emotional abuse was.  I always had this idea in the back of my mind that my emotions were meaningless and it didn't really matter if they were being trampled on by my mother or different family members.  After all, sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.  Well, it turns out emotional abuse can be even more hurtful, painful, and damaging then even physical abuse. 

When it came to my mother, who definitely fits the definition and characteristics of someone with a personality disorder, although I can't tell if it's BPD or NPD exactly, she didn't hit me very often and we had food on the table and a roof over our heads so I thought everything was fine.  But looking back, and especially after I learned about emotional abuse, I realized just how extremely abusive my mother actually was. 

Out of the fog helped me to understand these behavior patterns in people, as well as to be able to verbalize exactly what was going on with my experience with my mother with all the terms on the site.  As a child I would be brought to therapists and I knew something was wrong with my mother but had no idea how to verbalize it.  Now I do, and I'm so thankful to learn that I'm not crazy.

But essentially my mother was a type A, high strung person, officially diagnosed bipolar with adhd.  My experiences with her, however, fit far more in line with personality disorders.  She was constantly catastrophizing everything and treating me like I was some kind of criminal (I was a quiet and withdrawn kid who got good grades in school and pretty much holed myself up in my room to get away from the chaos in the house), and that I was constantly under some kind of interrogation.

It honestly felt like my mother just hated me.  I always had people around me telling me how much my mother loved me, but it always confused me because I constantly felt hated, despised, and like some kind of burden.  She would flip out randomly and attack me verbally and emotionally, starting fights (baiting) to try to get me to react and then if I did to try to get her away from me, she'd take me yelling back or becoming angry and withdrawn and go around telling other family members and friends how I was.  This served to really alienate me from anyone else who might have otherwise been sympathetic to me and my situation. 

My mother was extremely angry, extremely belittling, condescending, blaming, and a perfect chaos manufacturer.  Living with her was like walking on eggshells, or landmines, and you never knew where to step that wouldn't set her off.  I was hit on multiple occasions of course, but I always had this idea that since I was a male and my mom was a female, that it wasn't that bad and I could just kind of take it.  And when she'd hit me it wasn't like a spanking for discipline purposes.  It was like she was taking out all her stress and anger out on me and hitting me wherever she wanted however hard she wanted.  One time when I was a teenager she started trying to hit me for no reason and I started blocking her and she actually told me to stop blocking her so she could hit me.  I told her if there was a problem we could talk about it, and that there was no need for her to hit me for any reason at all.

I was never allowed to express myself, my thoughts or feelings and was always shut down and torn down if I did.  My mother loved to talk and talk in circles without ever finishing and not letting anyone else speak.  When I learned about emotional abuse I honestly just cried and cried and cried because my inner self was indeed extremely neglected, extremely unloved and extremely abused.  It's kind of like I don't have a family as they are all toxic and either alcoholics, narcissists, or some other personality disordered variation. 

It was honestly like *.  And my mother was very good at becoming a completely different person in public and at work to make any issues I was having with her make it seem like I was just some crazy ungrateful kid.  Looking back I remember teachers in school asking me if everything was ok at different times and I of course said oh yeah of course, not really knowing what they were talking about.  Looking back I can see that I was extremely withdrawn and isolated, and probably looked like I was in a great deal of pain.  I was. 

When I learned about emotional abuse, and then later about extreme low self esteem, and then most recently about cptsd, it felt like angels were pouring love onto my extremely damaged and burned emotional self after being unattended to my whole life.  I felt such great relief at knowing what this was and that I was not crazy.  That all the difficulty I've had in life, and in functioning in life was very much due to me having cptsd, to me having intense emotional flashbacks when being around any people at all (if I can't trust the people who are supposed to love me the most, how can I possibly trust a world of strangers?). 

According to the book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, I fit the freeze type to a T.  In fact, frozen is a perfect word to describe my emotional state most of my life.  Someone would ask me how I felt and I honestly didn't even know.  I really think I was frozen in a state of shock terror and confusion constantly. 

I have been someone who has been extremely withdrawn and isolated to the point where I didn't develop properly emotionally or socially.  My ability to connect with people intimately and genuinely is severely compromised because I don't trust people as it is, but I realized that when I am in situations where intimacy and openness is called for I seize up and have intense emotional flashbacks.  I didn't even know what emotional flashbacks were until I read Pete Walkers book.  It makes so much sense now. 

