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Many thanks for your thoughtful replies, Dee, sanmagic, and woodsgnome!

Yes, Dee, it is certainly very low and unstable self-esteem. When I first heard from the agent, who had complementary things to say about my previous work, I had a sense of, "Oh, so, maybe I am good at this," and some possibly healthy anger at people in my FOO and elsewhere who'd put me down. That faded quickly, though, and there seems to be more of an impetus to put myself back in "my place" of perpetual failure. I tried to do more work today, and then thought about how I was working too slowly, and would never finish, and so much else needs to be done, etc.... I'll try again tomorrow.  Sorry you're having similar struggles, and for what it's worth, you sound like a strong person who's on her way to confronting the guilt and shame.

Thank you, sanmagic, for the wise words explaining how we got here. It's so easy to feel weak in this state -- thank you, especially, for saying we have courage.

Woodsgnome, I've been there, too -- getting good feedback and still feeling out-of-wack! Sometimes, for me, it's because the feedback was positive, but not superlative, which seems to equal failure in some part of me that is still trying to reach my FOO's ever-rising and bizarrely evolving standards.  And it takes so long to "walk the talk" -- maybe a lifetime, filled with relapses.

Thank you all again. It's so helpful to feel connected and understood. I hope I can someday do the same for you.

Thank you, Wife #2, Three Roses, and sanmagic. Wife #2, I very much relate with feeling over-grateful when people respond positively to my work. In fact, that's probably a major reason that I married my now ex-husband (a deadbeat who told me I was talented...but then stopped.) Thanks for you kind wishes, too. I guess what I meant about not knowing him was that I don't know how qualified he is to judge my work (or me), but I've mentally robed him some sort of Ultimate Decider cape. (If that makes any sense.) 

Three Roses, thanks, and I think I'm getting slowly better, too. At least, I hope so. The anticipation and relief roller-coaster seems a bit less steep than it once was.

Sanmagic, I worry before posting here, too -- I think a lot of us do. Also, before discussing my problems with my friends: Do I seem self-pitying? Self-indulgent? Selfish? Does any insult from my FOO lobbed at me apply? The internal answer is usually "probably."

Yes, this happens to me a lot. It's awful! I try not to get angry at myself for "producing," but sometimes I do, anyway.  Hope you're feeling better today!

P.S. I am currently fear-hiccuping, having submitted some creative work to an agent who wanted to see it. Even though I don't know this person, his judgement of it is now very, very important to me. Ugh.

Is this an issue for other people, too? It hampers me when I'm working, and then, after I've submitted my work. It's very easy for me to imagine potential criticism and I pretty much exist in a "pre-failure" state while awaiting a response.

When I was in high school, I participated in my first debate competition and was sure my score was low to move me on the the next stage. My father agreed that was probably the case, and came to pick me up. The next day, I found out I'd actually been in fourth place. 

Thanks for reading!

Thank you, Kizzie, for explaining -- maybe I'll try to practice around triggers, too. And thanks, sanmagic, for all your responses and especially for the great use of the word "gunk"!

Thank you, 89abc123! Yes, I thought it was normal to do a lot of things I would never do now. (Manipulate with guilt, for one.)

Thanks also for explaining how healing sets off our inner critics -- that's very comforting! (and also a bit maddening!)

Thanks very much, Three Roses, Kizzie and sanmagic! (Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to reply individually.)

ThreeRoses, you hit it on the head -- second-guessing the future, and the past. I read somewhere that the French call the latter the "spirit of the staircase" -- you've said something, and as you're going down the stairs, you realize what you should have said.  It was at its loudest when my general mental health was at its worst, which I guess means those messages are untrue.

Kizzie, yes, I've done CBT, too, but fallen off a bit lately. To respond to the thoughts, do you make written charts, or respond in your head?

Sanmagic, I felt it while writing these replies, and beforehand. ("You haven't written back yet to those kind people. They're going to be furious!" etc.)

Thanks again to all of you.

Thank you so much for replying, even while maybe feeling under the weather, mourningdove. It's really good to know I'm not alone.    Thank heavens for this community.

...or may have done wrong
...or may have been perceived in a negative light

Examples: Losing control of a classroom I was teaching (5 years ago), misspeaking and accidentally offending someone (4 years ago)

Does anyone else have these?

Could the cause be that my parents would often bring these things up, and use them to rationalize abuse, and blamed me for other people's bad treatment?

I would really like to rid myself of the notion that I'm a lot worse than other people...but I keep thinking that that may be the truth.

These memories then lead to terror that I might "screw up" again, so I take half an hour to write each email for work, minutely go over interactions in my head, etc.

Ha!

Today, my IC berated me for not having bought a street pretzel for lunch: "You should have listened to your instincts! What's wrong with you? That pretzel would be so good right now," etc.

Thank you, Smoke! Last time we saw them was at their house...and, huzzah!...one of them actually absented themselves to put the child to bed.

Hi everyone,

So, the last four times my partner and I have seen his sister and her husband, they have kept their youngest (2 YO) daughter up way past her bedtime, all the while remarking on how tired she is. She seems exhausted, and hurts to watch her basic needs be ignored. 

The reason they do this, as far as I can tell, is that they don't want to leave the family event or compromise their other activities. She's their third child, and I think they don't really want to be bothered.

It's very hard to watch, for me, perhaps because of my own family background. I worry that they may be doing permanent harm to her health and sense of safety, but I don't have kids, so I don't really know. Could someone on this board who does have experience with young children comment on this, please?

Here's what we've tried to do about it so far:
- My partner drops very obvious hints about how they really should be getting home so their daughter can sleep. They understand what he's getting at, but ignore it or laugh it off.
- My partner's parents schedule family events as early as possible, but often, these parents ask to make them later because they have other things going on.

Can other people relate? Am I over-reacting? Is there anything else I, as a non-member of the family, can do?

Even though this is an old topic, I felt like I had to respond -- it's such a great one! For me, I feel awkward whenever I speak to my assistant...or my supervisor, both of whom are nice, stable people.  I think it's the fact of the hierarchical relationships that's messing with my head. I have to hope that my own niceness makes up for the weird laughs, talking jags, silences, and other conversational gifts I bestow.