I lived in so much unbelievable terror and pain and being so avoidant made it extremely difficult for me to function in life that many times I just wanted to die.  I mean I had been in therapy since I was 6 as my parents got divorced and someone thought it would be a good idea for me to go so my Mom took me, thinking everything was my Father's fault.  But in all my years of therapy and looking for solutions, no one, and I mean NO ONE ever brought up cptsd or even emotional trauma as a possibility and how to heal from it.  So you know, I felt hopeless and permanently broken if I was reaching out to the professionals and they couldn't help me at all.  So suicide seemed like the only way out for real. 

Luckily I didn't give up on myself and now that I know about cptsd everything is so much clearer and I feel so much better.  I am able to practice self compassion with myself more knowing that I really was severely affected and damaged in my life, and that it wasn't my fault.  I do have severe emotional flashbacks and panic attacks that make it very difficult to function and connect with people, but I am learning and growing day by day. 

Growing up the way I did was like pure *.  They say * is a place of torment for the soul.  That's exactly how it felt.  And I was so confused because on the outside everything looked ok.  I had food and a roof over my head, so what did I have to complain about?  In fact, if someone offered me 1 million dollars on my 18th birthday to go back and relive what I experienced, I would decline it without thinking twice. 

I want to live now, I want to heal, and I want to share this information with others who are suffering from something similar.  Happy to know I'm not crazy, and happy that a place like this exists for support and healing. 

Blessings.

Hey all,

This is the start of my recovery journal.  I will say that I am ecstatic to learn about cptsd and that I have.  I am also happy I have found tools to be able to cope and heal from it. 

I'm angry that I developed this because of how intense the traumatic situations, the abuse and the neglect was in my household growing up.  I'm angry all the therapists and doctors I went to see over the years never brought up emotional trauma, cptsd, or how to heal from it.  If there's a problem with a child to the point where the child is brought to therapy, wouldn't abuse in the home be the first thing the therapist investigates?

I'm angry that this condition has kept me so isolated and so unable to connect with people in a real and genuine way, preventing me from having any real lasting successful intimate relationships.  I'm angry that I was a good student and a good person growing up and I was almost destroyed by my mother and father and their ineptitude and abusive/neglectful acts.  The amount of pain and struggle that I have had to go through is unreal looking back. 

But I am going to heal adequately now to allow me to lead a happy and fully life from here on out.  And no more abusers or bullies are going to be allowed in my life. 

Hey Justin - welcome!  Glad you found this board - I found it recently myself and am grateful for its existence.  Also really starting to learn about / accept CPTSD as a name for this thing I got.  I still have yet to check out Out of The Fog, but intend on doing so to learn more about the FOO side of things.  Have a good one.

I'm super pissed I have this I have to say, because it has interfered with so much of my life already, and from what I hear it's a lifelong condition that never quite goes away.  They say that you shouldn't blame your parents, but I've got a feeling whoever said that didn't have cptsd or anything similar.

Hey there, Justin. It's so nice to hear you're feeling relieved from all this. I certainly felt relieved when I first started reading into CPTSD, feels good to be understood!
It's a pleasure to meet you and I hope to hear more of you. ^-^
Welcome to the forum!

Thanks, nice to meet you as well

Hi everybody,

First of all, let me just say how ecstatic I am to have discovered what cptsd is and how it affects one who has it.  I have struggled my entire life with this, not knowing what it is, and actively reaching out to therapists, doctors, healers, guides, you name it to try to find out what was wrong with me and no one ever brought up ctpsd or even trauma as a possible issue.  Maybe when you're a child and you're going to a therapist it can be a little touchy for the therapist to pry to discover if there is any abuse going on in the home and so they tend to shy away from it.  I don't know.

At any rate, when I learned about out of the fog I said oh my God THAT'S what's going on with my mother.  AND the experiences of living with someone who has a personality disorder, in this case apparently my mother, nailed my experiences to a T also.  But I still didn't know about CPTSD until recently.

Someone mentioned cptsd online that I was talking to and I never heard of it, so I looked it up and couldn't believe my eyes.  I came to out of the storm and found some reading material and quickly learned more.  I read Pete Walker's book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving and felt like for the first time someone was speaking directly to my emotional self.  I am so relieved after all these years to discover what I've suffered with, as well as happy to have the tools to be able to heal form it. 

I have a lot to post on this topic in conjunction with my own experiences, but I'll leave this here for now.  I am just relieved to know that I can heal, but that it is a life long process.  Also, I'm happy to learn that what happened to me during my upbringing was not my fault, and that I am not crazy. 

Blessings,

Justin

Hi this is my first post in this support group.  I am a single 31 year old male and have been struggling with trauma and abuse my whole life living in a broken home with consistent domestic violence, but also with a mother who has some kind of personality disorder.  For those who don't know what it's like growing up with and dealing with someone with a personality disorder it is difficult to describe in a way that will convey the full experience, but rest assured it can be like *. 

That is why I was so thankful to have initially discovered out of the fog.  The symptoms described both of the person with a personality disorder and of the ones dealing with someone with a personality disorder were spot on.  What was more troubling for me, however, was that I have been going to different therapists, doctors and healers since I was 6 years old and none of them ever said anything about personality disorders or could see how withdrawn and in pain I was from the constant chaos and emotional and psychological abuse I endured as a child. 

It can make you feel completely alone and that you are crazy.  After all if your own family and mother try to make you think that their behavior is normal and ok and if doctors and therapists can't seem to spot what's going on or address the real issues, what is one supposed to do?  I lived and continue to live in something of a painful black hole where it's difficult for me to really connect with others in a genuine way. 

Through all my searching and interest in healing I only recently discovered the concept of complex post traumatic stress disorder.  And when I read the symptoms I had this liberating feeling of relief that said oh my God that's me.  One of my issues as a result of dealing with this is avoidance to the point where I don't really have a social life, I don't have a girlfriend or significant other, and my job is actually at night where I don't have to interact with too many people.  For so long I felt so bad that I simply had a social anxiety disorder, but I have since come to realize that for me it's more like my brain has linked people and human beings to intense pain and my nervous system is so overloaded and fried that that is the real reason it's difficult for me to be around people for too long.

Those who have dealt with abuse from someone with a personality disorder or something similar know that abuse and being attacked can come out of nowhere and for no reason at all.  You might try to constantly be on your best behavior and do and say all the right things to try to prevent being attacked or abused but it never seems to work.  And when the attacks are random and your brain really has no idea what causes the attacks and the abuse, it creates a situation in your mind where you might possibly be under threat of attack from anyone from any place at any time.  It is an extremely painful way to go through life, and being by myself and in my own thoughts gives my nervous system a break from the anxiety that I'm going to be attacked at any time for any reason. 

At this point I am learning to trust my own inner voice again and work on having self compassion with myself.  That yes I need to move on with my life, but the first and foremost important consideration for me is healing in a true and genuine way.  It's amazing to me how many people say things like, well you've just got to move on or don't blame your parents, all the while the pain and years of conditioning that you've endured is still with you.  The pain and the behavior patterns must be acknowledged and adequately healed in order to move on in a real way.  Otherwise people will 'move on' but with sort of suppressing their feelings and take on other unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

Coming this far and learning of this condition of cptsd is such a massive relief to me.  Many times I have struggled with suicidal thoughts due to the amount of pain I was in, the fact that I essentially have no family or support system as they are all toxic and abusive, and that it seemed like no matter where I turned in the mental health community no one was able to spot what was going on with me.  What is a person to do?  And honestly I'd really like to know why emotional and psychological trauma isn't more of the core focus in the mental health field rather than so called 'chemical imbalances'.  I've had doctors and other therapists try to diagnose me with different things and give me medication for it and not one of those medications ever made me feel better in the least, only made me feel numb or worse.  I believe the reason is because I am dealing with an intense stress disorder and not a chemical imbalance. 

Anyway, thanks for reading this and listening to my brief story.  I really would like to connect with as many people as I can here as I'm sure many of us understand and can relate to each other in some form or fashion and I'd really like to heal coupled with finding new friends and connections with people who really understand me.  Thank you.